Young children and husbands.

[BusyCee]

Before I go on I don't really know why I'm posting, other than desperation really.

I've got 3 DCs, the eldest is just 5 and the youngest is 11wks. It's really hard, obviously, I knew it would be. Don't have parents or family to help out, although oldest is at school and middle goes to CM a couple of times a week

But I'm so bastard bastard tired. I've had 10hrs sleep in the last 48, as a result of a combination of baby not settling in the evening, wrapping Christmas presents, cooking (to feed and advance prep for Christmas). We've had family guests last night and this eve, then I have my sole Christmas event on Monday (for which I have to get ready with the DCs creating their usual havoc, drop the oldest two with sitters, take youngest (and probably BF all eve) and then leave early to collect, all the while having not had a drink because a) in BFing and b) I'll be driving), then I have to do a late night supermarket shop because I failed to book a delivery slot early enough. The children won't give a shit about Christmas really and DH is usually grumpy for some reason I haven't yet got to the bottom of (but it happens every single bastard year). I love Christmas but know there isn't anyone who really gives enough of a shit/takes any responsibility to do anything to make it enjoyable for me. If I want to 'do' a tradition I have to sort and then try to grit my teeth and bloody force myself to enjoy amidst the endless complaints bickering and whining.

I had hoped that the youngest two would be asleep while DH toon eldest to a friends for an hour or so, so I could get some rest. But guess what? The baby woke as he was leaving, I know she won't sleep if I put her down now, and sure enough she feeds, goes to sleep on the boob, but wakes the second I move her. So I can sleep.

Had a grumpy face a big sigh and a minor strop as DH was leaving and his response? 'This is the way our life is. You just have to get to used it'. It ENRAGES me to the point where I just wanted to scream and storm out. I feel so disempowered and utterly lacking in control. I talked to him on Friday about going back to work at the end of Jan for 8hrs a wk, just to give myself some space. But he thinks baby is too young for the CM and doesn't want to give her formula. For the same reason he's just about to veto my night out with the girls in Jan. He thinks I should express milk for her...but I just don't get on with it can't bear the final physical indignity of being an actual dairy cow. He points out that others do it and just can't or won't comprehend that I just don't want to do it.

Fuck fuck I could go on and on and on and on. There so much inequity between us at the moment. He can't understand why I'm so frustrated and angry and I think he just criticises me all the time. I don't think he cuts me enough slack given what I'm doing at the moment...in fact I don't think he's grateful or respectful of it.

Maybe I wonder why, given this whole thing ^^ is such a bloody cliche, men and women keep having this experience. What can I practically do to make it better? I love him and want it to be ok. But right now I could cheerfully actually murder him.

mixed feeding was a blessing. ex tried to prevent me from introducing formula.... it was not pretty and there may have been several neighbours wincing at the swear words I uttered... cracked nipples chewed bruised areola
used to take sterilised bottle clean scissors and box of milk to bed..

OP, I was responding to Hermoine.

Your partner/husband should be absolutely supporting you, and doing it because he loves you and wants to help you when you need it most. It's done without him thinking he needs to be 'paid back' in anyway.

And to those reading, there is the antithesis of those men who do nothing/lazy manchilds.

The men that make you feel inadequate. He's done the washing up ta da!, he's prepared the bottles, so he can help with the feeding ta da!, changed nappies ta da!, wiped down the surfaces ta da!. ("Oh you didn't go out to the shops to buy a loaf of bread? I'll go then") All whilst you are struggling to come to terms with giving birth and coping with the changes to your life/body, trying to establish feeding, bonding, some semblance of normality and a routine again. And trying to feed and look after other young children. Everything is a competition with the man who is the antithesis of a lazy manchild. Heaven help you if you don't meet their expectations.

Garlic - you're spot on. And I agree that when you're in the thick of a particularly stressful time it's harder for everyone to behave with full honours.

Cake - I am a twat! I invited them and insisted 'of course it's no problem! It'll be lovely to see you! No it won't be any trouble at all - it's Christmas!'. I have form for taking on too much, forging through/coping with gritted teeth, not allowing anyone to help and then going from 'I'm breezily fine' to 'argh, I'm going to die' in no time

(It's possible I should let this lie, rather than post...!)

Skimmed the thread, and although DH to bicker when both tired, I've got no intention of cooking Xmas Dinner, writing Xmas cards, organising meet-ups with family. If he suggests it I say, "that's a good idea why don't YOU do it?"

I couldn't do this without him, I'm 34 weeks with DC3, and although I'm very tired and been awake since midnight doing chores cos I can't sleep and the kids are not under my feet, I know when they get up I can slink off to bed for a bit and he can just get on with running the household. He has the day off.

We have to take it in turns to have good and bad nights sleep. He does work and is gone 12+ hours a day, When baby is here he will get the others up, make us all a packed lunch and get dinner out of the freezer. I've even written out a daily task list for both of us so we can work on autopilot whilst we are sleep deprived and not functioning properly.

But anyway you are not superwoman and I have learnt to stop trying to be. Get your DH to step up, if you don't ask I doubt he'll volunteer.

It doesn't really matter whether formula is a silver bullet breadwidow. The point is that OP wants to introduce it and is unable to do so because she's afraid of the argument with her DH. She's also having her night out 'vetoed' unless she'll express, which she hates. This is unbelievably awful whatever OPs reasons for wanting to use formula are, and the same would be exactly true if OP was afraid to breastfeed for fear of the response and being barred from going on nights out unless she used formula. This post said it best:

^
A husband with "opinions" about whether you're allowed to work, socialise, or stop breastfeeding isn't treating you as a human.^

I repeat OP they're not all this like this, this behaviour goes way beyond the common complaints about partners not stepping up, it's not ok.

Wifework is a good book to read, if only to understand why women are so fucking tired all the time. Good to send your husbands way too, to get him to realise what's going on.

BUT really, I think this is the most tenous time to suggest an OP read the book and start commenting with all that "lazy man" crap.

They have 3 kids, one is only 3 months. They are both going to be exhausted, struggling and in survival mode. I think the worst thing you can do for your marriage/partnership is to spend too much time analysing what's going on now and behave as though it speaks of the rest of your relationship and family life. Just try and be kind to each other, drop your standards for anything non-essential (including breast feeding) and get through it. Just don't forget to renegotiate roles as time moves on and baby is less solely dependent on you.

aspergallus- absolutely!
OP you are in the eye of the storm right now, sleep deprivation is absolute torture and I remember the almost overwhelming anger at my DP as he lay snoring while I was literally crying with exhaustion.

What eventually worked for me was going back to work and getting back that feeling of equality. Short term I made the mistake of Falling into martyr mode and the competitive tiredness was very damaging for our relationship.

You will be fine- you love each other and although your DP is being crap right now, it sounds like he is not always crap! (High praise indeed what I mean is, take it easy on yourself- look after yourself, this too shall pass. Does your DP get a decent Christmas break where he can ramp up what he does, you can get a sleep and then you can have a chat to see what could change to help everyone?
Don't feel the need to defend yourself against all the accusations and LTB- life is (short term) tough enough for you right now without doubting the very foundations, if it is otherwise ok.

You need to try and get sleep. Dh did all day time childcare and then worked a full time anti-social hours job around the baby. I still constantly had arguments with him calling him lazy. It is just because you are both tired.

I got some sleep! Dc3 and I went to sleep at 1030, she woke at 4, and then again at 7. I feel restored. Much more clear headed.

I've just filled a trolley with pre-prepped food for Christmas, and have had a good lunch of leaves, protein and carbs - better than much of the shite I've shoveled in in passing over the last week or so. I have the semi-stressful - semi-enjoyable 'do' this eve, then it's batten down the hatches, be kind and enjoy each moment for what it is until the NY, when DC3 will have changed again and we can discuss how we go on so we both enjoy as much as we can - as the eye of the storm passes.

Thanks for all your words. Reassurance and food for thought.

Well done OP

agree that OP should have final say over how she feeds her baby, if she wants to introduce formal she should . . . maybe i was being kind to her DH but I wondered if him not allowing her was actually him trying to help her see where her priorities lay . . . let me explain, when I was super sleep deprived with both DS and DD I said, that's it, I am giving a bottle. DH knew I didnt mean this and encouraged me to think about why I was bf and what my aims were. Having said that he didn't say you are not allowed, in fact he also offered to go out and get the formula, so maybe I was being too kind. But all men say things that they don't mean / get misdirected when sleep deprived. My DH once said when I was moaning about being tired 'you chose to bf' even though he was fully engaged in that choice and knows many ff babies who also sleep badly.

I think you probably are being a bit too kind there breadwidow yes. Can't see any reason to distinguish between men's and women's behaviour when sleep deprived either. Humans generally are not at our best when exhausted, but most new fathers don't bully their partners into feeding in a certain way. This is not normal or acceptable behaviour.

But glad you got some kip anyway OP. That's got to make things seem much easier today.

Well done and enjoy the evening.

I saw this and thought of you, BC.

Glad things are feeling less chaotic today.

Onwards and upwards and hope the sensible conversation with your dh happens soon and you get ever more sleep

Garlic - love it!