DH doesn't fancy me anymore.

[Nightzone]

Been together 14 years, married for 8, one DD aged 6.

We have a happy marriage in general and get on well etc. we have no money worries or anything and life is generally good.

However in the last few years our sex life has dwindled to a point where it is now once every 3/4 months and always instigated by me. We have spoken about this and always end the conversation with a "must try harder" no blame is attached and I take equal responsibility but nothing ever changes.

We had the conversation again last night and he came out with this. It is very hurtful. He said he loves me but is not physically attracted to me any more. I have put on weight since DD was born and I think this puts him off. He isn't exactly the bloke I met 14 years ago either but clearly can't appreciate that people change.

Where do we go from here? Is there no return from this?

Has he in fact lost his libido? That is different from finding you unattractive. It would, of course, result in him not wanting to have sex with you, or anyone else.

I think this really needs to be explored. His weight gain may have resulted in a hormone imbalance, maybe he has an undiagnosed medical problem? So before chucking away a marriage which could be fixed I suggest you see his GP together and ask for advice.

It's crap that he has expressed himself in a way that makes it sound like you are at fault but he may be a poor communicator or a proud arse. Either way it needs to be explored. From what you have written, and I may be naive, it doesn't sound like another woman or excessive porn, rather a man who has lost the urge and doesn't know how to fix it.

wow. So you've gone up one dress size and he's put on four stone and lost all his hair?

I don't know what to say to that. If you still love him then you're going to try and flog a dead horse for a bit longer before you walk away....... but he sounds a bit delusional. I wonder if he's wondering 'what else is out there' but forgetting that he's overweight and bald. If he doesn't fancy you then I recommend that you get on with accepting that IMMEDIATELY and split up and I bet you will find somebody who does fancy you.

He might well have lost his libido but he'd have to have also lost his general respect for her to say he doesn't fancy her. There's a huge difference between acknowledging to your partner that your sex drive isn't as sharp as it used to be and making a massively hurtful and personal statement to his partner.

He made it personal and wanted it to be so by saying he wasn't physically attracted to her. If he cared he'd say 'my sex drive is very poor, I can see it frustrates you, I'm going to go to the dr' instead of making it about how she looks.

Maybe he doesn't just mean physically. Attraction has many levels and if you neglect to put the effort into a relationship sometimes it can dwindle.

Do you still have fun together, do you get time apart to miss eachother? Do you both make an effort to make eachother feel loved?

You deserve better.

This is not good enough for you. Never mind if he doesn't want to split. Given what he has said, what do you want for yourself?

Is there something you can do to work through this? Counselling for instance. Ending a,marriage when theres dc is a huge step.

I know I'm going against the grain here but I grew up with divorced parents and it it truly tough.

Maybe leaving is the right thing but only after you've tried it all.