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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Validate or tell me im over reacting

32 replies

AugustMoon · 17/12/2015 22:58

Ive been away from my H for a few weeks, not by choice, lets just say its been very tough. Whilst i was away (staying at mums) he was very insecure. Demanding i commit to our relationship but in a way that would not inspire you to want to. One minute i love you, cant live without you, next minute dragging up instances from the past and quizzing me on what happened with this or that guy. Being sexually explicit and insulting. He did imply on a couple of occassions that he wanted to divorce, if i dont commit. Which means essentially giving up wanting to move home and going along with his master plan where i am isolated from family and friends and can't work. It is very hard for me to give that up but it feels like he wants my soul or its over.
I came back 2 days ago. Its been a bit strained but ok. I have tried very hard to get back to normal for the DC, trying not to go on about home, being affectionate, doing housework etc.
Almost the first thing he brings up is this woman who is an old family friend, how her xh killed himself. Lots of detail. Was weird.
Then today i met him to buy a xmas tree, to choose together, but while we were in the shop he said he had to go back to the office, raised hus voice "i cant be fucking shopping i have too much to do". I said but its my birthday tomorrow, i think i said this because i knew he hadn't done anything yet (not that i want a fanfare but for the kids to see). He said its not your birthday today and then said he has his work party tomorrow. Its his company.
I was upset, not seen him for weeks and i'd asked him last week if he had made any plans as he's done this before (awkward time of year for a birthday). He said he hadn't. To be fair it was someone else organising it but pretty sure he was consulted on the date.
Anyway, he left the shop. Then msgd to say he was changing the party. I said please dont, damage already done. Next msg its changed to next wk. So im like "ok" and he then shouts at me saying there's no pleasing you, you could at least be grateful"
That was the last i heard. Its past midnight where we are. Colleague of his said he left the office at 3 to go for drinks. He wasnt even working, didn't have to go back to the office because he had so much to do clearly. And its my birthday tomorrow and he'll be hungover and the kids havent even done a card for me. Realise that makes me sound like a spoilt child a bit but im so upset. Sorry its long and vague in parts.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/12/2015 23:00

I don't understand why you are with this man.

Offred · 17/12/2015 23:02

Please leave him, this is awful Sad

Original poster
AugustMoon · 17/12/2015 23:02

I know

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/12/2015 23:08

What do you want us to say ?

Offred · 17/12/2015 23:09

He sounds dangerous. Please be careful. Do you have a plan for getting away?

Original poster
AugustMoon · 17/12/2015 23:13

Any I actually cant physically take the DC home without his consent. And i cant live here alone or (currently) work. I've seen an email to the ow he was talking about saying he's 'cleared the guest room' for me. Saying that i need to realise things have to change. Which isnt true. I dont know what to make of this.

OP posts:
Offred · 17/12/2015 23:15

Refuge?

AnyFucker · 17/12/2015 23:16

You were staying at your mums before. Go back there.

Offred · 17/12/2015 23:17

How old are the kids?

Original poster
AugustMoon · 17/12/2015 23:17

Im in another country

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 17/12/2015 23:18

You are validated. He is horrendous. How can you and your kids get out? Have you family or friends nearby to go to?

LeaLeander · 17/12/2015 23:19

You are in another country? And you are stuck with him because he has power over your kids' travel, is that it?

Original poster
AugustMoon · 17/12/2015 23:19

I wont go anywhere without DC. I left the 2 eldest with him when i was away (not by choice, id have taken them home but he knows that).

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/12/2015 23:20

In another country to your mum ? You went there before. Go there again.

Offred · 17/12/2015 23:20

Your mum is in the UK?

Original poster
AugustMoon · 17/12/2015 23:21

Lea yes. Need consent to take them out the country.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/12/2015 23:22

Cross posted.

You always intended to go back then if you left your eldest kids with him ?

And he is still seeing another woman ? This is sounding very familiar.

Offred · 17/12/2015 23:22

Can your mum contact her mp for help?

A family got flown home to get away from an abusive man with help from our local mp recently.

Original poster
AugustMoon · 17/12/2015 23:26

What do you mean ? Any Yes i had to come back for them. He knew i would be coming back. There was no question. But he wont ever let me take them all and i cant leave them here. Ever again.
Thank you Offred. I will look into that. My mum told me not to come back.

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 17/12/2015 23:34

This sort of story makes me want to beat my head against the wall.

How many children do you have? Did he shows signs of being pathologically jealous, controlling and abusive before you conceived these children or only after all of them were conceived and born? Did you know when you moved to that country that you could essentially be held hostage there?

Offred · 18/12/2015 00:23

Does it really matter lea? Really? She is where she is now, no amount of 'you should have done something about it earlier' is helpful is it?

Namechanger2015 · 18/12/2015 00:31

Leander please don't do the victim blaming thing here.

OP are there refuges you can go to in your country? Or friends you can stay with, even if just for a few nights? Or his family that you get on with?

Can you see a legal expert about taking the kids out of the country?

Are you comfortable saying which country you live in, someone here may have some experience or advice relevant to where you are living.

Original poster
AugustMoon · 18/12/2015 11:14

Thanks for the responses. Feel bad now. He got up, had the DC write cards and got me a voucher. Let him know how i feel but been pleasant and told eldest that its not respectful what he did but want to have a nice day at least. Said he should have let us know where he was and yes he's drinking too much.
Thing is, when he came back he was obv v drunk and told me he only wanted me to come back to get youngest back into the country.
Then this morning being all gropey and appears not to remember this confession.
No refuges or family i can stay with. No.
Yes there were elements of abusive behaviour before but we did have fun too and moving here felt like the fair thing to do as his family is here and his work was going that way. I suppose i thought things would improve. Fresh start. But i hate it here and he is worse than ever.
He takes some medication which, together with the drinking (which is worse after my stint away) is making him a bit manic. He's so inconsistent and i feel like i have to dance to his tune depending on how he's feeling.
Any what did you mean when you said sounds familiar?

OP posts:
Original poster
AugustMoon · 18/12/2015 11:18

Its South Africa. I have looked into legal routes. Its complicated and costly but i will pursue. I feel like i need to make a break so i cab focus on one goal, getting home. But its difficult him being so volatile and me being dependent.

OP posts:
Offred · 18/12/2015 11:20

My advice would be to very carefully plan an exit and then go. Play along while you are planning things so he doesn't catch on to what you are up to and see what help your mum can get you from the UK - mp etc