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Original poster

Fuck buddy or Fwb?

55 replies

girlsjustlikedoingpuns · 18/12/2015 17:03

A man i know has asked me to be his fuck buddy. I was just wondering why he didn't ask me to be his friends with benefits? What i'd like to know is, is there a difference between the two before i say yes to anything?

OP posts:
LionHeartedWoman · 18/12/2015 20:22

It is surely just semantics. Either is a relationship that is sexual only. Nothing long term, just a physical coupling.

Some people are friendly, but then that blurs boundaries and sometimes someone involved develops hopes of a more all encompassing relationship.

He just wants to have sex with you. Possibly regularly. If you would like that then okay, good luck.

zaz123456 · 18/12/2015 20:31

Gosh - how can one have intimacy without feelings??

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 18/12/2015 20:50

For me, a fb is just sex. You don't communicate unless you're suggesting/arranging a hookup. And you don't hang around afterwards for more than a cup of tea. It doesn't matter if you're not on the same wavelength regarding interests or politics etc.

A fwb is a friend (like a 'normal' friend) with whom you go to the cinema or hang out on a Saturday afternoon. It's just that sometimes when you're hanging out, you'll flitt a bit and have sex.

I've had 3. I wouldn't have wanted a relationship with any of them. I no longer see one, but he was more of a fb really and the other 2 I'm still really good friends with.

So much easier than a 'romantic' relationship.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 18/12/2015 20:56

Some people on here make it sound like it's something a man does to a woman and that a woman accepts reluctantly in the hope it'll turn into something else.

I would have hated any of mine to declare 'feelings'.

LBOCS2 · 18/12/2015 20:57

What FolkGirl said. A FB is someone you perhaps meet up with after you've had a few drinks, don't stay over, purely physical - scratching an itch, so to speak.

A FWB is someone you'd see occasionally, perhaps on a weekend evening if neither of you have anything on. You could chill out together and then at the end of the night they go to bed with you rather than go home. You have fun. Wake up in the morning - back to being friends. No snuggling, no dating, no commitment.

MissApple · 19/12/2015 00:01

He has obviously asked you because you seem naive. Sorry.

Cabrinha · 19/12/2015 09:46

It's pointless any of us saying what we think the difference is or isn't - what matters is what this man wants.

And that matters a hell of a lot less than what YOU want OP.

I've no moral issue with it at all. But there are plenty of threads started on here by women who have for burned because they developed feelings, or frankly weren't honest with themselves what they wanted in the first place.

Sometimes, it means a man really likes you but not enough / in the right way to be your boyfriend - but they still fancy sex.

Sometimes, it means they just want a easy no effort fuck.

The risk of the latter is high.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 19/12/2015 11:58

"Gosh - how can one have intimacy without feelings??"

Lust is a "feeling"Wink

pocketsaviour · 19/12/2015 12:42

Folk
Some people on here make it sound like it's something a man does to a woman and that a woman accepts reluctantly in the hope it'll turn into something else.

Yes, this always baffles me. Hello, lots of women like to have sex without necessarily wanting a partner out of it!

It can be especially convenient when you are a single parent - you get the adult company (and the sex, obviously) without having to worry about introducing them to your DC or worrying about whether they would be a potentially good SP.

OP, I think the only way to clarify this is to ask the man in question how he imagines your relationship scoping out. Does he just want a quick hook-up and "see ya later" or is he envisaging a friendship with added sex? You will only find out by asking him.

I personally would always choose friendship+sex, because part of what gets me attracted to people is having a conversation with them and some sort of shared experience.

If you haven't had a set up like this before, think carefully before you agree to it. Some women do find that they end up developing the feels after having sex (probably oxytocin driven) which can be painful if they then want the existing relationship to turn into a love relationship but the guy isn't into it.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/12/2015 12:57

I have a FWB. My choice and exactly how I like it. Still recovering from an utterly awful divorce, I have no wish to have a "relationship" and all that entails, especially as I have two children. I would describe my FWB situation as we both respect and care for eachother a lot, we love eachother's company, the time we spend together is exclusively "us", there are no pressures at all. It's lovely and suits me down to the ground. I value the time we spend together and really really look forward to it and enjoy it. The deal we have is that if either of us were to meet somebody we actually wanted to have a full relationship with, we will say so and remain friends. He is somebody I hope will always be in my life. I don't, however, want anything more than that. We both know exactly where we stand and that's why it works.

It's not for everyone though...and there is always the danger that feelings will get in the way.

FindingNormal · 19/12/2015 13:03

I ended up marrying my fwb- so it's not always as sordid as it seems

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/12/2015 14:36

FindingNormal, that's lovely! I honestly don't think that it is sordid at all, as long as you're both "singing off the same hymn sheet" as it were and neither of you have any expectations over and above what it actually is. I also would not want this arrangement if either of us were actually sleeping with anybody else. In our case, we've both been deeply scarred emotionally hence this is about as much as we can both cope with!

Toffeelatteplease · 19/12/2015 15:37

Not everyone finds it sordid....

But don't go into it expecting it to end like findingnormal. The whole point is that there is no pressure for happily ever after, it's just fun for now.

Llouh · 19/12/2015 15:43

Fwb situations are not sordid at all.

I ended up marrying mine too and we have a new baby together.

You wouldn't buy a car without test driving it. Grin

MrsDiesel · 19/12/2015 15:50

I had a fuck buddy who I literally text when I fancied sex, or he would text me when he did but no communication in between, no hanging around afterwards or drinks before etc.
I now have a friend with benefits who I text regularly for chit chat, we ask how each others day has been, when we meet up we spend time together doing things other than sex although we do always have sex when we meet up.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/12/2015 16:13

MrsDiesel...sounds very similar to my situation...it's fab isn't it? Smile

outlooksunny · 19/12/2015 16:20

Those who married the FWB...how did that pan out?

I have one and I'm not sure whether to allow myself to think of potential.

HermioneWeasley · 19/12/2015 16:28

FFS, it's 2015, what is "sordid" about two adults having consensual sex? Is a woman a slut if she's enjoying it and not secretly hoping for a ring on her finger and huge meringuey dress?

HairySubject · 19/12/2015 16:31

MrsC I wouldn't have it any other way. It's great!

MrsDiesel · 19/12/2015 16:33

outlook looking at potential on a FWB situation is asking to get hurt in 99% of cases I think.

I ended up in a ltr with one but I don't think it is the norm.

If someone is upfront and says they don't want a relationship then I think it is daft to secretly hope they will change their mind.

Original poster
girlsjustlikedoingpuns · 19/12/2015 16:42

Hi all, thanks for your replies. Well i talked to him today and it's definitely going to be a fuck buddy situation and not an fwb, which i agree with and it will definitely suit me as i don't want a relationship at the moment.

OP posts:
FindingNormal · 19/12/2015 18:12

Don't get me wrong I don't think it's sordid at all! I suppose what I'm saying is that you need to be sure what your feelings are before starting anything. Me and mr finding were very close friends and on reflection started the fwb thing because neither of us were brave enough to admit we'd fallen for eachother (there was a lot going on at the time). If you're happy with it being just sex (which can be awesome) then go for it; why the hell not?

DadWasHere · 19/12/2015 19:01

Some people on here make it sound like it's something a man does to a woman and that a woman accepts reluctantly in the hope it'll turn into something else.

The female friend zone hang up. The male friend zone is to provide a relationship to a woman in the expectation doing so should lead to sex. The female version is inverted, that sex should lead to a relationship.

There is nothing wrong in seeing sex and relationships as things that should be linked, its actually how I see sex/relationships myself. I could not 'just' be a womans FWB/Fuck Buddy and be happy. That confused the hell out of me when I was young, because as a man society kept telling me I should see sex as only sex. There is no male 'slut' because thats what all men are allowed/expected to be. But a girl grows up with the exact reverse of that, sex cannot be 'just' about sex because that's not how sex is 'supposed' to be, because 'slut'.

PoorFannyRobin · 20/12/2015 00:51

What a charming invitation.

MissApple · 20/12/2015 21:08

Good luck love!!