LTB...what now?

[ManicPixieDream]

I don't really know why I'm posting this, it makes it more real I suppose.

Yesterday my H started drinking in the morning and didn't eat anything. He gradually got more abusive verbally and then physically. My eldest DS grabbed a knife to protect me. My youngest DS pushed him and told him not to push Mummy. He accused me of sleeping around, all kinds of vile things.

I walked out with the kids last night to stay with a relative. I put the youngest to bed and then went back to grab some clothes and things. He got really angry and grabbed by the throat and threw me around while chanting "fucking slag" at me.

This morning he is really sorry, he's never drinking again etc.

My eldest wants me to give him another chance. I feel like I've already damaged them as they've seen far too much.

He's packed some stuff and is at his relative 's for now.

I've emailed the local refuge to ask about enrolling on the freedom programme.

What happens now? What do I do? I'm so numb. There's no going back from this is there? It's happened before. I spent most of last night reading quotes from "why does he do that?" - can't afford to buy it just yet but I will.

He's generally only this bad when drunk, it's like he's possessed. He says that's it and he'll never touch another drop. I want to believe him. It can never work now though can it?

Am interested to hear from anyone who has been through similar. How do I protect my boys?

Wondering what that was about with carded. Hope you don't mind me updating.

Having a really strange night tonight. Am alone as youngest is in bed. Doesn't feel like NYE at all. It should have been an anniversary, he proposed 16 years ago.

I saw him earlier. We talked. We cried. He still knows it's over. He said he was sorry for what happened. I know he's truly sorry but it's still not enough. He's been sorry before. It's hard as I do still care about him. I don't love him, I feel sorry for him. That's not a marriage. It would have been easy to just take him back but I didn't and he's clear that's not happening any time soon. I said at least a year of sustained change and even then I can't promise. My eldest is with him tonight as I'll probably be in bed by midnight and he really wanted to stay up. My eldest is relieved we aren't getting back together but feels guilty for thinking that way. That's helping me stay strong. He told his Dad all the awful things he said about me as he couldn't remember half of it. I don't know how to feel. I'm alone but I want to be.

Sorry for the ramble. No one else needs to listen to my brain dumping on NYE.

Here's to 2016

Manic, your reasoning and your clear-thinking are incredible! However sad you feel right now, you're thinking of the bigger picture.

Do something nice for yourself - bath; wine; film, etc - and have an early night and get ready for 2016, the year you get FABULOUS in!

I'm trying to stay calm and strong. The truth is I've been fantasising about not being together for such a long time but now it's actually happening I keep bursting into tears. I'm not really strong.

Social services phoned earlier, they've referred us for some help. Going to take whatever is offered. Think my eldest needs that. I read a thread earlier about how it can damage kids by expecting too much of them after a break up. I'm trying to look at everything objectively for him. I really need this to not mess either of them up more that it already has.

Thanks for the reply.

It has been so rapid, a change from couple to single in a day... it's not surprising you are in bits........ it will take some time to get accustomed...
KOKO