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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

online games 'chat'-am i being unreasonable?

44 replies

divastrop · 14/12/2006 20:28

my dp is very into gaming and regularly plays an online game.on this game,the characters 'chat' to each other.
the trouble is,i see it as being like a chat room,with everybody chatting and having a laugh and sometimes flirting.i would be very pissed off if dp was going in chatrooms,i really hate them and i would consider it a betrayal of trust.dp says that all he ever talks about in this chat is the game itself,he doesnt care or often even know whether the other people are male or female,young or old etc.he never gives out any personal information about himself and he says if anybody asked his name/location etc he would tell them to mind their own business.

but it eats away at me all the time,the thought that he is chatting to women online.i keep thinking its just a matter of time before he gets chatting to a woman he really gets on with(after all,the women on there are into computer games like him,whereas i cant see the point in them)and leaves me.

i am 6 months pregnant and tbh i hate being pg,i feel unattractive and like my life is on hold,but dp is still the same as when i met him.he is younger than me and i felt he was out of my league before i was pregnant.now i dont know why he wants to be with me atall.

i just dont know what to do about this.ive told dp how i feel but he says im being unreasonable and that he can talk to who he wants,and that i should trust him.sorry for the long post but this has been on my mind for so long and i havent been able to find a way of dealing with it.

OP posts:

FLAMEinEckItsYuleAgain · 14/12/2006 20:32

I've had this arguement many times (normally hormonal times) - the outcome is always the same... My DH is with me for many reasons - gaming is just one aspect of his life. Yes, he has game friends, but they are just that. It takes more than an interest in gaming to have an effect on a loving relationship.

I feel sure it is the same - your DH loves YOU, not a gamer. He knew that when you met.

swifter · 14/12/2006 20:35

it sounds like you are feeling insecure regardless of the fact that you are pregnant and feeling un-attractive. He is talking to people about games on -line. You need to try and put it into perspective. I very much doubt that he would leave you for somebody online who likes computer games.

It sounds like he loves you and you are having his child. You are creating a problem that IMO doent need to be there. Hope you work it out

carolcoles · 14/12/2006 20:35

My DH has an Xbox 360 and chats away on there all the time and to be honest it annoys me at times but it is mainly blokes. Have you ever met a woman that's in to computer game cos I haven't? I felt the same when I was preg, hated being all fat and swollen but he always told me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was, it helped to hear that even though I couldn't see it.

Try to see that if he didn't love you he wouldn't be there, don't think about "if" he'll meet someone else, you'll drive yourself crackers.

kernowcat · 14/12/2006 20:40

This is a kinda chat room thing isn't it?

Not sticking up for him just saying............

(KC ducks to avoid flying christmas decos.........)

Original poster

divastrop · 14/12/2006 20:47

thank you...i wasnt looking for back up on here i was hoping that hearing from other women that i was being unreasonable would help me put things in perspective!i am driving myself insane with it tbh.i know deep down that its a problem to me cos of how i feel about myself,especially while im pregnant,i just didnt know how to get my head round it and thought it may help posting on here.

yes-dp has mentioned the fact that i chat on mn every night but my reasoning was that i only chat to women

OP posts:

FLAMEinEckItsYuleAgain · 14/12/2006 20:47

Its not the same as chat rooms - the majority of the chat is about the game (girl occasional gamer btw )... if it is anything like ultima online or everquest then they are often "in charcter" too - I remember doing a lot of flirting with a guy called Myron - but seeing as DH was married to a bloke, I don't think he could comment

wannaBeOnTopOfTheChristmasTree · 14/12/2006 20:49

I think you are being unreasonable.

you come on here and post right? and others might respond to your lighthearted posts in an equally lighthearted way, and some of those others might be men. How would you feel if your dh said he didn't want you coming on mn because it's only a matter of time before you and one of the few men that come on here find you have something in common and one thing will lead to another and then you will leave him?

He's going on to a gaming site, not a dating site. He is talking to people about computer games, not arranging dates with them, and tbh there are probably not many women on there anyway - they're probably all blokes whose wives are sitting in the next room on mn. I used to play online poker, not for real money but for virtual chips, and I used to talk to a lot of the other players, and I even have some on my msn now, and I would be absolutely insensed if my dh had got annoyed because I was daring to talk to other people.

I do understand your insecurities, but you really need to trust your dh, if you don't trust him, then you need to try and sort out why.

MossletoeAndWine · 14/12/2006 20:51

Hi Diva

Sorry you are feeling so down.

I don't think you are being "unreasonable" to quote your dp.

But I do think you are worrying without needing to. Firstly I would imagine that there aren't loads and loads of women queuing up to go on gaming sites. It's mainly blokes chatting to other blokes about what the best bandwidth is for the doobury whatsit grubnuts

But even if it was women, your dp has decided he wants to be with you, you're having a baby with him! If he wanted a geeky girl gamer, he would be with one, iyswim.

However I think your dp should be a little more understanding that you are feeling insecure. Maybe to put your mind at rest he could show you some of the conversations he has with his gamer chat buddies. Or whatever they're called.

(Fwiw, dh always used to worry that I was going to run off with a bloke who was really into science fiction, cutting edge art installations and long walks in autumnal parks. Eugh no. One of me's enough thank you very much!)

It is tough when you're pg and feeling as though you look like you've swallowed a beach ball, your thighs swell up to the size of tree trunks and you can barely summon up the energy for sex! Maybe you need to explain, as nicely and non-accusatoraliy (if that's a word) as possible to your dp, just how you feel. Get some reasurance from him.

HTH, Mossy xxxx

morningpaper · 14/12/2006 20:52

Poor you, you are obviously feeling shit about yourself. But you are having his BABY! He couldn't love you MORE.

Agree - most gamers are sad greasy men and he is probably chatting to hundreds of these every night, I wouldn't worry too much.

MossletoeAndWine · 14/12/2006 20:54

ps to all you female mner gamers out there I meant "geeky girl gamer" as a tearm of endearment!

SenoraPostrophe · 14/12/2006 20:55

I think you're being unreasonable too, I'm afraid.

But you are obviously feeling very insecure for some reason and you need to address that. he is with you - you don't really need to know why (although it might help - have you asked him in a non psycho manner?). Also do you have any pregnant friends? that helps with the general feeling crappy of pregnancy.

FLAMEinEckItsYuleAgain · 14/12/2006 21:04

DH's mates call themselves "the geeks"... I'm only a trainee geek...

Some people (me n Divastrop inc) have insecurities - there isn't always a deep rooted thing in the relationship causing them... I know that mine is from various aspects in my past.

It is hard to deal with. More so when you are lumpy and tired. Watching the convs is often a big help (yes, you will have the niggling "but maybe this dull game chat is an act", but you watch enough and you realise how natural the game chat is!).

What does he play btw? (just nosey now)

Sat here saying to DH "See, its not just me that gets hormonal and paranoid!"

He says he doesn't know of anyone who has started a relationship through the games.

SenoraPostrophe · 14/12/2006 21:07

pls... you do know that half of the posters on this thread are hairy truckers don't you? I'd tell you which but I am sworn to secrecy.

Original poster

divastrop · 14/12/2006 21:12

im feeling even more shit about myself now after posting on that porn thread

i have always been insecure in relationships and in the past that has been taken advantage of.to be fair to dp,there have been times in the past when ive asked him about something hes said online or whatever and hes been open and honest,and has even let me read the chat log or whatever its called.he has been more than understanding and has gone out of his way to reassure me,and has done the right thing in standing his ground and saying 'i can understand how you are feeling,but im not going to stop playing this game and chatting to the other characters'.

my insecurities go way back,i have been in two abusive relationships,so its taking me time to learn to trust dp.i have come a long way on other issues,i just needed a way to get my head around this one.and its working!

SP-i dont have any pregnant friends in rl,just the ones on here

OP posts:

FLAMEinEckItsYuleAgain · 14/12/2006 21:17

A DH who is understanding about the insecurities is vital. We have had bust ups over it a few times, but mainly DH is just reassuring.

I once was the reason he gave up a friendship with a girl, and I am still very with myself, and very and

As long as he is open about his convs, and doesn't hide anything (which he won't because he understands how you feel), then it won't be a problem.

Original poster

divastrop · 14/12/2006 21:17

i have my suspicions about one particular mner whom i believe to be male.i mean one who claims to be a woman.

dp plays conquer online.

OP posts:

wannaBeOnTopOfTheChristmasTree · 14/12/2006 21:18

I can understand why you would be insecure, but you have to remember that your dp isn't thos two other men - he's your dp. You can't hold him responsible for things that have happened in your past or you will drive him away.

he is with you, because he wants to be with you. He plays online games because he enjoys doing it. rather that he's at home playing on the computer every night than out on the piss wit the lads.

SenoraPostrophe · 14/12/2006 21:18

is there a porn thread?

anyway it sounds like you're getting there. I did find that knowing some rl pregnant women helped though (I didn't know anyone with my first, did with the other 2). you could try to find some antenatal classes?

also - and I know this is difficult - go and look in the mirror. look at your lovely shiny pregnant hair, and your glowing cheeks. you might not feel it, but pregnancy can really make you glow imo. it's just ironic that it can make you feel so shit really.

SenoraPostrophe · 14/12/2006 21:19

(I was joking about the truckers though - just because you said we were all women)

swifter · 14/12/2006 21:21

you shouldnt feel shit for posting on the porn thread. we're all adults and have diff opinions, doesnt mean any of us are right or wrong (IYKWIM) He obviously loves you- cherish it x

Original poster

divastrop · 14/12/2006 21:22

SP-i cant do ante-natal classes cos this is my 5th child

OP posts:

Original poster

divastrop · 14/12/2006 21:22

thanks swifter

OP posts:

FLAMEinEckItsYuleAgain · 14/12/2006 21:23

A lot changes over the course of 5 children!

SenoraPostrophe · 14/12/2006 21:25

really? they begged me to go with number 3.

toy23 · 14/12/2006 21:26

thank you every1 this is what iv been trying to tell her

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