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Original poster

does FWB ever really work?

40 replies

MyGastIsFlabbered · 25/12/2015 16:46

I'm absolutely not in a position to get into a relationship, but that doesn't mean I want to be a nun while I get my shit together. I've been chatting to a few guys online, and have been totally honest about what I want and they seem OK with that.

Am I setting myself up for disaster? I've promised myself I'll back off if I feel like I'm getting emotionally involved but I know that's easier said than done.

And part of me worries that anyone I get into a FWB scenario with is just going to think I'm a slut...but I just absolutely cannot get involved right now.

OP posts:
KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 25/12/2015 16:51

My FWB is currently next to me on the sofa.

He's been my DP now for 11 years.

I'm not sure you can have sex, snuggle up and be mates without getting attached to them.

ThreeRuddyTubs · 25/12/2015 17:03

Mine turned out to be a twat but that's not to say it can't work out. I say try it and stop it if you're getting too invested

confusedandemployed · 25/12/2015 17:12

I had a FWB once. He was a mate who I happened to go to bed with once. Then we did it a few more times. It was fun and we both enjoyed it for what it was.

Neither of us ever wanted anything more from the other. If we still moved in the same circles we'd still be mates.

But I feel that my experience is the exception rather than the rule.

TwllBach · 25/12/2015 17:22

My FWB is currently my DP and father to my unborn DC Grin

However, I have had two previous FWBs that have stayed just that so... Yes I think it can work.

HainaultViaNewburyPark · 25/12/2015 17:31

I tried this in 2002 (I'd just got out of a long term relationship and didn't feel ready for anything serious).

We're now married and our DC are 11 and 9 Xmas Smile

WallyBantersJunkBox · 25/12/2015 17:37

I'm in a relationship with my fwb now too.

Blush

The sex was amazing, we had a great time at the beginning, safe, tested mutually exclusive and discreet.

Then the bloody interesting conversation and caring got in the way. Grin

MrsH1989 · 25/12/2015 17:39

I think it depends on if you are friends or just fuck buddies. I think the latter works best tbh as their are emotions with friends and they can be misinterpreted.

flatbellyfella · 25/12/2015 17:46

I am sure it can work, so long as you are both honest & exclusive to one another.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 25/12/2015 17:51

My most recent fwb was a really good friend with whom I had sex. It wasn't expected and if either of us said, "no", that was fine.

We have been friends for about 4 years. The 'benefits' bit lasted for about 18 months on and off.

We both know it's still there, but we haven't for a while. We still see each other as friends frequently.

I really like him and we're very close friends, but I don't want any more from him. He feels the same.

BolshierAryaStark · 25/12/2015 18:18

FWB works as long as both parties are on the same page & happy with the arrangement.
As for being a slut-really?! Hell no, go for it & enjoy.

isseywithcats · 25/12/2015 20:37

yes it can work as long as you set the terms before you go any further my FWb and i lasted three years on and off, we had a great time at either his flat or mine but never went out in public, we laughed, listened to music watched films so all the good things about having someone there but without all the hassle that being a proper couple entails and of course the sex was fantastic, eventually he met someone else and so did i who we have settled down with to a proper relationship, we are still friends when we bump into one another but thats it , it was a good time and now having a different good time

something2say · 25/12/2015 20:46

I had this amazing British African man who used to come and see me about ten o clock, sometimes on work nights! I used to cook him food, he'd eat it and then we'd get on the bed and make love. He was 6'4, lovely and muscley and once we did it standing up in front of the mirror. The sight of his arms!!! He was amazing. Didn't use to stay the night tho, and only every now and then so not often and no romantic feelings. But did love cuddling up and sleeping in his arms afterwards for a bit. Have fun op!!!

DadWasHere · 25/12/2015 20:58

Yes, it can work, but only for people with whom desire for sex does not trigger desire for love. But the trouble is that most people are not aware of the connection they have in their own psyche. Women are commonly raised to strongly associate sex and love (or be sluts) while men are raised to think in terms of the exact opposite (should be able to one night stand with no emotional attachment). So, what happens, is that women can come to learn they CAN separate the two and men come to learn they CANT.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 25/12/2015 20:58

It can work but you have to be sure that neither side is really looking for any more (and that they aren't married!).

That means total honesty with yourself. If you really feel sure that you arent looking for more, then it can be great. If you think you secretly want more, then don't do it.

Had 3 FWB, worked well with all 3, happy memories and no sadness. Stayed in touch as friends with all 3 for some years.

blueshoes · 25/12/2015 21:56

I agree with MrsH that fuck buddy relationships are easier than friend with benefits. It is less messy and both parties know where they stand because fewer emotions and dates are involved.

MummyDuckAndDuckling · 25/12/2015 23:54

I have had a few. One was an ex.. We parted at the time mutually but then I meet him out one night and we ended up in bed. We started seeing each other a few times a month purely for sex. This went on for a few years but then I started having strong feelings for him so I had to distance myself from him as I didn't want to get hurt.
Another was/is a guy I've known for almost 10 years. We tend to go through periods of sleeping together regularly but then can go 6 months/a year before we get together again. He has and always will be a friend. We have a good connection but I just dont like him that way to make it a serious thing.

I say go for it. Just be strong with yourself in that it is only sex

longesttime · 26/12/2015 02:52

Can you explain why you can't get involved right now?

longesttime · 26/12/2015 02:53

And what would happen if you got a FWB, but then really properly liked them? How would you proceed from there?

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2015 03:14

Hi OP can I ask how old you are?

If this is dates from people on the Intranet, please be careful. This may not be so much friends with benefits as random strangers for sex. I don't mean that unkindly, I just mean it is one thing to fall for a friend sexually, not intend to get into a relationship but to have sex when you know them and their history ... and it is another to meet someone anonymously on line and start a sexual relationship.

I met my husband at a 'dating agency' (not really on line pretty much before on line was so much of a thing, more pen pals!) so I am not against dating agencies.

Re but I just absolutely cannot get involved right now. Is there an issue you need to address? FWB is up to you but I am guessing most people long term might want more, them or you, so whatever reason is holding you back from a relationship, are you looking into it?

What happens if a FWB situation turns into a pregnancy?

What if FWB turns into real love?

I guess it's each to their own but I always knew I wanted to get married and have kids, which sounds very boring but which has actually been the greatest thing for me.

Good luck.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 26/12/2015 07:32

There are lots of reasons why I can't get involved right now, I left my EA husband back in March after his behaviour led me to have a breakdown, I have a lot of work to do to undo the damage he has caused. The divorce is very messy and we're going to Court next year.

I started dating someone casually in May but it very quickly became a 'relationship', we'd not made long term plans but had plans for next year, then without warning 3 weeks ago he broke it off and cut all contact, it nearly broke me.

At the moment I'm aware that maybe I'm not even ready for casual dating but my self-esteem is so low that I can't see any worth in myself unless someone is interested in me. I know it's fucked up but that's how it is. I'm working on sorting this out, but I still crave physical contact in the meantime. I've got 2 potential dates lined up and have been completely honest with both of them about what I can offer.

Plus I have 2 small boys (3&5) who are already slightly confused as to why they're not seeing ex boyfriend and his children any more, I don't want to add anyone else into their lives right now.

If I start feeling like I'm getting emotionally involved then I guess I'll have to rethink.

OP posts:
LionHeartedWoman · 26/12/2015 07:47

maybe I'm not even ready for casual dating but my self-esteem is so low that I can't see any worth in myself unless someone is interested in me. You'd be best to avoid fwb/fb in that case.

It's never a good idea to rely on someone else to provide (or validate) your worth.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 26/12/2015 08:04

I know this, but the idea of not dating until I get my shit together seems even worse.

OP posts:
LionHeartedWoman · 26/12/2015 08:20

Why does the idea of not dating seem so bad/scary?

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 26/12/2015 08:35

Fear of being alone, no kisses, cuddles or sex...

OP posts:
ProfGrammaticus · 26/12/2015 08:54

I think you'd best steer clear, OP. Concentrate on being strong in yourself. You don't need these things to validate yourself.

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