How can I behave ethically here?

[CherryPicking]

My marriage ended badly, and to be honest I really am off men for the time being. Gay would be overstating it, but certainly would prefer my next relationship to be with a woman, I think.

Anyway, recently I get the feeling a very nice bloke is interested (literally the 4th person to show any interest since my marriage ended). I really like him as a friend, and could do with all the friends I can get right now. I've dropped hints about my sexuality but as a bisexual its true you have to keep on coming out, I find. And for me its not as simple as being open to either sex - its all about the chemistry I have with an individual, and I'm at a stage where that happens more with women than with men. I guess, for me, sexual fluidity is very real - I've felt 100% straight and 100% gay at various points in my life.

I guess I've flirted a bu, but I do tend to do that with lots of people. In my experience men who start off liking me in a romantic sense don't tend to want to be friends with me when I've said it can't be more than that. Maybe because I've been ambiguous and enjoyed the attention and they feel I've been disingenuos.

Hi Cherry. How are you?

Erm.....what was the question? Thread seems to have taken a diversion through sarky wood

Cherry, I agree that flirting doesn't necessarily point to a come on. Some people are just natural flirts, but it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with sexual desire. Problem is, not everyone is like that and this is when things can get mixed up.

Maybe just gradually tone it down??...

Cherry it depends what is involved in the flirting?

I think it's a general common occurrence that when men find out you are not interested in having a sexual relationship with them they dump you as a friend. It's pretty sad and did lead me in my youth to go out with men I didn't fancy just because I didn't want to lose their friendship.

But at the end of the day you've got to be yourself and be honest. I'm sure there are lots of reasons to like you and just concentrate on the people you take the time to get to know you.

Thanks IBS, sounds like you've made your peace with the whole thing. I suppose I am quite serious at heart (thinking of the man deep, profound and important things of consequence which have so enraged previous posters on this thread ;-) so maybe I overcompensate to try to avoid being dull all the time?

Actually, a lot of men would be happy to be friends with women who can keep the friendship friendly and not step over the flirty, or controlling boundaries. Its not as much whether they fancy you, more whether you might change your mind and cheat on your partner with them, or give the impression you would to his actual love interest. If your idea of flirting is smiling and wearing a short skirt, fine. If it's squeezing up against him, patting his chest, pinching his bum (or vice versa) or making a lot of references to sex, then at some point he might choose to not introduce you to a new girlfriend. Then what is it? Not really friendship in my book.

CherryPicking. Fuck it. Embrace the dullness, I say!

"And goddess putting sexual fluidity in inverted commas is quite a disparaging thing to do. Are you saying my subjective experience of my own sexuality is something you're sceptical about? Do you know something about me that I don't?"

As with the above paragraph, I used quotation marks to highlight the fact that I am quoting your own words, Cherry.

However, having further said that you are "thinking of the man" may I suggest you consider OLD sites where an ad on the lines of 'Sexually fluid doer and thinker of no great consequence seeks meaningful/less relationship with member of same or opposite sex' is likely to produce a selection of interested parties with whom you can flirt to your loins heart's content.

Try to lighten up, honey. No-one here is "enraged" with you and in the grand scheme of things it would be of no great consequence if they were, would it?

The ethics of the situation seem pretty simple and straightforward. Don't knowingly flirt with a man if you have no romantic interest in him -- to do otherwise is rather like lying. And even the most enlightened man really isn't going to feel like being your buddy if he puts himself out there due to your flirtatious behavior and then is told that you are preferring women at the moment or whatever reason it is that you're not feeling him. Leading someone on just for your own personal satisfaction in any event is ethically dodgy. It's only in fiction that the suitor is willing to play the part of the platonic, long-suffering friend to his lady.

You're bring disingenuous goddess. There's a surprise

poorfanny you make it sound like any form of lighthearted banter with a man amounts to an unwritten contract to sleeping with him! No wonder so many rape defence cases have been built on the premise that the woman 'led him on' or the underage girl 'knew what she was doing' where are the feminist pub regulars when you need 'em? And as previously mentioned, flirting is not necessarily sexual.

Also, as a bisexual, the logical extension of that argument would be that I'm not allowed to flirt with anyone, ever, unless I'm already 100% sure I want to sleep with them! That doesn't strike me as much of a way to live! andimayhavebrokenthisruleseveraltimeslastnight

And I . Not sure who Andi might be!

You asked about the ethics of it, and I told you. And you yourself used the expression flirting in your OP not lighthearted banter, which is a different thing. Your question was regarding men remaining friends after realizing that you are not interested in them in a romantic way after you have flirted with them and felt that you many have been a little disingenuous. Your own words. I see now the agenda you're really wanting to get at with your post and really, really wish I hadn't wasted my time. Banter away, OP! I'm out.

Paranoid fanny. I posted because I care about the guy and don't want to hurt him. Simple as that. - don't invent imaginary agendas to cover your own arse.

Sorry Cherry but it looks like you're the one trying to cover your own flirting arse after the fact. If you don't want to hurt someone, you don't flirt with them and then tell them you don't like them that way, then continue flirting with them while expecting a platonic relationship. Grow up.

Cherry, you don't have to answer this of course but have you recently discovered your bi side ?

It's just you also have another current thread where it seems you just want to talk about how deliciously difficult it is to negotiate all this stuff

Are you like a kid in a candy shop right now ?

If you have accidentally led someone on, the right thing to do is put them straight. And the sooner the better, if you want to be friends.

Sexuality, whether settled or not, is a red herring on this question if looked at on a fundamental level.

Ah yeah, AF we bisexuals are all greedy, self indulgent hedonistic clichés of decadence. Quick, make for the nearest exit before I run my hand up your thigh in a suggestive manner!

And actually, my other thread was a moan about how online dating is a damp squib, especially where dating women is involved. Nothing 'delicious' about it - its just plain difficult. And cross referencing threads on here is equally tedious...

'Tedious' seems to be the word of the moment when someone doesn't like the way a thread is going.

Yes. You are out for a scrap.

And take you blatant biphobia with you!

Clearly MNHQ thinks some posters are more worthy of protection than othrrs. Poopp has just called me tedious and unpleasant. That's a personal attack on my character! Are you doing to delete it?!!!!

@CherryPicking

Clearly MNHQ thinks some posters are more worthy of protection than othrrs. Are you doing to delete it?!!!!

hi there,
To clarify, we delete personal attacks that are REPORTED. We don't believe any posters are more worthy of "protection" than others
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Peace and love.