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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is anyone awake? I need to talk while I'm stuck

81 replies

Stuck1234 · 01/01/2016 04:44

Name change check

OP posts:

Original poster

Stuck1234 · 01/01/2016 05:48

I'm safe. Lodger is back and my mates here too

OP posts:

PitPatKitKat · 01/01/2016 05:50

Hope your mate has arrived, stay safe

MumCodes · 01/01/2016 05:54

Even if you decide he was not being violent towards you, only his phone (though I think your initial instincts were correct) he still behaved badly tonight. Constant negativity is not something you need in your life, especially when you asked him to stop.

HPsauciness · 01/01/2016 05:57

Please don't blame yourself, but your OH did assault you twice, once the first time when he pushed you (what if you fell and hit your head) and once when he hit you with the phone (even if an accident, if he hadn't grabbed it, mangled it and thrown it, it wouldn't have hit you, would it?)

Please get out of this relationship, he is showing a pattern of violent behaviour that has made you so scared you posted on here and had to stay awake all night. This is not normal, and just 'how it is', it's really awful.

Post on relationships or elsewhere if you need some support, I think you need to heed the warning though this time, it wasn't a one-off (and even if it was, I wouldn't be with someone who aggressively pushed me ever).

Lynnm63 · 01/01/2016 06:00

Glad you're ok. Im off to bed now, I stayed up to make sure you were sorted. We will all be here if you need us later.

cosypenguins · 01/01/2016 06:05

You take care.
Be clever. Even if he only does this when he is drunk, he is the one who decides when he gets drunk. Not you. He is responsible for his behaviour(including getting drunk) and you are responsible for your behaviour. Do not confuse the two. You are not responsible for his behaviour, either his getting drunk, or his reaction to alcohol. If you want to live with such uncertainty, know the chances you are taking. Bur remember, you the odds. Do the right thing.

cosypenguins · 01/01/2016 06:18

I meant 'you know the odds. Do the right thing'.

If you want to be in control of your own life, this cannot go on.
If you are agreeing to being a victim with an uncertain outcome, forgive him again and stay with him. But I will say to you, you will do yourself no favours if you think that you will be seen as an innocent and powerless victim in the future. And why would you want to live your life in this way at the mercy of someone else's reactions that you have no control over. You will live with uncertainty every minute of every day, even if the worst never happens.

ToastedOrFresh · 01/01/2016 06:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

gamerchick · 01/01/2016 07:00

bluff called with what?

I'm rolling my eyes at don't see yourself as a victim and as a victim you have responsibilities.. Not everyone wants to ring the police, especially on a massively busy night. All this fucker needs is his arse dumped.

Atenco · 01/01/2016 07:01

You are not responsable for him being arsing with the waiters and that in itself would be a good reason to distance yourself from him. As for you being responsable for his violence, my adult dd drives me up the wall at times but I have never attacked her or thrown anything at her. This is the second time he has been violent, you cannot allow this to continue.

Take good care of yourself

GraceKellysLeftArm · 01/01/2016 07:15

So glad you're safe and hopefully sound At home now.

You are not pathetic and this isn't out one night of drinking or a phone. You said he's been a right knob all Xmas causing rows and being antagonistic.

Christmas shoes is all for what we are.

GraceKellysLeftArm · 01/01/2016 07:17

Ps I am not pissed. My phone is daft and I have fat fingers.

mathanxiety · 01/01/2016 07:19

You are not overreacting and you are not just being pathetic.

Please reconsider the relationship with this man. It will end in tears, lots of them, and regrets, and your DS will suffer a lot if he is exposed to him.

You owe it to your son not to let someone this angry and mean into his life.

Yo do not owe this man anything.

Original poster

Stuck1234 · 01/01/2016 07:38

Bluff? Seriously? I'm in bits. If you think I'm a troll report me so MNHQ can see who I am pre name change. I post a lot. Lodger turned up by chance. Mate turned up shortly after. They've both only just left mine now after taking me back because of what a state I was in.

I have left him. I left him before all this happened which is why it did. Thank you to everyone who helped me before. It was really really helpful as you all had suggestions I hadn't thought of.

I forgot to cancel the taxi and feel shit about that now too. He probably wastes a fair.

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MistressDeeCee · 01/01/2016 07:55

Bastard. I hope you never go back to him OP, honest to God. He's aggressive, obnoxious and publicly humiliates you too (restaurant scene). I wish one of the waiters had told him to shut his trap, how rude and nasty of him to talk about them. I couldn't be around a pain in the arse like that. You deserve far better. There are decent men out there but your man there certainly isn't one of them. I hope he's not anywhere near your DC the man has low standards to say the very least.

PitPatKitKat · 01/01/2016 07:57

Don't worry about the taxi, and i think he vast majority of people were as mystified as you by the bluff comment.

Glad you're safe and take care

WitchWay · 01/01/2016 08:00

So the lodger helped take you home too? That was nice of him. Glad you're home safely.

jellyjiggles · 01/01/2016 08:05

Pleased your safe op. Happy new year X

angelicjen · 01/01/2016 08:20

You deserve much better than this.
I imagine he'll sober up and try to apologise later. Remember how you felt and don't let him guilt trip you. You did nothing wrong. A relationship should not be like this. Give yourself the chance to find one that is healthy and respectful. Take care.

RiceCrispieTreats · 01/01/2016 08:20

You didn't cause this.

Him breaking and throwing his phone was a physical display of violence that was designed to intimidate you. Nasty and controlling men do that to try and get their victims back into line, using fear as a manipulation tactic.

Listing your faults, pushing you,... these are further signs that he is abusive.

Abusive men don't like to be left, so I suggest you block and delete him from all forms of communication when you wake up this morning.

HortonWho · 01/01/2016 08:31

I'm not an expert nor do I have personal experience, but my common sense tells me that very few men begin by slapping your face dramatically, like old movies. I've seen one instance where a boyfriend:
1/ started throwing thing off table/surfaces
2/ started throwing things across room in opposite direction.
I warned him to stop because it scared me, he retorted with it was nowhere near you. I said "yet"
3/ once threw something soft (that couldn't possibly hurt me, like a napkin) in my direction

I walked out then and there. I think if I didn't, next time it would have been a phone, then it would have escalated even more. He wasn't losing his temper, he was testing my boundaries.

Original poster

Stuck1234 · 01/01/2016 08:31

Yeah he did and we all had a chat. He's a good mate the lodger, when I haven't got DS I waited for ex to come home from work a few times at his and used to have a drink with lodger while we waited and we all used to have a laugh.

I'm gutted it's over but I know it has to be. I can't have him like that ever again

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RiceCrispieTreats · 01/01/2016 08:37

Good for you. I stayed for years after shoving and throwing incidents, lists of my faults too, and it escalated and escalated, to death threats, which is what finally made me leave.

You are very wise to know in your gut that you can't have this anymore. Hold on to that thought, and do cut all your modes of contact with him (mobile phone, social media, ...). He's going to try to reel you back in.

Bluetrews25 · 01/01/2016 08:47

None of this was your fault in any way.
Please stay away
Please don't let him back, no matter what he promises, or how he swears it will never happen again.
New year, new start.

Original poster

Stuck1234 · 01/01/2016 10:24

Thanks everyone who helped. It really did help last night, I was in a bit of a state. I'm not brave, I've just been in an abusibe relationship before pre DS and I know exactly how it'll play out if I leave it. Not managed any sleep but I'll get some tonight I'm sure.

The person who thought I was a troll or something is welcome to report. I've been getting apology FB messages already, I won't be getting calls or texts for the foreseeable because he's broke his phone so he's shot himself in the foot there.

Anyway I'm going to name change back now. I'm sorry for those who stayed up on their new year.

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