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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So much happening at once!

26 replies

Theoldcauliflower · 09/12/2015 21:38

On Sunday I found out my 13 year old daughter had been on line talking to lots of people in a sexual way, it was bad, I've taken away phone and iPad till I work out what to do!
I've recently took myself off antidepressants and feel a lot better for it! Thought I was improving a lot even my dm has mentioned how happy I look!
Dp home tonight we had a bottle of wine each I made tea, I've explained when his dd comes at the weekend my dd phone will not be allowed to be used, as its confiscated!
Massive argument that it's not his dd fault , that he's being victimised coz he doesn't want to in his words "have his ear chewed of" by a 14 year old!
Then I'm told " go and get back on your tablets" coz I've dared to disagree!
I've struggled with my mh for a while but was feeling much better, feel back to square one!
I've been so supportive with so many things going on in his life, I'm just not getting it back, or am I being stupid??

OP posts:
Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 09/12/2015 21:39

Should say myself and dd are talking a lot and trying to sort out why this has occurred.

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Handywoman · 09/12/2015 21:45

Him telling you to get back on the tablets has obvious touched a nerve with you, but sounds like it was a cheap shot on his part. Yes he sounds unsupportive. Must have made you feel resentful. Will you tell him that? If not why not? Is he normally so unsupportive?

Well done for dealing with your dd and the phone and for coming off antidepressants Thanks just the dp to sort now

ifyouregoingthroughhell · 09/12/2015 21:54

They like it when you are on tablets. They panic when you come off them.

Cabrinha · 09/12/2015 21:55

I think the AD comment was a cheap shot, but not possible to say here whether it was bang out of order or just an ill judged stressed out mean thing. Still pretty poor though.

One thing I think he has a point about though - does his daughter usually get to use your daughter's phone? (seems a bit odd)

If she does, then he's right (IMO) that she should still be able to. It's your daughter's punishment, not hers.

If you grounded your daughter, or stopped her pocket money, would you do the same to the other girl?!

Epilepsyhelp · 09/12/2015 21:57

What's his problem with your daughter not using her phone?

That was frankly a horrible unsupportive comment from him, completely unacceptable.

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 09/12/2015 21:58

It was a very cheap shot, and I'm sat crying about it , I'd felt really good for days.
Even this with dd I've tried to support her, she says she did it cause she feels ugly, I get that!
She's being really good!
But do has made me feel like I have to agree with him, if I don't I'm fucking mental and need meds again!

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nameschangerer · 09/12/2015 22:00

You had a bottle of wine each? He was heartless but I think you need to have the conversation again with no alcohol is involved

ifyouregoingthroughhell · 09/12/2015 22:02

You're supposed to think you need to go back on the tablets.

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 09/12/2015 22:03

My dp's dd has had loads of phone my dd has one, do daughter borrows my dd all the time there is a lot it msg and apps with sexual content on that my dd has been looking at and so forth, I'm trying to sort it out, I don't want dp dd in it! She shouldn't keep braking her own phones,

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Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 09/12/2015 22:05

I don't think I do, I feel better without them , and a bottle of wine might seem a lot but glasses were spaced over the whole evening, I'm certainly not drunk

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Cabrinha · 09/12/2015 22:09

Right, that's slightly clearer.
I don't think the fact she breaks her own phones is relevant - you usually let her use your daughter's, it's not her fault she can't now.

Does your boyfriend know that the reason is because there is sexual content to be sorted out? Or did he also think (as I did from the info you gave) that it's simply because you want to confiscate it?

I think you need to tell him that his comment was totally unacceptable and you want him to support you - and if he doesn't apologise and do so, I honestly think you should call it a day.

On the phone situation, I suggest he texts his daughter to say bring her phone as your daughter's is broken.

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 09/12/2015 22:13

Yes he's knows all about what my dd has been doing, and even though my dd is wrong all hell will brake loose from dsd goes on her phone, then I have the problem dsd will let dd on her phone when I'm not looking!

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Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 09/12/2015 22:15

He never says anything to his own dd but very quick to jump on mine! It's like we don't matter as long as his own dd is happy!
I couldn't be supportive because it would mean telling his ow dd no

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Cabrinha · 09/12/2015 22:20

Why are you with him?
He jumps on your daughter but parents his badly.
He isn't supportive of you.

Why is that your choice of partner?

MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 09/12/2015 22:21

Is he your 'DP' or your 'DH'? either way that comment was vile!

You say you and your daughter are talking, are you able to make sure she understands that if she uses your dsds phone she will be in even greater trouble?

And if dsds phone is broken tough shit! Maybe it will teach her to take care of her phone. I think you have handled this very well, it is vital that whatever goes on, you can keep communication going and under these circumstances there is no requirement that you have to consider the feelings of dsd.

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 09/12/2015 22:34

He's my dp, tbh the only person I'm bothered about atm is my dd, she's been talking to God knows who online and is very ashamed, dp even wanted to tell dsd that, so he could give her a reason for not having the phone! My dd is so embarrassed I said he couldn't tell her, but then the row started! I'm sick to death of it

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Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 09/12/2015 22:36

Dsd would lie for her so I no she would use the phone, I'm just trying to protect her, she was only 13 last month, and I thought very young for her age

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Cabrinha · 09/12/2015 22:41

Do you trust him not to tell his daughter, now you've said not to?
He sounds like an arsehole, frankly, not sure I'd trust him.
Tomorrow, when there's no alcohol involved for you both, I'd make it crystal clear he's not to say anything.

Do you want to stay with him?

Cabrinha · 09/12/2015 22:43

It actually sounds like you could use some 1:1 time with your daughter. Can you both go away for the weekend?

Then your boyfriend can have 1:1 time with his daughter too - including going into town for a new phone, if hers is broken and it's SO important she has one Hmm

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 09/12/2015 22:54

Thanks so much cabrinha I've had 2days with my dd she wouldn't go to school on Monday after I found all the stuff on her iPad , but we have talked loads, I'm still trying to work out what I'm going to do re the iPad and phone. He says he won't but who knows, if it means she won't get upset then.......

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Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 09/12/2015 22:55

It's like his whole family dare to say anything that might upset her, but he's quick to tell me what to do with dd

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Cabrinha · 09/12/2015 23:00

Obviously I don't like the extent of what your girl has done, or what her personality is like. Sounds like you've done a good job so far if she trusts you to tell you difficult things like feeling unattractive.

Do you need to keep the messages? In that, is it potentially grooming from someone else and you need to talk to the police and not delete them? If so, how about you swap phones with her?

I'd be tempted to tell her that you want to trust her. You're concerned that she may feel compelled to do it again and that having a phone is too much temptation. I'm not sure how to sell this, but I wonder if it's possible that you can agree with her that she has the phone back, but you want her to show it to you every day for a bit.

I think it depends on whether you think she needs to be punished for this, or whether you're taking the phone for protection rather than punishment.

Might be worth posting in the teenage section for advice on handling this?

Cabrinha · 09/12/2015 23:02

If cut him loose and enjoy time with your daughter instead.
He sounds like an arse.

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 09/12/2015 23:11

The thing is I've thought something was going on with her for about 5weeks now, and whe I've checked nothing, she's been deleting everything, I just happened to go in her bedroom on Sunday and if I'm honest I took it off her, I new something wasn't right.
It was very sexual msg to about 8-9 people, when questioned she doesn't no who they are, there's just a user name, they could be anyone.
I couldn't believe what I was reading!
He has been an Arse, but no doubt tmw it will be my fault, I'm crazy don't u know!

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Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 09/12/2015 23:13

I don't know what to do, my brother said to report it but dp said that was going to far

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