Would you be annoyed?

[TiredMummy2015]

I've had a hard day with a 6 week old baby and a toddler who has done everything they've been asked not to! DH fully aware and had been told that I was eagerly awaiting his return from work.

Despite this he went to the pub this afternoon ( he has a job where "meetings" can be held in the pub). He didn't leave the pub until about twenty minutes after his usual finish time. He called during his commute home and we agreed he would collect a takeaway. He called again an hour later when he got off the train to say he was on his way to get our food. So I got the toddler bathed etc.

Almost an hour later he text to say he was waiting for the food and would be back soon! Turns out he had taken himself off to the pub to watch the end of s football game! This was never mentioned and I was expecting him to be about half an hour max after he got off the train. I was furious when he got in.... Crashing around because he was clearly trying to make out he was less drunk than he was. I had to put the toddler to bed ( DH didn't even come and say hello to him so he was crying). When I went back down he had dished up - 2 plates of what he had got from the takeaway and nothing that I had requested! He tried to say they didn't sell what I asked for, which is rubbish. He had just not ordered it for whatever reason. He has form for completely forgetting or disregarding things when he has drunk too much.

I have lost it with him big time and am now upstairs with the baby. Am I unreasonable or is he the selfish, inconsiderate prick I told him he was?

Aaargh, you're not a great man just because you spend time looking after your own child, so annoying that men are praised for doing basic things.

OP, surely he will realise it's him who is completely in the wrong and go all out to make this up to you tonight, if not...........you definitely have problems.

I am assuming this happens a lot and this is just the tip of the iceberg?
If so, as AF says, why are you putting up with this?
Do you have family nearby you could to for the night?
He needs to know and realise what a fucking arsehole he is.
Or does he have family close by he could stay with?
That would be better.
Tell him not to come home tonight as you can't bear to look at him and make him stay away.
I don't think you've ever imposed any consequences for his actions.
In turn this means you are enabling this behaviour to continue.
So what are you going to do about it?

Good idea hellsbells!

What a complete knob! There is no way I'd put up with that!!
He doesn't deserve you, if he was mine he would get such an ear bashing and I wouldn't do anything for him until he was truly sorry. Give him a taste of his own meds and don't do him a dinner tonight! "Oops I forgot!"
Ignore anything about blaming you - this is all him!!! Show him this thread, what a pig!

Yep he has form for this sort of behaviour. We almost split up before Christmas. He cried and promised to cut his drinking. Being about to give birth I gave in.... He was good for a while. Things were great over Christmas etc. Second day back at work and he's back to this.

No family for either of us. His only option is a hotel..... He will refuse and say this is his house etc. It's not we both own it but cos he earns more ( only £500 a month more than me!) he will say he keeps this family afloat blah blah blah.

I may have to look into leaving myself.

Oh tiredmummy this isn't very good. Are there other problems in the relationship or was this a bit of a one-off?

Sorry, posted without reading!

I would throw my husband out for this. No question. Why are you letting this carry on?

I think you going for a few days would give him a shock and hopefully a wake up call, shame you have to go that far to expect basic manners from your partner tho!

You'd think he would have learnt his lesson just before Xmas and you about to give birth, honestly some men are just inherently selfish. I hope he can prove to you he can be a good partner.

Honestly? I would leave. I couldn't live like that for the rest of the week, let alone the rest of my life. You deserve better, you really do.

If you are not ready/willing to leave, I would look at some relationship counselling pronto - he needs to know that this isn't a normal or acceptable way to behave in a supposedly equal relationship.

I do want to leave, I have done for some time. The pregnancy muddied the waters and made me feel like I needed to give it another shot. Deep down I knew he wouldn't be able to keep it up. But I can tell my children that I did all I could to keep their family together.

He wouldn't agree to counselling. He doesn't want people knowing his business.

The issue is that he has a drinking problem. He won't admit it. He comes from a family of problem drinkers. So it's somewhat normalised to him. A relationship counsellor will not be able to help us unless he admits his problem.

You can of course tell them that, but they will know it anyway. It's very very hard to leave, I did it and there were no kids so I can only imagine how hard it will be for you, but a miserable marriage is hell it really is. I became somebody I didn't even recognise because of mine and put up with some ridiculous behaviour (a lot as the result of his drinking so I feel your pain there). I am so so much happier now. It's a hard road and doing it sort of lost me a year of my life but I'm me again and that was worth anything.

OP I'm raging for you, a six week old is so much work, expecting relief and watching the door is awful.
I used to be so anxious for DH to come home and go mad if he was even 10 mins late.

Is there anywhere you can go for a few days to give him a shock?

If not, don't engage with him, he'll want you to argue back so in his mind it's both of you being equally unreasonable.

Hope baby & toddler are good for you today

I think it's probably time to get a plan together of what happens next.
How do you separate?
Where would you live, where would he live?
How much maintenance are you entitled to?
How much equity is in the house?
I think a solicitor, free half hour, would be a good start.

This is not on at all. If he tries the 'overreaction' line, just reply that it is not unreasonable for you to expect that he will come home when he says he will, and bring you dinner as he said he would. It is not unreasonable for you to be angry. He needs to accept that you are angry, and that you've every right to be.

What you do next is up to you. It is very very hard to think clearly with such young children and all the exhaustion that entails, and feeling unsupported to this degree will just tip you over the edge.

And he needs to stop having 'meetings' in the pub But that is a discussion for another day.

It feels like a huge mountain to climb. I recently lost my Dad who was my support.

I received an email just asking if I'm ok. I've ignored it. I'm exhausted and really can't deal with his bullshit today.

Living with an alcoholic is no life for the others around them at all; all that happens is that you all lurch from one crisis to yet another. Its never stable. He is himself from a family of problem drinkers and alcoholism can also be learnt. Am not surprised at all to read that he does not want counselling either.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You need to get off the merry go around before you and your children get further dragged down by him. It was always going to end badly; such promises to cut down on drinking are never kept and a drunkard of a father is no father to his children either. Your H grew up with habitual heavy drinkers and learnt this from them; this is not the legacy you want to leave your children now.

Do seek legal advice re the house and finances asap. If anyone leaves the marital home it should be he.

Your own recovery will only begin once you have separated from him. I would also look at co-dependency issues because there is usually this in relationships where alcoholism features.

It is a huge mountain to climb - I don't think anyone will tell you any different.
It's a long hard road but nowhere near as long and damaging as staying with an alcoholic.
Just take your time. Get a plan together, then act.
There's not rush if he's not violent but you do need to take action some time soon.

I know.

This is not how I wanted things to turn out. I had a broken home as a child and always wanted my own children to grow up with two parents together. I have tried so hard to keep this together.

One of the things he said to me last night was " why can't you just go with it?". I asked what he meant " go with you being an alcoholic?" And he said yes. He really doesn't think it's a big deal. Because he doesn't cheat or hit me then he is a good guy and I'm too hard on him. He occasionally messes up and I should just accept it.

OP. DH is going to his first AA meeting tomorrow night - fingers crossed.

I have tried so hard to keep this together
This is your big issue. YOU cannot save a relationship on your own.
There's 2 people and they both need to put in the same amount of effort.
He just isn't. He expects you to just 'go with it'
FFS that's just down right disrespectful.

There are many more ways to make someone else's life a misery than simply hitting them or cheating on them. In actual fact, it would it easier for you to walk away if he did those things. Instead, he destroys your marriage with a thousand cuts.

Wow, your last post is pretty shocking, is there anything decent about this man, appears not, cheeky bastard, that is so sad, in actual fact if you want a push to leave him, he's giving you it loud and clear!

it's a dreadful life ahead for you and the DC if you stay- he's putting the booze first all the time:(

He has admitted he doesn't want to stop, and is making your life so unhappy.

Where is he getting money for drink? Family money I guess.

He won't get any better and my ex dh would trot out that line about working so hard for the famiky and needing to relax. What happens when he's out on the piss and you've got sick DC? Will he turn his phone off, like my ex did? Leaving me to deal with ambulances and intensive care, and the fucking embarrassment of being alone and knowing he was in a bar.

I got my exdh to read the AA website but he said " yeah, I know" he also refused counselling because he said he didn't need someone else telling him what to do and how crap he was.

Can you go for counselling alone? Just another ear and one without an agenda? But keep posting:)

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know just what it's like as my ex was like this. Like you I really did not want to split up, so stuck with it much longer than I should have.

I don't think you need to rush it; I do think you need to detach yourself mentally and start to plan. Maybe Al anon might help. Start being honest with yourself and others about his problems - for me that was a hugely liberating step. Realise it's HIS problem, and you don't have to put up with it.

It took me a long time to get there mentally, I kept thinking I could fix him. I hope you get there faster..

Good luck