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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Buying me new things controlling or not

76 replies

Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 12:01

Ok so he's bought me a new phone for Christmas which i wanted that cost a couple of hundred pounds and then yesterday evening i was meant to be going out for a family get together, so I phoned and asked him would it be ok to go out with family members and guess what the answer was NO your taking the piss yet i am 27 years old and have to ask his permission to go out only to be told NO i really have had enough and will be chatting to womans aid to get a safety plan put in place and also a foster place for my dog until i can get myself sorted and away from this horrible person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 13:41

Hi Pocketsaviour no the phone wasn't in the box it was already set up for me to use but his friend set the phone up not him so i don't think there would be any tracking devices on the phone, but i am getting my old one back tonight so will use that one for now.

OP posts:
GinIsTheBestChristmasSpirit · 21/12/2015 14:26

Unless the phone was given to you in a sealed box do not trust it. Use another phone you can trust and Google phone spyware. That will tell you how to find tracking etc on a phone. Run that on the "new" phone and see what comes up.

Get out asap. Keep on getting help and stay safe Thanks

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 14:29

Hi Ginls the phone was already set up so don't think there will be any tracking on there but i will be having the old phone back today so will be using that as a spare phone to make calls to Womans aid.

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/12/2015 14:29

the phone wasn't in the box it was already set up for me to use but his friend set the phone up not him so i don't think there would be any tracking devices on the phone

So he says.
Do you trust him?

Lweji · 21/12/2015 14:30

the phone was already set up so don't think there will be any tracking on there

More like: the phone was already set up so I would think there will probably be tracking software on there

Robotgirl · 21/12/2015 14:30

Hi Clarkey
I remember your old thread from a few weeks ago. It sounds like you're looking for more reassurance that leaving him is the right thing to do. You got some excellent advice from MNers last time. Read it all again. You can do this Thanks

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 14:59

Lweji i don't think that person would put tracking on the phone because he's not very good with phones at all to be honest can't really work a normal phone.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 15:01

Hi Robotgirl its just fear of not knowing how he will react when i leave as said earlier my family went out last night and i phoned to ask could i go out with them also his exact words were NO your taking the piss.

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/12/2015 15:10

Don't assume it's safe in relation to the phone. No matter what he says happened to the phone before he handed it out to you.

Take all his threats to the police. Get legal protection from him.

I have got away from someone who used threats on me and my son, later on my family as well. They were mostly that. Eventually he got convicted for his actions and for the threats.

Of course, you can't assume they are only threats, and you (and your family) should take steps to be safe. But, we can never be 100% safe from anything, and we cannot let fear rule our lives.

Checking other posts very quickly, you aren't even living with your children. Because of this man? That is really sad. You do have to stand up to him and walk away.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 15:18

I read on google how to find out if the phone has any tracker on it and can't see anything on the phone really, what threats were made by the person you got away from was there any physical violence in your relationship if you don't mind me asking.

OP posts:
Betrayedbutsurvived · 21/12/2015 15:22

If you unlock the phone using a fingerprint it sounds like an iPhone. When you say it was all set up for you, did that include the cloud? Because if it did, he can connect another device to that same account and see every single text, email, phone call and web site you visit.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 15:24

No there wasn't any information on the phone when i had it so i was able to put my iCloud information on the phone.

OP posts:
NA200712 · 21/12/2015 15:26

Is it an iPhone? If it is turn the location services off and also "where's my iPhone" just to be safe.

You obviously acknowledge that he's controlling and you do not want to be with him, do you have any family you can go and stay with while you get back on your feet? If he threatens you at all report it to the police. Unsure if its true that your not living with your children (just read something above) but if that's true that should be all the motivation you need to get away from this monster.

NA200712 · 21/12/2015 15:26

Also change your icloud password, he may secretly know it!

Lweji · 21/12/2015 15:31

There was some physical violence, during and after the relationship ended. Lots of threats (serious) via messages after it ended.

Save any threats you have in text or email, and, if possible, record any spoken ones. But, for those for which there is no evidence, your testimony, should it come to that, could also be taken seriously.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 15:37

My locations services are turned off on my phone and can't see find my iPhone on the phone anyway either, no one know my iCloud password only myself and as for reporting it there isn't any point as its only threats he haven't actually been physically violent towards me.

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/12/2015 15:39

Threats are still considered domestic violence.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 15:40

He does say a lot of threats towards me like if i leave and he cannot find me then he will hurt my family he has threatened to slash my dads car tyres and also run his car off the road when he's driving it and also other threats towards me as well, i cannot record them on my phone as he would check to see if i had a phone on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 15:41

Yes i know threats are considered as domestic violence but if he found out i told the anyone about his threats he would be very angry.

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/12/2015 15:43

It worked out well for me when I left, because at some point I refused to talk to him or answer the phone. His need to threaten me was so great that he actually sent them in writing.

You cannot know what he will do until you leave.

WishICouldFlyAway · 21/12/2015 15:43

Clarkey, have you reported his threats to the police? He seems to believe he's your owner - he's not.

Lweji · 21/12/2015 15:45

If you tell people about the threats when you leave, then he can be angry what he likes. Particularly when the police comes by and when he is served with legal orders to stay away from you.

At the very least keep a record with dates of what he said and when, so that you can refer back to it.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 15:46

No i haven't really told anyone about the threats he's made towards me only Womans aid that's it

OP posts:
Marchate · 21/12/2015 15:46

First thing I thought was tracking/spying apps.

Never accept a phone/computer/iPad from a controlling partner

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 15:47

I don't know if he will carry out his threats or not if i leave him and that's what worries me because he said he will hurt my family as well as me.

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