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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is being domineering a bad thing?

35 replies

SpendSpendSpend · 01/01/2016 21:05

If your dh/dw said you was very domineering (not sex related) how would you take this?

Is being domineering a bad thing?

What is your understanding of the word domineering?

OP posts:
longdiling · 01/01/2016 21:07

Yes, it's a bad thing. It means you force your will and opinions on someone and take over.

PurpleDaisies · 01/01/2016 21:07

Domineering is definitely not a good thing-I understand it to mean bossy and overbearing.

Do you think you behave like this? What prompted your partner to say this?

RiceCrispieTreats · 01/01/2016 21:09

Being domineering is bad, yes.

Being told that you are domineering... possible headfuckery.

Tell us a bit more about your relationship. How do you feel about it generally? What situations has your partner pinpointed as domineering?

Scarletforya · 01/01/2016 21:10

Yes, it's bad. Domineering describes someone who has to have their own way at all times, at the expense of everyone else around them.

Morganly · 01/01/2016 21:34

Yes, being domineering is a bad thing. Compromise is important and other people's opinions and wishes should be considered and taken into account before decisions are made. If one person has the final say most of the time and thinks that they are always right and their opinions and wishes take precedence over others, then they are domineering.

But just because someone says you are domineering doesn't mean you are. It might be that that your accuser wants to dominate you and doesn't like it when you stand up for yourself or disagree with them.

Original poster
SpendSpendSpend · 01/01/2016 21:43

Ok thanks for your perspectives.

Dh has a habit of not clearing up after himself, or making the bed if hes last out of it etc...

Now i dont expect to have to ASK someone to do what is generally expected of an adult. So if i go into the kitchen and all what dh has cooked with at dinner (for himself only) is all piled into the kitchen sink when there is an empty dishwasher there and dh is upstairs on the computer i will shout up to him. Now i will not ask him to please come down and tidy up and then say thank you afterwards as it shouldnt be left like that. So i will shout up and say....

Err whats all this down here, dont leave it a shit tip for me.

He says this is domineering

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 01/01/2016 21:44

I know someone who is a bit domineering, hes lufly! He seems to want his own way all the time. I'm not someone who fights things for the sake of it, I'm quite happy for someone else to make decisions, but...I am more than capable of standing my ground, ignoring things and going about doing my own thing. And I won't back down and give in when I know I am right!

I think you need to be clear on how you define the term. I also think that there is whole world of difference between being domineering, if by which you mean someone quite assertive, and being a selfish bully. Some people seem to lack self awareness, they often think if its good for them, its good for everyone, and that they know best. They are not bullying, if in their mind they think they are doing what is best for everyone. You can point out any flaws in their thinking. A bully, well forget reasoning.

I don't know how I would feel, its unlikely I shall ever be called domineering.

Womaloosh · 01/01/2016 21:46

DP says I'm having a go at him if I ask him to clean up after himself. He makes loads of mess and expects it to magically vanish...

MiniTheMinx · 01/01/2016 21:47

Oh dear, you know, you really shouldn't expect the manchild to clear up! Ask him how he would deal with his colleagues at work if they left all the shit work for him to do?

Offred · 01/01/2016 21:48

Yes, it's a suggestion that you partner feels you are arrogant and you take over everything.

Offred · 01/01/2016 21:50

I don't think it is fair to call someone domineering if they are simply expecting you clean up your own mess.

Marchate · 01/01/2016 21:51

That's not being domineering. That's making a reasonable request.

He's calling you domineering to see if you stop asking him to clear up etc. That's pushing limits

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/01/2016 21:51

Sounds like it might be a little from column A and a little from column B. He shouldn't make mess and not clear up. And you shouldn't have to coax him charmingly to have him clear up. However, I don't think beds should be made when you get up (and science agrees) so if someone was trying to impose that on me, I would think they were domineering.

RiceCrispieTreats · 01/01/2016 21:53

He calls you 'domineering' when you express a bit of backbone, because he'd rather you didn't have any at all.

RiceCrispieTreats · 01/01/2016 21:57

And why the hell is he cooking dinner for himself only?

Sounds pretty selfish.

PrimeDirective · 01/01/2016 22:01

What's wrong with just asking nicely though?
If the purpose is to get it cleared up and he is more likely to respond to polite requests than shouted demands, then why is it do hard to just ask?
I don't think it's domineering but I don't think it's necessary.

goddessofsmallthings · 01/01/2016 22:45

Why should the OP, whose dh "has a habit" of not clearing up after himself, have to ask 'nicely' for him to do so Prime?

If I had to live with someone who regularly leaves the place in a mess and expects me to clear up after them, I might resort to becoming dictatorial rather than domineering.

CocktailQueen · 01/01/2016 22:48

Christ, if dh did that, I'd be 'domineering' too - i.e. Ask him to tidy his shit up! Why does he only cook for himself??

Do you think you're domineering? Sounds like you're just standing up for yourself...

Joysmum · 01/01/2016 22:52

Do you honestly think a polite request hasn't been given hundreds of times to get to this stage Prime Hmm

PrimeDirective · 01/01/2016 23:05

Just because it's more likely to get done and it leads to a happier household.
Annoying habits don't tend to improve when you shout or nag at someone.
Does he actually expect her to clean up after him? I suspect it's just that he cooks and eats, then doesn't prioritise clearing up straight after. She either does it or nags him - neither of which encourages him to do it.
Should he do it spontaneously? Maybe, but he doesn't, so a bit of politeness doesn't go a miss.
And personally I always use please and thank you - even if the task is an expected one. I prefer people to do that for me so I do it for other people.

Duckdeamon · 01/01/2016 23:11

That's not domineering behaviour. It could be hostile/angry, but understandably so if he's a slacker about domestics.

He's labelling you domineering to try to get you to STFU.

Offred · 01/01/2016 23:12

Depends what you think is more important getting a job done by parenting an adult or not lowering yourself to having to parent an adult.

goddessofsmallthings · 01/01/2016 23:26

"A bit of politeness" most certainly doesn't go amiss, Prime, and it would be polite of the OP's dh to clear up his own mess without having to be asked or reminded to do so.

PrimeDirective · 01/01/2016 23:52

Yes it would be nice if he did, but if you want more from him, the way to get it is not being quite so hostile.

Where's the relationship heading when there's a lack of co-operation and basic courtesy?

LosingTheWillToSkate · 02/01/2016 00:31

If my DH shouted that up the stairs to me I'd be very annoyed actually.

If I cook then they're my dishes to wash in my time, I don't need to suit someone else as it doesn't affect them!

I'd never speak to my DH like that, as actually, I'm not his mother and I wouldn't want him to perceive me in that way.