Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

LTB...what now?

54 replies

ManicPixieDream · 29/12/2015 12:52

I don't really know why I'm posting this, it makes it more real I suppose.

Yesterday my H started drinking in the morning and didn't eat anything. He gradually got more abusive verbally and then physically. My eldest DS grabbed a knife to protect me. My youngest DS pushed him and told him not to push Mummy. He accused me of sleeping around, all kinds of vile things.

I walked out with the kids last night to stay with a relative. I put the youngest to bed and then went back to grab some clothes and things. He got really angry and grabbed by the throat and threw me around while chanting "fucking slag" at me.

This morning he is really sorry, he's never drinking again etc.

My eldest wants me to give him another chance. I feel like I've already damaged them as they've seen far too much.

He's packed some stuff and is at his relative 's for now.

I've emailed the local refuge to ask about enrolling on the freedom programme.

What happens now? What do I do? I'm so numb. There's no going back from this is there? It's happened before. I spent most of last night reading quotes from "why does he do that?" - can't afford to buy it just yet but I will.

He's generally only this bad when drunk, it's like he's possessed. He says that's it and he'll never touch another drop. I want to believe him. It can never work now though can it?

Am interested to hear from anyone who has been through similar. How do I protect my boys?

OP posts:
Original poster
ManicPixieDream · 29/12/2015 19:25

Still waiting for the police. They said within the hour. They have phoned back to check I'm ok and told me to ring 999 if in danger. Eldest knows they are coming. He's worried about getting his Dad in trouble but realises we all need help.

He offered to sell his bike to pay for driving lessons for me. Bless him. That's not going to happen but he's thinking about our long term safety etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
ManicPixieDream · 29/12/2015 22:06

He's been arrested. I hope this is rock bottom for him and he gets the help he needs.

I'll work on getting us the help we need. Thank you for your support. I very nearly didn't go through with it.

Am terrified about what happens now but it seems like the wheels of change are in motion whether I like it or not so I'll have to go with it.

Thank you for your comments.

OP posts:
Whisperingeye1 · 29/12/2015 23:21

Stay strong. It is a terrible situation and you are doing the right thing for all of you. If you are unable to but yourself a copy of the book and feel like it would be helpful I would be happy to buy one for you. Flowers

Original poster
ManicPixieDream · 30/12/2015 03:19

Oh my goodness. How very kind, you don't even know me. I'm really touched. There is no need as I'll get it. I'm crying again now at how nice a complete stranger can be.

My boys and dog are all in bed with me asleep. Police have just left a message to say that he's still there, he's very sorry and knows he needs help. It's up to the CPS what happens now. He'll have it in writing that he cannot contact me. He can still see the kids via his Mum. Am trying to stay strong. I just need my kids to be safe. This has gone on for too long.

Thanks again whispering Flowers

OP posts:
PitPatKitKat · 30/12/2015 03:38

So glad to hear that you are safe and that the police took swift action. What a (clear headed and practical) sweetheart your son is, saying that about his bike.

Also nice to know you and dogs and DC are all cosy in bed. BrewCake

Original poster
ManicPixieDream · 30/12/2015 03:47

Thank you. Yes he really is a sweetheart. He's been amazing actually. I owe it to him to try and get us out of this mess. Still early days but so much as happened that I just can't go back. Usually I'd let him stew for a week, then I'd feel sorry for him and take him back. No more. Thanks again, it's really helped being able to get it out on here and have some support / encouragement. I can't chuffing sleep so it's nice to know people are around.

OP posts:
Friendlystories · 30/12/2015 04:04

Just read your thread OP, things to remember, none of this is your fault, you didn't put this in motion, he did and what he did is the cause of all the changes to come not your reaction to it. Lots of people in DV relationships get bogged down in feeling that reporting it and everything that follows for themselves, their DC and their abuser is what begins the process, it's not, the abuser starts it and is responsible for everything that happens from there. It's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking 'if I hadn't reported it everything could have gone back to normal and all the changes me and my DC are having to go through wouldn't be happening'. Not true, the violence will almost always continue and escalate and you will have to report it at some stage, the process you have to go through is inevitable and it's far better to go through it now than months or years down the line with god knows how much damage done to you and DC. You have done the right thing, the only thing to protect you and DC and no matter how many times you wobble and doubt yourself the fact will remain that this man is a danger to you and your children and you have to protect them and yourself. You've been amazingly strong so far, be proud of that and however scared you feel of the future and however much your DC resist the changes you know must happen keep hold of the fact that you're doing the right thing and protecting your babies. We're here if you need us and make sure you access whatever RL help you're offered, no one will try to tell you this is easy but it will be worth it to make sure you and DC are safe.

PitPatKitKat · 30/12/2015 04:18

TBH I'm not surprised you can't sleep given recent events- you've got all your loved ones snuggled round you, and you are keeping watch over them like a protective lionness! Just a natural response to being threatened like that and shows your instincts are working.

But please do make sure you don't run yourself ragged and that you do manage to look after yourself/sleep well/eat well/exercise.

Even if it means getting a friend/relative to come over sometime this week (or going to their's) if that's what it takes to help you drop off. it's just easier relaxing sometimes if someone else takes a spell at watch.

(And in the long-term, hyper vigilance can be a sign of PTSD, so bear in mind that some counselling/help for you and your DCs to get over being subject to violence could be helpful. But so soon after a violent event? Being watchful and wakeful is healthy. )

Flowers
Original poster
ManicPixieDream · 30/12/2015 04:33

Thank you so much. X

OP posts:
JennaRoss · 30/12/2015 04:33

Well done OP you've made the first step in creating a new life for you and your DCs and will be free of this abusive monster. ThanksThanksThanks

BastardGoDarkly · 30/12/2015 04:55

Bloody hell op, you poor thing.

You and your beautiful children will have a safe and happy life now, thanks to your bravery.

Your eldest sounds amazing Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 30/12/2015 09:28

Well done OP.
I wasn't sure you would report but I'm so glad you did.
Time for you and your kids now without the abuse.
Keep strong and keep going.
One day at time. Try not to think too far ahead right now.
Keep hydrated and keep your sugar levels up.
If you need help from your GP then don't be afraid to ask.
It will all become more real as the days go by so get all the RL support around you that you can.
You've done a very brave thing.

Original poster
ManicPixieDream · 30/12/2015 10:14

He's been charged with assault by beating according to his Mum. He's been released on bail and has to go back at the end of January. I've not slept. I'm at a bowling alley with youngest waiting to meet some friends from work. I'm going to tell them if I get chance. Thank you to everyone. I'm still not sure I've done the right thing but I don't have a choice.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/12/2015 10:21

I don't think YOU will ever be sure you've done the right thing.
But... imagine this was a stranger in the street who had done this to you or one of your children.
Would you have hesitated calling the police to this bad an assault?
Of course not. Your abusive H absolutely could not have got away with this any more. What he has been doing to you is just awful and he should pay the price for that. As any criminal should.
He IS a criminal. If he had done the same thing to someone he wasn't married to it would be the same or a worse outcome.
He deserves this and you absolutely did the right thing.

BastardGoDarkly · 30/12/2015 11:02

Yep, absolutely the right thing Flowers

PitPatKitKat · 30/12/2015 13:02

You've done the right thing Manic Flowers

Original poster
ManicPixieDream · 30/12/2015 15:06

Thank you. We've spoken about the kids and access etc. He knows the relationship is over. He's going to an AA meeting tomorrow for his own / kids sake. I hope we can successfully co parent like grown ups after this. The kids have been damaged enough. I'm on the list for 1:1 support from refuge as is eldest.

This absolutely had to happen the way it has for us to get the help we need. Thank you to everyone on here, you've helped me so much Flowers

I've told my trusted work friends who I met up with earlier so I've got RL support too.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 30/12/2015 15:25

You're a fucking Star op, how I wish every op on the threads I've read lately had your strength x

PitPatKitKat · 30/12/2015 15:31

Glad you have that help and support Flowers

mix56 · 31/12/2015 14:21

Take one day at a time. You have done the right thing for yourself & your lovely kids. Showing them that this is not acceptable behaviour is essential for their future lives. You will be OK. Safe. Do not listen to any negotiation from him in the foreseeable future

cardedlady · 31/12/2015 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

littleleftie · 31/12/2015 15:18

Sigh - reported.

SugarDiabetes · 31/12/2015 15:20

Littleleftie, why?

passmethewineplease · 31/12/2015 15:20

Fuck off card

Good on you OP.

littleleftie · 31/12/2015 15:32

sugar It was a very nasty goady comment by carded best not repeated.