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Original poster

Told me he loves me, we can't be together, can things stay like they were?

62 replies

Lostyu5 · 12/12/2015 19:26

I've been friends with a man 12 years my senior, for 2 years. He's divorced and has 3 kids. He doesn't want anymore.

I'm 30 and do want kids very much. On that basis nothing has ever happened between us. I'm fact he's had a partner for the last 2 years. I'm currently single but dating.

Last week, we were both drunk, he told me he loved me, and had done for a few months. He said he understood regarding children and that me and him would never be anything because he respected the fact I do want them. He also said he felt perhaps I felt love too, even if not to the same extent. He is right, I have felt I loved him for months but didn't say because of the children reason.

We have talked about it since and he said he couldn't keep it from me any longer and he doesn't want to hurt me, that he will always be there for me and can't imagine not being in my life in the same way he always has.

This has confused me. I sort of knew he felt this way, we had never even kissed or said anything about it, because there is no point. I knew he went home to his new ish partner and he knows I go on dates.

Now it has been said, can we realistically go back to how it was before?

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 12/12/2015 21:41

So what do you want?

goddessofsmallthings · 12/12/2015 21:51

Of course it isn't ideal he has a partner but life isn't always that simple.

You take the prize for understatement of the year, or should that be the prize for naivety? Hmm

He has a partner and his loyalty should lie with her. It is that simple but it seems you're fool enough to believe otherwise.

I don't need to be psychic to know that this man is a serial cheater and if you hop into bed with him you'll see how fast he doesn't leave his partner. It'll almost be worth it to see how creative he can be with his excuses for not being able to end his relationship with her, but that way lies madness for you.

OhYesToYestyn · 12/12/2015 21:52

do you want it to go back to friendship as before (i.e. no mentioning love)? If so, yes you can, just tell me not to talk about his feelings as it's pointless AND disrespectful to his GF. If you think you can't go back to that because you also have feelings, best to cut him off or at least to distance hugely, just an odd friendly contact.
But be careful OP not to get lost in the 'if only' as it may stop you being excited by others (been there).

NameChange30 · 12/12/2015 21:58

He's in a relationship and telling ANOTHER WOMAN that he loves her. Whether or not he intends to take it further is beside the point. He's already been emotionally unfaithful.

Even aside from the kids issue, he's not a decent bloke. You can't be friends with him now all this has been said. Unless you want to be together (in which case he should obviously split up with his partner first) you should KEEP WELL AWAY from each other.

Allofaflumble · 13/12/2015 00:04

If you ever really need his "friendship" you won't see him for dust.

PoorFannyRobin · 13/12/2015 01:23

Oh, he absolutely knew exactly what he was doing when he told you. The whole conversation sounds so very calculated. And so confident in telling you that he felt that perhaps you felt the same! As soon as I read that little scenario, I was pretty convinced that he was well-practiced and pretty certain of the outcome. If his feelings had been sincere, the entire conversation on that night and afterwards would have had a completely different tone and been of a different nature.

Inexperiencedchick · 13/12/2015 02:29

My coworker loves someone but he is not relationship material.
What he has is a friendship with her, she is unaware of his feelings for her. When I asked why his reply was: "I don't want to settle down as i prefer a single life, she wants a family. It will be very selfish of me to keep her from finding someone who can offer her what she wants and I better keep my feelings for her inside of me."

That's I understand as being thoughtful... I don't think your so called friend is a caring person. If he would be he would actually care for keeping the friendship you had.
He definitely has a plan and you are buying his BS.

TheStoic · 13/12/2015 02:48

Don't you think it's a bit cruel of someone who knows you care for him, knows he will never give you want you want, but keeps you hanging on anyway?

Would you do that to someone you genuinely cared about?

Isetan · 13/12/2015 04:28

The fact that you think that him professing his love for you, while he's in a relationship isnt such a big deal, means he called it/you right.

You're being primed and the beauty of this manoeuvre is that you will do most of the work. His drunken confession, has confirmed your feelings for him and your lack of horror at being hit on (whilst he's in a relationship), confirms that with a little bit more ego stroking, you could be up for some 'but we couldn't help ourselves' snogging/shagging.

Your current angsting over 'being just friends' is just the start.

I'm currently watching the wildlife programme 'The Hunt' and if David Attenborough had been doing the narration of this old devil working his magic on this naive young thing, it would still be tragic but at least it would entertaining.

Wristy · 13/12/2015 07:18

I'm afraid they can't stay as they were- see past tense. It's all completely changed now.

I've been there too, adamant I would be just a friend to this man despite our feelings. The problem always was it wasn't what he wanted. You do not go around professing love to people you want to be just friends with.

It was a complete head fuck. We're not friends or even close anymore. I had to walk away because he wanted more than friendship from me.

TendonQueen · 13/12/2015 07:29

You said yourself the children issue is a deal breaker. So given that it can't go anywhere with him, it was stupid of him to even bring it up, because there are then only two possible outcomes. One, you both feel awkward about it and the friendship is never quite the same. Two, you get drawn into a relationship once you know about his feelings, in spite of knowing full well that it can't have a happy ending.

What you have to ask yourself is: which of those outcomes was he going for?

hesterton · 13/12/2015 07:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 13/12/2015 07:36

I'm amazed that you think it's okay that he's living with one woman whilst in love with another. What would you have said if you weren't the object of his affections? If he'd come and told you he loved so-and-so but as they couldn't be together he was going to continue to hedge his bets and stay with his DP?

If he actually cared about you, he would have kept his own counsel. I think at the very least he gets off on the attention that the 'doomed love triangle' gives him. I suspect the story will progress to 'I can't hold myself back any more, I want to be with you but since I can't give you what you want, let's just sleep together anyway'. You'll be convinced that this is all the relationship you can have with him and that something is better than nothing. You already feel absolutely nothing about his DP, you're well on the way to thinking the two of you have an affair is the best possible outcome for everyone.

Lweji · 13/12/2015 07:43

Even without all considerations, if you do want to find anyone to have children with, do you think it's a good idea to keep seeing a man you're in love with?
You either won't be emotionally available to anyone else or be untruthful to your possible partner.

AuntieStella · 13/12/2015 07:50

"What he said to me was genuine and heartfelt"

Nah. Drunken ego boost.

But from a nice enough guy to attempt to do a decent cover up job when sobered up, and not to be pressing it further.

There is zero indication that he's going to change his mind about either children or his partner.

So how to put it behind you - you act at all times as it if never happened

AnyFucker · 13/12/2015 08:03

You are having an emotional affair with this guy

If you really respected his GF, but more to the point really respected YOURSELF, you will walk away now.

Blu · 13/12/2015 08:31

Well not much has changed because you already knew that if things were different in wanting kids you would be together, you knew that he knew that,?and all he has done is say it.

So it is still the way it was .

The problem for you is that he is present in your emotions and people you date will be subconsciously measured against him, or while your 'if only's are pinned on him you are not as open to other approaches , just playing at it,

As AnyFucker says it is an emotional affair.

You don't want to find yourself in the same position as him in two years: maybe ttc with a partner and meeting up with a 'friend' and mooning about telling him you love him!

Anyway, all credit to you. Many women would have gone ahead with a relationship with him believing that they could get him to change his mind about kids.

I think you need to deploy the same clarity of purpose around this situation.

DiscoDiva70 · 13/12/2015 08:46

Op
Where do you keep seeing him to have these "heartfelt" meetings? You say you've spoken to him since he told you about his 'love' for you, so do you frequent the same pub? Is he a neighbour or work colleague?

Whatever, you must be able to avoid him if you really want to, but I imagine you'll just keep seeing him because you're obviously deluded to the fact that he sees you as nothing more than a wouldbe convenient shag.

He's saying all this bollocks about 'loving you' because he's sensing that you're believing him, and so the more he says it he knows you'll soon end up letting him use you for sex when he wants it. Can't you see this?

If you continue to see him it won't be long before you're sucked into a physical affair with him, years can pass by and before you realise he's used you all along it'll be too late for you to have the family you want.
Another thing, don't ever be stupid also to accidentally on purpose get pregnant by him, thinking he'll want more children after all with you, because you won't see him for dust and you'll be left as a single parent trying to fight for child support.
As others have said, stay away from this user and find yourself a man who wants a family also and who will love and respect you.

dangerrabbit · 13/12/2015 10:15

This is not going to work out even if you were both single because of the difference of opinion about kids.

Now you have had this conversation you can't even have a friendship because it's going to be awkward.

Ask yourself whether you would even want to have a friendship anyway now he has shown what kind of person he is anyway.

magoria · 13/12/2015 11:19

All the time you spend hanging around angsting over this guy you are comparing dates to him and they will come up short.

They will come up short to a man in a relationship, not planning on leaving it who you don't have common future goals with.

You are preventing yourself forming a relationship.

Drop this guy from your life, go no contact to make space for a single man at some stage.

magoria · 13/12/2015 11:20

And think of his poor partner while he tells you he loves you.

Hillfarmer · 13/12/2015 11:54

I don't think OP wants the answers this board has been unanimous in giving.

What do you want to hear OP?

How about - 'Yes, this sounds like a wonderful friendship. How lovely to have an understanding older man in your life, who wants nothing but the best for you and loves you wholeheartedly, and asks for nothing in return. Many people wait their whole lives for a pure love like this. Wow,with this level of esteem-raising support and adoration you will easily be able to sail out into the world and find the partner of your dreams with whom to raise a gorgeous family. And all the while, you will have a fabulous platonic friendship that will be actively supported and encouraged by your new partner and his long-term girlfriend. Nothing but happiness can come out of this situation.!'

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/12/2015 12:10

You're looking at this through very naive eyes. He is not.

Here's how it will go. He'll tell you that he has feelings for you, and that he knows you do too. He'll slowly edge towards an affair with you - a stolen kiss when "he couldn't help himself", etc. He'll be the perfect date - he'll listen to you talking about other men, encourage you to have children. He'll make comments about how mean fate is and how if he'd met you first, yada yada, just enough to make you believe. His aim during this whole period is that you'll fall in love enough that you won't be interested in other men, they won't compare.

Eventually, he'll have you as his bit on the side, waiting around for him to appear. He'll have his partner, wonderfully unaware of what he is doing. He'll have the knowledge that he never told you not to find someone else - infact, he did the opposite. He never promised you children.

It's emotional warfare. It works. You won't be the first victim, or the last. If you don't believe it yet, try to keep a bit of time each week to work out where you are on the scale, and see how predictable men like this are. Otherwise, save yourself the pain.

spudlike1 · 13/12/2015 12:19

It's very flattering for you and him to have this 'thing' keep it sweet end it now .
Move on
You need an available man who ultimately wants commitment and children with you .
This man is offering you neither

Lweji · 13/12/2015 12:19

Do you know why he's divorced?

I'd bet cheating. Even if he told you something else.