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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Buying me new things controlling or not

76 replies

Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 12:01

Ok so he's bought me a new phone for Christmas which i wanted that cost a couple of hundred pounds and then yesterday evening i was meant to be going out for a family get together, so I phoned and asked him would it be ok to go out with family members and guess what the answer was NO your taking the piss yet i am 27 years old and have to ask his permission to go out only to be told NO i really have had enough and will be chatting to womans aid to get a safety plan put in place and also a foster place for my dog until i can get myself sorted and away from this horrible person.

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Clarkey2345 · 23/12/2015 23:01

Thanks Jux there's been a lot of great advice on here

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Jux · 23/12/2015 17:27

Good. Small steps to independence and freedom, Clarkey. Note everything. If you're unsure about anything, ask here. Flowers

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Clarkey2345 · 23/12/2015 15:45

hi jux i made a note that i asked his permission to go out for the family meal only to be told no i wasent going and that i was taking the piss.

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Clarkey2345 · 23/12/2015 15:38

Hi amarmai he bought me a new phone because i wanted a new one for christmas.

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DollyTwat · 21/12/2015 23:51

Op I track my ds using Find my Friends
But he's 10 and I like to see where he is if he's walking home from school

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Florene · 21/12/2015 23:46

And you can also email Welsh Government DV helpline:

[email protected]

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Florene · 21/12/2015 23:41

Alternatively this is the number for Vale of Glamorgan Police Domestic Abuse Unit

01446 746988

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Florene · 21/12/2015 23:37

I appreciate that it's not supposed to be used to report crime. But if you use it to ask for help, they will respond. They'd rather hear from someone in need via this medium than not at all.

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Florene · 21/12/2015 23:34

On your last thread I advised you to call 101 to request help from police DV unit. I'm guessing you haven't done that.

It seems that you are more able to post online than make calls, so I've posted the link above for you to use to request help.

Please do so.

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Florene · 21/12/2015 23:32
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Intheprocess · 21/12/2015 23:30

Thinking about it, definitely do a factory reset. No point taking an necessary risk.

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Intheprocess · 21/12/2015 23:24

OP, I'm hoping that the phone is OK, BUT the absolute minimum anyone who is worried about their iPhone's security should do is go to these settings:

Settings > iCloud
Settings > Mail, Contacts, Calendars
Settings > iTunes & App Store
Settings > Messages > Send & Receive
Settings > FaceTime

And check that they either have no Apple ID or your own Apple ID. Next, if Google Maps is installed, check it's either not signed in or that it's signed in with your own Google account.

Even if all is well, I'd still do a factory reset myself. Photos can be copied to a PC via a cable before you do this. www.digitaltrends.com/photography/best-ways-get-photos-iphone/ If you need the WiFi details to get back up and running they should be written on the side or bottom of your Virgin / Sky / whatever WiFi box.

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Jux · 21/12/2015 19:19

Clarkey, seriously make notes of the threats. Buy a small notebook and write down the things he says, with the date (and time if you can). A contemporary record is very powerful. Make the first thing you write be that you asked to go shopping with your family and were not given permission, along with yesterday's date ( it was yesterday, wasn't it?).

So what if he's never been violent. He threatens violence often, and that's enough to keep you scared and obedient. That's why threats are taken seriously.

Please make that record. It really will help you.

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Marchate · 21/12/2015 18:53

Yes good point amarmai. If the old phone has been anywhere other than in your own possession, it's probably not safe either.
OP, I realise you doubt us but seriously, don't use those phones. Go to a pay phone. Use the computer in a public library. You are likely being monitored. Even if you think we're wrong, act as if we're right!
If you have any money at all, buy a cheap basic phone for private calls.
If you are posting from the phone or a computer he has bought, he already knows what we're advising you to do

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amarmai · 21/12/2015 18:42

hi op , where was your old phone- as you say you are getting it back? Why wd you lose info on the old phone ? It does not disappear info on its own. Why did he give you a new phone if you already had one? Whose idea was the new phone? I agree with pps who think the new phone is for controlling you thru spying. Are you using it to connect with MN? All your passwords need to be changed after you take your phone to a store that sells them and have it checked.

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Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 18:26

I had iCloud on my last phone and when i got a new phone lost all my numbers and everything and photos etc

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NA200712 · 21/12/2015 16:23

If you have icloud they will all be backed up

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Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 16:17

I cannot factory reset the phone because then it takes off all my contacts photos etc

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Marchate · 21/12/2015 16:14

If nothing else, at least Factory Reset it. Spying apps are well hidden. Nothing visible and apparently difficult to remove.
I wouldn't use it except to phone & text him. Maybe the occasional call to make a dental appt or something to show you are using it.
And watch out for him knowing something you are certain you didn't tell him

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Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 16:04

It was set up just you have to connect to wi-fi to be able to get the phone up and running when you first buy the iPhone there weren't any details or app installed on the phone.

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Marchate · 21/12/2015 15:55

It was out the box and set up = it probably has a spying app installed.

It only takes the person to purchase a dodgy app, not technical knowledge of phones. It's not like a bug hidden in a lamp socket or whatever used to count as bugging. Easy peasy apparently. I only know this from a thread weeks ago where someone's partner was recording her while she was at home and he was at work! The recording was activated simply by him texting her

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Footle · 21/12/2015 15:53

Are you using the new phone for this thread ?

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Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 15:51

Womans aid have given some great advice they want me to pop into there local office to get a safety plan put in place but with him checking on me it will make it difficult to go into there office and speak with them about a safety plan.

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Clarkey2345 · 21/12/2015 15:49

Yes i have told Womans aid about the things he's said to me and the names he's called me also the threats he's made.

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NA200712 · 21/12/2015 15:49

Isn't this even more proof that you need to get out of this? He might not have actually touched you but this is still abuse! Speak to women's aid and I'm sure they will have some good advice.

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