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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Exp keeps telling me i am mentally unwell

47 replies

Itsabloodymess · 16/12/2015 22:00

Exp is hellbent on destroying anything and everything about me. Over the last couple of days he has asked me questions i have answered him but he is adament i havent hes telling me i must be hearing voices in my head. He swears blind i havent said a word when i know i have. Hes told me i need professional help as im loosing it. He is twisting everything around on me blaming me for everything. Im worried i will end up cracking and having a breakdown.

Why would he do this to me?

OP posts:
Lilipot15 · 16/12/2015 22:05

I suspect this is not unusual. It happened to me to. I lost count of the times he told me I was "mentally unstable".

When I'm calm and happy I don't think about it. If I'm struggling with something memories of those accusations come back - they were very hurtful.

What helped me was to recognise that he was lashing out and looking to blame someone else when in fact he had triggered off our separation. I suppose it helped to discuss things with a sensible friend who could either help me laugh off some of the more ridiculous accusations and help me reason out some of the more insidious subtle ones.

I will watch others replies with interest as they may help me too.

DiscoDiva70 · 16/12/2015 22:05

It sounds like he's gaslighting you.

Lilipot15 · 16/12/2015 22:07

OP, I do hope you are able to feel happy that you are no longer with someone who can say such things about you.

Try not to be like I am at times, being cross at myself for making such a bad choice of partner.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 16/12/2015 22:07

Keep communication to a minimum, and do it by email. Proof in writing. I do this with XH to avoid this sort of thing as far as possible.

Curiouserandcuriouser30 · 16/12/2015 22:08

Yes OP Google gaslighting. It's a way of controlling you and of making you doubt yourself. Glad to hear he is an ex, but I am sorry you are going through this Flowers

wintersocks · 16/12/2015 22:08

He's an ex, he's a dick, he's doing it to get a response. Why not just 'speak' to him by email only in future and then you've got everything written down and he can't do it.

Peppaismyhomegirl · 16/12/2015 22:08

Only engage with him in writing, text or email. Will really help

MacFox · 16/12/2015 22:08

Abuse.
emotional abuse.
Gaslighting.
Dont defend yourself against his accusations. Stop answering his questions. He is succesfully making u believe you have to prove you are sane to him!!! You don't. And you dont answer to him.
Have as little to do wih him as possible. Ignore texts. Dont bother to set him straight.

If he is working towads undermining u in court on the grounds that you are"mad" talk to womens aid.

ivykaty44 · 16/12/2015 22:10

Or ask him

Have you been reading them woman's gossip mags again? You need to stop your imaginations running wild again

Repeat at everything he says

DragonsCanHop · 16/12/2015 22:12

It's gaslighting.

Minimal contact preferable over email or text trail is best.

Guiltypleasures001 · 16/12/2015 22:15

Every time he says something just keep saying who said that and look around

mamas12 · 16/12/2015 22:16

Yeah mine used to do that telling me I needed help and made me go to the doctors
So when I started counselling and realised I was actually being abused it was a huge relief and that I was not going mad and it was all him so started the plan to leave.

Original poster
Itsabloodymess · 16/12/2015 22:16

I do keep contact to a minimum, he will call about ds and then start and once hes finished he will hang up the phone. He then tells me to leave him alone like im stalking him.

Thinking about it hes done lots of things like saying ive moved something or ive had something when i know i havent and hes had me in tears because im starting to believe him.

lili i dont get angry with myself for allowing myself to be dragged down by him and ending up in this situation but then sometimes i think no fuck it its not me its him.

Its like im 2 different people i just need the strong me to come out permanatly.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 16/12/2015 22:17

Backfired spectacularly for him haha

Original poster
Itsabloodymess · 16/12/2015 22:19

I have got an appointment for counselling in the new year.

Im just glad there is still a little bit of me left and hes not taken it all.

OP posts:
abbsismyhero · 16/12/2015 22:23

do you actually need to have contact with him? if you have kids use a contact book

Original poster
Itsabloodymess · 16/12/2015 22:27

Unfourtunatly yes😕 Hes not that bright hes only any good with his mouth not his mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsabloodymess · 16/12/2015 22:28

And not forgeting his fist and hands hes pretty handy with those too. I hate him i really do.

OP posts:
ChinaSorrows · 16/12/2015 22:32

Everything in writing.
Contact book
When he asks anything, have your phone, get busy, respond with "hold on, I'm just emailing you a copy of your question and the answer, given that your memory's gone to pot of late. I wouldn't want any misunderstanding or anything to be forgotten"

Do it EVERY time.
When he calls you whichever name he finds insulting, keep reiterating that you are committed to ensuring that nothing is forgotten.

FOR EVERYTHING
What clothes the kids have
Everything:

He'll get sick of it but you are protecting yourself.

Bogeyface · 16/12/2015 22:34

Refuse to take the calls.

Dont answer the call, text him that you will happily discuss the kids via email or text message but you will not do so over the phone anymore. and mean it.

DiscoDiva70 · 16/12/2015 22:34

If he continues to bully you mentally or physically you should have him warned to leave you alone by the police.

MacFox · 16/12/2015 22:37

Yes. Keep a diary. Try to minimise contact. Try to have a witness. Do everything you can to reduce/scupper his opportunity to abuse you.

MacFox · 16/12/2015 22:41

If he gets violent, call the police, and do it every time. YES he will be incandescent with white rage that you dared to call the police on him but you need to have proof that he is abusive. You have to stand up to him. He will be furious and you'll have to be just a little bit braver in the short term to call the police because it'll be like a flame to a petrol soaked rag, but in the longer term you are protecting yourself.

If you don't call the police he knows that you're colluding with his abuse, in a co-dependent way, defending yourself to him, still feeling bound to defend yourself, obligated to ''clear your name''.

If he gets aggressive, call the police. Please don't leave yourself open to a he said she said no proof of abuse nightmare in court which is what happened to me.

ouryve · 16/12/2015 22:42

If it's possible to stop engaging with him, then do. He's fucking with you because he's an arsehole.

If you have anything to sort out such as finances or time with children, then do it through a third party. If you absolutely can't avoid arranging things between you, do it all via email.

bloodyteenagers · 16/12/2015 23:42

You really, really have to answer the call.
You can insist all communication is through text/email
You can even get a cheap payg and give him that umber only.
Block him from your main phone.
Text him from the new number, tell him this is the new contact number. All contact to be text only.

Will he like it? No. Because you will be taking back control and he won't be abl to gaslight you.

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