Death sentence

[Summon3r]

I'm new. I just had to join as I'm going mad. I found out on christmas eve that my beloved partner has 2 years left to live. I'm broken. He's my best friend. My whole world. We had the happiest, easiest relationship. I just don't know how to be without him. I feel like my life didn't even begin until we met. The thought of life without him by side is unbearable. Seeing him in such shock and pain makes me die inside. I'm trying to be positive in front of him that maybe something will be discovered within the time frame to fix him, but it's so hard. I worry about letting him down. Not being strong enough to give him a happy 2 years. We're only late 30's. I don't know how any of this is possible. I feel so lonely already.

OP , so sorry

Do whatever you need to. Honestly I would get married. To not even be his widow would be worse, it seems to be denying your very real grief. To be his partner but not next of kin seems like a double blow.
My first practical step would be to get legal advice for wills etc.
Get him to do a funeral pan so that's less traumatic for you. (My gran was given 3 months and used it wisely - best Funeral I'll ever go to).
Take a leave of absence if you want to spend every minute with him, don't if you need time away.
Get him to write a series of letters to kids for life's key points. My mum died when I was 7 and left nothing. I have very few memories of her so would have treasured this.
Others will have great advice I'm sure. I think I would try to access counseling now so you can discuss your grief with someone and deal better with the situation at home. This will also help when he dies, because your counsellor will already be up to speed.

No advice, but I am so sorry that you are going through and facing such difficult times.

Oh Summon

Sweetheart I'm so sorry

Memory boxes can be "nice" (sorry, can't think of a more appropriate term but hopefully you know what I mean) - for the DC and for you. Cruse and winston's wish are both organisations that you might find helpful.

The advice you will get on the relationships board is excellent. If you feel strong enough there is a section on MN called life limiting illness which you might find helpful.

Wish you weren't going through this x

Do you know what? I think this is actually easier. Easier than having to budget your feelings & grief for two whole years before the inevitable loss.

You & he have to be focused now, for the children, for your future. I think getting married is an excellent idea, as wally suggests.

So sorry for you all

I'm so, so sorry.

He's made a list of things he needs to teach me. Made me cry more. I can't even escape in sleep. I just dream about it too. He made a will when he was first diagnosed apparently. He won't make me a widow. Neither of us could face it. Saying vows for a life that won't happen. I could hear him crying in the night while I snuggled into his back. We were so happy. He's asked we try and be normal until 2nd Jan. I have to go back to work on the 4th. Simply no choice. I'd I don't I will also lose my home. I'm just so tired

I'm so so sorry Summon. I've been exactly where you are. You're whole being aches Please PM if you'd like. One thing I would say, I know it seems too much to get married but it would make things simpler for you in the long term. I mean that in the nicest possible way. Hugs to you

I am so very sorry to read this and my heart goes out to you both. My father died relatively suddenly in his 50s 23 years ago. My sister has never recovered from.not being able to say goodbye as she was on holiday. My mother was plunged into deep grief and financial problems too but emerged after some time partly due to a focus on the practical and partly due to CRUSE bereavement counselling. For years after I recall 2 songs REMs Everybody Hurts and Half a World Away by Oasis theme tune to the Royle family being played over and over again so I guess they were part of her healing. She was 12/13. Life can be awfully cruel but these dark days and nights you are living through are still part of the gift of life which many never receive. You may find too solace in unexpected places and friendships transformed even enhanced through all this. But I know this is not what you want. I am making little sense now bit 2 last things. Even if you are not thinking about your own last chapter the Samaritans on 116123 are a very good and ever present ear. And perhaps look at this if you like . PM me if you need to and my warmest thoughts to you all.

I didn't want to read this and not reply, but I just don't have any words. Sorry doesn't seem to cut it. Just fit in what you can while he has the strength, March is not set in stone just an estimate.

Oh l am so sorry, how very thoughful of him to "lie" to get you through Christmas. he obviously loves you very much to keep that news to himself
You still have 3 month (maybe more) lets make them count. I would rather be a first a wife then a widow than with a partner, it also makes things easier once the dreaded day comes. Please think about getting married even just the 2 of you and a minister/priest etc
Memory boxes, cards for significant birthdays to be given to DC's--plentry of photos.
You must look after yourself, at this point the family need you to be the strong one--and to him you will be , use this thread and friends in RL to cry scream and vent.
We are all here for you

I don't know how to pm. He just Showed me a letter he has written to his eldest. I made a noise like a wild animal reading it. I don't know how to go on. I just want to never wake up. The cruelty is just too much to bear. I just want to fall asleep in his arms

Think I worked it out. Cittigirl sent you pm

I am so, so sorry to hear this.

Can you get signed off sick? I've sent soon-to-be bereaved team members off to the GP because really they were not fit or safe to be in work.

With regard making memories, may I suggest looking at the willow foundation when you are up to it. They gave us a lovely weekend in London, took kids to shrek the musical, gave me time to feel some normality.

Morning Summon, so sorry to hear your devastating news about the timescales!
Please think about getting married, it could affect your financial position for the rest of your life with regard to pensions etc. I know in the grand scheme of things money isn't important at all but when you're grieving the last thing you want to worry about is keeping a roof over your head.
You could speak to the Registrar about the wording of the vows, I think they are used to dealing with these sort of circumstances.
And again I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

Elizabeth. I don't think it will make any difference. He looked into it straight away apparently. If there's any contest in the will from his 1st wife it makes no odds legally if we have married knowing he is terminal.
The wedding we planned is no possibility now. I can't explain.
I'll not be homeless or anything. My dad wants me to go stay with him when it happens to ease the loneliness. I know he'd be happy for me to live with him permanently if I wanted to.
It's just the sadness and anger I can't control. He's mine. How can I lose him? I only enjoy the time with him. Every time we're apart I count the seconds till I'm by his side again. Everyone else pales in comparison x

OK I won't mention it again I just wish that me & my partner had been married! We thought we had sorted out everything properly and one form incorrectly filled out by the solicitor left me with the biggest mess ever & I nearly lost my house but that's a story for another thread!

I totally understand your anger & sorrow! Cruise advised me to write it all down, get it down on paper & out of my head! Be prepared to be angry with him too, angry with him for leaving you. The first time I had to mow the lawn (his job ) I sobbed & cursed him with every step! The selfish bastard leaving me to do everything! It goes eventually.

Try to take care of yourself physically, can you speak to your manager at work? Take some time off?

god you poor poor thing summon. thinking of you and sorry I have nothing useful to offer.

I know. I wish there was something. Nobody can say or do a thing. I just off the phone to my dad. He's telling me I have to get it together to be strong, so I can ease his burden. It's worse for him so I just have to. I don't know how to or where to get it.
I don't even know why I started posting. I've read mumsnet for years but never joined

So sorry Summoner. I would go and see your GP so they can sign you off if and when you feel that is necessary. The idea about your partner writing letters for later in life is a really good one. Also I know there have been posts about this already but I really would get married. Then there is no question of your wishes and status in speaking for him being questioned. However limited your time together might be, it wouldn't make your vows any less sincere.

- hmmm - you're human, you may not be able to be strong. You can only do your best. Very big unmumsnetty hugs.

I'm so sorry.
You're still in shock right now, so go with whatever you're feeling - take a few days where you just breathe, don't make plans.
I still remember exactly how I felt when my dp was told that he had 6 months - I was so lost, had no idea how to feel, what to think, how to react.

I wish I'd married him - his sons (both in their 30s) were next of kin, and have to deal with all the practicalities and paperwork. If I'd married him, I could have done that and saved them the difficulties and decisions.
But that's an aside - right now, you don't have to be strong for him - cry together for the loss of the future that you'd planned. Make the time you do have special, for as long as you can. One of my favourite memories was a night in listening to Status Quos acoustic concert. Dp got his guitar out and played along. We sang, and listened to music and were just content together.

Be kind to yourself - and let other people be kind too.

I am so sorry. I can't imagine how you can be strong. Why not let yourself cry, together. Crying is good sometimes. Just allow yourself to, let all your thoughts good and bad wash over you and cry for as long as it takes for the tears to stop. Exhaust yourself with it until you are so sick of it, so tired and then you will know how to be strong. You can't stop feeling, all you do is displace it and reschedule it!

Somehow you will find a way to make the most of the time you have.

I'm so sorry to read this summon3r.
I have no words of wisdom, I'm just so sorry.