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Original poster

How can I behave ethically here?

81 replies

CherryPicking · 20/12/2015 20:09

My marriage ended badly, and to be honest I really am off men for the time being. Gay would be overstating it, but certainly would prefer my next relationship to be with a woman, I think.

Anyway, recently I get the feeling a very nice bloke is interested (literally the 4th person to show any interest since my marriage ended). I really like him as a friend, and could do with all the friends I can get right now. I've dropped hints about my sexuality but as a bisexual its true you have to keep on coming out, I find. And for me its not as simple as being open to either sex - its all about the chemistry I have with an individual, and I'm at a stage where that happens more with women than with men. I guess, for me, sexual fluidity is very real - I've felt 100% straight and 100% gay at various points in my life.

I guess I've flirted a bu, but I do tend to do that with lots of people. In my experience men who start off liking me in a romantic sense don't tend to want to be friends with me when I've said it can't be more than that. Maybe because I've been ambiguous and enjoyed the attention and they feel I've been disingenuos.

OP posts:
blindsider · 21/12/2015 09:36

Yes of course I am brittle, as my life isn't full of enormously consequential thoughts and actions - I'm bereft...

DoreenLethal · 21/12/2015 09:38

You might place no value in gardening, but that's your subjective opinion.

I place alot of value in gardening - it's my business. What I don't do is to make it look like I am the most important cog in the wheel. I am not. I just fiddle at the edges and let nature do the work.

paulapompom · 21/12/2015 09:43

Cherry I think to behave ethically just tell the truth and be open with him. As you say, your feelings have changed as years have passed, you may want a relationship with this/a man in the future. I don't think its for you to second guess what he wants, but if he asks you out/indicates he wants a relationship, be honest and let him know you want a friendship but not more. Think that's all you can do really. X

Original poster
CherryPicking · 21/12/2015 11:27

Good for you, Doreen I guess the food it puts in your belly and and the roof it keeps over your head are the rather important consequences of what you do. And if you don't think they're important you could always get a second opinion from someone homeless or starving.

OP posts:
Original poster
CherryPicking · 21/12/2015 11:28

bilndsider that sounds tough. Maybe you could start your own thread for support?

OP posts:
Original poster
CherryPicking · 21/12/2015 11:36

I do rather like the way this thread has morphed into a sarky Socratic dialogue. (How's that for humble and self effacing?!)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/12/2015 11:52

you do appear to have courted such a "dialogue" cherry

was that your intention ?

SirChenjin · 21/12/2015 11:59

Dear god - ethcially?? Grin

Just get on with it (ethically), and tell him you like him as a friend - and stop flirting with people you don't fancy, unless you feel you have to validate yourself in this way. I suspect that you'll discover that your sexuality won't be nearly as interesting to others as you think it will.

WhoJazz · 21/12/2015 12:00

No idea why people are being so rude to the op. She was only responding to the odd comments.
Cherry I have been in the situation many times of being ditched as a friend when I didn't want more. In my opinion it is the ditcher who behaves unethically.
I would continue the friendship, toning down the flirting. You are doing nothing wrong.

Original poster
CherryPicking · 21/12/2015 12:04

Thanks WhoJazz. Sorry you got ditched. I guess toning it down and not responding to his every message is probably a good start. Whilst still being friendly...

OP posts:
Original poster
CherryPicking · 21/12/2015 12:05

anyfuvker no, my intention was to express myself.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 21/12/2015 12:07

Do your worst, AF Grin

Original poster
CherryPicking · 21/12/2015 12:11

SirChenjn flirting doesn't always have to be sexual, lots of research on this if you Google.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 21/12/2015 12:26

No thanks - I really cba. You could, however, build that into your future flirtatious conversations, just so they know. You could even take along an ipad and suggest that you both google together. Or print off the research and show them. You might find them backing away slowly as a result, but that would be OK.

Original poster
CherryPicking · 21/12/2015 12:32

What are you, some kind of virtual henchman, SirChenjin? Egging another poster on because you don't have the wit to handle it yourself? Nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
CherryPicking · 21/12/2015 12:34

Oh xpost. Not a great effort, but at least you had a go, eh?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 21/12/2015 12:37

Well, that escalated quickly Xmas Confused

SirChenjin · 21/12/2015 12:38

Just not quick enough there, were you Grin

ohYestoYestyn · 21/12/2015 12:38

I think it was obvious that OP meant 'doing thing of great consequence' to HERSELF, not the whole world. But the thread spiralled into who knows what!

The actual communal answer to O's question, which she accepted, took all of a few lines!

IrritableBitchSyndrome · 21/12/2015 12:39

I can't help connecting your remarks with being a flirtatious person with feeling people don't want you as a friend. Do you flirt because you think people won't like you if you don't? If you stopped flirting, people might get to know you and like you anyway Smile

ohYestoYestyn · 21/12/2015 12:41

it''s quite amusing to read though, the sarky catfight, luckily OP has a sense of humour.

Original poster
CherryPicking · 21/12/2015 12:52

Keep working on that wit SirChenj

IBS (lovely acronym) I don't know if it's connected. To me, flirting is just a normal part of communication. It's just a lightheartedness of communication, isnt it?

OP posts:
rumred · 21/12/2015 12:56

Flirting is generally received as a come on. You need to accept that and adjust your behaviour accordingly if you want different responses from people.

IrritableBitchSyndrome · 21/12/2015 13:00

CherryPicking it was for me for a long time. Looking back it caused lots of trouble and came from a place of deep insecurity and thinking I had to flirt to be interesting. That's me though... might be totally healthy and fun for you and lots of other people! Not judging at all, just expressing a passing thought Smile Also I might just be too old to be bothered with flirting now and cbfa!

TotalConfucius · 21/12/2015 13:07

I think you've said above that you feel that the chemistry between you is, on your side, more that of friendship than sexual. Therefore where does your sexuality come into the equation? You may have given another human being the wrong impression. Therefore you either make pointed remarks to put them back on track 'That bloke asked me on a date, but I am so not interested in any kind of sexual relationship with anyone at all' or you come clean and say 'I need to have a deep meaningful discussion with you as I feel you expect our friendship to develop into a sexual relationship and we're not going there'.
It's not rocket science. Male or female, you like them as a friend and that's all. So make that clear and hope they can adjust their expectations.