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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Coping with others

43 replies

Name7 · 25/12/2015 14:49

Merry Christmas all. We are lucky that today it's just immediate family but from tomorrow we are visiting relatives and friends. Do you have tips for coping with the needy (MIL) arrogant (FIL) patronising (BIL who has done ever much bigger and better than we ever have) ultra sensitive (sis and mil) etc etc.
My tip is to either drive or only have a small glass but make sure there's a bottle of something lovely for when we get home. I have learned to count to 10 before I talk now (once was heavily criticised for not being excited enough for Bil's presents from his wife) I know it's not worth getting into an argument, they just bring you down to their level and beat you with experience but how do you do it? Shall I start bingo??

OP posts:

tectonicplates · 25/12/2015 14:51

Bingo sounds like a plan. Good luck out there.

UndramaticPause · 25/12/2015 14:53

I have a chronic health issue that means I need to rest frequently and leave social occasions early.

Sometimes it comes in useful...

Original poster

Name7 · 25/12/2015 15:06

Unfortunately my in laws enjoy ill health. Whatever you have, they've had it 10 times worse! My parents on the other hand fully believe in mind over matter so no sympathy ever! I'll need help designing my bingo card please

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Original poster

Name7 · 26/12/2015 08:42

Any ideas please? Good replies to rude behaviour? You know, those phrases that you think of hours later. Or do I spend the next few days only saying "mm hmm" ?

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Chorltonswheelies422 · 26/12/2015 08:58

I know exactly what you mean. I use reflection - it's very effective once you've mastered it

Give me an example of something one of them actually said to you

Original poster

Name7 · 26/12/2015 09:28

Mil always, without fail will complain that we've spent too much (we haven't) but will say it about 20 times. I usually say, "no we haven't " then try to change subject or speak to the kids. This is despite her going way overboard on the grandchildren. She also makes the children feel guilty about the money she's spent on them. It's hard to describe but very hard work. BIL will turn up late with his family, we have to be very grateful for their presence and presents (to the kids) and he will witter on about money spent and time taken to find those presents.

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daisychain01 · 26/12/2015 09:38

I wouldn't bother thinking of witty or even sarcastic responses. Don't get involved. Just expect their crass behaviour forewarned is forearmed and all that, and ignore ignore ignore. Imagine it is 24 hours later and you are no longer in their delightful company.

Anything else means you are lowering youself to their base level.

Chorltonswheelies422 · 26/12/2015 09:51

Mil - you've spent too much!
You - looking directly into her eyes, so what I'm hearing is that we have spent too much money on making this a wonderful Christmas. Is that right?
Mil - erm yeah
You < still holding her gaze> - we love Christmas and it gives us pleasure to give presents that we know will delight people. It's up to us how we do that. Now then, let's

In my experience it's the calling someone out on what they are saying that makes it really effective - most horrible personality types use conversation to get their jibes in and want to keep them as jibes and do not want them called out

Original poster

Name7 · 26/12/2015 09:54

Completely agree. I'm driving today. Just put a nice bottle of prosecco in the fridge for when I get home. I have to be so alert as they will pick up on imagined slights so no hint of an eye roll! It's taken a long time to realise it's them, not me. Making me more aware of my marriage as well to be honest as I get zero support from husband. (In laws have form for blowing up at me, once when I was defending my nephew from mil who was calling him a selfish, rude, naughty boy to my children - not to him thank goodness) and as above when I wasn't excited enough for my Bil's present from his wife)

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Original poster

Name7 · 26/12/2015 09:57

I wish Chorlton but that would start WW3! In laws are very aware of "tone" and very likely to fly off the handle or burst into tears.

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Chorltonswheelies422 · 26/12/2015 10:06

In that case, if I had to put up with that crap, had behave like a whipped dog and had no support from dh - I wouldn't even be going at all!

Original poster

Name7 · 26/12/2015 10:12

Been there, done that. I don't think I was behaving like a whipped dog. We had 9 months of no contact after the blow up over nephew. Only back for the sake of my children. Think new year maybe new start. H only gave me presents that I'd bought myself so that I wasn't embarrassed having both to open yesterday. He buys for his family now but that's taken many years. He also buys for his team at work. It's very hurtful watching the time and effort spent on others.

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lorelei9 · 26/12/2015 10:18

Why do you want your children to mix with horrible people?

Original poster

Name7 · 26/12/2015 10:34

I don't, but they're not always horrible. Quite possibly the last Christmas I'll be spending with them anyway.

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RedMapleLeaf · 26/12/2015 10:34

Only back for the sake of my children.

Can you just explain that a bit?

RedMapleLeaf · 26/12/2015 10:35

Hang on. You mean your husband didn't buy you any gifts? Who actually gave you a thoughtful present yesterday?

Original poster

Name7 · 26/12/2015 10:57

No one. I bought a few things from Amazon so I had something to open. The only people that buy or me are my parents and they usually get a joint thing like a clock. He did wrap the things I bought.
I have read toxic in laws and am much better at non reaction. I don't believe in laws have constant evil intent. Just very selfish.

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Chorltonswheelies422 · 26/12/2015 10:59

RedMapleLeaf · 26/12/2015 11:08

How do you feel about your husband not getting you something?

Original poster

Name7 · 26/12/2015 11:25

Not surprised. He's never been good. Had words a few years ago as I didn't want the children to think that it was ok but we're back to normal. I had a big birthday this year, he took me shopping but nothing to open, nothing from the kids. One of the many reasons I think it may be over for us. We had one telephone counselling session with Relate but nothing has changed. We got together as kids. I had zero self esteem but am starting to realise that I need to look to myself to improve this.

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BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 26/12/2015 11:30

I'm at my parents, who I love and are great. But it all gets a bit much. Luckily, I'm breastfeeding a new born, so I can escape upstairs for a time out pretty regularly. Who would of though constantly breastfeeding would be a sanity saver.

Lactation is a method I would recommend for those who arnt good at being around people constantly!

RedMapleLeaf · 26/12/2015 11:43

I asked because your husband's behaviour would be far more upsetting to me than the in-laws (who I'd just avoid in future and expect my husband to fully support that decision).

Original poster

Name7 · 26/12/2015 11:49

I agree Red realised that I can react to H's behaviour or realise nothing will change. The kids and I bought cards for him but as he didn't for us, they are just lying on the floor.

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Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 26/12/2015 11:50

Oh bless -
My best defence is - repeat back what they say - people never hear how they sound - and the ball is in their court to justify -
Oh you spent too much - I`ve spent too much? Eyebrow raise - their turn -
Works a treat with practice - as you have to get in quick!

Original poster

Name7 · 26/12/2015 11:57

I think that's it Sally along with "have we? Oh dear, never mind"

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