Fight or walk away

[Lostmyemailaddress]

I've been with my partner for 3 and a half years we both have dcs from previous relationships our oldest together is 2 and our youngest is 7 months old. We have been trying to find a house to live together for 2 and a half years but due to rental prices in the area we are looking we first struggled to save for rent in advance and a deposit and currently having trouble finding a house that will accept the small amount of housing benefit we'd receive. It is a long distance relationship for now as he is staying with family in the area we are looking so he can do the house viewings. The move benefits everyone as it makes him closer to visit his dcs and there is more support for 1 of my dcs who has dcs.

My partner hasn't always been completely honest with me as I didn't find out about his dcs until earlier this year and I was pregnant with our second child. I tried to be understanding of his reasons and we have tried to work through this but even now at times I still feel I'm still only just coming to terms with it all. He moved in with family members when we had been together 6 months and the plan at the time was he'd help me find a house and after 18 months of me and my dcs being there we would see where we where in terms of out relationship and moving in together. Not long after that I found out I was pregnant by him the first time he didn't react well at first but we got past that and at first he seemed to adore our daughter.

Not long after she was born his visits to us got less and less and we would argue over fact we could go 6 weeks without seeing each other and if he was with family he wouldn't answer the phone if I rang. Things would improve for a little while then visits would become infrequent again and the excuse was always due to work. Things all came to a head last Christmas I wasn't well and he had promised to be with us for Christmas but a couple of weeks before he announced he had to work. It caused a big argument as he had promised me he had booked time off he replied with his boss had cancelled it as he had decided to go on holiday. I told him I was sick of us always being let down and told him it was over and as I was pregnant with our second child that I wouldn't stop him seeing the children but he would have to start having regular contact and would have to start helping financially with his children. He promised he would be here for boxing day and asked for a second chance I replied if he turned up I would be willing to try and work things out with him but I told him I felt things were really off and that I was suspecting he was seeing someone else which he denied. He did turn up on boxing day and I followed through with my promise and tried to work things out.

Just after our daughters second birthday I still couldn't get past the feeling something was amiss and I did start questioning things and asking if there was someone else as visits yet again were irregular which he blamed on work and the fact he was hard to contact at times which he passed off that he was a private person and didn't want others hearing our conversations. It all blew up and I ended things again as I couldn't shake the feelings off when he suddenly messaged and told me he was sending me an email to explain things he did and in it he explained about his dcs and why he hadn't said anything about them. We spent some weeks discussing what to do and trying to see if we could work things out and as I said above I have tried to move on from this.

When our son was born I was given the choice of my partner coming on the day for a few hours or waiting till he had had his 4 yr old dc a few days later and spending a week with us I felt the second option was best as it caused less trouble for him with his ex who had been mad when she had found out about me and our dcs as it would take time away from their dcs. It never did he had more contact with their dcs then he did with us we saw him once every 3 weeks and the weeks he wasn't with us he had his dc and his family's house for 3 days each week.

We have had a lot of arguments about him spending equal time between all his dc as it got to the stage we hardly saw him ano when we did he didn't engage with the dcs much. I got told I was unreasonable and was trying to make him choose and make things difficult with his ex which I really wasn't I just wanted all the dcs to bring treat equally. His dB got married earlier this year and he took his other dcs but ours where not invited apparently he family refuse to meet us until we move. I sent them Christmas cards this year but they weren't acknowledged at all.

After I found out about his dc I asked questions about them to find out what they were like and my partner even sent me pictures and I've spoken to them over the phone a few times on their request I also helped to get birthday and Christmas gifts for them. One big issue I have at the minute is as soon as his ex messages for him to have their dc he jumps to it even if it means it's on the time we are supposed to have with him and we get rearranged. Only once since our youngest has been born has he said no he couldn't and this happened on our weeks quite a lot.

His contact with us had slowly increased we now see him for 2 days every other week the other week he sees his other dcs. He had promised that this Christmas he would be here with us luckily it fell on our week. The week before Christmas he took a day off as he needed a break from his 4 day a week delivery job. I pointed out if he had done it Christmas week we could have had a day extra he replied with I'll see what I can do. No more was said even when I asked at the start of the week. He turned up on the early hours of Christmas eve which was all good we had him for Christmas day he said he was leaving on boxing day as he was working day after. Christmas day came and as he said after the move Christmases would be spent one out of every two with his parents who only did gifts at 5 pm we agreed that we would do that this year and Christmas morning all the dcs would have their stocking until later on. We explained to dcs we were doing this and all the older ones agreed to it it also meant Christmas dinner was a lot more relaxed as it seemed to give the dcs something else to look forward to. When it came to time to handing out the presents in the middle of it all as they were just starting open them up he announced he was going to facetime his ex to see his other dc. I didn't say anything at them time as he was half way upstairs as he said it but I was hurt and fuming as it felt yet again his ex wants came before us. I pulled him up when he came back downstairs in the kitchen as the kids were playing with their new toys I was told I was being horrible and unreasonable and trying to stop contact with his other dcs, this hurt me so much as the week before he made a dig that his other dc were missing out this year even though he had the dc last year and that was reason he let us down. At this point he stormed upstairs saying he was leaving I then received a text saying to pack his stuff downstairs as he wouldn't be coming back. At this point I saw red and went up and told him he was horrible and he had ruined it all cause he couldn't tell his ex that he would ring 15 mins laterror then she wanted and that I was sick of it . He then got upset and said it wasn't him it was his ex and that he felt bad and that he was sorry. I didn't want to spoil things for the dcs so I said ok he then said he had arranged to pick up his dm on boxing day at his dbs even though he said there was a chance he would not be working on the Sunday and if he.wasn't he would be spending an extra night with us he also then said he was having his other dc a day early next week for over new year.

Boxing day came and because he was up once in the night with our youngest he spent all morning in bed. He then undermined me in front of my oldest dc which them my oldest ignore me more and couldn't see why I wasn't happy. I pointed out that I wouldn't undermine him in front of the dc and if I didn't agree with something I would speak to him afterwards out of the dcs way. Things seemed to go a bit better until I got a message as he was on his way home at 7pm saying he now has Sunday off. I will admit at this point I was a tipping point and probably unreasonable but messaged that it was convenient that he suddenly had a day off at a time when he wasn't here anymore an argument followed I've spilled out everything that I'm feeling and have been for a while some are things I've said in past.

That I'm tired of his ex always coming first and that her feelings and wants constantly come before mine and how he doesn't treat our dc like his others and that I'm tired of fighting to get him to spend extra time with us and the excuse is always it's not fair on his other dcs but that it doesn't bother him when he gets extra time with the other dc.
He told me he thought we needed some space and fir first time I didn't back down I told him to take all time he needed as I was tired of fighting and being made to fee that me and our dcs come second all the time.

We exchanged angry messages as I won't argue in front of the kids and he stated I'm pushing him away and I'm never happy and that I always want more. I pointed out that he supposed to be in a relationship with me and not his ex and that he couldn't keep being more concerned with upsetting her knowing full well that constantly running when she wanted him to have their dc at our expense was hurting me and the family we have here including my dc who think world of him. All through this he was telling me I was being stupid and that I had ruined Christmas for him.

When he got home and my dcs where in bed he rang and started to say it was my fault I ruined Christmas and I was pushing him away so I aging went mad and pointed out that recently every time I tried to flirt with him he just didn't bother and hardly came near me any more I told him again I was tired of fighting to have him spend time with us and there was always excuses yet when his ex wanted him to have their dc he didn't have a problem with that only when it came to us he said again it wasn't the case became upset told me he was sorry and would try harder then asked if we could move on from this.

I don't know if we can I'm tired of it being like this I'm tired of feeling like I have to fight for things all the time. Is there a way forward from this or should I walk away. I do love him and we do plan on living together as soon as we can find a house and eventually get married. I'm not sure if this is the normal stresses of a long distance relationship I'm just so confused we have worked out other issues we have had but this one just seems to come back time and time again.

I'm sorry for this essay I'm just trying to get things straight in my head

Perhaps revisit the freedom programme, and seek support in RL.

Give it much more than a couple of days. You can get away from this loser. Get in touch with the CSA about maintenance.

Get on entitledto.com and make sure you have all the financial support you can.

You aren't stupid. So many of us end up in bad relationships because we get drawn in, ignore the obvious etc. What was I thinking when XH hadn't told his parents that DC1 had been born until he was 6 weeks old? I can see it all now. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

The most important thing is to take your blinkers off. See this 'relationship' for what it really is. It isn't a loving, caring relationship. He is not part of your family. He has no intention of commitment.

You can now choose whether you want this to be your life, or whether you want to be happy. And for your children to be happy.

It's all up for grabs you simply have to take control.

Wishing you all the strength and courage to build a happy future.

To be honest I think I just need to stay away from relationships. I became no contact with most of my family, at the age of 17 and I'm 34 now as a family members partner pinned me down and groped me he told everyone I came onto him and had been doing for years and had been telling him about all my conquests. I was still a virgin but everyone believed him. I just seem to have mug visible for people to see. So it just being me and my dc seems like the best option.

I will ring csa but I know as soon as I do he will definitely go no contact when we split in the past and I started it then he did for a few weeks until he rang me promising how much he had changed and how much we all meant to him. This time I will block his number and email address so that it won't happen again.

Please get angry with him, CSA is the way to get him to pay up. Onwards and upwards

You're very brave to be facing all this so head on and so quickly. Good luck. Agree with PP re CSA to get him to take financial responsibility.

Sounds like you have had a really rough time. I am so sorry to hear that. You didn't deserve that, no-one does.

You probably don't have mug written on you- but predators do zero in on people who they know have been victimised in the past (your family members partner will have known what happened with your dad, mum and step dad). So it can be an idea to strike a balance between playing your cards fairly close to your chest but not being too isolated.

So sorry Christmas has ended up here for you, but so glad that you are moving on so quickly. Go luck.

I honestly don't feel very brave at the minute he rang me and asked if we can get past all this told him I didn't think we could and I thought we should split permanently.
He asked if there was anything he could do to change my mind and I stupidly said if he wanted to be with us and make things work he had to accept that us moving down there wasn't a possibility as we couldn't find a house so only other option is to split or him move here with me. He asked about how he would see his other dc so I said do with them what you do with us and travel every other week and bring them here in holidays as he feels the traveling would be too much for them every weekend. The conversation ended with him saying he'd think about it but doing that would mean him staying at his exes as the driving would be too much even though he has driven his dc home from his family members then come straight here afterwards.
I have my answer I'm not sure if csa will be open tomorrow but will check and ring as soon as they are open.

I feel so low and stupid for allowing myself in this situation the only good thing out of it all is the dc we have together.

So you've given him options and have let him back in. You've put the ball in his court and he now has control.

OP, what's in this for YOU? You as an individual, as a woman. What will YOU get from him?

No I have my answer knew when I asked he wouldn't choose us it's the final confirmation if he wanted us he would have jumped at it.

Now I know for definite I can sort my head out properly need it working to some degree as I've enrolled to start an open university degree and that begins in January and I don't want to waste the chance to better myself.

Once I've spoken to csa I know he will state he will stop contact with the dc as soon as he says that I will tell him ok and I will block his number. Just need to keep it together until then I'm starting to get angry at him for it all but I refuse to shout at him and resort to saying anything nasty will use it to do what I need to to move forward with things.

I need to make myself a better role model for my dcs I want them to see that no matter what you can make things better.

That's how your post came across to me Lost. And I think you were right to test him to get confirmation if that's what you needed to get your head straight.

You have a brilliant attitude about going forward. What's your degree subject?

Well done Lost. FWIW it's a year to the day I told my DCs our marriage was over. Never been happier than I am now. Stay strong.

My attitude at the moment is guilt for allowing my kids to be part of this and I need to make things right for them. I have 6 in total 4 boys who need to know the right way to treat a partner who they love and 2 girls who need to see how they deserve to be treated. I know this and it's my mantra for today I have to keep it together for them cause when he does finally drop all contact its just me and them.

January is an access course in maths science and it that will give me credits towards the final degree in environmental science. I am hoping to eventually get a masters degree. No one in my family has ever been educated to university level and if nothing else it will be a good thing to prove to my dcs that working hard does achieve something. I have been honest and told them I wasted my school years and that I'm now trying to change that mistake hoping it will encourage them to aim high .

Thank you goodbest that's encouraging to know trying to work on a practical level at the moment scared if I allow my emotions too much space I will back down.

That's interesting. I'm going to do an OU access course in maths/science at the end of next year then go onto the psychology degree.

Sounds like you've made the right decision.

It seems to me that all you are losing here is a fantasy - the dream of a relationship. The man was never your 'partner', he didn't share your daily life at all. He was just some bloke who came along and made you pregnant from time to time and then didn't take full responsibility for his offspring.

Good luck with your course and will being a good role model. You'll be fine.

OP - you mean you think he will stop contact/access when you go to the CSA?

He needs to support his children financially, whether he sees them or not.

Yea he has said he'd do that in the past and when I started csa proceedings he threatened to stop work so he wouldn't have to pay. Apparently csa just screw the fathers over and always rule in favour of the mum is how he put it.

We had no contact for 3 months then he made contact promising he had changed and he knew he had been an idiot and couldn't be without us. I stupidly listened and believed him at the time. He's thrown at me that he helps cause he gets up with our baby if he wakes during the night. But he didn't start until the baby was 5 months old and never did it with our older dc. I'm supposed to be grateful he does this but when he does he stays in bed in the morning yet when I'm up during the night I still have to get up with the others. His excuse is he's older and drives a lot so get tired easier. He's 42 and works 4 days a week I'm 34 mum to six and do everything when he's not here yet he's doing me a favour.

I'm sorry the anger is just building at the minute and I don't have anyone to talk to and I'm worried about my dcs seeing how I feel at the minute.

He can try to 'give up work' - does he think the CSA haven't seen those threats before? His children need to be supported, by him, and the CSA will do this. CSA 'screw over the fathers to rule in favour of the mother'? Does he think the money CSA take from him will go to you? It doesn't, it goes to HIS CHILDREN!

Does he pay maintenance to his other children?

I'm so glad the anger is building in you - it sounds like he has taken you for a mug for a long time. I can't get over the fact that you were with him for how long before you even knew about his other family? You were/are, quite obviously, a fuckbuddy - he can't move in with you because he is still either with or not actually separated from his previous partner. OR he doesn't actually want to move in with you because he is essentially living a single, free life at the moment.

He gives you nothing, and gets love, affection, headspace, bedspace, god knows what else, form you in return.

I don't know what he thinks but he knows how much trouble I had with my older dcs dad over maintenance. It's been an uphill struggle for years and he got away with not paying for a long time. He also knows when it comes to that money I split it 3 ways 1 lot for stuff they need now 1 lot for uniforms and to pay for little things like new shoes and such until we get the next payment as payments are not always regular even with the threat of an attachment of earnings. He pays for his other dcs directly and always on a regular basis. The only thing he has paid for for our dcs is occasionally giving me money towards birthdays or Christmas.

Any talk of help with money is met with that's all you think about not everything is about money. Not everything is about money but I have to closely budget everything as we don't have a lot and keep to only essentials. I'm a full time carer for my son as at the minute he is in mainstream school and is unable to cope and never has. He is due to go to high school in September and only now does the local Lea admit that he needs special provision is a specialised setting.

I'm unable to work at the minute due to my sons problems and they now thing one of the other dcs has simular problems so I now have to go through it all again.

Reading back I can see why he saw me as such a mug I've let things slide with him as I always thought in a way he supported me emotionally through a lot of these things. When really he just saw it as a chance get away with things as I was to preoccupied with the dcs.

I never planned to get pregnant with our dcs but I've had problems with hormone types of contraception our older dc was conceived while I was on the pill and the second was due to problems with the injection. He promised each time he'd support me through the pregnancies but all he did was come to scans I did everything else.

Right now I am so ashamed of myself and as soon as the dcs are in bed I know I will break down just got to hold it together a little longer.

Have a good cry later tonight when it's safe to do so. And then tomorrow I think you have to start thinking and acting as a single woman and stop even thinking of conditions that would mean you'd choose to be with this waster.

It's ok to grieve for the loss of a relationship - in fact you must. It's a process and you need to allow yourself to go through it to heal.

From your posts you sound like a strong, independent person who has her head screwed on. But one who lacks self-belief maybe?

You know what is what but you seem to me to be doubting yourself - years of EA can do that.

I think if you stay strong you will be absolutely fine.

Well done for knocking this 'relationship'on the head.

In future, look for what people DO not what they SAY.

He's endlessly gabbed but there is precisely NOTHING to show for it, just a lot of words.

You both seem to do a lot of talking. Stop talking, it's time for action - you don't have to explain, to come up with good reasons - you owe him nothing at all. He has fucked you over endlessly, you owe him zero.

Do what you need to do now. No explanations, no talking, no listening - he's brimming with shite, and more shite is what you're going to get if you listen to him gabbing to kingdom come.

If you have to, write a list: left hand side - what he's said/promised; right hand side - what he's actually done. You'll find the left hand side chock full, the right side howlingly empty.

You've had a vile childhood and (ime) it takes a long time and lots of practise - and mistakes - to work through it. You've achieved so much considering your awful start in life, pat yourself on the back . Keep on keeping on darling

OP, sadly, your story is a textbook example of not having children with a man until you are married and have a house together. Hope it all goes well for you.

I doubt myself daily and I do admit my self esteem is low counselling never helped as all I was told was that I was normal for someone who had an abused childhood. I have even tried cbt therapy but struggled with it badly and even after 6 weeks there was no improvement if anything I felt worse and a failure for not being able to even improve slightly.

I will do the list and keep it in my phone case then when he messages I have something physical as a reminder. I can't block him yet as he still wants to see our dcs and while he is willing I will facilitate it as especially our youngest adores his daddy and gets excited to see him.

I hope I will be fine and thank you for the support I fully expected to be told all this was my own fault and be flamed for it all and part of me thinks it's what I actually deserve.

Iona I know you are right and I will be honest I did contemplate a termination with our oldest dc together I even when to the hospital for the procedure but couldn't go through with it. Same with our youngest dc and I'm currently waiting to see a doctor about being sterilised but my gp is unsure that I will be allowed until I'm 35 so until then I'm celibate which he hates but I can't risk getting pregnant again.