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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just discovered my friends DH has a mistress!! Would you tell??

60 replies

pedilia · 17/12/2006 19:01

And she has no idea, they have three DD's together, I am torm between telling her but I have been caught in this situation before and it all ended horribly with him denying it and friend blaming me!!

What would you do???????????

OP posts:

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 17/12/2006 20:05

If I found out my husband was being unfaithful to me, and then found out that one of my friends had known about it and chosen to keep it from me, she wouldn't be a friend any more. Horses for courses I suppose....

Floatinginthemoonlitsky · 17/12/2006 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleSarah · 17/12/2006 20:09

And if she wanted to quietly tolerate it then perhaps she would also want her husband to be discreet, which in this case he doesn't seem to be being.

I know messengers get shot but I could not keep that secret, not from a friend.

DimpledThighs · 17/12/2006 20:27

it is the husband forcing her to deal with it by walking around hand in hand with another woman.

You have done nothing wrong - but as I said before - I would rather know!

NappiesGalooooooooooooria · 17/12/2006 20:33

id want to know too!

just saying not everyone would.

and i think being told about it and then realising that its not just you and your husband who are now watching to see what you'll do next... that is 'forcing' you to do something, or be noticed to be doing nothing...

Floatinginthemoonlitsky · 17/12/2006 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NappiesGalooooooooooooria · 17/12/2006 20:34

agree the husband is a shit.

publicly humiliating his wife.

putting the op in an awful situation.

asking her to say nothing?? he has no shame.

but the op asked for opinions, so im giving one.

NappiesGalooooooooooooria · 17/12/2006 20:37

and if i didnt know, id be humiliated in the extreme to be told about it by a friend. dont know how good a friend this is... but anything other than a really close friend... dont think id be able to face them again easily. so you may lose her friend ship that way too...

then again, as greeny was it? says, to later find out you knew and said nothing, that may be worse for some... dunno.

Floatinginthemoonlitsky · 17/12/2006 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floatinginthemoonlitsky · 17/12/2006 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

pedilia · 17/12/2006 20:51

that's the thing she is not a really close friend

OP posts:

suzycreamcheese · 17/12/2006 21:33

just a thought..if this bloke is walking hand in hand w/ another for anyone to see, what if someone else tells his wife and in the fallout of it all he assumes it was you who told her, not someone else..
you might not be close friend but you must be concerned enough to post this.. think twiglets way is good way to break it gently...

cutekids · 17/12/2006 21:50

as a woman who has found out so many things this year that she can't believe, i would resent any REAL friend from telling the absolute truth no matter how much it hurts...in the long run,you're doing her (me?!) a favour.

mumblechum · 17/12/2006 21:51

Sorry, slight hijack here. My friend (not close, more of an acquaintance), has been shagging a work colleague for 10, yes, 10 years!
Her husband found out 2 years ago thru' seeing her emails, and she told him it was just sex and she'd finish with the boyfriend. Well, of course she hasn't and as far as I know her dh doesn't know it's still going on.
My inclination is to keep well out of it, but I do occasionally get a twinge of guilt and wonder if I should somehow let him know. I think the fact I've known about it for years and not said anything speaks for itself, but what do others think??? The dh is a total doormat in every way, from what I can see. They have 3 kids.

jasper · 17/12/2006 23:42

IMO you should absolutely keep out of it.

jasper · 17/12/2006 23:44

It's not as if you saw them having sex. You don't actually know the extent of the relationship with this other woman.

jampots · 17/12/2006 23:49

no dont tell but allow her the chance to tell you of any suspicions she may have.

also you need a word with her dh about it.

DeepPannCrispandEven · 17/12/2006 23:52

It is nothing to do with you. Her assumed anger at not being told by you is no reason to involve yourself in other's business. Twiglet's proposed method is a confusing, cowardly way of interfering. IMVHO.

You did ask?

zookeeper · 18/12/2006 00:14

If this friend knows you well enough to come to you for comfort when she finds out about DH (as she inevitably will) then you must tell her. Imagine how much worse she would feel to find out that you had known all along. I do think that you should say to him that if he doesn't tell her you will.

If she's not a close friend then it's not worth the aggro.

I would be absolutely devastated if a friend of mine knew and didn't tell me.

I can't imagine how you would tell her, though. How difficult

Chandra · 18/12/2006 10:18

"If this friend knows you well enough [...]" . I think that's the important point, if my best friend's husband was cheating on her I would find the way to tell her, because I kow she would believe me. Going against the word of a husband (if he decides to tell her you have made it up) really requires for her to trust you almost as much as she does her husband, otherway your words would only offend her and won't make much difference.

I don't know really, for instance, I wouldn't have a problem to tell my younger sister if her BF was cheating on her because I know she would apreciate it the honesty. My older sister, in the other hand, would rather shut me out of her life and to pretend the affair never happened...[sigh*]

Bugsy2 · 18/12/2006 11:06

I can't really advise on what is best to do, but could I just say that if you do decide to tell your friend - please leave it until after Christmas.

themoon66 · 18/12/2006 12:05

"It is nothing to do with you. Her assumed anger at not being told by you is no reason to involve yourself in other's business. Twiglet's proposed method is a confusing, cowardly way of interfering. IMVHO. "

I second the above post by Pann.

LittleSarah · 18/12/2006 12:10

I disagree, if you care about a close friend and know something you believe she would not want you to hide from her then it is absolutely your business.

Jeez, if I had friends who thought like that I would be horrified.

LucyLemon · 18/12/2006 13:10

What about an anonymous note sometime in the New Year - as long as the husband is still up to his antics. You could then offer her support if she makes it known to you what is going on - but never ever admit to being the note's author!
Did he indicate to you whether this was something that was long-term...any remorse at being caught?

Or has she a close friend that you could talk to and leave it in her hands? Pass the buck?

I would certainly let a friend know if their hubby was messing around. I would want to know if my partner was.

kittylettekissingsanta · 18/12/2006 13:12

i agree with lucy, id send an anomynous email/letter

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