I turned 33 and online dating went dead...

[hopeisfadingfast]

Just wondered if anyone else has had this experience?

I started dating around 6 years ago and got loads of attention in my late 20s. I was in a relationship when I turned 30 and didn't start dating again until I was 32, which was noticeably harder work but I was still getting enough interest to meet a handful of (seemingly) quality new people every month.

Since turning 33 it's like I'm invisible to everyone except those over 60 who can't write in sentences and have no teeth. Slight exaggeration but I'm not getting anyone contacting me who actually looks like a match and even when I message men whose age range I'm within, they never write back. When I was 32 my profile was pretty much the same and I'd say at least half would write back, if not more. I can only think they don't want to look ageist in case it puts off the younger women who they're actually aiming to date.

I'm in the central belt of Scotland, I don't know if that's relevant. I phoned a dating/introductions agency as I'm considering my options and they implied that eligible men are particularly thin on the ground in Scotland but I'm thinking it might be in their best interests to say that!?

I have written profiles professionally for other people and feel that mine is what I want it to be; I used to get men writing to say they liked it even though they didn't think we were a match so I don't think I'm doing anything majorly wrong on that front but I'm not ruling it out. I'm not sporty, outdoorsy or spontaneous which I know means I'm not what the majority of men are looking for in the first place but I do come across people who look like matches in their mid to late 30s and they don't even seem to entertain the idea of talking to me in my old age.

I changed my hair and makeup (and also stopped wearing contact lenses - now always wear glasses) round about the time I turned 33 so it's possible that might be affecting my success rate but I'm getting more real life attention so I don't think I look any worse.

I found an article online that said that most women experience a sharp decline in interest on turning 33 but I hadn't expected it to be quite so sharp! Is anyone else in the same boat? Any tips?

Apparently many men seem to think that a women in her mid-thirties (or nearing that age) is desperate for children and to settle down. Hence the dip in interest between 30-something and 40-something.

Or so I've read

I think its more a baby thing than a glasses thing. Unless they are particularly bad glasses I was a little bit older than you, mid to late 30s, and got very little interest. Once I got past obvious baby age the interest increased exponentially. I think men are wary of women of that age. Its a bit shit, but I can kind of understand it tbh.

Oh that's interesting to have your perspectives Distance and UpTheRoad - I think the glasses suit me but I've just found a blog by a woman who says she saw a big dip in interest when she uploaded glasses pictures. Thing is, I think when I first turned 33 I still had the contact lenses pictures up and when I changed them I don't remember noticing a big difference but it's so hard to tell. I thought I'd be less in demand when I hit 33 so I did a lot of dating in the last few months of being 32, then had a break as from my birthday as I was broke and exhausted. I suppose I thought the lack of attention was half due to me not putting as much effort in and just expected it to pick up again if I did a lot of the initial messaging,even if it didn't reach past levels. Can anyone else in their mid-late thirties or anyone else with glasses tell me what their experience has been? Providing you're not crazily beautiful as I presume men will always make exceptions for unusually good looking women.

I'm afraid I also think it's a baby thing.

OLD allows people to set fairly sweeping boundaries for themselves. Many men think any women over 35 will be angling for their sperm from date 5. 34? Hmm bit too close to 35 still. 33? Still feels dangerous, things would have to move quickly. 32? Hmm beginning to relax now. So the age limit gets set at 18-32 and they prioritise the under 30.

re the baby thing - I'd think that men in their 30s aer getting anxious about starting a family too! many say so on their profiles. Yes you'd get less of the casual-minded but still a good number of those wanting a family. I still think, the glasses, and partly minus a percentage of those who want 'fun'.

They are but they also know they don't have to do it tomorrow. They want a little bit of fun before nappy time. Sweeping generalisation but the broody 36 year old man wants a 30 year old woman, who wants a baby but also has a few more hangovers and big holidays to get out of her system.

I know from the number of men from school on my FB who all fell like skittles in the run up to their fortieths, all finally engaged, and finally happy to publicise it, there are men who want marriage and a family.

So be up front about what you want when you meet them at least.

A broody 39 year old man would know he was lucky to date OP.

mulledshandy Please dont be worried, upset yourself, my intent was very genuine its no big deal at all! Whoever this person was who was doing the that it wasn't me! I don't indulge in amateurish psychology.

Also I do find you reference to a foreign bride offensive, it's a totally untrue allegation and uncalled for!

I see that No more 314's message has been delayed i would suggest that if you think I'm a voyeur then please look that definition up in a decent dictionary. And saying 'eff of to me single mashed potato was also rather offensive it was a Beef Bourguignon thanks.

Expellibramus & Thankgodforthat I thank you for your reasoned comments.

hopeisfadingfast Interesting reading those article's you referred to.

What might be of no real interest is that I was around a friends for a party the other evening and Two there were divorcing etc and in that conversation there were some men who were in their mid thirties to forties all unhitched they all agreed that they didn't want to be married as it was too much of a commitment least that was the opinion of three of them and relationships were too much like "hard work". Perhaps all rather sad?

Anyways must fly I have another interest in another website a dating one:0-

Gosh, I'd have no idea how to answer a question about wanting children on a dating website unless they gave the option "would never rule it out for the right person".

OP I'm 43 and joined match three weeks ago. I've been inundated by guys from 22 to 69. The thirty somethings are flocking, and initially I was 'Oh yes!' , but after a little thinking (with my head ), I thought this age group will want to settle down, maybe start a family and I should mostly consider men who already had children, and maybe were slightly older.

I have been talking to two guys online, for a couple of weeks now, and am going on dates next week! To see how we get on.
Nervous isn't the word - especially as they both want to meet on the same night!!

I wear glasses, and took them off, put some lippy on and smiled - they love it!

Have had over 2, 000 views in three weeks

Mamapotter2008 it's just a box ticking thing really - you tick yes, no or undecided.

I uploaded 3 photos wearing contact lenses to my okcupid profile but so far have kept the glasses ones up too. My main photo is one of the contacts ones. My number of views has shot up but they're all coming from Kyrgyzstan, Israel Armenia and the Netherlands . Out of 40 new people who have viewed me since I changed the photo only 4 are new people in my age range and area and they all have pretty awful profiles. But I haven't messaged anyone myself yet so maybe I will have more luck with that. If nothing work I think I'm going to have to call in the headhunters (I've just found out they exist in a dating context !

Ugh, crappy grammar and punctuation; I promise I take way more care when I'm messaging people online!

Good for you Beautifullymixed! All these forty-somethings enjoying dating success is giving me hope although a kind of long way off hope! Initially I had thought that this was it, that it was going to be like this for ever more but it is quite possibly just a weird age to be at. Incidentally, I do get a few eligible younger men who have good profiles but I'm not comfortable going more than 4 years younger and ideally I'd like someone as close to my own age as possible.

It's the total absence of thirty-somethings that confuses me. I get that a man in his mid to late thirties looking to start a family would like time to establish the relationship making a woman in her late twenties appealing but do men not also worry that a much younger woman is far more likely to leave them? A much younger woman will be able to attract men significantly younger than herself meaning her partner will be competing with men far far younger; not such a big deal at 35 but when you're 50 and you're partner's getting attention from 35 year-olds surely that's a dangerous position to be in? Does that not scare men?! Especially given women instigate 2/3 to 3/4 of all divorces?

I think most men would know that a woman 15 years younger than them isn't going to want their children. I agree with you, if it's marriage and babies you're looking for (and why wouldn't you) then target your messages at men 3-7 years older. Ignore the younger ones.

Marc Evan Katz the American dating coach has written some interesting articles about this subject. He says he does have lots of men coming to him wanting families and looking for women of childbearing age. And they say to him "I thought women wanted to settled down and have children!". they're disillusioned with women!! But they've got through their 20s, 30s and most of their 40s without having a child and now they look for a young woman to fix that. He advises men reading to make sure that parenthood happens earlier if that's what you want in life. He's very straightforward. \you can read a lot of his advice for free.

I wouldn't worry about (some) men messaging women 15 years their junior. I'm sure most quickly realise that it's a bit fruitless being repeatedly ignored. Other men will actually prefer to show up on the date and hope that the woman fancies them. Refer to Twinklesteins hilarious comment upthread.

MulledShandy Love the phrase 'fortune cookie support'.

Ah, you say you haven't messaged anybody yourself yet.

This is the problem! Really. You need to experience a few rejections and then lick your wound for three minutes and realise that you're ok. A day later you won't remember it. It's quite empowering to realise that you can initiate the contact, be rejected and be perfectly fine about it! Be like a man. Message about ten. Honestly you'll have a few replies to make you forget the ones who don't respond.

I just meant I haven't messaged anyone since I changed my photos last night . I've messaged hundreds over the course of my dating escapades and rejection doesn't really bother me so long as it's not blanket rejection from an entire website worth of men !

I've read a lot of Evan Marc Katz actually but thanks for the suggestion any way! I don't agree with everything about his approach but he has a good blog that attracts intelligent and interesting comments. And while I don't think most guys would go for women 15 years younger a lot will go for 7 or 8 years, and I suppose I'd guess that if they end up with one of these younger women, these women are attractive to men 7 or 8 years younger than them, meaning the age gap between a man and the men in his partner's "attraction range" is likely to be 15 or so years. I don't really understand why men don't see that as risky. To me it's terrifying!

I don't think men see much youmger men as a risk as they think that women who want a family would go for reliability that comes with maturity (in many cases) and also that younger men are not after serious relationships. Yes they know some women would put looks/sex as a priority but they also know that majority who want children, see other things as more important - and if an older man is successful they remain a catch, rightly or wrongly.

Yes, but love can be crazy and it doesn't matter how good a catch someone is on paper, that feeling of limerence can break up any marriage and surely anyone is going to be tempted by younger, better looking options. I think in previous generations women left men rarely but that's all changed drastically in only a generation or so. And once a woman has her kids she may move on as many women do.

I'm not finding a shortage of thirty somethings at all!
I've just taken a thirty year olds number - for if the dates lined up don't work out
He was just too cute, and charming in his messages to not to....

I have a very theory that is vaguely age related; totally unscientific of course, but based on the idea that it picks up again in your 50s.

Men who do not want more DC don't go for the 30/40s age bracket when they fear a biological clock may be ticking.

That could be completely wrong of course. And is not hopeful for you hopeisfadingfast (or at least not in the short term).

I'm 35 and when I had a profile on POF / OK Cupid I got around 100 messages a day. I do look young for my age but at the end of the day I'm still 35. I would stress that even with all those people messaging me I didn't find anyone decent!

I would say it's probably your area...

You're in your 40s though Beautifullymixed - they seem to like the older women unless you're just unusually good looking or somewhere with a better single female to male ratio, which to be fair would be anywhere but where I am apparently. I've just read that Glasgow is the worst place to be a single woman in the UK and Edinburgh is not that far behind with far higher numbers of single women than men (I'm right in the middle of the two). Forty thousand more single women than men in Glasgow and twenty five thousand more in Edinburgh (which is far smaller than Glasgow). Conversely, for the first time in many many years, single men apparently now outnumber single women in England and Wales; maybe it's time to move! Can I ask where you are roughly, bodenbiscuit? You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. I think I look young for my age in my pictures too. In real life it depends how bad my skin condition is; if I have to cake on the makeup I don't look so young but you can't see the makeup in the photos so I wouldn't say I look much different to the fresh faced 27 year old I was when I joined up. Also, the study I looked at said 33 year old women got less messages than anyone and while I've just found out that data came from only looking at women up to age 35, it is interesting that the 33 year olds got less than the 34 and 35 year olds. Maybe it's just a freak age .

I do think that a lot of men may well be looking for younger women to start families with and older women when they don't want more children but what surprises me is that this doesn't seem to even be a "most of them" thing. It seems to be an "almost every last one of them thing". If I'd just joined now I'd assume I just wasn't very good looking compared to the competition but I had a decent amount of interest until recently and I don't look any different. I do still get messages, but the quality men are not in my age range (a fair few men in their mid to late twenties) and the rest rule themselves out somehow, by failing to read my profile properly or just sending a "how are you?". Again, I'd be so so wary of settling down with someone much younger. If you're way ahead of your partner in the ageing process I think that makes you pretty vulnerable but a lot of people seem to assume that love will conquer all.

On a positive note I do actually have a date tomorrow with a quality 39 year old who got in touch through match. I haven't changed my photos on match yet as they have to approve them and it's a faff. The first date from match in almost a year (it has been the least fruitful of the three for ages now) but seemingly just through luck!

I'm in the Midlands.

I don't do online dating any more though because I've come to the conclusion that my boundaries aren't good enough to be able to figure out when someone's an are through initial texting. Every guy I met from OD was only interested in the way I look.

The other day for the first time ever I went on a date with a man who seems interested in me as a whole person and my life/ my family etc. I first met him through friends a few years ago. He is the first person who has not asked me for nude photos.

Sorry to hijack your thread, but I've actually been quite sad about dating. In spite of the volume of messages I received, they all seemed to be pretty awful.

Yes the problem with men in their 20s is that they tend to still live at home with their parents and some of them are quite childish...I met some who didn't understand that my children don't just slot in a cupboard. And that I don't want my children to meet anyone early on.

You're not hijacking the thread at all boden - I'm more than happy for the conversation to evolve and branch out! Sounds like you're cursed with exceptional beauty which brings a different set of problems than what the rest of us have to deal with which must be lonely in a way. To be honest though when you say that every guy was only interested in the way you look, how did you come to that conclusion? A lot of men just aren't interested in anyone other than themselves, irrespective of looks. I've been on countless dates where the guy just talked about himself the whole time and then got in touch to say he'd had a great time and did I want to do it again sometime? Chances are you may have had the same experience with average looks and an average guy.

And did every man you spoke to through OLD ask you for nude photos? That seems crazy! I've chatted with god knows how many hundreds of men over the years and I've been asked a grand total of once and I just can't imagine any of the men I've met asking anyone anything like that - I'm sure a lot of them had chatted to women better looking than me but I just can't see them doing something like that. Have you thought about dating/relationship coaching? You sound like you have a lot going for you and could find someone pretty amazing if you could work out how to screen the men you talk to in a way that works for you.

OP the sad truth is if you ditch the glasses and show a bit more in the décolletage area you will get more responses.

Justaboy please ignore the nasty sexist and ageist comments directed at you here. As far a as I am aware everyone is welcome on mumsnet.

There are some absolute vultures on the relationship boards , always urging women to LTB and I don't see people calling on them as individuals in the nasty way some have done to you.