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Original poster

He was married, wasn't he?

81 replies

VenusInFauxFurs · 12/12/2015 20:41

I was dating a guy for 5/6 months earlier this year. I met him through an online dating site. He lived up north but worked in London during the week. We saw each other once a week or so (although it probably averaged out slightly less overall). He rented a room in a family house when he was down south so we always met at my place.

The relationship finished because his contract down here finished and he returned to live in the North full-time. We tried to do a long distance relationship for a bit (he travelled down once at the weekend and stayed the night). We didn't see one another for the last month before he ended things saying the long distance thing was making him miserable.

We stayed in contact as friends after things ended. Just occasional chatty emails.

The thing is, I never knew his address. It came up a couple of times (once because I wanted to post him an invitation, I forget the other time) and he just kind of dodged the question and I let it go.

I mailed him the other day saying that I had a Christmas card that I wanted to post. He went uncharacteristically quiet (he answers every email within half a day or so, usually straightaway). So last night I emailed him saying "I presume you're not talking to me because you don't want me to know your address? What's that all about?"

Email from him this morning - first half is usual chatty bollocks, then he said "Just a bit uncomfortable giving you my, DS's & my registered company's address. Sorry."

It had crossed my mind before that his marriage might not be as over as he said it was (the address thing mostly, but also the fact that he isn't on any social media and well, the 'working away from home' thing would be the perfect set-up to facilitate an affair) but I had dismissed it because there were other things that made it seem less likely. Saying that he 'wasn't comfortable' with me knowing his address just made it seem likely that he is still living with his "ex". I emailed back saying "Oh, fuck off. Don't contact me again." Not my most erudite moment.

So what do you think? Have I been an unwitting Other Woman? Am I an idiot?

I know it doesn't matter now. The relationship was over and now the 'friendship' definitely is too. My friends don't refuse to let me know where they live. Even if he isn't still happily married / unhappily married / separated and cohabiting and lying about it, then it still seems fucking weird.

I suppose I want to know how to handle possible future situations like this. I have started OLD again. Although I will probably just assume that they're all adulterous arseholes until I get evidence otherwise.

Blimey, that was long. Sorry.

OP posts:
Puffpastry1 · 13/12/2015 00:03

Like you Sefoolie, I've heard all sorts. I also have on my profile that I don't date separated, I only date single or divorced. I also won't go on a date with someone who doesn't speak to me regularly.

If someone is genuine they will be open and want to show you they're single. Everyone knows there are all sorts online and if they become defensive I hit the delete button.

I had a guy once who's profile on POF said he was in IT and he told me he had no internet at home.... yeah right!

foragogo · 13/12/2015 00:05

Does he live in a place beginning with D?

Original poster
VenusInFauxFurs · 13/12/2015 00:09

Hi AnyFucker. My original post asked about how I can prevent this happening again so I am happy for any advice.

There really didn't seem to be any red flags. He worked in London but returned to Yorkshire each weekend because he owned a house there and because his teenage DS lived with him at weekends. Most of our dates were at my house but we also went out to the theatre/comedy gigs etc.

I DID ask a RL friend when I first started worrying about the "Is he really single?" thing. I know from the New Years' Swingers Party thread that you don't have much truck with weirdy kinky sexual preferences, but Mr Secret-Address and I had a BDSM relationship. He had numerous implements delivered to him via Amazon of a weekend. One time he had a massive polypropylene whip delivered. He sent me photos of it before and after unwrapping. When it was delivered, it was wrapped in black plastic packaging. It looked entirely massive-fuck-off-whip-like. I was reassured that if he was having a (kinky, spanky) affair with me then he wouldn't be having items delivered like that to his home.

OP posts:
sefoolie · 13/12/2015 00:13

No internet at home! He must have thought you were born yesterday! I reverse google the photos sometimes. You'd be surprised what comes up. I agree that if people are genuine they won't want to act shifty about straight forward details.

sefoolie · 13/12/2015 00:15

Venus, has the messaging during the day been mentioned? I never got as far as meeting this man but most of the people I've chatted to, they message at home, in the evening, after work. But once or twice I've noticed that I'd get a message during the day, reply to it, and then I wouldn't get another message until the next day. So they were either in Australia or messaging from work! That's another thing that'd smell like married to me.

sefoolie · 13/12/2015 00:16

Blimey O'Reilly. He'll miss you more than you should miss him.

Original poster
VenusInFauxFurs · 13/12/2015 00:23

sefoolie - He was in his sixties, wouldn't have been anything to look at 30 years previously, he was overweight and not dressed well

Getting off-topic, but why would you expect that a polyamorous man would need MORE to recommend him than anyone else? Surely it's the monogamous types who really need to sell themselves? If you enter into a monogamous relationship, you are basically saying "I AM SO AWESOME! I AM ALL YOU NEED SEXWISE EVER!" Your polyamorous book-reading bus gentleman may have recognised that although he was excellent in certain sexy/romantic/kinky areas, his lady friends might require other people to satisfy other sexual or emotional needs.

OP posts:
Puffpastry1 · 13/12/2015 00:28

I do think its a bit green though Venus to date someone for 5/6 months and know nothing about where he lives/not be able to contact him when he's home.

Original poster
VenusInFauxFurs · 13/12/2015 00:31

sefoolie - has the messaging during the day been mentioned?

He texted far more than I did. There was no particular time of day he wouldn't text. Although he tended to go to bed earlier than I did. He'd be in bed by eleven, I'd often stay up until two. There were no flags there at all.

OP posts:
Puffpastry1 · 13/12/2015 00:36

Apart from you knowing nothing about his other life up North for 5/6 months Confused or did you just block any warning signs out?

Original poster
VenusInFauxFurs · 13/12/2015 00:38

I do think its a bit green though Venus to date someone for 5/6 months and know nothing about where he lives/not be able to contact him when he's home.

Puff, I don't want to sound like I'm defending the bastard, but I had his phone number (and therefore text and WhatsApp) and email address. We were "Words with Friends"-ing most days and "in a relationship" on FetLife. It didn't occur to me to want his postal address for quite a while.

OP posts:
sefoolie · 13/12/2015 00:42

I wouldn't have much sympathy for the "emotional need" to have two or three sexual relationships on the go concurrently when the majority of people can cope with one or none even. Not sure it's a real need in the same way that people could consider the need for one relationship a need. It's easier for very good looking people to get away with having all of their sexual desires met instantly and easily, so for that reason it's probably more common. NO judgement linked to looks though. Just the ease of meeting desires. If it's easier it's bound to happen more.

But I'm the type who needs well, an address, a sur name, an insight in to the person's schedule, to feel like the one chosen, not Tuesday evening.

sefoolie · 13/12/2015 00:47

I think it's good to ring once early on. I once rang a man I'd been texting by accident! and then pressed end call end call in a panic. But it occurred to me, one phone call on a saturday or a sunday. If he doesn't extend the courtesy of picking up your call then don't extend him the courtesy of commenting on his whip Wine
lordyblessus

Original poster
VenusInFauxFurs · 13/12/2015 00:49

Fair enough sefoolie, really not trying to sell polyamory to anyone. Not sure it's for me, to be honest. But I thought your "wouldn't have been anything to look at 30 years previously, he was overweight and not dressed well" comment was quite mean. I quite like a fat, scruffy guy as it goes. I'm pretty fat and scruffy myself.

OP posts:
foragogo · 13/12/2015 00:54

Send the card!

Puffpastry1 · 13/12/2015 00:54

But you knew nothing about him, only what he told you. After a couple of months surely you'd question why he never rang you from a home phone or was able to carry on the fetish there?

Puffpastry1 · 13/12/2015 00:56

*wasnt

It's a bit of a bloody give-away that he lived up North and never invited you up there or spoke to you when his daughter was around.

foragogo · 13/12/2015 00:57

Not everyone has a home phone, i only have a mobile. after a few months i would have expected to have been invited to go up and see his place etc if he'd been single though.

Puffpastry1 · 13/12/2015 00:58

I also have my preferences where weight and dress is concerned.

Puffpastry1 · 13/12/2015 01:01

People of a certain age usually do have a home phone if they've lived somewhere for a long time and don't private rent. But point taken there foragogo.

lorelei9 · 13/12/2015 11:29

venus - don't beat yourself up, it's done now. Just have your suspicion radar on next time.

Self - thanks. the most recent record they have for me is from about 10 years ago which is fine, I've moved.

lorelei9 · 13/12/2015 12:24

can't find it - if anyone has it on watch, please could i have the link? Grin

spudlike1 · 13/12/2015 12:27

Move on other wise your feeding negativity and bitterness.
your response was perfect well.done

sefoolie · 13/12/2015 12:42

Yes i think your reply was perfect!
Glad you sent it before you over thought it.

Jenna3333 · 13/12/2015 20:04

I think you're so lucky to not be in a relationship with him any more and great reply to him. I can see how it happened because I got sucked in by a married man and didn't realise at first. Yes, some of us are nicely naive, it happens, you can't help who you are, just learn from it.
But what is it with married men? Why can't they just do the decent thing with their wife and either leave them or stay faithful, such a load of idiots.

That's why I always believe that if anyone knows someone who is having an affair that the cheated on spouse has the right to know.
I was a cheated on wife and I wish someone had told me. It's a shame you can't tell his wife what an idiot he is.