Any help appreciated - committment phobic

[36mumof1]

Hi,

Has anyone witnessed a man with serious committment phobia (so not just 'isnt the right woman', but actual panics, sweats, etc) move on to a healthy relationship?
I have been seeing someone with this issue for 8 months, and he is very aware of his problems. It is very tiring and upsetting, and I am wondering whether i continue to wait it out as we have such a great time together, or whether i just cut it now and suffer the pain now, rather than later if it is inevitable.

x

My heart is bleeding for you 36Mumof1 because you appear to be happy to settle for so little, and prepared to work so damn hard to get it.

When a relationship is right and compatible, there is mutual respect, mutual support as well as caring and consideration for each other in equal measures. There is happiness, laughter and contentedness. It is easy to sit in silence watching TV, to send a cheeky smile across a room, to cuddle and kiss without pre-defined boundaries. The conversation can be serious (work, plans) and simply easy banter.

There is a great imbalance in your 'relationship'. Your current companion is using 'phobia' as a distancing tool to keep things on HIS terms. He hooked you in with the talk of future and children. (He certainly knew how to pull your strings didn't he?)

He is a very clever PLAYER, I'll grant him that! He can see you, drop you, pick you up again, set even more hurdles to jump and barriers to keep you at a distance. He even has you accepting that the weeks of communication silence when he doesn't even have to think about you.

HE DOESN'T EVEN NEED YOU AS A FRIEND!

His life is trundling along, giving him what he wants:

• an occasional meet-up with you,
• no development of the relationship,
• opportunities to re-set his boundaries,
• make up a few new problems to distance himself a bit more if you appear to have an expectation)

This is not someone who is healthy to be around. You deserve so much more than this.

My advice is to finish it once and for all so that you can go out over Christmas and enjoy flirting, laughing and engaging with people who are able to relate to you in an adult, non-controlling way.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS 36Mumof1 You deserve it

Consider this link as the Mumsnetters Christmas Gift to you:

THE FREEDOM PROGRAMME ON-LINE

Commitment phobe? Please. What a convenient excuse to treat someone like crap. This man is playing you like a piano and you're dancing to his tune.

Men (and women) who play the 'I'm damaged, please try and fix me while I treat you like shit' card are incredibly tedious and definitely not 'fixable'.

Yup, get rid, cut all contact, he's a cock.
And then look at yourself. At some point, someone else taught you that you were worthless and the only way to be rewarded (and the only reward you should want) with the Love Of A Man was to submit, obey, give everything of yourself unquestioningly and accept all kinds of shitty treatment. You need to unlearn that before you date again.

You don't want to 'give up' on him? Give up what? He's never treated you right and he's been manipulating you into a version of the 'pick me dance' since day one. But in his version, you're dancing alone.

I dated someone like this for nearly a year. I was continually put in the position of having to 'fix him', 'save him', or 'prove myself to him'. Every single time he ran away from our so-called 'relationship' he came back it with excuses that required my acceptance (because he 'couldn't help it' or it was 'my fault') and/or action (so I needed to do/put up with XXX to 'fix him' or 'prove I really loved him'). It was a constant play on my sympathy for this 'poor broken man who just really wants to love me, but can't. Or could if I'd only do or change XYZ for him/about myself'. In the end, he dumped me anyway and left my confidence and pride shredded at my feet.

And what was worse was that I had been warned about him. Warned by not one, but two other women he had done the same thing to. But I wouldn't listen because he assured me that I was the one who could 'heal him'. And don't we all want to think that we are 'the one' in his life when we love someone?

Dump him, block him, don't waste one more second of your precious time and precious life on him.

I wouldn't listen because he assured me that I was the one who could 'heal him'. And don't we all want to think that we are 'the one'?

Ah ... the magic vagina.

I used to have one of those.

It didn't work. They never do!

Garlick Sing it, Sister!

Actually mine became 'magic' when I stopped giving it to wankers that didn't deserve it. At least, my lovely DH tells me it's magic.

Cabrinha Thankyou!

Oh FFS don't offer to help and support him through therapy!! - Needed to hear this!

He's not ill, he's selfish. He knows what he's doing. - Yes, he is actually one of the most intelligent people i have met.

The best thing you can do is not contact him, then when he contacts you stick to a simple "it's not working for me, I don't want a relationship with you, I just don't feel the spark". No more explanation that that, nothing he can twist.
He may ramp up trying to get you back - ignore. Stick to "I just don't feel the spark". And if he tries to be 'friends' preferably say no, then stop replying to him. Or it that's too hard to do, give a non commital "OK" then just never be available.

-I love the above responses. Have copied and pasted onto my phone!!! x

Sadwidow, i loved your response, thank you for taking the time to post.

THe thing is I guess, that all those lovely things that you said to look for in the relationship - is exactly what it is like when we are together. Its fun, chilled, we talk about anything and everything or can sit happily in silence together, we can do anything from day trips to domestic things and its all great, we laugh a lot!. When we are actually spending time together he is generous in all aspects - with my daughter, with his money, with helping me with things etc.

BUT Why wouldnt he be happy with this! Because as you said, he has it all set up on his terms. And, not only does he get a fun relaxed night or dinner when he feels like it, but he doesnt even need to be in touch during the week! What a deal.

It is not healthy, and you are right, i put a lot in which is ok, but in this case im not getting it back, and as the time passes, i give more, and he gives less. I clearly need to do some work on myself and what my standards and expectations are from others.

Have a wonderful Christmas period x

Solidgoldbrass, spot on!! I actually cant remember what it feels like to be in a relatively normal and balanced relationship.

thank you Imthechristmascarcass, your advice means a lot and has been taken on board. I can see already that should i continue with him I will end up having the same result as you did.
I hope you have recovered from this and found happiness x

garlick

I dont have a magic vagina either?????

FML!!!

x

Well recovered, thank you for asking.

I actually went to counseling after 'Mr Disaster'. I needed to figure out why I was picking shit men. And I did figure it out and changed things about myself.

Life is grand. 'Mr Disaster' was over 35 years ago (yikes, I'm old!) and since then I met DH, married, raised two children, and we're now happily retired together.