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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I AM FUMING!!! - POOR DS!

28 replies

kittylettekissingsanta · 13/12/2006 19:59

Its DS1s 2nd birthday,

we had a tea party, MIL didnt come because ex-hubby FIL was there,

anyone else think this is bang out of order??

theyve been speratled 6 years ffs!

my son is only 2, hows he suppost to understand why she isnt there??

THEN MIL turns up at our house at 7pm with presents from DHs brother and fiance - they werent bothering to come see him either!!!

they live 10 minutes away and drive!! ok the fiancee IS pregnant and a few days over due - but she manages to go shopping!

PLUS dHS NANA AND GRANDAD havent called or come to see DS either, and they live literally round the corner, 30 seconds away!!

so out of DFs family one person has bothered to conme to his party - his dad!

when his mum came round i was fuming - she asked what was wrong but i didnt say - it just causes too much grief!

im pissed with his BIL really too, i know shes pregnant - but when that babies born we will be expected to bus it with 2 kids under two to the hospital!!

should i bring it up??

or when SIL gives birth should i give MIL the pressies and not visit her in hospital?? let her know how it feels??

TBH DS is oblivious to it all, all my family were here so hes fine, but if i let them 'get away with it' now, they do it when hes older, and he will be hurt!

advice??

OP posts:
mummymic · 13/12/2006 20:07

i understand your frustrations - my xp family dont have anything to do with his 2 children (2 and 7 months) they have only seen dd once (at ther christening!) and never seen ds2 - couldnt make it to his!
even xp parents not much better - only seen dd 4 times in the last year and ds2 3 times and one of those times was an accident!
i think it is something to do with mens families
i have learned to not let it stress me, but to say it is them that are missing out, and that means all the more cuddles from my family who really do want to be there

VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/12/2006 20:11

He's TWO FFS! He doesnt care - I guarantee it! Really not worth getting het up over.

As for being really upset with BIL - as someone who was very overdue - no - quite frankly a two year olds tea party would be the LAST thing I'd want to go to.

Original poster
kittylettekissingsanta · 13/12/2006 20:19

No, he may not care now, but he will care in years to come!

so you honestly think its OK, not to attend your grandsons/ nephew / greatgrandsons 2nd brthday party for no good reason??

my pregnant sil spend all day yesterday in manchester town centre shopping!! plus there was only my DS there, no other kids, as he doesnt go to playschool ect - so it was just adults and him

i think its digusting behaviour, i would NEVER do that to a 2 year old

OP posts:
MammyMto3kids · 13/12/2006 20:21

I know how you feel, my third is 6 months old, yet to be visited AT ALL by some family members! You're right, your son is 2, he won't have noticed this time! The only person who's really upset is you, are you going to let them make you feel like this?! Rise above it and see your IL's baby when he/she arrives. In my experience, a lot of adults find attending a child's birthday party horrendous, a lot of my kids parties have not been attended by their grandparents, and they are doting grandparents, just simply because they're not missed, not as bad as it sounds, they make the effort to see the kids another, quieter time when they get more 'quality' time with them, also, could it be that your IL's thought that they wouldn't be missed without realising that no-one else would turn up aswell and if they had, they may have made more effort, take comfort from the fact that they bothered to get gifts to send! Try not to let it bother you too much, draw a line under it and start fresh!

shepherdswatchedtheirfLOCKETS · 13/12/2006 20:24

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/12/2006 20:28

why - will you tell him when he is older that his nan and uncles didnt attend his tea party when he was two?

I understand you being proud, and excited and wanting him to have lots of attention, I really do - but I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill - he is only two.

And - yes - i think being heavily pregnant is a good enough excuse not to attend any function, if she didnt feel like it. Your DS wont have known she was there or not there - give her a break.

He is only two - he doesnt have a clue! He doesnt have hurt feelings, he doesnt miss them, he couldnt care less - tehre are lots of parcels and cakes and things.......thats all he's seeing.

I really wouldnt be bothered about folk missing a 2nd birthday do.

Original poster
kittylettekissingsanta · 13/12/2006 20:30

well i am

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/12/2006 20:30

well dont be - life's too short

shepherdswatchedtheirfLOCKETS · 13/12/2006 20:32

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lulumama · 13/12/2006 20:33

kitty..he'l be more upset by his mummy being upset and distraught than who was or wasn't at the parrty......don;t get in a tizz......you where there, and his dad and sibling, so the most important people in his life were there...

Peggotty · 13/12/2006 20:33

Kitty
I know it hurts when there isn't a lot of interest from your DH's side of the family. I have the same situation with mine. But it is true that your DS will not be affected by it at the moment. It is THEIR loss - children tend to accept things the way they are - they may never pay the amount of attention to him that you'd like, I've finally accepted that to be the case with DD.

LittleSarah · 13/12/2006 20:34

Yes I would be bothered, not coming to a family gathering with a crap excuse (and am excluding the pregnant SIL from this) is just rude. Yes your son won't remember, it is you they are treating shabbily, of course it pisses you off.

I mean there is really no point in worrying about it, I often remind myself you can't change people, but I totally understand your feelings/

wannaBeOnTopOfTheChristmasTree · 13/12/2006 20:36

Tbh I think you are overreacting. In reality the birthday party was for you, not your ds, esp as there were no other children there, and as he?s only two he doesn?t even understand the concept of having a birthday, let alone who was at his party. As for when he gets older, tbh he won?t be bothered then either if family generally aren?t there, my ds never sees my sil, last saw her in May for about an hour, and really isn?t bothered by it. Kids seem to notice who was there rather than who wasn?t iyswim, as long as you and his dad were there that?s all that counts, and when he gets older he?ll be more interested in having parties that his friends can go to rather than having ones for family.

tissy · 13/12/2006 20:41

this has the potential to turn into a HUGE family falling-out; is that what you WANT to happen? Because if you make a point of telling the relatives how you feel, you could end up making sure that they never come to any of ds's parties EVER AGAIN.

Let it lie. Your MIL turned up, with presents from her and ds's aunt and uncle. Consider him lucky for that, not unlucky that they didn't come at the time you nexpected them to.

Troutpout · 13/12/2006 20:42

Hope he had a lovely birthday!
and don't let is spoil your day with him.

mymama · 13/12/2006 20:59

I agree with wannaBeOnTopOfTheChristmasTree. The party was for you not your ds. If your mil had come to the party and had a huge row with xh you would be upset too.

You are obviously very excited about your ds's 2nd birthday but that does not mean everyone else has to be!

Not going to see the baby when it is born can hardly be compared to your ds's 2nd birthday. They have seen him when he was born and on his 1st birthday, so for you not to go to the hospital IS rude.

I personallyt think 1st birthdays are important for all to attend and then who cares after that except for mummy and daddy.

FluffyMummy123 · 13/12/2006 22:03

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CouldEquallyHaveBeenAnAardvark · 13/12/2006 22:06

Way, way overreacting, IMO.

LittleSarah · 13/12/2006 22:11

Yes her son is two, but kitty is not, and neither is her family, surely they should treat her with courtesy.

Oh, nevermind her feelings!

LittleSarah · 13/12/2006 22:13

'I personallyt think 1st birthdays are important for all to attend and then who cares after that except for mummy and daddy.'

I would care if I invite people who care about me and children and they didn't show.

LittleSarah · 13/12/2006 22:14

'my children'

shepherdswatchedtheirfLOCKETS · 13/12/2006 22:15

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noonar · 13/12/2006 22:21

i think you have reason to feel a little hurt, but not really justified about being so angry.

did they accept an invitation and then not turn up? or did you just expect them to pop round? could it be that they thought you were having a quiet tea with just you, ds and dh?

my dd aged 2 certainly understands the concept of birthday parties! maybe try to make a few friends his age , eg at toddler group, so that he can rely on his friends to make it more of an occasion next year.

7swansaswimmingup · 13/12/2006 22:28

can see why youre so pissed off kitty. my father lives in the same village as me, two minute drive and didnt come to my house to see ds on his 2nd birthday or my eldest on his birthday, and hes refused to come xmas eve even though the eldest has begged him to come. he wont come because he doesnt like me and it used to bother me and id get really angry and upset like you are but like others have said you have to let it go over your head.

it does piss me off that he will be visiting my nephew on his 2nd birthday in the morning because he thinks the sun shines outa my sisters ass!

Blu · 13/12/2006 22:30

If you want them to know it is imprtant to you, then when your MIL asks what is wrong say "I feel abit sad that more people weren't able to come to the tea party" - and then they will know next time. Fuming but refusing to tell won't help, and being reallly angry won't either - as Tissy says.

What was SIL shopping for? last minute baby things? maybe she overdid it, maybe she is feeling dodgy, and wasn't yesterday.