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Original poster

DH doesn't fancy me anymore.

57 replies

Nightzone · 28/12/2015 10:18

Been together 14 years, married for 8, one DD aged 6.

We have a happy marriage in general and get on well etc. we have no money worries or anything and life is generally good.

However in the last few years our sex life has dwindled to a point where it is now once every 3/4 months and always instigated by me. We have spoken about this and always end the conversation with a "must try harder" no blame is attached and I take equal responsibility but nothing ever changes.

We had the conversation again last night and he came out with this. It is very hurtful. He said he loves me but is not physically attracted to me any more. I have put on weight since DD was born and I think this puts him off. He isn't exactly the bloke I met 14 years ago either but clearly can't appreciate that people change.

Where do we go from here? Is there no return from this?

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 28/12/2015 14:23

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that's it's ok if he doesn't fancy you anymore due to weight gain (although I understand he isn't stating that's the fact, that's more your thought).

I was with a man once who gained a lot of weight whilst together and I just no longer felt physically attracted to him, despite loving him. I wasn't getting sex elsewhere or interested in sex elsewhere, because I loved him. Just the thought of a much larger man huffing and puffing away on top of me didn't thrill me.

He said he doesn't want to leave so I'd take that from your mind.

I can't believe some posters are saying don't try to lose weight or be more attractive. If you can't better yourself for yourself and to impress the man you love, then that's sad to me. I love it when I've been working out and DP comments on how lovely my figure looks and he takes me in to a hug and admires every inch of my body with his hands. His opinion is the only one that matters to me.

The first person you do it for though, is you. You'll feel better, more confident in yourself if you're healthier. And if it doesn't mean that DH shows more of an interest, at least you'll love yourself a little bit more.

I hope none of what I've said upsets you OP, it's not written with malice. It's written from personal experience. Xx

DingbatsFur · 28/12/2015 14:30

I'm going to echo the post above. While I live and enjoy my OH very much he has put in a substantial amount of weight.
I don't want togo elsewhere for sex, I don't think he does either.
We just pootle along.
I don't need to be a sex goddess, so I'm fine with that.
You can maybe take baby steps to reclaim the passion in your marriage and get it back to what you want.

Original poster
Nightzone · 28/12/2015 14:46

Ok. I take your point but I have gone from a size 12 to a 14 in the space of 6 years. I exercise regualrly and eat healthily. We are not talking a jump so large that it would put anyone off.

On the flip side he has put on more than 4 stone since I met him and has lost all his hair. Not the good looking bloke he once was. Didn't matter to me because I loved the person.

It's time to bring it to an end I think. You are right, I don't have to stay close to him and his family. Time to make plans.

OP posts:
Northernnights · 28/12/2015 15:03

Think things through Nightzone, and make a good plan. I believe you can have a brilliant future, on your own or with someone who loves everything about you.

Perniciousness · 28/12/2015 15:24

I wonder if it's to do with looks at all. Finding someone attractive is something that's intrinsically bound up with your feelings towards the relationship as a whole. You find people attractive when you are in a happy warm relationship. Maybe your DH is just being really thick and not seeing the bigger picture and blaming 'your looks' . It's easier for him to do that than put effort into improving your marriage.

My DH and I are in our 50 and although we are okish weight wise we are definitely a whole lot less attractive than when we were teens. I've got wrinkles, age spots, grey hair and saggy bits Shock. We still find each other attractive because we love each other. I find him particularly attractive when he makes me laugh.

You might want to ditch him or, if you want to work on the relationship, then I'd suggest things like dates night, sharing hobbies or whatever. Maybe counselling? I don't think dieting would make any difference whatsoever.

BabyGanoush · 28/12/2015 15:26

I think it is rude, unhelpful and disrespectful to just tell a partner:" I don't fancy you at all, sorry but that is just the way it is"

I think if I were that partner, my sense of self respect would make me leave.

Because not only does he not fancy you, he doesn't respect you AND he does not care about hurting your feelings.

It is not just sex

reallyanonymousforthis · 28/12/2015 15:39

Do ask yourself whether you actually care about not having sex - as opposed to feel you should care - though. On MN, as shows in this thread, the received wisdom is that lack of sex means there must be a fundamental problem with the relationship. That's rot, frankly. There might be, or there might not - lots of perfectly happy long established couples don't have sex, look at any survey. If it's really important to you, or if it is indeed a symptom of a deeper problem, that's one thing, but don't throw away a happy marriage because it doesn't meet MN norms! In your OP, it didn't sound as though you felt the relationship was doomed.

Enoughalreadyyou · 28/12/2015 16:12

Really- plodding along with not much sex is very different to OPs DH saying he doesn't find her physically attractive. That's not something you can shove under the carpet and get on with. It's manipulative and cruel to say so.

Original poster
Nightzone · 28/12/2015 16:12

Thanks everyone for your input. Lots to think about.

I miss the intimacy side of things really. Unfortunately it's not just lack of sex, it's lack of everything, cuddles, kisses and the like. It's got steadily worse. I thought we were happy and this was just something I had to deal with if I wanted to stay married. Now I know it's because he doesn't fancy me, it has made me rethink everything.

OP posts:
Enoughalreadyyou · 28/12/2015 16:14

There must be many women who are fed this utter bullshit whilst their spouses seek their thrills elsewhere. I completely disagree.

DingbatsFur · 28/12/2015 16:17

Good luck Nightzone!
Hope you have a good 2016.

Enoughalreadyyou · 28/12/2015 16:18

I don't think that it's your attractiveness that is in question at all and how dare he suggest that. Think you are being played and you don't realise it. Lowering your self esteem is just what he wants. Don't fall for it.

Lack of intimacy on all levels suggests to me he had something else going on. What does your gut tell you OP?

Enoughalreadyyou · 28/12/2015 16:20

Empower yourself by not letting his comments get you down. The best revenge is living well. Love yourself.

SauvignonPlonker · 28/12/2015 16:26

It sounds like he's setting you up for a fall. What a cruel thing to say. Perhaps he has checked out already, and is wanting you to finish things, so he avoids the responsibility of ending things & looks like the "nice guy".

mintoil · 28/12/2015 16:27

Am I the only Mnetter who has gone off someone physically when there has been nobody else in the pipeline?

This is really sad OP and I agree with PP that the longer you stay in this situation, the more it will eat at your self esteem and confidence.

For your sake not for his, could you try to think of it as one of those things - he has just "gone off" you for whatever reason, and once that feeling/attraction is gone it can never come back - his loss? I know it's hard, but I am thinking of what might help you, rather than dwelling on whether your perfectly normal size 14 body is the cause of it.

I too would head back home with DD. I wouldn't enter into a major discussion with him about it.

I hope 2016 brings you positives and you can move on from this.

areyoubeingserviced · 28/12/2015 16:28

You are not big, So it is not about your weight.
It may be about HIS weight. He probably lacks confidence and is simply projecting his own insecurities .
Try telling him that you don't fancy him anymore.See how he reacts

OldestStory · 28/12/2015 16:34

My DH told me something very similar a while ago. He was having an affair. I really wouldn't have thought it. But he was cruel to me because of his guilt and detachment.

I spent ages worrying and thinking I was mad and unattractive, when all the time it was him.

Original poster
Nightzone · 28/12/2015 16:40

Oldest- sorry to hear that. I really hope that's not it. Hard enough dealing with this never mind anything else. Sad

OP posts:
OldestStory · 28/12/2015 16:46

I hope it's not too. On the plus side, I feel strangely better for knowing. It crushes you, stuff like this.

And was concerned that I had suddenly become so hideous!!

Hope you find out what's behind it

Enoughalreadyyou · 28/12/2015 17:06

It's the same as the old I love you but I'm not in love with you bullshit.

OP read the script so you're one step ahead.

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 28/12/2015 18:20

Sorry to be predictable OP but Cherchez la Femme eh? Bin there, done that got the tee shirt, beanie hat and sunstrip mate. :(

Hillfarmer · 29/12/2015 12:27

Hi OP,
Like others, I think your weight gain is a red herring. Size 14 would be great for me. If you want to be a 12 you might not be entirely happy - however, it's a side issue.

The real issue is that your H seems incredibly cold and has given himself permission to say cruel and heartless things. That is the crux of the matter... for him to be able to say something so hurtful to you then it appears there is respect there, no care for your feelings.

It seems entirely appropriate that this hasa made you rethink everything, because this shows you exactly who he is. He is putting himself first, he is not trying to repair things and he is dismissing your needs completely. Not good.

I agree wholeheartedly with joysmum upthread, when she said...

He's prepared to ignore your needs for a good marriage and sex and closeness because his needs makes yours invisible.

In order for your needs of emotional and physical closeness to be met actually requires some effort and thought on his part and he's not willing to do that despite it being important to you.

You, on the other hand, initially cared enough about your partnership with him to take the effort to discover his problem and want to work through it.

In short, he is taking the piss if he thinks you should carry on as you are.

Where on earth does he think this leaves you? Has he thought about that? I think you should say to him that this means your marriage is over. He has effectively said that - but just saying 'I don't fancy you any more' is a pathetic coward's way out. It leaves you having to take the action of ending it, by presenting you with something that is unacceptable to you.

Lamely saying 'I just don't fancy you anymore' is like shitting on your Christmas present and giving it to you, saying 'Why don't you like it?'

AlanPacino · 29/12/2015 12:43

By saying he doesn't fancy you he is also telling you he doesn't give a crap about your feelings anymore. That would bother me more op, that my partner didn't care about how I feel. That's not a relationship is it. Attraction isn't based on the purely physical otherwise all couples would separate when they stopped being conventionally sexy and some of us have probably never been 'fanciable'. He's saying he doesn't respect you and how you feel is of no consequence to him. You would be losing nothing of worth to end this relationship. You deserve a partner who cares about you op Thanks

Original poster
Nightzone · 29/12/2015 12:54

Thank you x

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 29/12/2015 12:59

It's the same as the old I love you but I'm not in love with you bullshit
This is exactly what I was going to say.
It might not be as it has been declining for a while.
I couldn't be with someone who didn't fancy me.
What's the point in that.
I hope you get your exit plan sorted out fast.
This is no good at all for your self esteem.