The ever-so-present ghost of the ex-wife

[CostaRicanBananas]

I have a problem with my husband’s relationship with his ex-wife. There have been various issues with regards to his arrangements to see his children, including lies that he’s told in order to keep peace / sell a different picture of the situation to me / keep everyone happy. However, this post is specifically about his communication with his ex.

I have snooped and I know that they communicate frequently, possibly on a daily basis. There are phone calls and messages, and although I have not read anything inappropriate (sexual or flirty), I don’t want my husband to be his ex-wife’s pen-pal. The times when I snooped, I noticed that he had deleted previous messages so I only caught the latest one. If they had been written to anyone else, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought, but this is the woman who always wants to be present and who isn’t in a relationship. And I have a DH who likes to be needed and the attention, no matter how innocent.

I have told myself time and time again that he’s married to me, has got our pictures all over his social media and that his daily life is with me. There’s no question of his dedication to our lives together, but would he tolerate me being best buddies with my ex? No, he wouldn’t. Have I explained this to him? Yes, of course, which is why he feels compelled to hide it – I have even said, in moments of despair (because sometimes, even without seeing the evidence you just sense that something is up), that if there was nothing wrong then there would be no need for lies and secrecy.

I hate it and it’s ruining the dynamics of our relationship. I occasionally check my whatsapp and I can see that he’s been on his, which he seems to do frequently – don’t you just hate the joys of modern technology?! I can’t help thinking that it’s yet another exchange between the exes. The truth is that I think about it all the time, almost to the point of obsessing about it, but I am not going to behave out of character and start messaging my own husband all day long for the sake of keeping him occupied?! How can I address this and does this qualify as emotional unfaithfulness??

I think you'd be a really good candidate for couples counselling. In many ways this is less about right and wrong than what you can handle as a couple. I wouldn't really like my DH having cosy daily conflabs with his ex, but we don't have kids from previous relationships. So you're just going to have to work that bit harder on what reasonable contact looks like from all perspectives. what are your shared care arrangements for dh's kids btw? There are some arrangements that I can imagine might lead require more frequent contact than others.

You have a Catch-22 situation really. He lied so you do not trust him and there are issues relating to his lies. He knows about those issues and thinks being honest will cause more issues so he still lies and keeps things from you.

As I said in my previous post the issue is not his ex-wife but your DH and his handling of the situation.

You really need to talk honestly together, draw up ground rules, wipe the slate clean then both stick to what you have agreed.

If he has lied previously and you chose to forgive him then you both have to let that go but he needs to be honest with you now too.