Exp keeps telling me i am mentally unwell

[Itsabloodymess]

Exp is hellbent on destroying anything and everything about me. Over the last couple of days he has asked me questions i have answered him but he is adament i havent hes telling me i must be hearing voices in my head. He swears blind i havent said a word when i know i have. Hes told me i need professional help as im loosing it. He is twisting everything around on me blaming me for everything. Im worried i will end up cracking and having a breakdown.

Why would he do this to me?

Yes, you have to take back control.
Gaslighting is very cruel but abusers seem to enjoy it.
If it's all in writing he can't deny what was said

If he calls to speak to ds here's what you do: answer phone, pass straight to ds. Encourage ds to say goodbye at the end and then hang up straight away. Don't speak to him. Say that in future you will be communicating by email. Let calls go to voicemail and reply by email if you need to reply only. Reply to texts by email again only if it needs a reply. Stick to it. He will hate it at first then get used to it and viola your life will be easier.

Also if he is phoning your mobile, tell him you are recording the call and then record it. But far better to get him to text you.

If my ex sends me abusive texts I reply saying "that text is abusive".
It sharpens their tiny minds wgen they realise they are leaving an evidence trail.

It must be so hard for you but you've had some good advice.
If you have to answer (you don't though) then just say 'hang on just need to hit the record button. , OK, you're on loud speaker, you can continue now. What did you want to say?'
See how that goes. See if your phone does have record option.
But... for your own mental health I agree that you need to communicate via email and text only.

yes, my x behaved impeccably when there was a witness.

funny that. I behaved the same whether there was a witness or not.

Tell him all calls are recorded. My ex got a nasty surprise in court. (France) The judge asked his permission to hear a call he made with a death threat. He had denied it was him saying I'd written it and got someone to perform it.
It was clearly him and it was clearly a death threat.

Otherwise everything in writing. Always imagine that you will be going back to court sooner or later and never stop collecting evidence against him. Keep a diary too.

Lots of good advice here. It's a great one to get on top of. I hang up a lot. As soon as it gets at all iffy.

I also put it on speaker, ask DCs if they want to speak to him. If it's no-he can hear and I hang up.

I'm not going to contribute anything to this because other users on here are far better placed to offer you advice but;

Most phones now days have voice recorders on them.
Next time, record the conversation so you can play it back to him. Turn the tables on him, make him look like the one with mental issues!

Thanks all!!
Ive had another shit day but everytime hes rung ive told him that hes on loudspeaker. Sort of worked until he came to collect ds then i just got it face to face 😟

Hes blaming me for all his downfalls, i wound him up so he did xyz i did or didnt do xyz i didnt appreciate him i stopped looking after myself let myself go ect

I told him to leave and to send ds back with someone else or i would collect him.

Im so worn down and tired.

I need to be able to see into the future so i no we are going to be fine cos at the minute its a struggle 😰

No phone calls EVER

Smartphone email the information. You can the search and check back. Handover at somewhere other than home. Children and you need to be safe in your own home.

Don't reply to anything not related to the children, copy and paste anything where he repeats himself to get a different response.

Other than its an emergency I'm in an ambulance, nothing needs to be done by telephone. Although actually an email and text message are as quick so even then...

When he blames you for things what is he expecting you to do?

Does he want to get back together or he just moaning?
What do you do when he comes out with the blame nonsense? Difficult though it is, you must not try to defend yourself or justify anything you do or argue. It does not matter. He does not matter. His opinion does not matter. He is no longer your problem. What he says, what he thinks, who cares? Just ignore, ignore, ignore somemore. The only way to win that war is to walk away from battle.

If otoh he wants you back and is playing the can we sort this out, after all it is your fault cards then just agree with him- as in yes I did annoy you, just as well we split up, yes I made your life miserable just as well you are free now etc. Etc.

To be utterly clear though his behaviour is his fault. None of this is your fault. The above are just tactics to deflect him.

Learning not to engage is worth it though as it frees you from him being in anyway your problem. If you do engage don't kick yourself. Just brace yourself to have another go at ignoring him next time. It does get easier.

A friend on EA thread said she used to stare at her ex's forehead and imagine it had a scrolling message on it saying "this is all bollocks. I am a total fuckwit." Etc. As he was droning on.

Don't let him know he has been getting to you. Don't let him know anything about your life. Don't let him cross the threshold.

Boundaries up. Wear them like armour.

Then come here and let it all out.

This I mean literally Don't let him cross the threshold.
My ex waits on the step. If he is being a pain I shut the door and open it again only to lat the dcs out and then back in again.
If he is being in any way twatty I just don't speak to him. except once recently when I phoned him to tell him what I thought of him handing dcs back after bedtime having not fed them

No phone calls. Let it got to voice mail, tell him to text you only.

You don't have to speak to him. And if he ever does say anything outside the permissable, end the call. Every time.

You don't have to speak to him.

^^ this.

small he doesnt want me back hes past caring about me is fed up of trying and getting nothing back from me. He just doesnt get it at all, hes made me and the relationship how it is. Why wont he just accept responsibility for it?!

I dont want to talk to him but he starts and i bite back when i should really hold my tongue.

Why wont he just accept responsibility for it?!

Because he is a fuckwit. Don't go looking for him to take responsibility. It really does not matter anymore. You know he's an arse whether he admits it or not.

When he tries to suck you in remember "just because he says it does not make it true". Equally if he says something and you don't disagree or argue that doesn't mean you are admitting it. He isn't try to sort it out or apportion blame or get closure or anything that might be remotely positive. All he is trying to do, his sole aim is to suck you into an argument, any argument, to mess with your head and wind you up.

Every time you refuse to engage, you win. You take some of his control away from him. And you build your own blundaries and regain your own life and your peace of mind.

It might seem like you need to defend yourself. It will have become a reflex almost. But don't. By not defending, you win.

You need to disengage. Remember JADE. Do not justify, argue, defend or engage.

You will know when you are truly free when you no longer hate him, you just don't give a fuck. It will come and it is glorious when it does.

Misplaced smiley. That was meant to be at the end.

How often is he calling you? And ask yourself why are you answering ? Why? If details for DS's handover are sorted, why do you need to answer the phone?

If he took responsibility for the demise of the relationship and the reason you hate him.... It would make him the bad person.

That's never going to happen, you know this right.... In his little head he's not to blame for a single thing, it's all your fault, or some other bugger's fault.

Disengage completely. Take your life back from this lowlife piece of crap, and bear in mind that -actually- contact is for the benefit of the child.

An abusive fuckwit will never be good for a child to spend time with, so don't ever go out of your way for contact. If he doesn't arrange it, or makes it hard, just shrug and leave it.

Like the JADE thing!

Him: You did xyz
You: If you say so
Him: You made me do xyz
You: If you say so
Him: It's all your fault
You: If you say so

You could throw in the odd PA 'Yes dear' every now and then as well.
It will drive him insane but it means you aren't actually engaging or 'biting'

It seems like it will never end but as long as you don't bite back he will get very tired of it.
Is there anyone you could have there with you for hand overs?

Hells bells responses are good. Maybe check your watch as you respond, look over his shoulder in a bored way. Ask Have you finished your little moan? Don't show him you care. Maybe just befor you see him think up the 5 things he is most likely to say, check them off mentally as he says each one - like a game - I found this changes your focus from the meaning of what he is saying to just a constant stream of words falling from his mouth. It becomes laughable as you realise how bitter he actually is. If he complains you aren't listening, 'if you say so' check watch.

Surely if you caused him such misery when you were together he must be pleased you are apart (my ex had little response to that one).

He's a bitter man, rejoice you are apart. He can't take responsibility for his life, he wants to blame you for his happiness/unhappiness. He won't take responsibility so don't bother trying to get him to. It's a waste of effort.

Keep a diary, email and text only. Try and find another way to do collection and pick ups, ie can child go out to car them self? Can you get drop off at your parents? Meet up in very public places - library, leisure centre, supermarket. Sell this to your DC, when daddy drops you off we will choose new library books/go swimming/pick up pizza for tea. Write down any conversation you have with him straight after the event.

Meeting in public places is great. Pick somewhere you can get away quickly. When my ex was at this stage I used to meet him at a cafe by the bus stop. When he would start I would kiss dd tell her to have a lovely weekend and then get on literally whatever bus was there for a couple of stops. Only needed three of those before he realised he was wasting his time. Everything in writing via email really calmed the rest of it down too as that did not calm him down but I would print it out and my friends would tear him to shreds.
Mine was just a cheating twat though and yours sounds worse. Well done on leaving him.

43 that's genius and it's mentioned on here quite a lot.
Like playing bingo!
When he's said all 5 things you can shout out loud 'Bingo'.
Watch the confusion rule his face then say goodbye and shut the door.