Relationships after divorce and responsibilities

[TwilightRabbit]

Hi, I'm not new, but had to re-register after the hacking thingy. I lurk a lot but don't post!

After some sage advice please!

I divorced my gaslighting ex 6 years ago, and quite quickly started a new relationship. He is slightly younger. Lovely bloke, initially very attentive, kind etc.

5 years in, and I feel like his bloody mother. We can't live together (long story, but if I cohabit, I owe the ex money, and I won't do that because the kids would lose their house then) , and he seems to still have the single life - goes to see his friends, gigs, etc, whilst I'm stuck at home, still effectively being a single parent. I still have all the responsibility, whilst he doesn't. He feels like a boyfriend, not a partner.
I don't think it's all his fault - some of it is just the situation.

Example - DS2's birthday this week. He'd stayed over the night before, and got up in the morning for present opening etc. He then went back to bed until 11.30, got up and left to go shopping (for Christmas, not food!) I did all the washing, cleaning etc, and spent ages making a cake for DS2, and food for a wee family party. He comes back at 4pm, does nothing to help. When everyone leaves at 6pm, he says he doesn't fancy what we're having for tea and leaves to go to his. I'm very pissed off.

Struggling how to handle it - I've raised it with him, and he denies everything.

I do love him, but do I keep trying, or throw it all away when he's really a nice man, but essentially he is just an overgrown boy with no responsibilities.

Thank you :)

Phone went funny and missed half this thread.

Advise is even stronger now to sack him off. He would happily see your DC go with out food etc.

Not a good bloke and living together would not fix this one.

Twighlight what wasn't clear at all from your opening post (which explains the initial harsh responses) is that what you're actually dealing with is a part time cocklodger.

Not having a go at you for that - I think you actually didn't realise it because your low opinion of yourself meant that instead of recognising your BF as a lazy user you turned it all in on yourself as being envious at him being able to see friends, go to gigs, you having to organise your DC's party etc.

You mentioned your gaslighting ex - I think your BF is sort of gaslighting in a different way by making you feel that your reasonable expectations of him are worthy of nothing more than his annoyance.

You genuinely sound like a nice person who has let herself be taken advantage of by this selfish man. You can't escape being you but you can certainly escape him! And I'd be willing to bet that you'll feel a lot happier in your own skin once you do.

And thanks for the

Tempus thankyou for that. Some of it is my fault - I know I can be grumpy, envious and depressive, none of which are nice qualities. For example, he recently got a LOT of money from PPI like #10,000. I certainly don't expect any of it, it's not mine. But it would've been nice if he'd said 'ooh let's go for a nice meal to celebrate' or something like that - see, I'm selfish :$

I think he might be coming round tonight, so I think we need a talk.

That's not selfish, that's part and parcel of the give/take of a proper relationship. If you don't get to share in his good fortune and he doesn't help out or support you then it's not really a relationship is it?

Tight and lazy. Seriously, you won't change him. Move on.

That's not selfish. Anyone normal would do that! Anyone normal would be disappointed if their apparent partner failed to suggest a small celebration under those circumstances.

He is the selfish one.

He doesn't sound like a DP to me at all, he is a BF at the most but as the others are saying he is more of a CL! He seems very selfish and lazy. I'm not sure why you want him around to be honest.

That's so not selfish!

Your boyfriend of 5 years didn't treat you, when he had a £10K windfall!

Really, you're worth more than this!

You're better than him op AND you deserve better.

You're a strong woman who is rolling with the hard knocks in life and coming out on top - even if it doesn't feel that way right now. Nobody has the right to determine your self worth - we can't control other's attitudes towards us but we can determine our own attitude towards our self.
Only you know what you've been through and how you're overcoming and dealing with it. It's easy to miss seeing the strength that gets us through when energy vampires like him are in our space.

I bet when your kids look at you they see a wonderwoman, someone who will always have their corner, someone who not only loves them but is also able to meet their basic needs and a lot more. They don't see what others have made you feel you are, or what you think of yourself....so that means there's another side of you that you're not seeing/can't see right now. Spend your energy on getting to know that side of you, him and other people's lives only take your focus away from that.

As for your 'd'b/p............

A decent human being - esp a bf of this duration - would be wanting to help you out, whether to lighten your load, provide companionship or even if it was just so that they could spend more free time with you... cos they 'love' you right? Friends do things like this...and unless i'm severely mistaken isn't there meant to be a base foundation of friendship in these kinds of relationships?

he's too self absorbed, self centered and selfish to ever put you or your dc anywhere near the top of his list. He's just using you for his own ends - even if he does genuinely have feelings for you.
Even basic manners dictate that if you use somebody else's food/utilities/toiletries on a regular basis then you offer an exchange - be that monetary or in kind.

The bit about him not eating meals with you/turning his nose up at food you've prepared is well....beyond words for me. I know from personal experience how that makes a person feel. one of my ex's was like this, he was living with me cos he had nowhere else to go, i was paying for everything and he would STILL whinge about me buying Asda Smart Price foods and refuse to eat/go elsewhere. The fact that i had £10-15 per week to spend on food/toiletries/utilities etc for TWO people seemed to not register with him.
I remember feeling hurt, feeling embarrassed and ashamed, and guilty. Then i got angry - why the FUCK was I being made to feel all this over FOOD? He was a human being JUST LIKE ME and if it was good enough for one human then it was good enough for another (barring any allergies/intolerances etc). There are people in this country going hungry and without, there are people around the world dying from starvation...i'm always grateful for having food on my table (even if i do indulge in the normal venting every now and then - which is NORMAL). And there he was turning his nose up at perfectly decent FREE food because it wasn't the right brand/whatever!!!!

Just who the fuck do these guys think they are to direct their arseholience at US?!!!!

Fuck him and his stunted evolutionary development!

Don't mind - I thought the same regarding food. He is so rude not to eat at yours because he doesn't fancy what you are cooking. Who is he to pick and choose?

To be fair to him about food, he is veggie and very picky. He doesn't like potatoes, carrots, cauliflower, broccoli,baked beans.... I've found it really difficult to find recipes that him and the DCs will eat. My SIL is veggie, and I've never even given it a second thought - she's so easy to cater for.

Tonight is a perfect example of the food thing - he rang to see if he could come over tonight and what's for tea. i said it was a roast dinner. He sounded disappointed (?!!) and asked if there was anything being made for him. I said no, because you didn't say you were coming (and bear in mind he wouldn't eat any of the veg, or the yorkshires or the stuffing) Again, I'm not his bloody mother, neither am I a restaurant. So he comes after tea. We've sat in silence pretty much this evening, other than him regaling me of work stuff, and the black bean, chipotle, avocado and chia seed sandwich he made himself for lunch ffs. To be fair, the silence is me being silently fuming/too cowardly to say anything meaningful!

I'd bin him over that pretentious sandwich alone !

Just kidding. I'd be very wary of someone in debt. Did his PPI windfall put him into the black ?

DontMindMe1 you made me laugh about the food - your ex didn't like Smart Price food?! Did he ever offer to cook or buy brands instead?! Something must be sinking in with DP as he's just offered to cook on Friday night. Part of me wants to say 'well we need to eat so one of us has to cook' but I'm biting my tongue lol.
You're right that maybe he should offer to help a wee bit because he loves me. I did say to him a few months back that he might love me, but sometimes it felt like he didn't like me. He just told me I was being ridiculous

and Iminshock - no it didn't put him in the black. He paid his car loan off (fair enough) and I have no idea what he's done with the rest, but he is still mentioning his credit card bill. And he's decided he's buying a new car now.

WTAF! He treats you like his Mum because he's a lazy fucker and you insist on acting like it. Your path of least resistance attitude (doing his laundry etc), encourages his behaviour and feeds your resentment.

You're not compatible and I think you are all too painfully aware of this, which begs the question, why are you really with him?

Oh please, please please Twilight, just tell him to go away. You will never meet anyone else if you're with him. He's draining your resources; he's stealing your emotional energy, which you could spend so much better on your children. I don't mean that you're neglecting your children, not at all, but that any attention and energy diverted towards this poor-excuse-for-a-man could quite simply enrich and enhance the worthwhile relationships you do have.

And you'd have more resources to direct onto yourself. You might even start feeling better about yourself and begin to see how much more you are worth.

Sounds like the balance just isn't there. BF and I don't live together and have no plans too, together 18 months. when I stay at his I often shop for supper, one of us cooks the other washes up. I don't do any off his household chores at all. He stays at mine too, he may shop or cook or it might be me. we share the expense and effort of our date nights. We appreciate that we are spending time at each others homes and show that appreciation through small kindnesses. I would never consider dumping me clothes on his floor although I do put them in his laundry basket. If he just cock lodged at mine and I at his (whatever the female equivalent is) then resentment and respect would have gone. It would be a conversation and if it continued then we would part ways.

This weekend he regrouted my shower as it really needed it (was minging) whilst I pottered with kids. Living apart suits some, it really suits us, but it's not supposed to cause resentment. Time he realised staying at yours is not to be taken for granted and is contingent on being a kind and thoughtful grateful BF.

Thank you for your insights everyone - I really do appreciate them - I have giggled at some, nodded at others, and burst into tears at others, but they have all been helpful, so thank you. I feel much more positive. I think I'm going to properly have a talk on Friday evening when the DCs aren't there, and we can 'have it out'. Whatever the relationship is at the minute, it isn't working - whether that's because he's a cocklodger, I'm a facilitator, or a mixture of the two. I think it speaks volumes that neither of us have bought any Christmas presents for each other yet

Wowser - just read the Abuser Profiles thingy by Lundy Bancroft on another thread, and my God that woman has them spot on - I've realised I was married to a Water Torturer and current DP is probably Demand Man. Bit of a revelation!

Go into the conversation knowing what you want and demand from this relationship rather than finding out what he is prepared to offer. That was always my mistake. What would I get offered and settle for? Now I decide what I want/need and settle for nothing less.

BF and I joke that I thought long and hard about 'us' and came to the conclusion that he is everything I need and most of what I want (and told him so). He knows which bits are on my wish list but aren't part of his nature/priorities/character etc. Likewise I know there's bits about me he'd lovelike to be different. None of it is a deal breaker though. These are fundamental differences in us which need to be acknowledged and accepted, even celebrated at times.

Decide what you need, what is non-negotiable and then also what you want or would like but can be flexible on. Then see whether he can provide it. Choosing a DP should be an active process which makes you ahppy and suits you; otherwise bin.