OLD: Is there any point proactively messaging men?

[marzipanmaggie]

Curious to hear what people think about this. I'm a fully paid up feminist and fully in favour in theory in women taking the lead in affairs of the heart or loins. I'm fairly newly single after a ten year relationship and dipping a toe into OLD and wondering if a) the etiquette allows and b) there's any point sending a message to a man you like the look of cold if he hasn't already got in touch.

The reason I ask is that in real life my experience is that whatever the theory, the practice is that the fastest way to make a man run is to initiate or chase. I've not once in 20 years of sexual/romantic activity had a positive response from being the initiator other than those who were interested in one night stands. In my experience men hate being chased and as OLD is pretty brutal my guess is that its even worse there when you don't even have the advantages of sexual chemistry and personality.

Am I being old fashioned or am I just much less attractive than I have always thought? And is it OK to message men on OLD?

I contacted my DP first, but I didn't see it as chasing.

It was just one person getting in touch with another, because his profile read very nicely, and I felt I had a lot in common with him.

Luckily for me and him, it worked out well and our relationship blossomed from there. Interestingly the insight he gave me was that someone had contacted him who came on strong, ie They definitely were "chasing" and on a mission, and he ran a mile. What he described they said, well I'm not surprised! Scarey.

Maybe it's a question of putting aside preconceived views of men and women nowadays? Approaching someone with the genuine wish to get to know them better, will give a better outcome than being on a mission.

Just an impression.... but I think you maybe over thinking things. That can be a bit off putting.

Said kindly, not to be hurtful.

Actually, that should have read

I contacted my DP first, but I didn't see it as chasing.Neither did he

I wonder what you are saying. It's not who says it when. If you're saying you want see or marriage or a nice cup of tea. Or just "hi"

marzipanmaggie

"I've known a lot of men who are politically progressive and consider themselves feminists etc, who have told me that in spite of what they outwardly believe, they slightly flinch at the prospect of a woman initiating".

Yes suppose old habits die hard, no not that OLD! but the older ideas. Do you not think that the modern connected world i.e. the invention of the internet the many ways we have off communicating these days are changing the older stabilised order perhaps?.

Found some good advice from a blogger.

This isn't gendered, but goes for men and women -

if anyone feels they have to pursue/persuade someone, they'd end up with someone who was lukewarm about them but just with them as it was the "easy" option?

So either they'd end up with someone passive in the interaction, or someone who was keeping half an eye out for someone better.

And ideally you want a relationship of equals where both parties are suggesting stuff and indicating interest in each other and respectful of each others schedules.

She was more in favour of "mirroring"? Someone does X, do X back. So show interest, but don't do all the work -

(someone who is going "oh, persuade me" is going to be a f**g nightmare special snowflake type to interact with).

So go by views/winks to show interest rather than composing e-mails.

Or send a SHORT e-mail and see if someone responds. And again, look for "mirroring".

(just something like "interesting profile, please do look at mine. All the best").

I found sometimes online I'd have people who'd reply just to pass the time/for attention/to have a penpal, and this is draining on ones time and self-esteem.

I found after a while after a few e-mails exchanged it was best to close with:

"nice chatting to you, do drop me a line if you fancy meeting for a coffee/drink some time! I'm on 07*. Enjoy your evening.".

That distinguished those who wanted to just chat endlessly with those who were serious about finding someone and at least looked like their photos IRL so weren't scared of meeting!

I did meet a few boyfriend material guys, though eventually I met someone offline.

When I was OLD I sent short messages referencing their profile to lots of guys and I usually got a response.

I remember doing this with bf and met him quickly afterwards and slept with him on the first date. Very happy 9 months later.

Imo you are surely looking for someone who is happy for a woman to initiate contact therefore doing so is a quick way to weed out the idiots who don't like this.

Getting back to the OP, I don't think this is a gender issue at all.

If anyone feels they have to "chase" (man OR woman chasing men OR women), that means that the person being chased is lukewarm about them in the first place?

It's down to gauging mutual attraction.

Like, daisy said, I think "lightly showing interest" is a world apart from sending an e-mail trying to convince them.

For OD, if you feel you have to persuade someone to go out with you ("if you go out with me I'll take you to X location" or "I'm an excellent cook" or "here are 25 reasons for you to like me") then the base initial attraction isn't there on their part.

That's the problem, not that the person initiating put them off with the initiating.

When I was OD I'd get lots of fairly desperate sounding elaborate e-mails from guys I wasn't attracted to.

I didn't respond to them, whereas if there was a "small contact" like a wink from someone whose profile I was attracted to, I'd respond in kind.

HammerHeadDolphin
nice summary.

I wouldn't suggest giving out one's mobile number to someone on OLD just "on the offchance", if they fancy a coffee sometime . To my way of thinking it would need to be that the relationship was building, there was a good rapport and it was time to get into the "real world".

It's nice to be chased now and then. But maybe it's not for some men. I don't see why a Woman shouldn't take the initiative if she finds someone and is intrested. After all if you like someone you probably want to get in there first. Could it be a case bad chat up technique or maybe coming on to strong?

Well after all that I did proactively message someone and guess what, he didn't respond :) Fairly sanguine about this as obviously there will be some who will and some who won't. I've got myself over the fear though, so quite proud of that.

I made a slightly quirky comment about his profile and wonder if I ended up sounding a bit weird and aggressive though.

Maybe should have kept it blander, but I couldn't really bring myself to say "look at my profile". Didn't really feel like me.

Back to the drawing board :)

1DAD2KIDS Pretty sure I'm not coming on too strong. My biggest terror in the world is seeming desperate. I will go out of my way to avoid looking too interested, too keen. If anything I probably go too far the other way, I think.

bubbly

Quite possibly the most ridiculous and irritating word to grace OLD. Do people seriously still use this to describe themselves.

OP..... absolutely nothing wrong in making the first move. IME it has made no difference whatsoever.

Supermanspants totally with you on "bubbly" -- eesh.

In my experience "bubbly" is a politice euphemism for a certain type of woman who is irritating, squeaky-voiced, self-centred, giggly and over made-up.

Keep trying op. I contacted my now DH first on online dateing. I agree with pp keep the messages get and breezy and ask a question, something they can reply too.

Also maybe try a different dateing site? They all attract different types of people.

"interesting profile, please do look at mine. All the best"

This looks copied and pasted. Surely nobody has ever responded to a first message like this?

Messages short not get. Sorry.

Oh and maybe try a different photo? Mix things up a bit!

You don't need to say "look at my profile" or "please reply" or "do you want to chat" or anything like that.

You're on a dating site - it's already assumed that you want people to look at your profile and chat.

All the best. Like on a business email.
Sod bubbly. I'd say "I'm bloody hilarious "

I agree with the others questioning the word "chase". It's not chasing someone to show that you might be interested. When you send someone a message you're not saying "I want to have your babies, you hunk" you're saying "Is this seat free?" In real life you can make eye contact with a stranger, or lightly flirt with a member of your group, as a sign that you might be interested. Online this can be trickier. Depends on the site, though - the ones where you can "like" people are not bad for that reason. Not so keen on ones where you have to "wink" at people even though it's basically the same thing!

I'd say no point myself. The chasing thing is part of it but the main reason I'd say no is because it's a waste of time unless you have a high tolerance for rejection.

Men are more visual than women in terms of sexual attraction. So say if a man has a strong "type" - say a sexual preference for short curvy redheads and tall skinny blonde will never be attractive to him even if she looks like a model. If you are proactively emailling lots of guys you will get a lot of rejection simply because they don't find you attractive, you are not their type - even if on paper you are a match.

This is v. different to the way women work. If a man meets all your "criteria" on paper, then even if at first sight he isn't hot to you, you are more likely to engage in chat, give it a chance and see.

So I would say no as waste of time (a man that likes your look and profile will contact you), will get lots of inevitable rejection that will make you feel shit unless you have a thick skin, plus men to like to chase and if it works out it will be a "but I contacted him first" worm eating away in your brain.

it's a waste of time unless you have a high tolerance for rejection.

If everyone took that advice to heart then nobody would ever message anybody at all.

Hm, I didn't proactively email LOTS of men, just a couple, without any expectations. By that time I'd been approached by a few men, some I liked the look of, some I didn't, so it came as no surprise to me when they reacted just as I had (ignore most, chat with some, send polite no to a few).

I'm now trying it out with a v. nice man whose profile I didn't even see, as I was looking closer to home. Good thing he was proactive .

I do OLD with a mostly very lighthearted attitude. It's very easy to look at a profile and associated pics and dream up a whole person behind it. The only thing you actually know with any certainty about the people behind the profiles is that they own a bloody computer. Or smartphone. Not sure you can worry about being 'rejected' by someone who is just a picture on the www.

I frequently send messages to guys I'm interested in. Not sitting around waiting to be swept off my virtual feet, no Siree.

Because I cast my met wide I genuinely am not waiting to see if they message back. Mainly because I'm on a few sites and am a working mum and simply can't keep track. I just carry on with my life and chat to the ones who do reply, ignore the bores who can't manage more than 'hi', and block the ones who turn out to be mentalists.

I hid my profile and ONLY contacted men myself first. I got fed up with people writing 'hey babe, you look sexy' or some illiterate nonsense that I thought I'd rather weed out the losers myself.

With do I had added him to my favourites to message later without realising that this informed him! He thinks it's hilarious that I accidentally showed my hand .

He then messaged me introducing himself (with full grammatical correctness - yay!) and we met up straight away, had an amazing date and have been together 3 years.

I had set my search criteria to his age + 10 as I'm somewhere in between, and as he'd only had his bday the month before i could easily have missed him!

He liked that I had made the first move (even though I didn't realise I had!) and although he is quite traditional in his views and romantic, he's not a dinosaur and didn't object to being stripped of the hunt!