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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Coping with others

43 replies

Name7 · 25/12/2015 14:49

Merry Christmas all. We are lucky that today it's just immediate family but from tomorrow we are visiting relatives and friends. Do you have tips for coping with the needy (MIL) arrogant (FIL) patronising (BIL who has done ever much bigger and better than we ever have) ultra sensitive (sis and mil) etc etc.
My tip is to either drive or only have a small glass but make sure there's a bottle of something lovely for when we get home. I have learned to count to 10 before I talk now (once was heavily criticised for not being excited enough for Bil's presents from his wife) I know it's not worth getting into an argument, they just bring you down to their level and beat you with experience but how do you do it? Shall I start bingo??

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 26/12/2015 12:00

The kids and I bought cards for him but as he didn't for us, they are just lying on the floor.

I'm not sure I understand, why are they on the floor? Don't you and your husband send the same card to each child?

Original poster

Name7 · 26/12/2015 12:08

I meant for me. I sorted the dc's cards

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 26/12/2015 12:15

I'm still not clear what you mean about these cards. But it might not be important.

Original poster

Name7 · 26/12/2015 12:17

Sorry, he opened the cards from us and just put them on the floor by his chair, he's not put them up on display. I can only assume that it's because he didn't get one for me from him or the kids.

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 26/12/2015 12:19

What would happen if you were to say, "I think it would be nice for the children if you displayed our cards somewhere obvious, so they can see how pleased you are that we got you a card".

RedMapleLeaf · 26/12/2015 12:19

I can only assume that it's because he didn't get one for me from him or the kids.

Really? I think it's more likely he just doesn't value the cards.

Witchend · 26/12/2015 12:43

I'm hiding . I can hear noisy relation talking nonstop over everyone else and it's bad enough up here two floors away.

Original poster

Name7 · 26/12/2015 12:59

I think you're right Red . Wish me luck, I'm on my way

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 26/12/2015 13:13

I'd get the hell out in 2016

They are all toxic and really not worth you wasting you headspace on.

Hope you can stay reasonably low stress over the whole sorry bunch x

Original poster

Name7 · 26/12/2015 23:42

I did it, pretty unscathed. I epitomised serenity! Had glass of wine at home and ready for bed. Sleeping separately as H is poorly. Realise today that in laws speak more kindly than my H. Now that is saying something. I'm going to have to get my ducks in a row. It's quite overwhelming. My house is such a tip. The thought of sorting it before selling really worries me. Need to sell as we have a reasonable amount of equity but I can't take over all bills here. He was the higher earner whilst I did part time plus everything else. We do have a "cleaner" who is lovely but mainly sticks Hoover round and irons. I do everything else.

Sorry for brain dump but writing this down makes me realise what I need to do. H didn't come today by the way as he was poorly so I did it all on my own, yay me!

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 27/12/2015 07:23

Oh heck, well done OP, but this does sound a bit of a pickle of a relationship.

Original poster

Name7 · 27/12/2015 10:21

Pickle is right! I should have done this year's ago. I've been a doormat. Now need to be brave, and organised!

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 27/12/2015 17:35

get yourself to Relationships for moral support.

MNHQ

EmmanuelleMumsnet · 27/12/2015 20:34

We're going to move this to Relationships at the OP's request.

Original poster

Name7 · 27/12/2015 23:11

Thank you Emmanuelle

Ok day today which makes it difficult to think I'm going to cause so much heartache. He doesn't beat me. I'm not abused, he just doesn't appear to like me very much. Is this normal after 20 years together?

OP posts:

springydaffs · 27/12/2015 23:23

No it's not normal.

You're really unhappy. Which will affect the kids MUCH more than splitting up. I'm not saying divorce isn't often shit for the kids (how old are they?) but sometimes it's a relief even though it's sad for them.

Original poster

Name7 · 27/12/2015 23:39

5&8. Actually had a conversation yesterday with the eldest - her best friends parents split up a couple of years ago. They have remained very good friends it appears at least in public. They throw their kids parties together, sit together at nativity, come to parents evenings together. I said that sometimes parents can find that they're not treating each other kindly and its best that instead of bickering, they don't stay together. And that you must always have enough self respect to be with someone who treats you kindly. Just need to put this into action! It was eldest who brought the topic up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Name7 · 27/12/2015 23:41

You're really unhappy

Yes, this. A thousand times this!

OP posts:

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