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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why do I feel so guilty when I know I am right?

27 replies

newyearprude · 18/12/2006 08:29

DH has a long history of smoking pot and while I knew this getting in to the relationship. HE has also been known to occasionally dabble with acid and e. We had planned to go to a friends farm for new years, the kids were going to sleep in their bus and the adults just relax. I knew there would be pot around however have heard dh talking to friend saying he is trying to get some acid as well. I have told him if he is going to take acid then I won't be going and nor will ds, we will hang out quietly at home. He says that ds will be asleep anyway and he really wants us to go. I don't want ds there asleep or not and when I am the only one who doesn't smoke pot or take other substances (won't be drinking either as I like to be available for ds if he needs me (just over 2yrs old)) it is a fairly naff time for me. So why do I feel so guilty and like I am giving dh an ultimatum. It doesn't seem very fair of me when I have known his history all along

OP posts:

airy · 18/12/2006 08:38

You might have known he dabbled when you got into the relationship, and if thats what he wants to do fine, but not around your ds, asleep or not. Kids can and regularly do wake up! lol
There's no way I'd want anyone around my dd if they were on drugs and I don't think thats an unreasonable stance.
Don't feel guilty at all, you're looking out for your ds.

SnafuOutOfHiding · 18/12/2006 08:56

Why shouldn't you be giving him an ultimatum? A bit of pot is one thing (although I'd still not like it, but I am a real prude about drugs and kids, so I've been told) but acid is quite another.

If he's intent on getting off his tits he's not going to notice whether you and ds are there or not, is he? It doesn't sound like much fun to me - I'd be staying home.

maycontainstress · 18/12/2006 10:58

Agree with Snafu.

Ok, you may have known what he was like but you have your DS now and he comes first.

I can't believe your DH thinks this is ok.

Stay at home and have a little disco party with your DS. You are right to be mad, don't feel guilty.

Caroligula · 18/12/2006 11:23

Well actually you may have known his history when you got together, but it is totally reasonable to expect someone to change their behaviour when they have children.

It sounds to me like he's keeping you feeling guilty about expecting him to step up to the mark when it comes to behaving like a grown-up father.

When I was young before I had children, I used to drink too much, go out and get trashed, get home at 2AM and have storming hangovers the next day on a pretty regular basis. And then I became a parent, and guess what, pretty soon I realised that a) you can't behave like that anyway because you don't have the physical capability for it anymore and b) even if you wanted to, to do so is utterly, utterly unfair on your chldren. If ever I go out nowadays (a very rare occasion!) and I'm with the kids next day, having a hangover means I'm snappy with them, crotchedy, bad tempered and incompetent as a mother. So I try not to do it, because it's unfair on them. You change your behaviour and habits when you become a parent. If you don't, you either didn't have any bad habits to begin with, or you're an arse.

pooka · 18/12/2006 11:39

While I wouldn't be overly concerned about your dh smoking pot in the evening (preferable to massive boozing in my opinion because no lousy hangover next day so less likely to impact on your ds) I would say no way to acid.
Did partake in my youth and honestly, the come down afterwards means you're pretty much useless afterwards. So no sleep all night. Crappy comedown the whole of the next day. And you being left out as the sole sensible person and basically keeping your ds away from your dh while he gets it out of his system.
You are not in the wrong.
DH and I both dabbled pre-kids and don't now. That's life - having children is life-changing and you adapt your behaviour and habits to suit your adult life.

tiredemma · 18/12/2006 11:41

how shit will your night be ask him, watching other people tripping is hardly going to be a barrel of laughs for you is it?

Id stay at home with Ds, Id rather stick pins in my eyes that watch my dp trip.

JessaJingleBells · 18/12/2006 11:48

Everyon eso far is right...being the 'sober one' in a room full of jolly, hilarious drunks is bad enough, being the 'one not off their arse' plus being the 'self-designated responsible parental-type'...argh!

You DO change behaviour when you become a parent, this doesn't mean your dh needs to become straight-edge, just be a bit more responsible.

Fine, he can get off his tits on a night out by himself, but when his child will be with him...not on in my opinion, and not fair on you to have to be responsible for the safety and well being of your ds AND DH.

pooka · 18/12/2006 11:49

Thinking about it, it's an appallingly selfish plan really. What a completely crap evening for you. Can't imagine there being any enjoyment in watching someone off their head. FGS when I did it years ago I could barely speak.
Am pleased to have put that aspect of my life behind me - such an extraordinary waste of time and quite scary at times too.

tiredemma · 18/12/2006 12:10

what if your ds woke up? how terrifying would it be for him to see his dad acting like a freaky weirdo?

When i took acid ( in my yoof) my behaviour was so far removed from my normal behaviour.

The more I think about this - the more amazed i am that he thinks that its a perfectly acceptable thing to do while your kids are sleeping. Bizarre.

CorrieDale · 18/12/2006 12:15

Blimey! What a crap time he has lined up for you that night! Wonder if he's succumbing to any feelings of guilt...

Can only echo TiredEmma's post about the pins in my eyes! Stay at home and enjoy your son, and feel sorry for your DH that he isn't doing the same.

NOELallie · 18/12/2006 12:20

Don't go. No problem with small amounts of alcohol and dope but acid is something else. And if you are to be in charge while your DH gets off his head... no fun for you at all. We'll be going to a friends house with kids ...and some wine will be partaken but we'll be going home by 10pm reasonably sober.

clumsymum · 18/12/2006 13:28

Well, no one has pointed this out, but what your dh is planning to do is ....ILLEGAL.

For that reason alone, as a parent, if he had any sense of responsibility he shouldn't be even thinking about it.

Then there are the effects on his health that the drugs have. He doesn't care that long term use of pot can cause psychosis? Or that the acid may be contaminated, and that one evenings use may affect him and his family for life?
(I know one guy who scored some E for his wife. It was from an unknown source, she is dead, he is in jail. They were 'street wise', regular users).

If I was married to your dh, I would be telling him to grow up and face his responsibilities. I certainly wouldn't be going with him on New Years Eve, but if he went, I wouldn't be welcoming him back either.

You should all be spending New Year together (in mind as well as in body), as a family.

Caroligula · 18/12/2006 13:38

Gosh yes, had completely forgotten that all this stuff is illegal.

divastrop · 18/12/2006 20:20

exactly-what if the place got raided and everyone got arrested??oyur ds(and i think you mentioned other children)would end up in the care of ss albeit temporarily.i think you should point these things out to your dh.

i agree with what everybody else has said,just because a person does something pre-kids,doesnt mean its acceptable to carry on doing it once youve got responsibilities

colditz · 18/12/2006 20:28

Um. Well, in order to batter it into his heaad, how about this.

make up a scenariowith children who have to hang around druggie parents. Go into great detailabout how scred they get when parents aare behaving like fruitloops, how someone is on about calling social services. Get his agreement about how dreadful it is. Then point out that this is your family if he had his way.

liquidclocks · 18/12/2006 20:30

Ditto ditto ditto...

Agree with everyone here! My DH aso did pot, mushrooms occasional acid before we got together but before we married I made it a conditon of my 'I do' that he wouldn't anymore - fair enough when you're young, daft and responsibility-free - but after kids you just have to grow up. Very selfish too, it's your night as well!

...on the other hand s'pose I can be a bit balshy! (but still always right of course!)

pantomimEdam · 18/12/2006 20:35

He knows you are right, he's just trying to shift the blame for a stupid plan onto you. Don't go.

LadyTophamHatt · 18/12/2006 20:48

Christ....I did alot of drugs in my youth and quite frankly the last thing I would ever want to do is to do more when a child was there.
Especially my own.

That would be the freakiest of all freaky trips IMO.

Your DH is mad to even concider it...if ds woke up he'd be totally freaked out by him IMO.

clumsymum · 19/12/2006 14:36

Could you show him this thread, just to point out that you are not the only person who thinks his plans are selfish and unfair.

nothercules · 19/12/2006 14:40

Sounds like he seriously needs to grow up. Personally I would rather not be in a relationship with kids with someone like that and would give him an ultimatum to give them up or we're through anyway.

deaconblue · 19/12/2006 15:01

I don't think it sounds like you're even giving him an ultimatum at all. You are just telling him what YOU plan to do -either have a lovely weekend drug free or stay at home with ds. You haven't said he can't go if he really wants to.
Having said that I would be really pissed off if dh chose drugs over family, I get arsey enough when he has a crafty fag while out with his mates.

bea1 · 19/12/2006 18:05

Just to add another voice ... this is wrong both because it's not okay to be on acid around a kid and it's not okay that he might want to be off on a trip without you on new year's eve (I'm not absolutely against taking drugs in certain situations, on occasion and not around kids). If I had to list all the things that I don't do anymore since having DD I'd be here all night. It's what happens. Even if you didn't have a child, when you get into a relationship you can't expect to behave how you "always did" if that affects other people.

I have spent new years eve without adult company for very similar reasons on two occasions (two separate idiot men...) and they were absolutely fine. Stick to your guns. It's not an ultimatum to say you want to be included in your partner's new year plans.

HappyDaddy · 20/12/2006 12:56

Nice to see he sorted his priorities out since having children.

oliveoil · 20/12/2006 13:01

He sounds like a prize knobhead.

Drugs and children do not mix, end of.

Tell him you will stay at home and if he goes to the party, then he sleeps in the garden when he comes back.

I agree with Caligula, I never ever have hangovers (never mind drugs) anymore as the day after is not worth it.

The party doesn't sound like fun at all imo.

bubsagrub · 20/12/2006 14:16

your DP needs to grow up and FAST

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