What the heck is going on?

[IrrationallyJealous]

I feel like I'm losing my marbles.

I've been with DH for 15 years. Never had any trust issues at all. He often travels with work, goes out for meals with female colleagues etc. No bother whatsoever.

He doesn't really have friends of his own, he's quite a solitary person and has ASD (although not formally diagnosed). I have one female friend I've known since childhood who he gets on great with. They're both quite physical, I'm not, so often drag each other off to go absailing, rock climbing, skiing etc. Again no bother whatsoever.

A few month ago I made a new friend at work. We get on really well and often meet up on days off to do stuff together. She's from abroad and doesn't really know anyone yet so I invited her to ours for Christmas. We always take in the strays for Christmas (absailing friend has been eating our turkey for 20 years).

Now to the point. When she arrived I introduced her to DH and straight away my hackles were up. I have never experienced anything like it before in my life. I wanted her gone. Everything in me was suddenly screaming 'DANGER! DANGER!'. I carried on being as normal as I could, all the while watching them like a hawk. My friend did absolutely nothing wrong. My DH did absolutely nothing wrong. But I can't shake this irrational alarm that's going off in my head.

We're all supposed to be meeting up tonight but I'm on the verge of cancelling. I feel driven like never before to keep this woman away from my husband and I have no idea why. I really don't like how I'm feeling.

WTF is wrong with me?

your instincts clearly focus on this woman so I think you can rest easy re your DH. But you've sorted that anyway.

She sounds seriously, seriously odd. I agree with everyone else. Either you or your DH DEFINITELY has a bad allergy that only came to light when she got her dog.....

There are several boundaries being broken here and it's not healthy and you're not over-thinking this.

1. Waiting to make a decision about whether she gets a dog in case YOU are allergic, because she's assuming she's going to be bringing it round regularly? NOPE. Totally whack.

1. Giving the dog your name. NOPE. That is flat out disrespectful. I mean if your name was a really common name or even a dog-like name (if you know what I mean! Like "Dixie" or something) then that would be one thing. But this is just flat out weird.

1. Changing her days. This COULD be a coincidence, seeing as she's 0-hour contract. However coupled with 1 and 2 above, I'd see this as her planning:

"I want to steal IJ's boyfriend. I want a dog. Hmm, I better check if he's allergic. I'll just ask IJ if anyone in her house is, and make out I'm going to bring it round all the time instead of leaving it at home like a normal person. Now, how can I subtly make a power play that establishes me as the dominant female and IJ as the subordinate? Oh I know!..."

Single White Female indeed comes to mind here. These are not the actions of a person with healthy relationships.

Are you sure she's only been to your home twice?

OP, trust, trust, trust, trust, TRUST your intuition. It's primordial, wise beyond measure, and I think you're finally seeing what it was it was telling you when you first introduced her to your DH, but back then there was no proof - just what your intuition was communicating to you.

It'll also tell you how to deal with this if you listen carefully enough.

Yep. Feels like Single White Female to me too. And she will not be worth reasoning with either: hers are not the actions of someone who can be reasoned with, whether because she's plotting or because she is being driven by impulses that she probably isn't entirely aware of.

I'm a big believer in 'instinct' but I wonder here if this woman raises your hackles because there is something about her that you feel is perhaps missing in you?

You said that your husband did nothing wrong and that she did NOTHING wrong as well.

You've fixed it so that your husband is aware of what was on your mind and you've backed off from this friendship.

I don't know this woman and nobody else does but I think that Resilience is probably right about the waifs and strays... this woman is away from home, has split up from her boyfriend and seems to have very little going on in her life, so she 'latched on' to you because your home is free and easy and comfortable and maybe a nice place for a loner to be.

You say that you and your husband have ASD... maybe she does too? Maybe that is the connection, or one of them? Naming of the dog is a bit odd but she's going to love that dog, don't forget... so perhaps not the insult that you perceive it to be. This woman, to me, sounds over-eager and too earnest in her desire to be part of your life. That's her 'crime' really, she's over stepping and ignoring social cues.

There's no earthly reason why you should be friends with this woman if you don't want to be; your home should be your sanctuary but I don't like seeing a woman that you've stated did 'nothing wrong', being described as a 'wrong 'un', I think that's unfair.

Be distant if your hackles are up that much, you might as well because any 'friendship' would be false and nobody deserves that.

Well, she left boyfriend because they wanted different things, which is sensible.

However, she moved countries to be with a man without even finding out if they wanted the same things in life, which is absolutely crazy....

your subconscious is trying to tell you something. only you can figure out what, but don't disregard it.

I know what you mean about the involuntary there is something wrong here reaction. I think it is as a result of you subconsciously noticing things. When it happened to me it was with a long term friend that spent a lot of time with me some of it at my and my partners home. (Ex now obv)

From out of nowhere I got the WARNING WARNING. Couldn't work out why. Was going out of my mind. Watched them like a hawk. Still couldn't put my finger on it. So I engineered a situation where I was going to be "out". Caught them red handed.

Ditch her. If you are sure of your boyfriend, ditch her. You deserve peace of mind you don't need any other reason than that. She is disruptive to your peace of mind so she has to go.

I think you're all right, that's why my head is spinning.

On the one hand you're right, instinct is there for a reason and I need to listen too it.

On the other hand, she's probably just trying too hard because she's lonely and I'm very open and welcoming.

On the other, other hand I probably am a bit jealous. She seems so naturally friendly and everyone seems to really like her, something I've never experienced myself. I'm always on the fringes, tolerated but not fully included.

On the other, other, other hand I am extremely isolated because of my AS. My job is a supported position for only 1.5 hours a day arranged by my social worker to get me out. I have nobody in my life other than DH, DS, 1 old friend who lives abroad and now this lady. That's it. Nobody else is interested in spending time with me. Which all goes to show I don't have the foggiest when it comes to building and maintaining normal healthy relationships. Even my own mum is a stranger to me. Situations like this are why I never left the house.

Trust your instincts. A women's intuition is hardly ever wrong.
Cancel tonight and spend time alone with your husband instead

He's yours, don't let someone else try and steal him

You only have to friends with her in the way that you want. If you want to keep doing things with her only the two of you outside work, then do that.
You dont have to invite her to your house again if it makes you uncomfortable, and your DH has already agreed to stay away from her as much as possible, ask him again if that makes you more certain that he knows how important this is to you.