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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What the heck is going on?

36 replies

IrrationallyJealous · 31/12/2015 11:13

I feel like I'm losing my marbles.

I've been with DH for 15 years. Never had any trust issues at all. He often travels with work, goes out for meals with female colleagues etc. No bother whatsoever.

He doesn't really have friends of his own, he's quite a solitary person and has ASD (although not formally diagnosed). I have one female friend I've known since childhood who he gets on great with. They're both quite physical, I'm not, so often drag each other off to go absailing, rock climbing, skiing etc. Again no bother whatsoever.

A few month ago I made a new friend at work. We get on really well and often meet up on days off to do stuff together. She's from abroad and doesn't really know anyone yet so I invited her to ours for Christmas. We always take in the strays for Christmas (absailing friend has been eating our turkey for 20 years).

Now to the point. When she arrived I introduced her to DH and straight away my hackles were up. I have never experienced anything like it before in my life. I wanted her gone. Everything in me was suddenly screaming 'DANGER! DANGER!'. I carried on being as normal as I could, all the while watching them like a hawk. My friend did absolutely nothing wrong. My DH did absolutely nothing wrong. But I can't shake this irrational alarm that's going off in my head.

We're all supposed to be meeting up tonight but I'm on the verge of cancelling. I feel driven like never before to keep this woman away from my husband and I have no idea why. I really don't like how I'm feeling.

WTF is wrong with me?

OP posts:
Lweji · 31/12/2015 11:16

You may have noticed some chemistry between them. It doesn't mean that anything will ever happen, but maybe it's a good idea to not be over friendly.
See how it goes tonight and if you still feel the same.

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 31/12/2015 11:16

There has to be something that got your hackles up. A look? You wouldn't feel like this for no reason!

Original poster
IrrationallyJealous · 31/12/2015 11:26

Logically I don't think anything would ever happen. As I said DH has ASD so is quite obsessive over honesty and following the rules. He wouldn't be able to lie if his life depended on it.

I think I'm more worried about what's happening with me. I feel like I'm seeing a really dark side of myself which I didn't know existed and it scares me.

OP posts:
Epilepsyhelp · 31/12/2015 11:30

I don't think that's a dark side! It's just your subconscious I'd say. It sounds like your DH is a good trustworthy man so you have nothing to worry about, but you will probably be a lot more comfortable if you socialise with her separately from your DH in future.

Lweji · 31/12/2015 11:33

It's often said here to trust your instincts.
It looks like it's what's kicking in, particularly as you've never felt this way before.
You say he wouldn't lie, but they could still become quite intimate and he could end up falling in love with her. You don't know her and if she'd maintain boundaries or would be happy to trample on you.
I'd keep a healthy distance just in case.

CakeMountain · 31/12/2015 11:34

I've had this suspicion twice (my DH is lovely, and I hope wouldn't cheat) and both times I was right. Look after your marriage. Why is she here? How come she didn't travel to friends for Christmas? All sounds a bit off. Be glad your instincts are OK.

Original poster
IrrationallyJealous · 31/12/2015 12:31

She came here in April to live with her boyfriend. They split up in October because she realised he doesn't want the same as her (ie kids, mid 30s, clock ticking away). She didn't go home for Christmas because she's on a temp/zero hours type contract so wanted to do as much holiday cover as she could while it was available.

OP posts:
Friendlystories · 31/12/2015 13:04

Sounds to me like it's something about her reaction to DH that made your hackles rise, I would trust my instincts in this situation and avoid throwing them together. That's not to say you shouldn't trust DH but, if there is something off or predatory in her response to him why take the risk that she could cause trouble in your relationship? Some women do just ring alarm bells and it does sort of sound like she wants what you have, that's not to say DH would let his head be turned but why spend time with someone who makes you feel worried? Trust your gut and steer clear, you have no obligation to invite this woman into your personal life so don't.

Original poster
IrrationallyJealous · 31/12/2015 15:03

I was sort of expecting a roasting from you all for being insecure/controlling/bonkers etc. It's a huge relief to know I'm ok. We're staying home tonight now. Just us, adult DD and BF, toddler DS and absailing friend. I think everyone's a bit relieved at being able to veg out and gorge on jellytots and roses.

OP posts:
TooSassy · 31/12/2015 15:58

Good call OP.

Always trust your instincts. Keep them apart. They didn't exchange contact details / become FB friends did they?

Friendlystories · 31/12/2015 16:26

Sounds lovely OP, don't blame you one bit. Much as MN is a place where women support each other I think most of us recognise there are women as well as men out there we need to protect ourselves and our relationships from. For this woman to provoke such strong feelings in you I think there's probably something real behind your instinct, that's reason enough to stay away in my book. Enjoy your night, I'm sure it will be much nicer than having to have your guard up around this woman Flowers

CakeMountain · 31/12/2015 17:04

That's a bit careless isn't it - moving abroad to be with someone without having had the children conversation. Good call OP - have a nice night.

Original poster
IrrationallyJealous · 02/02/2016 12:00

This has now crossed over into the realms of 'batshit' and I'm out of my depth. I didn't mention before but I have ASD too so complex social situations melt my brain.

I decided to keep my distance by being friendly but keeping it within work. So go for coffee at break but no invites round to mine. I now work in a different section so have much less contact anyway. All good.

Then I was off sick. I ignored a few texts while off. When I go back she's all excited and pleased to see me. She tells me she's been trying to get hold of me because she's found a dog she wants but she can't agree to take until until she'd spoken to me. She needed to check that non of my family had allergies before she got it as it's not fair on us to bring a dog round if it makes us ill. WTF? If it were my sister I could understand this thinking but this woman has been to my house twice. Is this massively crossing boundaries?

If that weren't weird enough DH is currently on secondment to my place of work on a Friday. I wasn't worried as she only worked mon-weds. Except DH came home on Friday and said he'd seen her. Turns out she's changed her days and now works on Fridays. At this point I freaked out completely and told DH everything I've put in this thread. He was horrified and terrified in equal measure. I know now from his reaction that my instinctive response to them meeting wasn't triggered by him in any way. He wants no contact now because he doesn't want to have to deal with it.

So I can relax a bit.

Except I go in to work today and am told she's working from home because she has the new dog and it needs to settle as it wrecked the place when left on Friday. Oh and the dog is called IrrationallyJealous. Yep really, the dog has my name, which isn't particularly common and I've never heard it used as an animals name before.

Meanwhile I'm still getting friendly messages and she's being so lovely and everyone thinks she's great, and even I find myself still being friendly.

WTF do I do?

OP posts:
Towardsthesun · 02/02/2016 12:04

What! I mean re the dog's name. Surely that's impossible.

Towardsthesun · 02/02/2016 12:05

Do you mean your actual name?

Original poster
IrrationallyJealous · 02/02/2016 12:07

Yes, my real life actual name.

OP posts:
ElBandito · 02/02/2016 12:07

This is odd. I think I'd actually be a bit insulted if someone named a dog after me (but I'm not a dog lover). Keep her at arms length and, unless you've told her otherwise, conveniently discover DS DOES have allergies.

Original poster
IrrationallyJealous · 02/02/2016 12:12

I am a dog lover and I think it's insulting too.

OP posts:
mix56 · 02/02/2016 12:13

weird..... back off !

Resilience16 · 02/02/2016 12:23

Go watch the film Single White Female...
Sorry I was being flippant. Looking at it from a different point if view- you said previously she was on zero hours contract, so the change of working hours could be more more sinister than those were the ones she was offered.
The questions about the dog and allergies may have been because she was hoping that as a friend you might be able to mind it/dog sit some time.
You already mentioned how you invite waifs and strays in to your home, so as someone on their own in another country she maybe hoped to be invited into the bosom of your fambo.
Naming her dog after you is a bit odd tho.But some people are just a bit odd. Doesn't necessarily make them bad people.
However if you don't want to be friends with her, then don't be. Just be polite and professional in work and leave it at that. It only becomes a drama if you make it one. Simples. x

Resilience16 · 02/02/2016 12:23

Meant to say nothing more sinister, sorry

peggyundercrackers · 02/02/2016 12:35

I think you've massively overthought the whole thing and over-reacted given absolutely nothing has happened and the two people you are worried about don't know each other at all. your DH sounds like he wouldn't ever do anything with anyone else so I think your fears are unfounded.

Helmetbymidnight · 02/02/2016 12:38

She is a crazy lady.

Now is your chance to invent a severe allergy to dog.

TheNaze73 · 02/02/2016 15:44

She sounds like a wrong un. Keep your guard up with her

HopefulHamster · 02/02/2016 15:51

hmmm I can't decide whether you've over thought or your instincts might be right!

Your husband sounds trustworthy, but the woman must have some sort of edge to her. Could just be friendliness but even then it's surely with a touch of desperation?

I'd be coolly friendly but not go overboard and see how it goes.