My sister is just so awful

[IsaBisaBuildsaBoat]

I am struggling today. Dysfunctional family dynamic in the background. I was messed up. Got a buttload of therapy and am much better. Sis is much younger than me and has refused virtually all therapy and just wallows in having mental health issues. It is like a badge of honour that she can't get a job. Anything she doesn't fancy, she claims anxiety.

Now, I have actually been ULTRA supportive up until now. I am her cheerleader whenever she makes any positive steps. I also chat to her about normal stuff. Sisterly chats about telly and so on. I don't pressure her. I walk on eggshells because she is so volatile and because I don't live with her - my mum lives with her and has to deal with the fallout and I don't think it's fair on mum to say whatever I want.

Today I get copied into some emails in which she is just being so so awful to mum. Really manipulative and abusive. Awful. And I lost it. I said she should be ashamed of herself. Blocked her on FB.

She then blew up at mum. I've been emailing mum saying that no, Mum hasn't been unreasonable, yes Sis is being awful, no there is nothing to feel guilty about.

I am just so so so sick her her crap. I think she has borderline personality disorder or something similar but I don't care anymore. I don't want to pussyfoot round her. I don't want to see her. I don't want to have her show up at the family Christmas and have to play nice. Obviously she has threatened not to come as if that is the worst possible thing for all of us!

Thank you for letting me rant.

But if my mum is enabling, then isn't it better to have SOMEONE say enough?

I'd say your sister is cosy living with your Mum. You should download forms for rent allowance and start researching studio flats through landlords who take rent allowance (or whatever it's called now)

I do feel sorry for your mum though. I walked away from an abusive relationship (manipulated, verbally abused, gas lighted, financially abused, controlled) but I didn't want to see him again ever. With a parent and her child, the fear must be that that child will throw a strop and never see you again unless it's on their terms. It's like my way or no way. That would frighten any parent.

That book looks good Garlick

I'm going to sleep now. Thank you all for putting things into perspective for me.

It is a Game.

I will be back to this thread, I'm sure.

Oh I do that:

It's her!

No, it's him!

It's them!

Tell you what, isa, it's you you need to see to. You're acting like the matriarch. That will piss your sister off BIG time, for a start, and, more importantly, feed right into her stuff: 'there she is, always competent, always sorted, doling out pronouncements.'

Anyway, I'm casting around in the dark here. YOU'VE taken on a role, regardless who may have triggered you into taking it.

I am acting like a matriarch. For lots of reasons.

I can just let that go, can't I. At least for tonight.

Sorry took ages to type that .

Bcs i was watching Nurse Jackie. See, only comfortable with addicts fucked up people leading ordinary lives but fucked up underneath.

(I do the sorting everybody out thing too)

But if my mum is enabling, then isn't it better to have SOMEONE say enough?

You can, of course, say enough, then leave them to it. You do not have to play a permanent game of piggy in the middle, as it's not helping eithe r of them, anyhow, but is making you very stressed.

As soon as you read your OP, I thought of transactional analysis and The Games People play.

Are you all stuck in a Drama Triangle? If you are the Rescuer, which roles fo your mum and sister play? It certainly sounds like your sis is quite skilled at flipping between the victim and persecutor role as and when it suits. Its her game you see.

My brother does a horrible flip from demanding 'support' then 'compliance', and becoming angry and accusational, often in the space of minutes. Everything is my fault. It's exhausting and I've removed myself from him because it's
so damaging. He is clearly very unhappy which makes it difficult to feel good about that decision but it's come down to self preservation in the end.

My observation is that when we were children our mother almost never said 'no' to his demands but became a bit of a victim, with me as her (unsuccessful) rescuer.

Ultimately it's down to your mum to set some boundaries, you can't do this for her. And as for your sister, I think you've got to keep pushing the ball back into her court. Eg if she wants to live with her mum she'll have to find a way to get along, which might mean getting some help. My concern is that as long as you are running between them they can enjoy their arguments and never really try to resolve anything.

Thank you all so much.

A good night's sleep has helped enormously. I don't know what the right outcome is and THAT'S OK. Because I'm not in charge.

I reread the drama triangle this morning and it is bang on. Mum definitely recruited my brother (not go, but also not sg, really) and I into her dynamic with my sister.

I will take a while to think about a response to both of them this morning. But the main thing is that

1)my emails to and blocking of my sister so far are not particularly serious or irreparable. She might see it like that but she has done worse to me. And

2. my 'support' to my mum has not been in terms of 'you should' but in terms of 'what you did- the boundary you set- is okay' and 'think about this.'

So the main problem for me has been my big feelings and my wondering what comes next and whether my brother should uninvite her for Christmas. If I just treat this as me overstepping into 'rescuer' then those problems go away.

I think my mantra will be that mum and sis are the ones who have to live with themselves and each other. (Moving out has happened but she bounces back). If they want to change that dynamic, great. They know how to find a therapist.

Leave your brother to decide about Christmas - if he's hosting its not your call.

If you feel that you want some space then make your own arrangements elsewhere and don't get involved in any explanations.

I think (I'm pretty sure) my mum is codependent. And not just in a 'let me bring the biscuits' way. I usually insulate myself from it but I just get caught unawares by how this will manifest itself

Its incredibly hard to insulate yourself from it - I know from experience!

Certain members of the family need you to play their game, so they will do anything to keep you 'in'. This is why I suggest you don't give any explanations - they will be used to manipulate you.

I think you need to step outside and try to look at this situation objectively (v hard I know).

You have, wisely, figured out that your mother is the enabler in this situation. She is the one who has created this awful family narrative in which your sister acts up and you ride to the rescue.

I think you need to stop being so protective of your mum and start adopting more of a "you made your bed, you lie in it" attitude towards her. This is her doing.

You need to distance yourself from the whole lot of them, for your own sanity's sake. If your sister in the future decides to engage with therapy, then would be the opportunity for you to support her. There is nothing you can do right now to help her.

These are all such wise, helpful words.

I feel like you all understand this so well. That I am a good person caught (ish) in a trap of damned if you do, damned if you don't.

It is very very hard to remember that my mum could do things differently. Very hard to stand by and let her (them both) lie in this awful bed.

I will think some more today. But not too much. I also have things to do.

The problem is that if you don't step back and stop engaging, you are kind of enabling this too.

It always plays out the same way, doesn't it?

Until you refuse to play your part (being appalled at your sister and rushing in to protect your mother who caused it all in the first place), you can't break the pattern.

I just took this to God in prayer. Hope you don't mind the religious talk now but it helps me. Jesus led me to some water and we sat down on the grass. And then, we folded up my mum and sister into paper boats and sent them down the river. It was so sad. And so necessary. I cried. I just want them to be okay, to get better. But I can't be the person to do that. And trying makes it worse.

I'm very happy to see you seeking some detachment from this particular game :) Well done, Isa, it can feel so hard!

Until you refuse to play your part (being appalled at your sister and rushing in to protect your mother who caused it all in the first place), you can't break the pattern.

Yes. There are different ways of refusing to play, and it's nobody's call but your own. You didn't write this script but you've got choices on whether to write different lines for yourself each time it's acted out, to simply walk out of the theatre or to try and engage the other players in a critique. Each time, these choices are available to you and you're free to choose different things or change your mind.

And what do I say to her calmly? 'You can't treat people like dirt. You can't treat mum like your servant. You have to figure this shit out. Get your head shrunk.'

It was interesting to see this, and that you've already moved along from it. Finola and springy were right to point out that a response like this would be you taking the role of Matriarch or Rescuer. You don't have to do that ... why would you need to tell the others what to do? You don't! Hurrah.

If I just treat this as me overstepping into 'rescuer' then those problems go away.

Great, isn't it?

I know, of course, like everyone on your thread, there's no universal quick fix. What you do have is a choice every time, the insight to recognise that and use your choices, and a responsibility to your own "OK-ness". As you've said, nothing is broken that won't be mended.

It's okay. They're okay. Everything's pretty much all right [santa]

Thank you all again. ((((big hugs))))

I have just done a ritual that has helped me in the past (recommended by a therapist). I made a fire and then wrote on slips of paper thoughts that were bubbling up about this situation that I kind of knew were wrong on one level but wanted to let go of. As I wrote them I burned them. Some very interesting things went into the fire.

I should help
I can help
I should do something
Sister shouldn't behave like that
I shouldn't get angry with Mum
If I help Mum she will help me
I know what to do
The consequences of leaving them to it are too awful to be tolerated
Mum is helpless
Mum doesn't know what to do
I am a bad person if I don't try to help

And many more. Often more than once as they kept asserting themselves.

Even if I couldn't quite tell if some of those were totally false (like Mum now knowing what to do - I wasn't totally sure about that one) I could at least tell they weren't totally unquestionably true.

And actually, Mum does know somewhere in her brain that seeking professional help is an option. I have told her that, and I have modelled it by seeking professional help with my own parenting when we get into muddles and being quite open about how positive that has been for us. So that is just a true fact.

Anyway. I will be much more aware of and wary of these thoughts as they pop up now. Well, for a while.

My brother is definitely in charge of hosting Christmas and I have made it clear to him that I support whatever he and his wife think is best. I'm not ready to reach out or unblock yet.

I'm just going to write the true version of these statements as looking at the false ones is doing my head in!

I don't have to help - I didn't make this situation and they are both adults
I actually can't help because I make things worse due to the dynamics at stake
There is no imperative to do anything
Maybe Sister shouldn't behave like that but I am not the boss of her
I am allowed to get angry at Mum
Even if I help Mum she is quite unlikely to help me in the way that I need
I don't actually know what to do (as evidenced by this thread)
The consequences of leaving them to it might be awful, yes. But that is life.
Mum makes herself helpless
Mum has options that she knows about but she chooses not to exercise
I am not a bad person full stop

That's better. Thanks.

By awful consequences I mean my sister's previous threats of suicide hangs over this whole situation and hold my mother hostage.

You sound like you have a very deep understanding of the issues at play here. And your own emotional wellbeing. You are stepping out of the game which you know you must.

But just a word of caution. Your dsis will not like your reaction to the current round of the game. She will find a way to increase the drama, to pull you back in. But you know this. You will need to deflect a lot of drama.

OP, your family actually sounds quite a bit like mine (mum and sister live together, sometimes suicidal sister won't engage with therapy, suspected BPD (both of them); both of them act like teenagers, frankly).

I used to get drawn into the drama, but now I deal with it by living hundreds of miles away from them and pointing out to them that they have to take responsibility for their own behaviour and lives whenever they do anything ridiculous.

I am probably in a better position than you, though, in that I was not the golden child - if anything, I was the scapegoat - so I do not feel I have to do any penance, which you seem to do.