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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I deal with spying?

34 replies

YouLostMeThere · 04/01/2016 18:16

I really want to post on here and get advice, and have done a couple of times before, but I know my H is spying on me. He reads my text messages, he looks at my web history, he's been going on MN recently and reading the boards, and made a point of telling me he'd been reading. But I think he does it on the quiet as well, and knows who I am and which are my posts. Which makes me want to write FUCK OFFFFFFFFF right now in case he's reading because it's such an invasion of privacy and a betrayal of trust. It makes me feel really desperate. How do I deal with this? How do I prevent him from knowing who i am (any tech-savy people, do tell me where I'm going wrong)? I do delete all my web history but maybe he's doing/reading/seeing some other information I don't know about??? I don't want to have to keep namechanging, it's like being chased and it's horrible. I want to be able to have a safe place to talk, to vent, to get support, without him watching over me. The irony of posting this post under the name that I think he knows has not escaped me, but I'm fed up with being spied on.

OP posts:

goodnightdarthvader1 · 04/01/2016 18:27

You LEAVE. That's how you deal. Why are you still together?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 04/01/2016 18:27

And OP's H, if you're reading this, get a fucking life.

pinkyredrose · 04/01/2016 18:28

Do you really want to live with this insecure inadequate distrusting sorry excuse of a 'man'? I'd be seeing a solicitor, best way to avoid being spied on I can think of.

Pipistrella · 04/01/2016 18:30

This is emotional abuse. Is he awful in other ways as well?

are you safe? You can delete your browsing history if it would help - can talk you through this

Missyaggravation · 04/01/2016 18:31

My ex did this to me, even read a post about me being raped when I was younger. He then had a go at me for not telling him , didn't last long after that. Seriously its no way to live, is it possible he has installed some kind of keyloggers on PC? Could try malware bytes, or other scanners?.

Fidelia · 04/01/2016 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 04/01/2016 18:32

I would take your devices to a computer repair shop and ask them to check for keyloggers.

I couldn't live like that anyway - he'd be dumped.

Roomba · 04/01/2016 18:32

You end the relationship. My ex was like this, extremely controlling and at one point even installed keylogging software on my PC so he could see every thing I typed. That was the straw that broke the camel's back but any form of spying is an absolute dealbreaker for me. How does he expect you to have any respect for him whatsoever if he does this shit? He clearly has none for you!

Arfarfanarf · 04/01/2016 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 04/01/2016 18:40

I used to when I got together with my DH. Luckily he was understanding of my past and instead of getting angry, he was sad that I didn't have the confidence in myself that I was enough for him. It was never a defection of him, just my poor self esteem.

Of course the usual responses you'll get on her would be LTB etc. that's why I thought I'd post a different perspective to be considered or ignored as you see fit

All I can say is that I'm glad my DH understood and thought enough of me to realize I wasn't a bad person and feel I was worth the effort to try to stand by me and make me see how much he adores me. Still can't think why though

We've been together 22 years now and couldn't be happier with each other. If he'd LTB back then (I told him too, just as your DH has so he made sure I knew passwords etc) we'd not have had a marriage, let alone the rock solid one we have now.

I still fear the worst (as many do probably) but I don't expect it now. The one thing I'm sure of in life is that he loves me as much as I love him.

I'm glad he tried to see it from my side and was patient. The responses you'll get on this thread shows how special and amazing he is.

Original poster

YouLostMeThere · 04/01/2016 18:45

I know he is not showing me any respect. I am in that frightening place of knowing what I would advise someone else to do, but being unable to get myself to do it. I'm just feeling completely empty and paralysed. There is a history of EA which I've only just really woken up to, and because of my upbringing, I'm only just realising how bad it is and that it really isn't acceptable. He constantly makes excuses about why he does it and can't see that it's just flat-out wrong whatever the circumstances. We've had a bit of counselling, but frankly it hasn't helped, it's just made me realise how much resentment and anger there is in our relationship - me because he's been/ being such and absolute ARSE, and him because he thinks I should be showing him affection and love, and then he wouldn't need to lose his rag/spy/shout at me/ruin special days with tantrums. I'm so frightened of even my own shadow now, not because I think he'd hurt me, but because I can't think straight, I'm exausted and emotionally damaged. I'm also feeling tied here because of DCs who are all small and on paper our life is wonderful. I've dug myself under a whole heap of shit here and I havent a foggiest how to get out, I'm just too tired. I'm feeling really really desperate and unhappy and sometimes suicidal with the pressure. Getting out is bloody hard and part of me still loves him. I think.

OP posts:

Arfarfanarf · 04/01/2016 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumndad37 · 04/01/2016 18:56

I remember feeling just this way just before I finally did get divorced. GP helped by giving me ADs, so I could cope better, and then I could see a way out for myself. I'd really suggest you at least talk to your GP and tell them what is going on at home. Also call Women's Aid - they help so many women and they've heard it all!! You will find a way, or he will push you to it.

DontMindMe1 · 04/01/2016 20:59

in the short term - change all your passwords, don't leave accounts logged in anywhere - even on your personal ipad etc. Put a pin on your phone. Take your computer/tablet/ipad/phone to a shop and have them checked for spyware like Keyloggers just in case he has gone as far as that - and yes, he is capable of doing that.

when he asks to see your stuff you just say 'no'. If he gets physical, threatening or abusive in any way you ring the police on him.

he's an arse.

DontMindMe1 · 04/01/2016 21:00

longterm - ltb

Marchate · 04/01/2016 23:25

It's a horrible thing to experience. Especially when you change a password and he not only tells you he knows you've changed it, but also says what you changed it to!
Nasty

Original poster

YouLostMeThere · 05/01/2016 11:00

I use an iPad mostly - that can't have key loggers can it? I don't think he's actually very tech-aware. But maybe I'm wrong. He's deceived me so often now that I don't know if I know him. I used to think I knew what he'd do, what he'd think, but now I have to admit I just can't fathom some of it. I told him I was so angry about him spying on me, and one of his responses was to tell me I needed to see an anger management counsellor. Wtf? I think being angry is natural?

OP posts:

whatdoesittake48 · 05/01/2016 11:18

Yes anger is normal. I have also been through this and ignored it for the sake of peace. But it changes you. You become aware of your actions and second guess yourself. Letting you know he is doing it is even worse because you are then controlled. You know there is a chance he could have access to everything you do so you modify your behaviour. You are controlled almost with permission.
But there is one place he can't get to. Yourinnerthoughts. Keep those safe and formulate a plan to leave.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/01/2016 11:28

Please call Womens Aid and talk to someone.
When you feel suicidal then please call the Samaritans for someone to talk to.
WA can help you with an exit strategy.
In the meantime you need to STOP joint counselling.
You are being abused and joint counselling should be avoided and your counsellor shouldn't even be doing the sessions.
Go the counselling on your own to get your feelings out and find yourself again.
He's done such a good job on you I don't think you know which way is up.
You need to leave. No-one on here is going to advise you to stay with an abuser. You just can't do it.
It will break you and we need to rebuild you.
Start with WA then CAB then get your exit sorted out.
This is no way to live.

pinkyredrose · 05/01/2016 11:33

That was his response! he needs help!

OP is there anywhere you can stay for a few days or a wk or so, family, friends etc, just to give you some breathing space and time to clear your head and see a way forward?

exexpat · 05/01/2016 11:48

Monitoring a partner's activity online is one of the aspects of behaviour covered by new domestic abuse rules on emotional abuse and controlling behaviour introduced last week - maybe you should leave this story or this story open in your browser, or fill your internet history with related searches.

plainjanine · 05/01/2016 15:44

On the practical side of things, you need to find out of there are keyloggers on your devices. If/when you split up, he will still use them if they are there.

Also, he needs to understand that if he has installed software to track you/monitor you on your devices, he has comitted a criminal offense. It is pretty serious.

Good luck, OP. I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do.

Joysmum · 05/01/2016 16:04

I told him I was so angry about him spying on me, and one of his responses was to tell me I needed to see an anger management counsellor. Wtf?

Fucking hell. Just read that and that you know you've been in an EA relationship for a while

The problem is his. I like exepat's suggestion of creation browsing history and leaving tabs open.

Tbh, from what I've read even then he won't think it applies to him in his situation.

citybumpkin · 05/01/2016 16:14

What about when a partner asks for all your passwords, gives you a phone linked to his business account (tells you to take it everywhere with you), puts what you think is a keylogger in the back of your computer, strops when you dont answer the phone as you are busy, is able to see your browsing history as your computer is attached to his business server? I flirted with another man briefly. My partner found out by somehow getting into my computer/email account when we lived separately. After he confronted me and I agreed to give him passwords etc. I had nothing to hide. This went on for 3 years until he left me.

Bobblehat10 · 05/01/2016 17:09

Can't believe the hypocrisy on this thread. Yes it's terrible that your DH is 'watching' you. Yes it's enough to make you leave.
And that's exactly why the advice to do this to ones DH when suspecting an affair is completely rubbish. (You hear the advise to monitor web sites and phones all the time).

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