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Original poster

Ex husband wants me to look after his nan for good divorce.

59 replies

jojo9999 · 17/12/2015 01:50

Hi everyone,

I recently left my husband a few months ago to start a new life with my lover. Everything seems to be going smoothly and both of us are looking forward to our bright future ahead.

My main concern is that i received an email from my ex husband last week asking me to come home to look after the animals (3 cats) and his nan (who is now ill). I was with my ex husband for 8 years and before leaving him we bought a new house and it was something i always wanted. I wont go in to detail but the main reason i wanted a fresh start was to get away from him due to his controlling behaviour / mental abuse. Because i left, it meant he has less income to pay the bills, and says he may lose the house and also may need to put the animals in to care (which i love dearly). He also told me his working longer hours to try to balance his payments. His nan has fallen ill and he also needs me to take care of her, and ive known her since ive known my ex husband.

Im in a dilemma and need some advise about the email he sent me. He wants me to go down and live with him for a 'few months' and in return he would give me a 'good' divorce. Main reason is for me to take care of his nan and the animals while he tries to sort himself out.

Im not sure whether this is a good idea and whether its fair on my lover. If i do go down, im scared if i get confused and whether my ex husband somehow convinces me to stay and work on the broken relationship.

I do not love my ex husband but he does get inside my head at times and he can read me like a book. Im very fragile and stressed out of this whole situation. I just want to move on with my new lover. Im scared incase if i dont go down and do what he wants, then he may get nasty. If his nan dies, and i didnt go down, i may regret it and again my ex husband will never forgive me. Of course if his nan was in hospital i will visit but he says that she is 'ill'.

I have replied to him saying if i go down it would be on these terms, to go down 1-2 days a week to look after his nan, and animals, but he replied to say this is not good enough and then he repeated his first email saying it needs to be a 'few' months.

Please help me. Im sick and stressed. I just want to put this to bed.

xx

OP posts:
roundandroundthehouses · 17/12/2015 10:03

Even in the most charitable scenario, it's unrealistic.

Let's say that in fact your ex is a lovely man. (I'm sure he sees things this way.) You're only telling us he was emotionally abusive to get us on your side, and justify the fact that you had an affair and left him. So there he is, suddenly all at sea. His wife has left him and shacked up with her fancy man. Not only is he devastated, but he's now struggling to pay the bills on his own and worried about losing his home. And the responsibilities for animals and sick elderly relatives, that he expected to be shared, are now suddenly all on his lap, just at the same time as he's having to work all hours just to pay the mortgage.

That is a crappy situation. He's probably angry, panicking, and desperately trying to think of any possible way to make it all go away. And now he's lit on something that he thinks would solve all those problems and get you back living with him. Basically, to get things as close as possible to the way they were before.

But the marriage is over. You need to come to a fair financial settlement that as far as possible avoids either of you living in hardship. You'll need to be sure that the cats are looked after. But that's where your part ends. Moving back in with him and looking after his relative is just - at the very best interpretation - him panicking and wanting to pretend it isn't happening.

Damselindestress · 17/12/2015 10:08

You're too tied up in the emotional issues involved to see straight. Please get legal advice about what you are entitled to. You have no obligation to live with your ex or look after his nan to get a good divorce.

Also, I'm not judging but do you think it is a good idea to rush into a new relationship after an abusive marriage? Your head is understandably all over the place for a while and you might need space to work through things.

definitelybutter1 · 17/12/2015 10:09

Do you have independent evidence that his nan is poorly or do you just have his word for it?

Shutthatdoor · 17/12/2015 10:24

roundandroundthehouses has said it all

Pantone363 · 17/12/2015 10:25

Flip side

My DH had an affair and has left me for OW. He isn't paying any of the bills or mortgage. He's left his animals here and I'm having to pay and take care of them. My DM is suddenly ill and I'm having to care for her too. I've taken more hours at work to try to manage everything.

I've asked him to come back and help out temporarily but he says no because I'm controlling and abusive, what should I do?

hellsbellsmelons · 17/12/2015 10:29

But we've all said she needs to be paying towards the mortgage and bills.
Even with the flip side, would you expect your faithless ex to come back and live with you to look after your gran??? Doubt it very much.

2rebecca · 17/12/2015 10:32

If his nan needs extra care then social services can become involved, if you have moved away then I don't see you taking on a caring role for his nan as sensible. If you decided to leave the cats with him then he may well decide he can't be bothered with them and rehouse them. That's up to him if you were that bothered you should have taken some with you.
Even if you go and do his bidding I suspect this divorce(like most) will turn nasty. Of course his nan will die if she's old and frail. Her death won't be your fault though. What happened to the rest of his family?
If your husband had left you and you had a frail old granny would you try to entice him back and get him to care for your granny whilst you work with the promise of a "good divorce"? Of course not.
He and his family sort out his gran, you and him sort out the cats, you both eventually sort out the divorce.

2rebecca · 17/12/2015 10:39

You say he may "lose" the house. In most divorces the house the couple previously lived in is sold as part of the divorce. I'm surprised it isn't already on the market or is he buying you out? In Scotland you don't continue paying the mortgage and bills once you have moved out usually as you agree a date when you separate and the house is valued. If the person who left kept paying the mortgage then they would continue to have a claim on the house until it was sold which might give them extra money if it isn't sold for a couple of years and appreciates. A solicitor should clarify all this for your area though.
It seems odd that you both now view the house as solely his.

zipzap · 17/12/2015 10:50

Agree with everything that's already been said. however just wondering - if you had stayed with him, were you working? How exactly would he have expected you to look after his nan if you were? Would you have had to reduce your hours or give up your work, or would it have been an extra 'chore' that got added to the list of jobs that he expected you to do (but not doing a whole lot himself)?

I'd send your ex nan-in-law a get well card to say that you're sorry to hear she is ill and that you'd like to pop down to see her one day (if you would) - preferably on a day when your ex isn't around. Or maybe ring her for a chat. That's all you owe her - just because she's a person that you like (by the sound of it), independent of your relationship with your ex. In the same way that you would do the same for a poorly colleague or friend.

I'd tell the ex that even if you were still with him, it's would have been his responsibility to sort out his gran. That he is in no position to dictate anything to you now that you are separated and that he should be able to sort out his gran's care in conjunction with her, her doctors and social services/local council, exactly as he would have had to have done if you were still together. And that if anything does happen to his gran, then it is all most definitely his own fault and that is his problem.

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears · 17/12/2015 10:52

Keep the email as evidence that he is attempting blackmail.
Don't look after his nan
Get your solicitor to proceed - the email can be used to demonstrate unreasonable behaviour if this is required.

mum2mum99 · 17/12/2015 11:05

If he was abusive, 3 words. Disengage, disengage and disengage. Previous advice is brilliant worth taking in.

susiella · 17/12/2015 11:51

Go & get the cats. Walk away. Job done.

Dipankrispaneven · 17/12/2015 14:04

Why is his grandmother his responsibility? Why aren't his parents involved? Does she have any other children?

Would moving back to look after her even be an option? Presumably it's impossible if you're working, and if you're on benefits it would affect your entitlement.

If you can't afford to help with the mortgage and he can't keep up payments, the house needs to be sold.

Original poster
jojo9999 · 17/12/2015 14:20

Thank you for all your replies and I appreciate your feedback on this messy situation.

A couple of things i forgot to mention really:

  • Because of the controlling and the fact everything had to be his way, it means everything financially is all in his name anyway including the cars, mortgage, bills, loans etc. The only thing that was joint was the bank account.
  • If i needed money, I had to ask for money, this is how it was.
  • Also, my lover has already suggested going to the solicitor who specialises in divorces, to gather more information and when its best to do this.

Your replies have helped me so much, and a lot of what is said my lover had already said, which is comforting. xx

OP posts:
Funinthesun15 · 17/12/2015 14:33

One thing I would say is this is between your ex and you.

Your lover should not be getting involved.

I can't see your ex or anyone else being happy if the OM started to get involved.

Also be mindful that your ex could also be going to a solicitor and could divorce you on grounds of adultery.

Twinklestein · 17/12/2015 14:35

So he was financially abusive as well. Another good reason to stay well away.

You need a good solicitor who's used to dealing with controlling/abusive men and knows all their tricks.

Twinklestein · 17/12/2015 14:37

There's no reason why her BF shouldn't advise her.

juneau · 17/12/2015 14:39

So he's trying to blackmail you into doing what he wants. This is just a new attempt to control you. Say no. Take the animals if you can and if you're really worried that he'll get rid of them. But FGS tell him to take a hike with regard to moving back in for 'a few months' to play nursemaid to his nan. She may be lovely and she may be unwell, but she is not your responsibility. And do as your partner suggests and see a lawyer so you can get the divorce ball rolling. The sooner you have a formal divorce from this controlling man, the better.

Cabrinha · 17/12/2015 14:45

Doesn't matter a jot if he does divorce her for adultery. In fact, it saves the hassle of writing out examples of unreasonable behaviour. Makes no difference to the settlement either way - job done.

If the bills were in his name because he was controlling, then he's shafted himself now. Karma very rarely pays out, but fun when it does!

A bit off track but - unless OP is Cornish, does anyone actually say "my lover"?

OP, nice if he's supportive, but if you're used to a controlling man, don't forget to have your own opinions now. I'm a bit dismayed if you needed him to tell you to get to a solicitor.

2rebecca · 17/12/2015 14:54

Agree with Cabrinha. Also often whose name a house is in is irrelevant if you are married, it's still a marital asset. A solicitor can clarify this.

Shutthatdoor · 17/12/2015 15:15

Agree with Cabrinha. Also often whose name a house is in is irrelevant if you are married, it's still a marital asset. A solicitor can clarify this.

As can loans etc if both parties benefited from them.

Cabrinha · 17/12/2015 15:22

It's true that the car loan liability - and the car - will go into the pot for negotiation of total settlement.

But in terms of paying the loan company, no stress for OP, if her name isn't on the loan, they can't come after her for it.

WoodHeaven · 17/12/2015 15:31

Don't go there.
To start with, how do you think your boyfriend will feel if you go back to live with your ex??? And why would you go and live with someone who you know is abusive??

Go and see a solicitor ASAP

Shutthatdoor · 17/12/2015 15:34

But in terms of paying the loan company, no stress for OP, if her name isn't on the loan, they can't come after her for it.

No they can't 'come after her for it' but I do know of cases where debts for loans where both have benefited have been taken into consideration by courts in finances. It will also affect what 'avaliable' money he has.

Cabrinha · 17/12/2015 17:11

I'm not disagreeing with you Shutthatdoor
My point is, in the short term the OP doesn't need to worry about destroying her credit rating or being taken to court for payments she can't afford, if her STBXH can't meet financial commitments in his name.

If they're in his name because he was financially abusive, that's rather poetic.

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