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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marriage has ended because of our daughters death

58 replies

cathpip · 03/01/2016 07:59

Were do I start. H told me in Oct that he has found it very hard to love me over the last few months after I called him out on his distant behaviour with me.
20 months ago when ds2 was days old our 3 year old dd died very unexpectedly, since her death his grief has consumed him and he has been very negative towards me with comments like 'I clearly loved our dd more as I'm grieving more than you' I am grieving but I have to do it in private away from ds1 as he was 5 when this happened and he gets utterly distraught when he sees me cry. H thinks I have moved on, he thinks that we can't possibly be happy ever again.
In August I had ds3, I had the most horrid pregnancy and was nearly wheelchair bound with spd, h never lifted a finger to help with ds2 who was 17 months old when ds3 arrived by section, he admitted yesterday that ds3 was a band aid baby and that he had hoped for a girl.
H is very much a glass is half empty character, if there are 10 positives and 1 negative he will zone in on the negative and wallow openly. We have tried counselling and I felt things were going well, we were making plans for this year and then yesterday he tells me he doesn't love me anymore.
I asked him to leave and spelt it out in no uncertain terms what a selfish emotionally abusive arsehole he has been to me since dd's death, and what is now going to happen, divorce and house sale. he left in tears, physical sobbing begging to stay. He has had a breakdown and is suffering from severe depression but won't go to the drs for help, thing is I'm also suffering from the same but am on ads, I have allowed his behaviour because I and all our friends know this is not him and divorce would be the biggest mistake of his life but he just keeps on digging his hole deeper and shunning any help.
Thing is I am a sahm, have been for 5 years, no qualifications, he's a very high earner. I'm frightened, I don't know how I'm going to live, if I'm entitled to anything. H has destroyed our family unit, I told him that not only has he lost his dd he's now lost the rest of us.

OP posts:

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/01/2016 16:42

I have nothing helpful to add but remember your thread and just wanted to say how very sorry I am to hear this.

Am thinking of you

PhilPhilConnors · 03/01/2016 16:49

I also have no useful advice, although I wish I did.
I'm so sorry to hear this.

Concerned97 · 03/01/2016 17:55

Remember your original post, this is just tragic.

He dies need help, but you can't cope fir all of you, you need to look after yourself, your gorgeous DSs and those sadly are the facts.

My feeling is that he will want to return, my Stan e would be, you need to see your GP, get the help you need, then we may discuss this further.

I'm so dreadful sorry for all of you.

Concerned97 · 03/01/2016 17:56

Massive typos, sorry, on phone!

Original poster

cathpip · 04/01/2016 07:10

He came home yesterday afternoon a bit all guns blazing about the boys and access, had phoned a lawyer friend for advice. He has realised now that I'm not the meek and mild let him have his way type person anymore, there was no shouting but we have decided that as he's not fully sure what he wants because of his breakdown (he doesn't want to lose the family unit) if there is a small chance that our marriage is salvageable then we should try everything. He has agreed to go to the drs, we are already in joint bereavement counselling and he left last night for a trail separation and will come home every other week to see the boys as this will give him a taste of of what he is going to lose and what his future without his family will be like. I have said that he is to think long and hard during this time as I know what he is saying now is the biggest mistake of his life and so does everyone else, if after this trial he still doesn't love me then we will divorce but once that has started there is no return from it. Thank you for all your kind words I will keep you posted, silly thing is I knew this was all coming, the day after Pippa died I said I would not let her death and our grief destroy our family, it's a shame my h can't see that he is allowing it to.

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 04/01/2016 07:21

I'm so sorry for your loss, Cathpip.

If your husband is depressed it doesn't excuse his cruelty. Protect yourself and your boys.

Whensmyturn · 04/01/2016 07:22

The fact that he is going to the Drs is a major step forward. If he starts medication that should make a huge difference. I'm praying for strength for you though you have already proved how strong you are keeping your family going.

travailtotravel · 04/01/2016 07:56

I am so sorry for your loss. Please take all necessary steps to ensure you have details of all the marital assets and any evidence you need to help you if things don't work out. Best to do this now to protect yourself if you will need it. Sorry if that's harsh, I do hope it works out for you

Original poster

cathpip · 21/01/2016 05:58

Sadly h has decided to call time on our marriage, I have been resigned to this fate for a few weeks now. I and all my friends know that this is still the biggest mistake of his life but there you go. I am seeing a solicitor next week, I have photocopies of all relevant financial documents just incase he tries to hide stuff but he has said that i can have what I want from the house so I can make a new home for the boys with as little disruption and upset to them as possible. Unfortunately as much as I want to tell him precisely what I think of him he is going to be in my life for a very long time, he already knows that he has been utterly cruel to me but we need to keep this divorce friendly and easy for the sake of our eldest, I need to go through this process with my head held high being the bigger person because at the end of it I will have the new family home full of children and laughter and happiness and he gets the shitty cold dark two up two down full of emptiness. I have been through the worst thing that could happen as a parent, this is nothing in comparison, and the bonus being I get to move home near my sisters, brother and dad instead of being 300 mikes away. I can't deny that I'm not frightened but I have a mass of support, onwards and upwards, will keep you posted!

OP posts:

SSargassoSea · 21/01/2016 06:09

Thank goodness you are moving nearer to family - that will make a big change in your life for the better, how lovely for the DCs too.

Best wishes for a happier future.

It might seem the biggest mistake of his life but you don't know, he might be forced to become the stronger, better person you needed over this sad time by having to manage on his own. Also, I wouldn't assume he will be generous. That could change any time.

quicklydecides · 21/01/2016 06:11

Onwards and upwards brave woman...

goddessofsmallthings · 21/01/2016 06:16

I'm not easily moved to tears but I've just shed a few on reading your update.

As you've said, compared with what you've been through this is nothing and I know that you'll find your fears are unfounded after you've made the move and are surrounded by your loving family members.

Upthenoonoo · 21/01/2016 06:34

Oh cathpip I remember when Pippa died and am so very sorry to hear this. The death of a child has to be the most traumatic experience a parent can ever go through but absolutely no excuse for his behaviour.

You sound like an amazing Mum and it's great that you can have your family support. Keep your head held high lovely xxx

Leelu6 · 21/01/2016 06:37

Cathpip, so sorry to hear about all your going through.

You're incredibly brave and know what's right for you and your children.

How ironic that he thinks he is grieving more your poor little DD but can't do his best for those who are still here, you and your other DC.

I hope your new life is filled with the happiness and laughter ypu hooe for.

Leelu6 · 21/01/2016 06:38

*you hope for

novemberchild · 21/01/2016 06:44

I don't have any advice. I just want to say how sorry I am to read this, and I hope that somehow, your family finds happiness after this horrible time, even if you do indeed divorce.

I think...men grieve strangely, sometimes. I think for us, it's easier to say how we feel, and to find other women who have been through our experiences and who can share that. I don't think men have that, a lot of the time. They blame themselves, perhaps. They get depressed and have no outlet because they think they 'should' be able to cope. 20 months is not really a long time at all to grieve, either.

I wish you all a bright future after this terrible time.

ScoutandAtticus · 21/01/2016 06:57

I read the first few lines and knew it was you. I have read all your posts about Pippa and send you lots of hand holding and hugs. I have no advice other than what's been given. What a truly shit situation for you. I hope this is a wake up call for him.

OllyBJolly · 21/01/2016 07:02

Also, I wouldn't assume he will be generous. That could change any time.

This. So many men will promise the earth and when reality hits, they meet a new partner (or you do), and the generosity runs out. Child maintenance is not a fortune. Any spousal maintenance will be limited.

I wish you well.

catwithflowers · 21/01/2016 07:08

Coconutty · 21/01/2016 07:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caravanista · 21/01/2016 07:13

I so admire your courage and generosity. I've followed your posts about your awful bereavement and also been touched by the support you regularly offer to others on MN. I'm so very sorry that your DH has behaved like this.

Concerned97 · 21/01/2016 07:22

You are one very brave and strong woman, I wish you all the very best for your future xx

Duckdeamon · 21/01/2016 07:24

I am very sorry to hear this cathpip.

Will your H really agree to your moving so far away?

shovetheholly · 21/01/2016 07:36

I have no words for your grief. I can't even imagine what it's like to go through what you and your family have suffered. You have my very deepest and most heartfelt sympathy.

I think you're absolutely right that your DH needs to seek help. Perhaps he will seek it now that he realises the pain his behaviour is inflicting. If he doesn't, at least you know that you did everything you could to push him towards it.

Whatever happens next, you will be OK. You will handle it. Christ, you've walked through the very worst anyone can walk through already. You are so brave and strong.

PrincessMouse · 21/01/2016 07:45

I am so sorry Op. I have little comfort to offer but I could not read what you are going through and not respond. My thoughts to you and your boys.

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