Going to separate from Husband, is it wrong to consider moving away?

[mrsh1807]

Dh and I have been married for 12 years and have 3 children aged 11, 8 and 5. We have finally reached the point of separation, I'm worn out by him! We will have to sell the house and I'll hopefully take a decent chunk of equity to buy a smaller house for me and the boys. As we live in the expensive south east I'm struggling to find somewhere decent for us to live.

I grew up in Gloucestershire and still have a couple of good friends there, I keep thinking about moving back. Is this wrong? Well I know it is, but has anyone had any experience of this? He would stay where we are now.

I know I'd be removing the boys from his immediate vicinity, but the way he talks at the moment it's as if he's not bothered about seeing them. I'm sure that will change. But he's also threatening to walk out any day now and leave me with all the bills and mortgage to cover. If I have to sell quickly to avoid defaulting on the mortgage, I'll need to have somewhere else to go.

Any advise? I've never been through something like this before and am feeling a bit lost and vulnerable. He's currently the main earner, as I recently took a much lower paid school hours job - probably the final straw in our relationship - I can't cover our living costs etc alone.

Help?

But why will the DC need to move schools?

Has he actually said he only wants EOW?

Have you discussed what the custody and financial arrAngements should be; or been to mediation?

I agree with the majority that unless there are exceptional circumstances I don't believe it is fair to move your DC 150 miles from their other parent

I'm not sure that having to downsize to a smaller house qualifies as exceptional

If you genuinely don't expect your ex to want much contact with his children then could you rent for 6 months just to see how things pan out? By that point you will be clearer what his intentions are regarding contact and hopefully also have more Idea where you are likely to stand financially post divorce

I thought you would be selling the house and getting a fair bit from the sale so how would current mortgage affect being able to rent when you no longer have any mortgage but a healthy bank balance instead?

I know exactly how you are feeling right now, having been through it.

You are going to need your friends and family at this difficult time. You need to consider your support network - e.g. how many really close friends do you have where you live now that will understand what you're going through? And how close are the friends back in Gloucestershire? I couldn't have got through my situation if it wasn't for one particular very supportive friend (who I now live very close to - I'm sure that played a part in my final decision to move). Family and friends are going to be very important in getting you through this.

I took my situation one step at a time, it was just too much to deal with all together - moving house, kids moving schools and changing jobs on top of everything else. I knew something had to change, so first step for me was to put the house on the market. At every stage, I left all my options open - e.g. I could have always backed out of buying the new house if I felt at any point I was making the wrong decision. By the time I eventually signed the dotted line, I was absolutely sure I was doing the right thing. I then arranged new schools etc. (having researched the area previously) so that when it all happened, it all happened at once. We formally separated on moving day, so it was just one huge change for the kids, rather than dragging them through it bit by bit, and then giving them the chance to adjust without further disruption.

If this is what you need to do too, then it is totally OK. You need to do what's right for you, not what society expects of you.

Think of where you want to be in a couple of years time, and aim for that.

Yes, it's wrong

You need to do what's right for you,

I disagree the OP needs to do what is right for the children

Having been in a similar situation, I think LibbyRibbon gives excellent advice.

I think you should go to Gloucestershire from a financial and family/friend support point of view.

If you stay where you are it sounds as if you will be under immense financial stress, and that will not be good for you or your children. If you are happy, believe me they will be.

As for your husband, it seems like he has checked-out of wanting a family anyway, so I (sadly) wouldn't count on him visiting them much where ever they are.

Like someone else said - always go with your gut, it's always right.

Good luck you WILL be fine xx

When my parents split we moved far away from my Dad. He couldn't be fucked seeing us either way.

It meant my mum's mental and financial health was way better than it would have been otherwise. IME it was the best thing for us hands down. We got over moving schools very very quickly.

Not saying that's everyone's experience but I think having a mum who was happy was the most important part of us being happy. She did what she needed to at the end of the day and none of us resented her for it.

Frankly if my dad had been that bothered he could easily have moved nearby. My mum didnt make contact difficult. He chose not to.

Thanks for all your words to me. It's very useful hearing all opinions, and that's why I asked my question. When you're in a situation it's so hard to see the wood for the trees! My husband and I haven't discussed any of this and I will do that before making any decision, I certainly wouldn't whisk the boys away if it were against his wishes to be honest. He's feeling very raw at the moment and is not in a good place for this conversation yet.
I do think they're young enough to resettle quickly, and they will have their God cousins (as they call them!) where we'd be moving to. I'd also be halving the distance to my parents.
But there are advantages to staying also, I and they do have friends and interests here. Financially it will be much much tougher though.

Re the threatening to walk out and leave you with all the bills and mortgage to cover, that's an idle threat as he will still be legally liable for anything which is currently in his name. He can resent all he likes, he has an obligation to support his children. Get some more legal advice. It is possible that you may have to sell the current house but you will get more than half the equity as you need to accommodate the children plus you will get maintenance for the children of course.

Don't make any decisions about moving until you've got an agreed financial settlement. Once you know what the exact numbers are, you can make sensible decisions and if you can't afford a house where you are currently living, then you will need to move somewhere cheaper and if he has any objections to that, he'll have to be more generous with the division of assets.

Move. What's best for you finacially and support wise IS often in the best interests of the children. Do not underestimate the strain of being g a si gle parent to 3 children. The fact he is threatening to put the family home at risk to push you, shows how much he gives a flying fuck about the children's stability and welfare.

Usually, it's stated on MN that it is the parent who moves away who should bear the cost/effort/hassle of transporting the DC to the place where the parent who hasn't moved continues to reside.

Will you be able to do this for your DC, minimum EOW (but that's a very low level of contact for your DC).

Whatever you think your STBX might do in terms of access, the overriding interest here is for your DC to continue to have a relationship with both parents.

This outweighs your desire to be nearer your family. Yes, it sounds like it could be tough for you to stay in your current location, but do remember that your current point of comparison is what you think your family elsewhere might do for you and what life will be like, not what it actually is

Sorry to be harsh, but which comes first? Your untested dreams, or your DC's right to both parents?

the overriding interest here is for your DC to continue to have a relationship with both parents.

I don't agree this is the case in all situations. My father wasn't remotely interested in having a proper relationship with us. It would have been to the detriment to all of us if my mum had stayed somewhere she couldn't really afford to live just to attempt to facilitate contact with him.

I agree with dragons. What's best financially and support wise for the resident parent often is what's in the best interest of that child.

What's best for you finacially and support wise IS often in the best interests of the children.

Couldn't agree more.

When a couple are separating it's a very stressful time and the advice is not to make life changing decisions quickly. Also consider the area you are moving from and how different it will be for the children. My friend moved from suburbs with her daughter to a rural location. She felt it offered a wonderful life for her dd. The dd was 11 and approaching teen years so found rural life equaled zero independence and she was much further away from her father. She spent her teenage years rebelling and had a poor relationship with her mum. The move may have been positive for the mum as she had the rural life she liked however it wasn't the dream for her daughter so I don't think you can always say happy mum=happy child.

Hi mrssh1807, just wanted to share my experience if it helps...

ExH and I split up over 2.5 years ago. DCs 5 and 3 then, too young to understand which helped... He left for OW and despite the anger over that, we were united in putting the DCs first. He rented a flat 5 minutes walk away, which really helped in the initial adjustment for both of us as single parents, which meant if one ran out of nappies or wanted to pop in to see the DCs etc, we could.

I really wanted to keep the family home initially. As I felt it would be detrimental for the kids to lose their home and everything just because their dad fancied a change in scenery. My parents were going to help with buying out exH's share of the house. But we live in SE London and house prices have gone completely bonkers and to do so, would put my parents under huge financial strain.

In the last few months, we have decided to put the house on the market and I have found a smaller house to buy. There are compromises... We will be going from a 4-bedroom lovely period property to a rather ugly 70s semi-detached with 3 bedrooms, one a single but there is potential to convert some of the un-used space to living space in the future when my DCs are bigger and need the space. Financially, it would be a lot more affordable that staying in the family home.

I understand the pull of family... My family lives in another country 12 hours' flight away. There was a lot of emotive calls from family and friends to 'come back home' when the split first happened but I would never have done it to my DCs, taking them so far away from their dad, at that young age... And I think that has been the right decision as anyone would tell you, my DCs are two of the happiest children you will meet, and they are completely settled into the 'situation'. The older one who is more of a daddy's boy, has moments of wanting to see Daddy more and because we are so close by, we are able to arrange that fairly easily if need be. I can't imagine what that would be like if we were 150 miles away!

Funnily enough, my DCs are almost 8 and 6 now and I can see a future where I might consider taking them back to my home country in a few years' time to live for a little while. And I have brought this up with my exH. I would only be willing to consider this when they are old enough to understand what that entails and are able to make decisions themselves about when and how often they want to see their dad living in another country.

I think it's a very emotive time for you right now... Somtimes it is best to let the dust settle a bit and you will be able to see clearer... All the best.

I wouldn't move from your home town. The kids will have enough adjusting to do, without you changing their schools. They'd also be leaving all their friends behind. That's too many changes all at once, IMO. Have you asked the children what they want? Where would they like to be? If you do move 10 miles away, that doesn't mean you have to move schools. I moved 15 miles away and still managed the school run. Of course it was a longer round trip. But it's do-able. If anything it was a positive experience, as we got to chat for 30 mins to and from school. I learned a lot on those school runs!

If you have friends and support there then of course you should move.
You can do what you want to when you divorce and whilst the dc come first you don't have to stay in an area where you aren't happy.
It is up to your xdh when the time comes to work out access and not your problem.

My XH was never hands on, in fact he was a lazy useless arse.
I chose to stay local to him. No immediate financial issue but rubbish for my career with current company and a killer commute for me.

Now XH has a girlfriend with a child and more frequently wants to play happy families. Through gritted teeth because of the reason, I have to say that the outcome of divorce and staying local has been the making of his relationship with her.

It would have been very easy to move away, and think "you don't bloody do anything anyway" but that would have stopped something good that has come after.

I speak to another solicitor about staying put, keeping the marital home until your youngest is 18, going back to work full time and - most importantly - working out a care arrangement that gives him proper time with them. EOW, plus at LEAST one night in the week.

Do not take on childcare as your responsibility alone!

I cannot understand why a resident parent who has majority of the childcare and expenses should struggle so the nrp does not have to travel. If as a couple you have always coparented equally and other parent is very involved this is a totally different matter. This other parent is a twat - the op breeds to do what's best for her long term as her well being, stress levels and happiness are what will constitute the majority of the children's well being.

The OP and her H haven't yet even discussed if/how they will share care.

Thanks all. No we haven't discussed anything much yet, we're at the very early stages of separating. Neither of us has been in this situation before and we're both completely clueless. My question about moving away is thinking out loud if you like, because there is so much to consider. Each of my children has a very different relationship with their dad, my eldest and he are very strained, my middle is very close to him, my youngest is a mummy's boy but would miss him....initially. He'd soon adjust. I worry for my middle son whatever the outcome. I believe he'll be most affected.

I've accepted we cannot keep the marital home, it's already on the market. We need to figure out what comes next. I have no idea how we do this, will be searching for some advice :) I want to try and keep things as amicable as possible but not sure that will happen.

We'd always said we'd move now, before our eldest starts secondary school. That's another reason why it's in my mind to do so. I don't want to remove the boys so they cannot easily access him, I was stunned when he initially said he'd leave their care to me. I hope he's reconsidered this. We need to talk but just can't at the moment, he's so angry with me and we are barely in the same room.

I know it needs to happen, just wish it wasn't bloody Christmas.

As if a man who is bullying you to take your children and leave your home. A man who is also threatening to leave you with debts is not going to be concerned about seeing his children every fortnight. Move.

When you say he isn't interested in seeing the children now- what has he said exactly?

You will be a single parent to 3 children and as you've said the dc's will need to move schools anyway I think you should seriously consider going. If the marital home will be sold H will have to move somewhere also, would he have the money to stay in your current area? If he is also buying a house would he buy one that's further out of London (assuming that's where you are now), cheaper, with a further commute but closer to you and dc's than if he bought very close to where you are now?
It is about you as well as the dc's, you could find yourself in a situation where you are struggling to make ends meet, working all hours to pay the bills and with little or no support. That would affect them too!