does FWB ever really work?

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I'm absolutely not in a position to get into a relationship, but that doesn't mean I want to be a nun while I get my shit together. I've been chatting to a few guys online, and have been totally honest about what I want and they seem OK with that.

Am I setting myself up for disaster? I've promised myself I'll back off if I feel like I'm getting emotionally involved but I know that's easier said than done.

And part of me worries that anyone I get into a FWB scenario with is just going to think I'm a slut...but I just absolutely cannot get involved right now.

[LionHeartedWoman]

Being on your own for a bit might help you.

[LionHeartedWoman]

I started dating someone casually in May but it very quickly became a 'relationship', we'd not made long term plans but had plans for next year, then without warning 3 weeks ago he broke it off and cut all contact, it nearly broke me. I don't think you would cope at all well with being ghosted, which is a likely outcome from internet fwb/fb candidates.

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I've been ghosted before, it's not a big deal. I'm annoyed at myself for being unable to value myself.

[blueshoes]

There is an inherent contradiction in what you are saying.

On one hand, a man whom you were casually dating since May who ended a relationship suddenly nearly broke you and then you are saying that it is no big deal being ghosted. It is a fine line between the two. Are you sure you are in the right frame of mind for a FWB/FB relationship.

You say that you want this for kisses, cuddles and sex. Again, you seem to be seeking a certain emotional connection which could leave you vulnerable and wanting more out of a FWB/FB arrangement. You should ignore the posters whose FWB turned into long term relationships. If that is what you are secretly hoping for - a sort of safe zone until you are ready to move into a relationship after you have sorted yourself out, you might find that that is when your direction starts to diverge from your FWB/FB and you might be hurt.

Best to treat casual dating with sex as just that ... casual. But are you ready for that?

[LionHeartedWoman]

So, since March your EA marriage ended, then you were been ghosted (it's not a big deal) and had another relationship end (it nearly broke me)?

I hope it works out as you hope. I stick by my first post at 7:47.

[ThisIsStillFolkGirl]

You don't sound at all ready fir a relationship and even less ready for a fwb or a fb.

You have to be resiliant and emottioanlly detached.

My fwbs have worked because it's the kisses and cuddles romance side of a relationship that I can't do and all the crap that goes with it. If that's what you want then stay well clear!

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I was ghosted and it wasn't a big deal because I wasn't that bothered by the person. The relationship ending nearly broke me because I was going through a rough time with exH and I'd come to rely on the boyfriend as a massive source of support, when that was suddenly withdrawn it was really hard. I'm not looking for any sort of support from a FWB so I'm hoping it will work out better

[hefzi]

Sorry, but FWB/FB relationships, your later postings seem to indicate it would be a terrible idea for you: they are not something that's suitable when you are struggling with low self-esteem, and I have seen time and again where this has caused more trouble for people than they had in the beginning as a result. You need to sort out your self-esteem and other issues first, and then consider this - if you are linking your self-esteem to your worth to others, this is a total recipe for disaster.

Apologies for being blunt, but you are running a very real risk of doing further damage to your self-esteem by pursuing this course: I think you need to have a total relationship - of any kind- boycott until you've sorted your head and your feelings out. You went very quickly from an EA relationship into a new relationship, and from what you've said, that only ended very recently. Hang out on your own, get comfortable with yourself, and only then start thinking about what sort of relationship will work for you.

[Italiangreyhound]

Re At the moment I'm aware that maybe I'm not even ready for casual dating but my self-esteem is so low that I can't see any worth in myself unless someone is interested in me. I know it's fucked up but that's how it is. I'm working on sorting this out, but I still crave physical contact in the meantime. I've got 2 potential dates lined up and have been completely honest with both of them about what I can offer.

I think FWB is a terrible idea.

I agree with Lion.

Personally I would say get counselling and get advice for how to satisfy your own emotional needs.

As far as the physical needs you will have to work that one out yourself but really if you are very vulnerable then relationships based on sex may well not really satisfy you and will only lead to more heartache.

There is help out there, please access it.

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I'm already getting counselling to work on my own problems.

I do appreciate your comments.

[hollinhurst84]

I've had the same FBW for 18 years

[ovenchips]

I agree with PPs. With your personal circumstances at the mo and where your head's at, a relationship of any kind but particularly a 'no frills' one, would be very unwise.

No one can make you take this consensus of advice but for your own happiness you really should.

[Potatoface2]

reading your last post i think you need to focus on your children and give all men a wide berth for a while....u split with your husband in march, new man in may, thats now ended...now you want a FWB from the interent (thats not a FWB as they arent friends)....give yourself a break, be on your own for a while....sounds like you have some issues and need to work on them first, you dont need sex with 'friends' you dont need cuddles or kisses from insincere people from the internet, you need time for yourself, until you have the time and energy to put into a relationship you are ready for...you are making a way to big deal about what you WANT rather than what you NEED!

[ElfOnTheBoozeShelf]

OP a week ago you were in a flap that a man you had been seeing for a few weeks had called things off with you, and said your happiness depended on hearing from him.

You are in no position to be in any kind of relationship, and that includes validation fucking, which is what you seem to be after reading this and your last thread.

Take the advice you've been given. Stay single (,like you said you were going to) work on being a good mother and a happy person.

A friends with benefits situation right now would just be a disaster, for you and the other person.

[longesttime]

I have had people i have had one night stands with.

I have had people I have been fuck buddies with (slept with every Friday night for a while with no dates)

I have had relationships.

By far the most difficult relationship I have ever had was my one foray into FWB. Both of us opted for that option because we were not in a place to want commitment. To be honest, that is a bull shit statement because the truth was both of us were lonely, but afraid to be in a relationship and we felt the FWB thing would somehow protect us from risk.

It didn't.

We developed feelings and then because we were both ill equipped to handle them we acted like a pair of defensive idiots and ended up hurting each other.

We've not seen each other for six weeks now and I miss him and feel really sad.

The fact is, you don't get to decide what you are going to feel about someone before you spend time with them. Relationships are about possibility - not pre-set limits.

If you genuinely only want sex and a little companionship I'd advise you to do that from a place of being healthy emotionally. Having someone to sleep with doesn't fix you and people can end up being hurt.

I am sitting here seriously jealous of the ones sitting next to their FWB!