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Original poster

Relationships after divorce and responsibilities

71 replies

TwilightRabbit · 11/12/2015 12:27

Hi, I'm not new, but had to re-register after the hacking thingy. I lurk a lot but don't post!

After some sage advice please!

I divorced my gaslighting ex 6 years ago, and quite quickly started a new relationship. He is slightly younger. Lovely bloke, initially very attentive, kind etc.

5 years in, and I feel like his bloody mother. We can't live together (long story, but if I cohabit, I owe the ex money, and I won't do that because the kids would lose their house then) , and he seems to still have the single life - goes to see his friends, gigs, etc, whilst I'm stuck at home, still effectively being a single parent. I still have all the responsibility, whilst he doesn't. He feels like a boyfriend, not a partner.
I don't think it's all his fault - some of it is just the situation.

Example - DS2's birthday this week. He'd stayed over the night before, and got up in the morning for present opening etc. He then went back to bed until 11.30, got up and left to go shopping (for Christmas, not food!) I did all the washing, cleaning etc, and spent ages making a cake for DS2, and food for a wee family party. He comes back at 4pm, does nothing to help. When everyone leaves at 6pm, he says he doesn't fancy what we're having for tea and leaves to go to his. I'm very pissed off.

Struggling how to handle it - I've raised it with him, and he denies everything.

I do love him, but do I keep trying, or throw it all away when he's really a nice man, but essentially he is just an overgrown boy with no responsibilities.

Thank you :)

OP posts:
Original poster
TwilightRabbit · 11/12/2015 21:20

I have started being a bit more 'selfish' - like saying he can't come over if I'm working at home in the evening, or seeing my friends on a day off instead of him. It feels like we're drifting apart now though, and I think it's my fault for being more 'selfish'.
We don't really go on dates - he can't afford to pay for me too, and I can't afford to go out and pay a sitter as well. We do occasionally have a day out walking in the country though, and I really enjoy that.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwilightRabbit · 11/12/2015 21:24

Tempus - I don't see that it's his responsibility to do stuff in the house or for the DCs - he just doesn't have any responsibilities and I do, and there's a disconnect. I do expect him to help a bit when he's at mine. I just don't want to be responsible for him as well.

How do you make it work, living separately?

OP posts:
Original poster
TwilightRabbit · 11/12/2015 21:26

Bogey - thank you! That's exactly how I'm feeling!

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 11/12/2015 23:23

That doesn't sound like selfishness to me. You seem to use a lot of harsh words to describe yourself. Who do you remember saying things like selfish, crap, rubbish?

Original poster
TwilightRabbit · 12/12/2015 08:17

RedMapleleaf - don't remember anyone saying those things - happy childhood etc - it's just me describing me because I never seem to get anything right. I have to admit the first comments on here devastated me, even though I expected them - that it was my fault etc.

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 12/12/2015 08:37

I thought that some of the first comments on this thread were far too harsh on you, OP.

LionHeartedWoman · 12/12/2015 08:43

He doesn't sound very caring of you Twilight. He's supposed to care about you. It's part of the boyfriend charter Grin

LionHeartedWoman · 12/12/2015 08:45

You are not very kind in your thoughts/comments about yourself.

Squeegle · 12/12/2015 08:51

It's certainly not your fault but it does seem like he is living a different lifestyle than you. And he does sound irresponsible actually - lots of debt but still living a cappuccino lifestyle!

So the question for you is, do you want it to continue like this?, would you like to move in together (elsewhere), or do you actually not see a future. And how do you think he would answer those questions?

It sounds from what you have said as if he would move in now as this would be a nice easy option (if the situation allowed), but that he's not really doing anything that would mean you could all move into somewhere that is equally yours and his. To be honest he does sound a bit immature.

But if it works as a FWB, then carry on of course - but on your terms, is he comes round when it suits you!!

Good luck, I know what it's like. As single mums sometimes we just want someone to look after us. And that seems to be hard to find!

LineyReborn · 12/12/2015 09:00

I had a boyfriend like this when I first joined MN. I realised I wanted more and we drifted apart. It was for the best.

I met my now OH / DO two and a half years ago. We don't live together as we both have DCs and are both lone parents, but we help each other out a lot, practically and emotionally. It feels completely different.

LineyReborn · 12/12/2015 09:01

DP not DO

Rivercam · 12/12/2015 09:19

I agree with the other comments that he can't be responsible for the everyday running of your house, or raising your children.

However, I do think he can support you in other ways. for example, staying after the birthday party, and not leaving because he didn't fancy your food ( could suggested a takeaway!). He seems to pick and choose when he wants the relationship, and you have to fit in with his demands.

As Tempus has said, he seems like an extra child at times, and wants a relationship on his terms. Your description of your relationship sounds like he is stuck in the 1950's, ie. You have to be ready for your man.

It is not selfish to want to spend time with your friends etc. That's called 'having a social life'

Don't feel down on yourself. I'm sure you're doing fine, and sometimes the grass seems greener on the other side.

Do what's right for you and your family.

SanityClause · 12/12/2015 09:27

Sorry, he can't afford to take you out, but he can afford to go out with friends? What does that say about his priorities?

I understand why you feel he can't move in with you, but it sounds like neither of you really want that, anyway. You don't trust him enough with money to be a equal partner, and he doesn't want to take on any of your responsibilities.

It sounds like it is what it is. This is your relationship. It's unlikely to change and develop for the foreseeable future. Does it make you happy? Do you want to continue to live with it, as it is? (I'm guessing not, or you wouldn't be posting.)

Jux · 12/12/2015 13:04

It sounds like he's got the best of both worlds, and you've got the worst.

How old is he?

TempusEedjit · 12/12/2015 15:10

OP you asked how I make living separately from DH work - to be brutally honest it doesn't really work for me but I do it because I don't want another divorce (circumstances changed not long after we married). It works for DH though as he's either with me or with his DC whereas I'm alone a lot of the time. I do enjoy having my own space but when what I really want is to be with him it's not so nice.

Not sure what the answer is in your case but I'm sure there are other men out there who could be supportive rather than creating more stress for you.

Original poster
TwilightRabbit · 12/12/2015 20:36

Thank you for all your advice :) I've been to work today and also met some friends for afternoon tea and feel much more positive.

Jux - that's what it feels like, and again, some of it is just the situation, rather than him personally. But I have to decide whether to put up with it or do something about it.

TempusEedjit - that sounds poo :( I'm sorry that seems tricky for you Flowers (hey - I did flowers!!)

I think I need to sit down with DP and have a proper talk about how I feel. All I really want from him is some support. He's a 40 year old man, not a boy.

OP posts:
Jux · 12/12/2015 22:55

Yes, when he is at yours it doesn't mean he's suddenly acquired a housekeeper. He is responsible for his own stuff, and should be at least considerate enough to pick up his own clothes. As he stays fairly regularly, you would expect him to chip in a bit, wash up, cook a few meals, make an effort on special days to help, and so on.

OK, he can't move in, and that means he has to keep his own home too, but he would have to pick up his own clothes when he's at his place, would have to find his own meals, do his own washing up etc. He's not on holiday and he's not actually a guest.

It's not a straightforward arrangement, but he's not a child and should be able to see that he can't just add to your burden.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 12/12/2015 23:44

Twilight, I don't think you're being unreasonable to want him to pitch in sometimes.

My DP and I are in a similar position, although he has his own DCs 50/50 and spends the rest of the time here. However, he does help with loading and unloading the dishwasher, cooking and clearing up and he also contributes some money each month towards the things he uses (lol roll, shampoo, hot water, tea bags etc)

Although this isn't his home, he feels at home enough to answer the phone (took some training!) and so I don't feel so pissed off about having to wash his clothes etc. It's about give and take and it can take a while to get the balance right, but I think your DP has had long enough to figure it out and it sounds like he is taking the piss.

I don't think you are selfish, you obviously have a low opinion of yourself and I wonder how much of that is down to him?

Given that your DP isn't eating with you I don't blame him for not pitching in with chores and just coming to spend time with you. However, if he's not supportive of your role as a mum then maybe you need to find someone who is a parent and can understand what that entails (although that brings its own headaches!)

The least he can do is to ask if you need a hand hanging up the washing, putting out the bins etc while he's there. If he wants to spend time with you he should know that he'll get more of that if you're not run ragged.

I think that you either need to look elsewhere or accept that actually having a boyfriend can be fun and the partner thing is not all its cracked up to be. You have little or no extra work (especially if you stop doing his washing) compared to just you and your DCs, so enjoy the perks of having a man some times without the baggage of being a 'wife' and if it's still going on in 5-10 years you can reassess.

Bogeyface · 12/12/2015 23:55

What gets me is that he expects things from you in terms of picking up after him, doing his laundry etc but gives nothing back. If he asked nothing at all from you then it would be understandable that he didnt do a thing for you (not nice, but understandable) but it seems he wants it all his way and life aint like that. He takes and never gives, he needs to learn sharpish that that isnt ok.

Original poster
TwilightRabbit · 13/12/2015 00:59

MarkRuffaloCrumble - it's certainly not fun at the minute, and yet I don't have a partner - that's not good is it? He doesn't get any stuff like loo roll (although he seems to use reeeeeeeems of it, and that makes me feel petty) and he has loads of baths, and gets annoyed if I won't let him have toast because if he did, there's not enough for the kids lunches! If I do ask him to do something like put the bins out while I load the dishwasher so we can settle and enjoy an evening, he'll tell one of the kids to do it. That annoys me - you don't get to order my kids about if you don't want any responsibility towards them!
Today he rang at 9.30pm to say he was on the way back from the cinema and could he pop in with his mate to say hello. I said no, because I was in my PJs and slobbing. That's annoyed him. Tough!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 13/12/2015 01:08

Keep saying no.

And then say "Bye Bye"

You are worth so much more.

LineyReborn · 13/12/2015 10:15

Tbh, he sounds pretty lazy, when you put it like that.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 13/12/2015 10:29

That case, if you've tried asking him to help and he palms it off on the DCs then he is just lazy.

It took my DP a couple of times of me asking and him making a joke or huffing about it for me to say that I really need him to help out when he's here and if he doesn't want to he can stay at home and we'd just go out on a date once a week. He realised that he needed to help me out if he wanted to get the best of me and if he wanted a sandwich and there was no bread left he'd go out and get some (+ some chocolate while he was there!) not complain about it.

I think you have your answer. Dump him and find someone who isn't a lazy man-child.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 13/12/2015 10:29

*In that case

magoria · 13/12/2015 11:34

So basically he is another lazy git who thinks you are there to pick up his dirty pants off the floor and wash them.

Stop that.

You are not a domestic appliance. You are not his mother.

He doesn't live there but makes you more work.

He is just adding to your work load. While he does less and so has more free time.

Tell him it is disrespectful and to pull his socks up. If he doesn't move on.

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