My sister is just so awful

[IsaBisaBuildsaBoat]

I am struggling today. Dysfunctional family dynamic in the background. I was messed up. Got a buttload of therapy and am much better. Sis is much younger than me and has refused virtually all therapy and just wallows in having mental health issues. It is like a badge of honour that she can't get a job. Anything she doesn't fancy, she claims anxiety.

Now, I have actually been ULTRA supportive up until now. I am her cheerleader whenever she makes any positive steps. I also chat to her about normal stuff. Sisterly chats about telly and so on. I don't pressure her. I walk on eggshells because she is so volatile and because I don't live with her - my mum lives with her and has to deal with the fallout and I don't think it's fair on mum to say whatever I want.

Today I get copied into some emails in which she is just being so so awful to mum. Really manipulative and abusive. Awful. And I lost it. I said she should be ashamed of herself. Blocked her on FB.

She then blew up at mum. I've been emailing mum saying that no, Mum hasn't been unreasonable, yes Sis is being awful, no there is nothing to feel guilty about.

I am just so so so sick her her crap. I think she has borderline personality disorder or something similar but I don't care anymore. I don't want to pussyfoot round her. I don't want to see her. I don't want to have her show up at the family Christmas and have to play nice. Obviously she has threatened not to come as if that is the worst possible thing for all of us!

Thank you for letting me rant.

I decided earlier today to torture myself by looking up flats for her and therapists for her and so on. It was delicious. And so so much better because I decided before hand that this was just a terrible habit / compulsion that I was going to indulge but NOT act on. And I didn't. Got sick of it after not very long.

Miracles abound!

Sheba thanks for your message. I think you were very wise to spot the need for self-preservation so early in the thread!

eloquent I hope this thread has not been too awful for you to be on. I was very harsh about my sister at some points. I really hope that you can see that she is loved and that being upset at her behaviour is BECAUSE I care. (And my rescuer complex )

lucyccfc I am sorry you have this in your family too. I have had periods of low contact but for the most part I have found being warily engaged okay. I have really reduced expectations though. I've grieved my mother not being a proper mum to myself, and then when I see her it is almost like she's just someone I know quite well. But when I slip into expecting normal mum stuff from her it never works well.

Chippy well done on leaving. I was so delighted when my mum left my dad.

Imbroglio (good name) you can really relate and your advice was spot on. It helps that my sister has made positive steps recently.

ouryve thank you, yes. I can say what I think (sort of) but I don't have to be caught up in the game.

Finola thank you for referencing the drama triangle. So so helpful and just what I needed reminding of. Brilliant.

Dollius thank you for being so blunt. By engaging AT ALL in this dynamic I am enabling the script to play out again. And than kyou for being blunt that my mother is at fault. My father is generally the villain of the piece in our family but every narc needs someone who lets them get away with it.

More coming but afraid I will lose this post.

badtime you were the first to mention penance I think. I have never thought of that and must do some more thinking about it. Thank you. for you with your family.

springydaffs you've been so so helpful, walking beside me through this, words can't express. Thank you. God bless.

Garlick I am so grateful for ALL your posts. They were so so helpful and cheerful and spot on. Especially the point about acting like a matriarch. And bingo.

Talkin Your wise words have really stuck with me. It is easier to be angry at my sister than my mother because that still feels dangerous. I'm going to let that sink in over the festive period. I'm going to think twice every time anyone says 'your poor mother' or 'How does she put up with it?'

Ataraxy you have also really given me something to think about. I find it very hard to be around my mum and sister in the same room because they snipe at each other so so much and I can see mum pushing Sis's buttons in those cases. In this case I'm not sure but it is definitely possible. I also thought about what you said of 'What if everything my sister said was true?' and I thought about all the elements of her experience that I have discounted. She has engaged with therapeutic services in the past but had a terrible experience - basically medicated by uninterested psychiatrists from what I can gather. Anyway. I need to be cautious there as well.

Peas I'm glad this has been helpful for you in some way. I was taught not to be angry - even when I'd been beaten I had to apologise for making my father angry!

I feel like I've had professional emergency therapy but much better than spending an hour with a therapist. God, I love Mumsnet. [santa]

I think I am going to namechange now as all this is quite identifying along with past threads. But please know how grateful I am for all your assistance at this time of what felt like crisis.

Bravo darling

I ordered that book a few minutes ago Garlick. I think I can pretty much go ahead with my own plans, even when my mother disapproves of my decisions ..... but I read the reviews on amazon and thought, I could benefit from reading that book.

IsaBisabuildsaboat may you get a forcefield around you for Christmas

It comes in handy for quite a lot of situations, Chippy :) Hope you like it!