How important is it to have a similar background to your partner?

[Tottie24]

This is something I think of quite a lot as it seems to be far more important to my mother than me, but does she have a point? I was lucky enough to have a private education, however never dated anyone with a simelar background. Having been divorced for two years I am finally starting to move on and have started seeing a guy, hence questioning everything as scared of things not working out. I've always been slightly embarrassed by being privately educated, I have no idea why, but Infact I'm really uncomfortable with the whole 'class' thing really. Interested to hear the opinion of others and really hope not to offend thanks

Not important at all, the life DP lead as a child is totaly alien to me and his family have very different values. He forged is view on life and we see things the same way on most subjects. My parents also came from different backgrounds and they eventually split but it had more to do with opposite personalities rather than their background

Your background does not makes who you are: you do.

I grew up on the breadline in rural New Zealand with two parents who worked full time, I had battles with anorexia through my teens as mum called me fat and overweight by snide comments etc (I wasn't). My dad died when I was 13, he could be utterly lovely but when he was in a bad mood, he would physically and verbally abuse me. I was also bullied and excluded throughout primary school and teased at secondary but thankfully I came away with some great friends at secondary.

DH had a very middle class upbringing in the UK, plenty of friends, dad earned mega bucks and a mum only worked part time after they all went to school, both very supportive of DH and his siblings. He also went to private school. Plus nice house, plenty of materialistic things etc.

It is hard, I love DH to death and he has supported me through so much but my god it is hard. He understands why I need stacks of food in the house or the fact I have large savings because I am petrified of being skint but he doesn't see the point of it as he never ran out of stuff when he was a kid. Recently we had an argument over the amount Christmas presents, DH was spoilt rotten at Christmas, whereas I wasn't. Thankfully we are good at compromises.

I agree with pallas about people not necessarily being "lucky" to go to private school. In general I think state school gives you a more rounded social education, and many state schools are as good if not better than private schools. There are people who went to boarding school and were unhappy there; people who went to a single sex school and find it difficult to relate to the opposite sex; people whose parents were rich but disinterested in them, or toxic, or pushy, or whatever. Yes money can provide an advantage and a certain amount of privilege, but don't assume that people who didn't go to private school are going to be jealous or feel inferior. (I say this as someone who spent a year at a private school, on a scholarship, before moving house and going to a state school - so I do have some experience of it. I also met a lot of privately educated people at university some of whom were nobs.)

Anyway, sorry for the digression. To answer your original question: I think it's desirable but not essential to have the same or similar background to your partner. And when I say background I mean class, really - which is as much (or more) about education level and type of employment as it as about money. But the most important thing is to share values and have enough in common, or that you like about each other - and for that, background/class helps but isn't essential.

DH is from another country, where the class/social system is slightly different, but I'd say that our backgrounds are fairly similar. We both went to state schools (apart from my year in private) and good universities (although he has a masters whereas I just have a bachelors; I suspect I would have done a masters in his country where higher education is much cheaper!) We both have reasonably skilled jobs, as do our parents. I would put us, and our parents, in the "middle class" category (although I know that's a big category!) It has made things easier in terms of having a similar outlook, being not just accepted but also liked and respected by each other's family, and our families get on with each other when they meet (despite the language barrier). BUT I think the most important thing is that we have similar values, and this could have happened if we'd had more difficult backgrounds. We're both left-leaning politically but also quite "traditional" in that we wanted to get married and have children. We also have similar attitudes to money - or similar enough that it hasn't been tooo painful to find a middle ground!

Oh and neither of us are religious. He is actually very anti-religion whereas I don't hate religion per se, just the way it can and has been applied in some cases.

I don't think he could have married someone religious. I might have been able to if the person was happy not to impose their religion on me - and was willing to compromise re children, leaving the choice up to them.

I've just remembered that my mum always told me to marry a rich man It was a "joke" but I don't think she was actually joking IYSWIM! I thought she was being ridiculous and of course wanted to marry for love and not money. I would never have got together with an investment banker or whatever (being a lefty and all!) But as it turns out my DH now has a very well paid job (I'd like to point out that he'd only just started out in his career when I met him!) and he also got a bit of a windfall shortly after our wedding (for reasons I won't go into here) so I kind of did end up married to a rich man Not filthy rich but certainly richer than I would have been without him

Bloody hell Another Emma, are you me?! I honestly could have written your posts.

I'm very uncomfortable with the whole class thing, which is why I like living abroad, there is no class system. It's so pervasive in the UK, people are judged instantly and put into class categories.

Obviously the whole class system in the UK is super complex but the main 'giveaways' if you like that indicate someone is more upper /middle class are : accent, which school you went to and what your dad does.

A private education gives you a definite confidence. You might not come out with any GCSES but you will have that confidence that private school education gives, and that can take you very far.

I wish I had been privately educated : I had a good education, but state not private.

And let's face it, if you got to private school you do not end up with a broad Lancashire accent which ultimately hinders you getting a job in London. Harsh but true.

God I hate the class system, especially the snobbery over names and that people get judged for having 'chavvy' names. If I grew up in the UK I would be lower class, my dad was a taxi driver after all and I don't have a 'proper name'.

My PIL who are lovely fall over backwards to make sure they are seen as middle class (detached house, correct mannerisms etc). MIL hates my kiwi slang and accent, she has tried to correct me many times Not that it has worked..

Oh yes, my mum told me to marry a rich old man so when he pops his clogs, I can inherit a large amount of money. As it happens, I am the breadwinner and DH will be working PT when I came off mat leave. Ironically I was the one state educated and he was privately educated.

Dp and I have a very similar background and it is important to us I think. We both agree our parents maybe didn't make the best choices and we both grew up missing out on things. We try to learn from our childhood experiences and make life better for our own children and it has driven us to work hard to achieve that.

Maybe that's more a common values thing, but we might not have had the same values otherwise.

toffeeboffin private education broke my confidence, my self esteem and my understanding of who I was in the world - the first two by bullying of a subtle kind by girls from very well off families, and the last by not understanding why my politically active, lefty parents had sent me there. Sweeping generalisations are not usually helpful - somewhere between always and never usually holds the truth.

Like you OP I have always been embarrassed by my private education. Therapy has helped with the fallout from it.

I have a different political, though not so much an educational or faith background, to my DH which I find a real challenge. I have never really gone out with anyone my 'equal' - probably due to the amount of issues I carry from growing up. I'm the earner in our marriage - sometimes I think it would be bliss to just have to earn half the running costs... but I have made my choices.

I don't think background is important, but I think it's important that you have the same main values. You can share values regardless of where you're from, culturally or socially speaking.

So interestingly dh and I are quite similar but our parents are very different. Both my parents were privately educated and met at uni. Neither of his were and didn't go to uni. I met dh after we'd both graduated however I still notice differences because of how we were brought up especially now we are parents. I think it helps because we have quite similar middle ground but still hard to see how different our parents lives our now they are both retired...

toffeeboffin Hi!
I don't wish I went to private school though - I didn't hate it but I didn't particularly enjoy it either.

DH and I are from very different backgrounds but when we met I realised we are very very similar underneath everything "superficial".

In fact we clicked so perfectly that I worried for a while we were actually somehow related and just didn't know

Being very honest, yes it does cause more complications, particularly bringing up DC but nothing insurmountable for us - I do think you have to have a very solid relationship and be more open to compromise.

Agree with PP who said they're bringing their DC up "in the middle" of their backgrounds. I do sometimes feel guilt though that my DC don't have the same privileges I had growing up - DH doesn't have this guilt. He would though spend £££ on things like branded trainers for the DC as he never had them himself - I have to rein him in sometimes

I have said to my DC to find a partner that is kind - for me this is the main quality which brings happiness in a relationship. I know lots of the people I grew up with would be really snobbish about DH but he is the kindest person I have ever met and that overrides everything. A lot of other stuff is just superficial, it's just "trappings". It doesn't matter.

I don't think it's important. My wife and I had very different upbringings. As said upthread it is having a similar outlook on life / values that are important.

I think similar terms of reference certainly help, particularly if you have both moved away from the culture in which you were raised.

DH have a very scored sense if shared history/background which makes us laugh, makes us proud, drives us crazy in equal measure. It's really lovely to share that.

But I don't think it's imperative. A common outlook going forward us far more important.

Couples without common values and plans for the future tend not to thrive.

Interesting question. I say this as I have had a couple of middle class friends from school who have now married into lower class (council house/benefits families) and as a result I've seen their own aspirations lower. One used to want to be a lawyer, started the training etc and now chooses to live on benefits. Another did a maths degree/masters and now works in a call centre and partner in a shop as he did straight from school. I do think it if you don't have someone in the relationship who has had the same sort of upbringing and therefore the same kind of life goals as you and you aren't a 'strong' person to push the other one then you may find that you go down to their level of expectations in life. I also thinks it works the other way, I'd hate to marry into an extremely wealthy and privileged family as I feel the pressure and lifestyle would not be what I wanted from life.

It's only a problem if you do not treat each other as equals.

But then, people who feel "inferior" or "superior" to others, will find plenty of reasons other than class to hang it on.

I think that shared values are important, but that it's also important to be able to respect your partner's family, even if they are very different from your own.

I was lucky enough to go to a comprehensive, but I still manage to get on with a man who went to private boarding-school, even though my academic record is much much better than his.

Mind you we are both mixed-race lefty types, which is rather more in common.

Sorry peasonearth, I realise that I did make a fairly sweeping generalisation.

Of course not everyone who is privately educated is confident, just as not everyone who goes to the local comp is dumb.

And I know exactly the type of girl you are talking about : I had the incredible misfortune to work with a pack of girls like that in my early 20's.

They were all the same : privately educated, v. wealthy and the worst kind of bullies I've ever come across. Luckily I only worked with them for three weeks, then I quit. They were awful, really horrible people.

They were worse than anyone I met at my state school, which is saying something as it was a pretty rough, gritty comp.

I don't think background matters. It's about values and attitude.
It's the same with friends.

toffeeboffin I was probably a bit prickly - the chip on my shoulder can be very unattractive. But I know the 'type' you mean, and occasionally I can tap into it, which is a privilege as not everyone gets that.

I really don't think whether someone was educated privately or not is any sort of criterion on which to select a life partner.