Dire relationship with ex after family court proceedings... advice please

[mummytippy]

Please advise on the following...

After approx 18 months of family court proceedings the acromony between my ex partner and myself has reached breaking point and I'm emotionally exhausted by all that has gone on.

We've been communicating through email (so that there's evidence) only over vital things as my ex was controlling and abusive (the reason I split from him). He now tries to control me through our ds. We split up 7 years ago.

2 weeks ago I sent him a proposal for next years holidays for contact and holidays and also Xmas arrangements etc (as outlined and directed in the court order). Naively I thought he'd come back agreeing with most of the dates and just say a few dates needed to be changed, but he rejected it all. He claimed I was dictating and interpreting the order to suit myself when I wasn't but he did not propose any dates himself. Instead he threatened me with Court action and told a Cafcass officer that he would obstruct me collecting our dc from him on Boxing Day after Xmas if he could not collect our ds from school yesterday.

I contacted the Court and we had to have a hearing to agree the arrangements for Xmas and the next year. It was extremely difficult and he had his solicitor with him. I represented myself. Both he and his solictitor have bullying natures.

The Judge talked to us and confirmed weekends are to be suspended when school breaks up which I found frustrating as this will interfere with the weekends I'm to spend with my son. As part of the Order we alternate weekends. My ex had our dc last weekend. My last weekend with him being the 5th & 6th Dec so I was looking forward to this weekend with my dc as I'm not collecting him until Boxing Day morning. I felt my proposal for Xmas contact was a better split of the time.

On the morning before Court I noticed my dc had a red eye, like the start of conjunctivitis. He has been suffering with an extremely chesty cold for the last 10 days. I therfore made a doctors appointment for after school as over the counter meds haven't shifted it. My ds said his eye was sore so I reassured him by telling him I'd make a doctors appointment appointment for him.

We attended Court and in view of alternate weekends being suspended upon the break up of school, the Judge said his father was to collect our dc from school yesterday. I was expecting him to collect him tom eve (Sunday)). As I thought this was to be the start of his Xmas contact (at the end of my contact weekend). My dc also had a piano lesson arranged half an hour after school and then his Cubs Xmas party 6.30pm - 8pm. The docs appoint was to be sandwiched between the two.

The Judge was made aware of the half hour piano lesson, docs appointment and the Cubs Xmas party. The Judge recommended our dc attend his piano lesson and to see what the condition of his eye was after coming out from school. If still not cleared up he was to attend the doctors appointment but after that it was for his father 'to take the lead' on whether he should attend his Cubs party. I was disappointed that the Judge in view of the arrangements our dc was anticipating attending, that he did not suggest my ex collecting our ds today (eg, split the difference on each of our expectations when contact would start) so I could simply take him to these arranged activities. My exs solicitor actually launched into a very personal attack outside Court accusing me of arranging these activities (including the doctors appointment) as a 'manipulation tactic'!!! His solicitor said my ex could take our ds to a doctor in his contact time. I stressed it was better he see his own doctor and I'd taken the last appointment. I was cross he had no regard towards the best intersts of my dc!

My point to all this in giving so much background is that my ex agreed at Court to what the Judge said but then he did not follow through. This has not been the first time he has gone back on his word and I'm exhausted by his lies, attitude but importamntly how much it confuses and upsets our son.

So, the the Judge ruled my ex collect our ds from school, he attend his piano lesson and the doctors appointment and to the see how much our ds wanted to go to the Cubs Xmas party. I obv knew the answer to the latter and had already told the Judge this. Our ds had baked some biscuits the night before to take to the party. My ex left Court saying contact school, tell them I'm coming (which I did) and that he'd meet me at my house with regard to everything else.

My ex was then 30 mins late so had his gf text me half an hour before school out to ask me to arrange to collect our ds from school and wait at home. 10 mins later still no sign so I cancelled the piano lesson because I didn't feel it would go down too well if I was not at home with our ds when he arrived.

When he did arrive I advised our ds's eye was worse (redder) and on looking at it our dc's eye, he played it down. My ds said it was sore but my ex said 'it will be okay' and he'd monitor it. I said it had already deteriorated since the morning. He would have none of it despite me suggesting we all go to the doctors (in separate vehicles) just for peace of mind and to have our ds's chest checked too. My ex said he would prefer to just get going homeand would take our ds to a doctor in his area. He assured me he would and only because he assured me he would I was pressured into saying goodbye until Boxing Day to our ds. I rang the surgery and cancelled the appointment explaing the situ.

With regard to the Cubs party he simply told our ds he could not go as it would be too late getting back to his area... but then said it's not a school night so they could watch films until late... My son was clearly disappointed but said nothing despite his counter offer.

This morning, I emailed my ex to see which doctor he'd taken him to and what the outcome was and he told me hadnt taken him and it appeared to be fine. It was not fine yesterday and I'm really cross at myself that I did not insist on taking our ds to our local surgery to the appointment I'd made.

I'm so furious with my ex as he agreed to do this and has not. He was also arrogant towards me in attitude with regards to the agreed contact schedule of which I'd said I'd send him a re-worked schedule based on what we'd agreed... but then he had his gf send one via his email account 30 mins after leaving Court.

Any advise on how to go forwards would be grately appreciated. Thank you in advance.

one thing though with conjunctivitis. one child ended up at the hospital as it was so bad. (eye clinic) took the other one with what looked like the same and got asked why I was bothering the dr... you never know the response from the medics.

as to emails. ask him in emails . if he refuses to answerthen record that as well.

Sorry -

Don't send him a detailed map of what will wind you up. Ie don't send him comms instructing him to do this or that - they will be his crib sheet. He will directly lift from it.

Best to give very very little away. As little as possible. Ds has a sore eye? Don't mention it - ds is capable of mentioning it himself. Let ex do some parenting without hovering over him. Yes he's a shit to you (and uses ds to be a shit to you) but if you step RIGHT back he will probably get on with parenting. You just have to back off to see.

Never ever show any emotion. Hurt/sad/angry/excited/pleased/frightened behind a blackout curtain as far as ex is concerned. He's relishing winding you up and youre handing him the tools on a plate. Don't write emotion eg 'i'm disappointed that...'. Talk in micro statements, precis comms right back, then pare back even more. Don't give him one whiff of what you really feel.

All this wouldn't be necessary if you are dealing with a normal person - but you aren't and that's that.

I would suggest that everytime he replies with "If you want to know then phone me", you send the same thing back.

"Further to my email of 23 December 2015, I will not be contacting you by phone. Please email or text your reply to [insert enquiry here] "

Every single time he doesnt reply is another little bit of evidence you have the next time he takes you to court. Keep a full paper trail and FYI, use a web based email so you can access them when and wherever.

Keep the faith x

Sorry to hear of your troubles OP. There's no doubt that he is being wholly unreasonable and selfish, however your situation is unfortunately a common one. The problem is he is free to exercise his parental responsibility however he likes while your DS is in his care, whether it be Cubs or piano lessons, and his behaviour is clearly making you feel emotionally drained. The court view this as a trivial issue and generally hold the opinion that parents should work it out for themselves.

As others have said, the only guaranteed way of resisting let downs for your DS is to arrange activities on days you are certain you have care of him despite how inconvenient that may be. Likewise with doctors, he has equal PR and decides for the child whether he should go to the doctors. Your only hope there is to photograph the ailment and provide evidence that despite the pain he failed to take medical advice and therefore not acting in the boys best interests. However, it would have to be a serious infection and not just a bit of a red eye for this to be taken seriously, and you have to ask yourself, what will I gain from this? - the court will not order the dad to take DS to appointments you have made or oblige him to make appointments.

From what you have said, there is very little here to justify going back to court at the moment. If it did, I would predict that the court would view you as controlling and overzealous and this would be advocated by the solicitor. Frantically calling Cafcass isn't going to assist, it will be viewed as you being implacably hostile to the father. The legitimate risk here is if it returns to court he may be granted more contact and therefore he will be able to exert more control over you, so I would suggest you avoid this recourse for as long as humanly possible.

I know it's very frustrating and very very unfair, but that is the situation. The good news is the age of your son, you have weathered the worst over the past few years I think. As the child approaches 11 (roughly) Cafcass will place more importance on what his wishes and feelings are with regard to the arrangements for him. As someone has said, as he gets older he is soon going to lose patience with dad ruining his social plans.

The best advice I can give is to get a specialist family solicitor. The attitude of the court and the other solicitor will soon change towards you, this is absolutely shit but litigants in person always get the harsh end of family proceedings. If you are in Wales send me a PM and I will source you some free legal advice if you would like.

Yes I agree, try to hold back as much as possible. In future just reply something like "I'll continue to email as advised at the start of the court proceedings. I'm glad X saw a doctor. I'll take him back to his own GP next week to check if it's cleared up and whether he needs a repeat prescription." Don't ask him for info. Your doctor should have a record of any visits or will be able to tell you whether his drops were prescribed or over the counter. (No harm in subtly letting him know that! ) You don't need to get that info from him. But really as long as your son is ok that's the main thing. Ignore the requests to call, he's just trying to assert control or not have anything in writing. Try to take a step back. Go and do something for yourself today, like a coffee/magazine hour or getting your nails done :)

Thanks again everyone for your advice and support...

My New Years resolution as I've said is going to be to detach myself completely. I manage to do this when my ds goes to stay with his father for the alternate weekends, I admit I will find this hard for week long holidays (which will be for 9 nights) and in the summer we are to do it as 3 week blocks each.

I will also change the night of piano lessons and Cubs.

I'm going to emal him one final time for this year later to close the matter on the doctors/eye/chest along the lines of Bogeyface and MakeItRain's recc (although I'm not sure he's been to a Doctor) and then everything after that, I will simply send him a one/two sentenced email to keep him informed so I've done my duty.

He is so warped, after the first set of proceedings he stipulated we were to communicate only through solicitors correspondence and then he disengaged his solictitor. This is where I was advised to email and we've done this for the last 18 months and now he's trying to continue calling the shots. The man is a nightmare.

Anyway, thanks again everyone and Merry Christmas x

Glad to hear you've taken on lots of the advice from this thread. Try and enjoy your Christmas tomorrow and look forward to seeing him on Boxing Day.

Thanks MsColouring

I spoke to my ds earlier as it's Xmas Eve and had told him I'd call.
He sounded tired bless him and there'd been a disagreement with my ex's partners child over time shared on a computer game (like sibling rivalry). I think he's missing me and without prompting he told me he'd got some eye drops, which had made his eye ''more red''. He said he'd been to see a doctor, yesterday, (he thought it was yesterday)... which would tie in with the previous email where my ex had said it was busy and could not get him in.

I asked if his eye had been sore before he'd got the drops and he said yes, so I simply said well hopefully the drops will help make his eye better now and left it at that. I'm naturally cross because it seems to me that my ex did not want to email me as the prescription of drops by a doctor is evidence he did need treatment and he could have received treatment 5 days prior.

I will send the email re: comms by email and will take my ds to our GP when they re-open. Think I'll do it Boxing Day though as don't want to be seen as 'harrassing'' which will be the next accusation probably!

Merry Christmas everyone :-)

Merry Christmas!
Yes wait until you have your son back before emailing your ex.
How do the Christmas arrangements work, do you usually alternate so he's with you every other year?

Good advice another Emma thanks I will wait.

This is the 1st year of alternating Christmas as my ds always used to spend Xmas with me and go to his father for Boxing Day and overnight.
The Court Order now stipulates alternating.
Can't wait for tomorrow! :-)

Hi all, I hope everyone had a good Christmas.

I collected my ds on Boxing Day and have had a lovely time with him.
I also took him to the doctors upon the first day of them re-opening and his eye is still infected and still requires drops.

I'm just about to email his father to inform him of this (info only) and to re-iterate as BogeyFace said about comms going forwards via email only.

Just wanted to update everyone.

Thanks for the update, I'm so glad you had a lovely time with your DS, and took him to the doctor as well. Bet he's glad to be home with you! I also think you're doing the right think to stay factual in the emails to your ex and stand firm about emails not calls. Keep on keeping on!

Well done mummytippy

Thank you. Yes, I was completely factual... brief and to the point without being sarcastic or antagonistic.

Proud of myself. Just need to stick like glue to the order.

New Year, new start.

Good Luck and all the best to you too :-)

I love the fact you got some great advice and listened op ! I do agree with all the wise posts - and another New Years resolution is to be kind to yourself and make the most of the time you have free - whatever floats your boat

Well done OP - and hope you can minimise the court stuff and move forward

Thank you Stop :-)

That is also part of the plan once I have rearranged my ds's activities.
You are quite right in that you do need to be kind to yourself too :-)

How's things op?

Thanks for asking HaveAWeeNap. Things have been okay as have been sticking to the order. The only problem I feel I have is that my ex has said he will not communicate through email anymore and wants to communicate only by phone.

I've popped back on here as on Saturday (06.02) my ds has an activity trip which was agreed at Court he could attend. It is my ds's weekend for contact with his dad (orginally it wasn't and was my weekend with my ds, hence the fact I had said my ds could attend the trip). Usually and as per the court order, I take my ds to his dad on alternate Friday eves. There is a distance between us which equates to an approx 2 hour drive. As my ds is to leave on his activity trip on Sat at 8am here, I don't see how it is practical to take him to his dads on Friday eve (2 hr drive) for his dad to then have to return him Sat am (a further trip back 2 hrs) to catch a coach at 8am. The trip is to a destination approx 2 hrs away too so potentially my ds would spend approx 6-7 hours travelling within a 12 hour period and that's just to get to the trip destination. He would also have to get up at around 5.30am on the Sat in order to get back to my area.
My plan is to take my ds to his dad on Sat eve when he arrives back from his activity trip (meeting him at the coach stop) meaning his dad would just return him Sunday eve as usual but the finer details of the day (logistics) were not arranged.

Based on the advice on here already, I should I suppose just take my ds as usual and his dad should deliver him to the pick up point Sat am.

Firstly as his father has not asked about any of the details of the finer points for the activity day (although he knows about it from it being agreed at court and it's marked on the schedule) this indicates he has no intention of ensuring our ds makes the trip. I genuinely believe that should I drop my ds off on Friday eve, his father will not bother to drive over here Sat am and my ds will miss his trip which he's extremely excited about.

I was going to email him tom eve to tell him I propose to drop our ds off on Saturday once he's arrived back from him trip as agreed (although the finer points were not/have not yet been agreed). I was going to do this to mainly ensure my ds goes as he is expecting and was agreed and so that his travelling time is minimised.

Any thoughts on this from anyone and how to potentially word the email to my ex would be very welcome. Thank you in advance.

You don't have to communicate by phone because he has decreed it. You can respond that you will not be communicating by phone just as he has informed you he will not be communicating by email. I think he'd struggle to get a court to see that as you being unreasonable.

If the court order says he is with his dad then he is with his dad, and I can see it wont go well if you try to steer ex as you'd like it to go. You can email (text?) that if he would like ds to stay fri night with you and you drop off sat morning for coming trip you will do that to save him the journey if he wants but that is about all, it is ex's weekend. If ex does not bring ds for the trip than that's sadly on ex, and he needs to deal with a disappointed ds. There is nothing you can do about that. In another three years ds will start to have a lot more legal power to vote with his feet as to which parent he wants to be with and when, and if ex has enforced ds losing experiences like this out of control or not wanting to bother taking him then he's going to reap the rewards of that when ds no longer has to visit him.

I know it sucks, I'm sorry.

Thanks Rumble.

You are right, it does suck and all I can think to do is email him along the lines you've recommended (making it sound better for him as opposed to my ds) and text him also (to point to the email). Otherwise I can see I'll be left waiting for confirmation which I will not get and then I'll have no choice but to take my ds to his dad not knowing whether he'll take him.

If I take my ds to his dad, I have done what is required of myself and I see that. He would then actually be responsible to get him to the coach pick up, have to potentially wait in my area for the entire day to then collect my ds upon return. Then drive back to his area and then he would have to drive back to my area on Sunday eve. I know I'm biased, but my suggestion is surrounded by common sense!

This is where Court Orders again actually go against the best interests and wishes of children

If you have an android phone you can record both sides of the phone conversation with an app apparently. You need to check your countries laws to make sure it's allowed. There are plenty of other ways on the WWW.

www.howtogeek.com/194839/how-to-record-a-call-on-your-android-phone/

I wouldn't email him. Not when communication is this bad. He's got a copy of the court order, he knows what he has to do. He isn't going to take you up on your offer and while it isn't great for your DS, the continued conflict will be worse. Just leave it.

Thanks everyone.

He telephoned yesterday eve to speak to my ds and tell him it would be best if I take our ds to the trip. I asked him to confirm this in an email but he refused.

Based on past experience I am going to continue to email. I just feel like he's contolling me. I'm not being petty. Like Bogeyface said in December, I've laid out my position on how I want to communicate with him. I should not have to be spoken to in a derogatory manner by him, especially in front of our ds.

Since my post in Decemeber, I've taken our ds to routine dental appoints etc and sent him an email to keep him informed... asking him to please acknowledge receipt and I've had not one single acknowledgement... not even the by phone... remember the phone call he said he would make to me if I email!

I'm just rying to get on with my life after nearly 2 years of family court hell. Quite frankly having lies and cr*p made up about me, by him does not help me want to be 'friends' discussing things on the phone. I'm really not about to forget all of that and allow him to continue manipulating me and making sarcastic comments and putting me down in front of my ds which is what happened yesterday eve.

We're at loggerheads now with comms and he said I'm pathetic wanting to continue sending emails. It's exhausting.

Thanks Ozziefem I'm going to have to look into something like this I think. I've continued keeping a detailed diary too.

He secretly recorded conversations between My ds and myself last year and phonecalls between me and himself. Another reason I don't want to communicate with him other than by email.

MummyTippy you doing great but stop sending the email updates. If your ex wants to know if his son has been to the dentist or doctor he can check for himself. Keeping a diary of facts is an excellent idea, you can submit a copy to the court if needed.

It's hard but keep on disengaging and carry on parenting. Your ex makes his own choices.