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Original poster

Sexless marriage - female perspective needed please

53 replies

nm17 · 01/01/2016 14:05

I’m hoping to get a female perspective on an issue that is causing me real anguish.
I’m mid 40s and my wide is late 40s. We’ve been together for 15 years and married for 10. We have no children by this of from previous relationships.
My wife has a medical condition that she was very open about when we first met. It’s very rare (less than 100 people in the country have this) so I’d rather not say what it is as I might out myself.
About a month after we first met we started having sex. After about 4 months she told me her medication has changed, this has caused her problems with hormones and periods and as a result she would be temporarily unable to have sex. I fully accepted this and carried on building a relationship without sex.
I sort of lost track of time and another 12 months passed before I became a bit concerned about getting our sex life back on track. I had a growing feeling that when she said “temporary” she hadn’t really been truthful and I was left with a difficult decision; do I leave her or do I say and live a sexless life. I loved her, after much thought, decided to say with her in a sexless relationship - now marriage.
This has been very difficult for me I have struggled with celibacy on a daily basis but I made my choice freely and have stuck to it for 14 years.
My wife has recently told me that actually she was only unable to have sex for a few months; from that point on she was able to have sex but she just preferred not to. She has given me no reason or this just that she is not a very sexual person. I have found this news VERY, VERY difficult to cope with. When I made my choice 13 years ago my decision was based on her being UNABLE to have sex with me, being UNWILLING to have sex with me is a very different situation.
I feel that if I had known the truth years ago I would have wished her good luck and moved on. My wife doesn’t see any difference between being unable to have sex and being unwilling to have sex as the outcome for me is the same.
I have spoken to a few close male friends about this. Their view of my wife was pretty poor. I would really appreciate a female perspective on my situation.
If you feel you can share any thoughts with me I be very grateful as to honest right now I have no idea what to think.
Thanks

OP posts:
Themodernuriahheep · 01/01/2016 17:10

You are completely justified.

Think hard. Would she be willing to go to sexual counselling, to reorder her thinking if she can, to make you happy ?

If not, personally I'd run for the hills. And that's said from a female perspective with some distressingly equivalent experience.

NoMore314 · 01/01/2016 17:15

Flipping heck. Wow, unable is bad enough, but to discover that it was unwilling, I'm not surprised you're reeling.

You don't have to stay. I wouldn't.

NoMore314 · 01/01/2016 17:21

Sexual counselling????????? For god's sake. Life is short. Just get out there OP.

Not every break up has to be a hideous bun fight.

Also, one 'good' thing about no sex for 13 years is that I imagine the emotions of splitting up aren't as personal and emotional.

Lexigrey · 01/01/2016 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenaDove · 01/01/2016 17:30

I agree with Mini the Minx.

And sexual counselling wont do any good if she is asexual because asexuality is a sexuality like any other.

Counselling would not be being suggested if she was gay for instance.

NoMore314 · 01/01/2016 17:32

Maybe she hasn't lied about anything else but she was comfortable with OP's distress! Did she seem tortured over the years by it? agonised with guilt over her lie? Or was she just normal, her 'need' was not to be bothered for sex.

Did she ever encourage you to try and meet a friend so to speak. Not that that's a great idea imo. Just an extra complication really.

MiniTheMinx · 01/01/2016 17:50

Counselling, what for? what would it achieve? does she want sex? no.

Why should she "reorder" her thinking? if she had wanted to do that she could have done that, instead she lied. And what right does anyone have to suggest that one should reorder their thinking to meet the needs of someone else? No, no right. Just as she had no right to lie and deny you your needs OP.

I'm not keen on telling people what to do, its up to you. But this one lie is not a little thing, it has completely defined your entire relationship. The foundations of the relationship were established by this deceit.

N3wYear2016 · 01/01/2016 18:54

Only you have to decide if this is a deal breaker or not

Stay with your wife who is affectionate, but no sex and who I assume you love

Have a clean break and find someone more compatible

In that case,
I would suggest that ideally you need someone who is affectionate & sexual that you can fall in love with

LidikaLikes · 01/01/2016 20:37

I also find the idea that her attitude is borne from her mother's experience of sex to be a moot point.

Is she an autonomous woman in other regards? Does she have physical or mental illnesses which might genuinely stop her from seeing sex as an option for her?

You have my sympathy, OP. The shock you've had is terrible.

Original poster
nm17 · 01/01/2016 20:41

I would like to thank all of you who took the time to read and respond to my post. I’ve read them all in detail and have taken much from your words.
I think it’s fair to say a general consensus has emerged which is closely aligned to what I was already thinking. It has been very useful to me to get the opinion of women just to make sure that I was trying to see the situation from all angles.
I’m not sure what I’ll do now. I struggled massively with celibacy when I believed it to be for a good reason this leads me to believe I won’t be able deal with it knowing what I now know.
I won’t be returning to this thread as I feel I have the perspective I sought and I have found reading this painful, necessary, but painful.

OP posts:
Themodernuriahheep · 01/01/2016 20:44

Well, good luck and good wishes.

aprilanne · 01/01/2016 20:46

to be honest i would probably leave and find a loving partner .not just sex but someone who respects your feelings .and this is from someone who has not had sex with her husband for quite a few years .the difference is i know my hubby is very ill .he is a good man otherwise. sex is not everything but love and respect are and you dont seem to getting any of those

Piratespoo · 01/01/2016 20:46

I would want to find out from her is she happy with the status quo. Does she accept that she lied and is she sorry? Did she lie because she knew if she told you the truth she thought you would move on and she didn't want you to? Not that that reason is acceptable but at least you might know what her thought process was. Did her lie run away with her? Does she feel terrible about it? You don't say how she says she feels about it.

Anyway, I suppose you need to decide what you want to do about it. It is possible to have sexual pleasure without penetration for her, but she seems unwilling to satisfy you, is that right? If that is the case, it seems she is happy with how it is and doesn't want anything to change. That seems very selfish. If she wanted you to be satisfied sexually, she could have made sure you were. She hasn't. That says a lot, I think.

EponasWildDaughter · 01/01/2016 20:51

12 months passed ... I had a growing feeling that when she said “temporary” she hadn’t really been truthful and I was left with a difficult decision; do I leave her or do I stay and live a sexless life ... after much thought, decided to stay

This has been very difficult for me I have struggled with celibacy on a daily basis but I made my choice freely and have stuck to it for 14 years. My wife has recently told me that actually ... she was able to have sex but she just preferred not to.

Hang on - just to clarify: at the 12 month point you mentioned, when you suspected she was lying, did you voice that suspicion to her? Did you ask/talk to her about this, ever? Has she actually actively lied for these 13 years, or did you just assume? Did she just assume you were happy?

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 01/01/2016 22:40

Fucking hell, I almost spat out my wine at this thread!

Op, you are the same age as me. I am female. Your wife is, I think, A sexual (someone who just isn't interested).

Many women in their 40's hit their prime sexually, myself included.

I want it every day.

Can you live a sexless life?

I would urge you to leave and find a sexual woman.

I couldn't live without sex.

And you shouldn't.

It's a basic human need!!

BatteryOperatedBoyfriend · 01/01/2016 23:02

I don't think you can change her to want sex ( I have tried to change my husband). But you need to think whether you can stay in the sexless marriage and work through the dishonesty.

Believe me, there is nothing worse than having sex with someone who is only doing it because they feel they have to.

Offred · 01/01/2016 23:19

I would leave her.

There is a massive difference between saying you have a temporary problem and are unable to have sex and not wanting to have sex.

It is a massive lie.

Offred · 01/01/2016 23:21

And yes, this is not a sex issue at all.

She is entirely within her rights to say she is not interested in sexual activity at all. What she is not entitled to do is lie to you for virtually the entire relationship.

Hissy · 02/01/2016 08:18

I'd leave too.

The deception here is no different to an affair.

AICM · 02/01/2016 10:19

Leave.

If you can't then have an affair.

Your DW has taken the position that your sexual fulfilment is nothing to do with her. She can hardly complain if you take the position that your sexual fulfilment is nothing to do with her.

I'm VERY much against people having affairs but in this case it's so unusual and awful that I really feel nobody can blame you.

Bluetrews25 · 02/01/2016 14:54

How hurtful for you.
Best thing would be to leave, then you can have an open, honest, loving relationship with someone else.
Just having an affair and looking for an available and willing 'other woman' is not really.......pleasant......is it?

Lexigrey · 02/01/2016 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineyReborn · 02/01/2016 16:46

Oh God don't have an affair.

Honesty is what's needed here. Not more bloody lies and secrets.

WankingInTheWinterWonderland · 02/01/2016 17:35

I would leave. Don't have an affair.

Hissy · 02/01/2016 17:51

Having an affair out of spite would be so destructive of the op.

I would end it, absolutely. It's a monumental betrayal of the entire marriage/relationship.