Any help appreciated - committment phobic

[36mumof1]

Hi,

Has anyone witnessed a man with serious committment phobia (so not just 'isnt the right woman', but actual panics, sweats, etc) move on to a healthy relationship?
I have been seeing someone with this issue for 8 months, and he is very aware of his problems. It is very tiring and upsetting, and I am wondering whether i continue to wait it out as we have such a great time together, or whether i just cut it now and suffer the pain now, rather than later if it is inevitable.

x

He's wasting your time. Get out before you waste anymore.

Isetan thank you!
It is quite simple but when I am in it and feeling alone I guess my head does look more at the potential and purely the time we spend together, rather than the reality of what is.

You did make me smile with your 'probably there is a match for him' because tbh, im not sure there is! Many wouldnt handle his behaviour at times, and he seeks to sabotage anything that looks like it could be the real thing!

Goddessofsmallthings..... Thankyou! lol I realise that this whole situation is because I have work to do and lessons to learn...but hearing everyone's opinion gives me strength to start believing that regardless of his reasons/excuses etc I deserve more

Topsassy thanks for commenting
I hate the drama and quite often I just don't enter further into it by reacting to his bad behaviour but I think I also kind of became accustomed to it, kind of losing perspective of what a good relationship is like!

Uterusuterus

I can say I'm almost positive he doesn't have anyone else he is seeing.
He does try these days to avoid meeting ppl so isn't on dating sites etc as I think he knows his limitations on what he could give.

He is the same with many of his mates....may reply, may not.... May take couple of weeks to return calls.
Just avoids anything that may mean he isn't good enough or needs to take responsibility.
Eg..... One of his best mates is getting married. They went on a trip together recently and he tells me that his mate started talking about the wedding plans etc....
So he gets the feeling his mate is going to be asking him to be best man so quickly turns the conversation into how great one of their other friends might be as best man!!! He hadn't even been asked yet!

You are right isetan, I am making it all about him.
And it's taking so much of my energy.

I don't mean this to sound harsh, but your standards are very VERY low.

He tosses you agonised dramatic crumbs and you nod with sympathy.

I think you need to sit down and have a little chat with yourself.

Garrick that made a lot of Sense. He drew me right in and now im starting to just accept these little scraps of nicety and feel like they are great when I get them.

Lavendarhoney I like how simple you made it. There's no argument to come of that, it's a good way to put it. And it's not nasty, just truth. I want sonething entirely different to what he does and I need to realise its ok for me to want someone who wants more

Annarose, thank you.
I will do. And trust me I'll be coming back to reread these posts over the next few days to keep strengthening me.

I guess it's been a long while since I have experienced a great relationship and so the good times of this feel great, and I have tried to rationalise the in between in my head or tell myself I expect too much etc...

Honestly thank you so much to everyone who has taken time to reply....

If you do explain it like that, even though its simple and no. Judgemental, expect some agonised wailing over his issues. He seems to be very prone to verbal diarrohea about it, tbh.

Just remember that you're not his shrink, and the appropriate response is simply : "I wish you well".

If he begs you two still be friends, just say "I'd prefer a clean break. Like I said, I sincerely wish you well"

This lad is a total headwrecker. Being friends with a headwrecker is not fun (the whole making sure he didn't sit beside you shite? FFS!)

Enough is enough.

And just remember: a great relationship is EASY. Thats what you're looking for in the future.

What a hassle! Way too much negativity and drama seriously.
Walk away this idiot is not making you happy.

I would avoid getting caught up in a situation where you sit around patiently waiting for him to sort himself out while he tells you he loves you but he's a 'nutcase' who can't function normally in a relationship because of his 'issues'.

Get on with your life. See him by all means, if you must, but see other people in the meantime. Don't contact him in between dates and stop mollycoddling him. Make it clear that as much as you care for him, you are not prepared to put your own life on hold while he navel-gazes about how hard it is for him being him.

Hopefully either he'll be jolted out of his nonsense by you refusing to be exclusive, or you'll meet someone less hard work and forget all about him.

I'm exhausted just reading about it and it's not my life. Your life is too short to hang about waiting for him to handle an adult relationship.

Cab you made me feel exceptionally guilty as I feel genuinely sorry for op and it's a serious issue but the bannana analogy had me chuckling.

He's not anything phobic. He's just an arsehole. And believe it or not, you're just a booty call (or if not having sex, then something for hom to do when bored). Get out now, he'll suck your soul.

Annarose.... I'll bear the 'easy' for when I feel im ready to got into meeting ppl again. And anything that isn't plain and simple I'll just give a miss to very quickly.

I'll take your approach, as it sits really well with me in regards to what to say and how to handle it.
I don't expect too much resistance as that would require effort consistently.on his behalf.
But I'll be ready nonetheless as no doubt at some point he will reach out for more and I need to not fall back into the same spot on his words.

Behavedbadly, great advice.

Russellgroup it is exhausting! And no need to worry about the banana giggles, I did the same!
As Tiggeryoubastard said, it has been a very soul destroying experience, one which is unhealthy for me (but I was just thinking I needed to be stronger, more patient etc) so the laughs were very welcomed!
I'll look at him and think of bananas now!!

You don't have to be nasty - you choose to spend a few months seeing if it was something you can deal with, and it's not. He clearly wasn't joking when he said he was crap at being a boyfriend/ someone.

At least you know what you want now - and will be happy to finish something if it looks like you're supposed to be the keeper of the relatioship and handle his issues at the expense of your own. Don't do that. You have a child, too- it will eat away at your time. I mean thinking time. Plans, fun, all that. Ain't going to happen with mr wrong.

Oh- and the banana thing - that made me laugh ( sorry) but it made the situation become v clear. Phobia about relationships- well, then I'm the Queen of Sheba:)

I've had one of these drainers all year on and off. Funny, he's always into wanting a girlfriend when someone new is in his radar. But he comes back to me, rips my heart into a thousand pieces with the big love routine, only to be told 3 weeks in he's feeling claustrophobic.

I actually think now, he has a well honed act that gives him the tasters but leaves him free to be a single man.

At 45, if he were great, he'd have mastered it all by now. He's a selfish bugger, a player and I've been shafted by him for the last time.

Never ever again.

Don't let this be you OP because truly, you trust their little boy lost routine and its actually bullshit.

Anyone really wanting a relationship bloody gets on with it and like all phobias, you can work through them.

All that mine wants is the best of both worlds and bloody muggins here let him do it for the whole of this year.

My self esteem is in bits from this push pull charade of his.

Good luck....

AlsatianNasty

Your message nearly had me in tears (I am in work so that saved me!) as i know all too well how crushing and soul destroying it is.

I am well aware that if I was to go and meet someone and be dating again he would either pull out the 'see, you never really loved me anyway, i knew all women couldnt be trusted, this has just added to my issues' or he would try hard to get me back telling me how much he wanted me. I fear this as it was so full on last time. He does come back always and apologise for 'throwing his toys out of the cot' etc etc. But its so damaging initially.

All his words about how much he wanted me, what he wanted for us, how I needed to sort out what i wanted, it was all in my court, he only wanted me keep playing over and over in my head and i need to block these out and know that it was all part of the whole issue

I toy in my mind with whether i just let him drift off, and contribute nothing- only respond to him. And then SHOULD he ever ask what happenned or push for more again I have reason to explain my feelings and set clear boundaries and my needs.

Or to let him know I support him and will help IF he chooses to get help and therapy again (but im 'out' of any relationship as we are ready for entirely different things right now)

Or whether I say to him straight up how I feel - I feel like this is entering into his drama, and that any ultimatum etc will not work at all.
On the other hand, with normal people (haha) i would want him to know how I feel and what i do appreciate, as well as what i cant deal with and why - before doing my best to move on. So that i feel like i have been open and given them a full chance.

What a blurt of an email. Clearly my thoughts are all over the place. I feel as though they get you in such a place of insecurity and uncertainty that anything they give is better than nothing.

I dont want to give up on him but I dont want to waste my time either so i know it cannot continue like this. If I opt out, surely if he wants more he would make that known.

Anyone really wanting a relationship bloody gets on with it and like all phobias, you can work through them.

This one really stood out. I agree. Regardless of the phobia, yes if you want something bad enough you will do what you need to in order to get it.

Oh FFS don't offer to help and support him through therapy!!

He's not ill, he's selfish. He knows what he's doing.

The best thing you can do is not contact him, then when he contacts you stick to a simple "it's not working for me, I don't want a relationship with you, I just don't feel the spark". No more explanation that that, nothing he can twist.

He may ramp up trying to get you back - ignore. Stick to "I just don't feel the spark". And if he tries to be 'friends' preferably say no, then stop replying to him. Or it that's too hard to do, give a non commital "OK" then just never be available.

Thing is OP, the minute I show no interest in him, give up and move on...he's back.

I recognise the patter, the routine, the confidence knocking.

I'm just sat here hoping it's not the same man!

Mine's got the musicians ego too. I get sick of hearing about perfect ex's, all of who've had the same treatment for the last decade. But he says horrible stuff to push me away when he feels too close.

Seriously, I'm having to cut off and its killing me because every time I felt we were almost there. He loves me, I can see that but his freedom is more important to him.

He actually said recently, 'choosing who to spend the rest of your life with in the space of a week'.

Errr, right. We never had that discussion but its an indication of the panic in his head and he's not prepared to sort it out for us. He says if he could have a girlfriend/wife, it would be me. How does that make you feel ffs?

Walk away with me OP.

Let's find ourselves someone who wants us proper and let's question in our own heads, what is it that makes these commitment phobic, emotionally absent men so attractive?

For me it's partly I like my independence, am not looking for a live-in partner and don't want my child subjected to a man in my life at the minute. I enjoy the separateness of it but I need to know I'm secure, that it can grow in time and that any space isn't an excuse for shit behaviour.

This man cuts us off the minute the proper love kicks in again.

Rollercoaster of shit...I wish you well OP.

Heard it all now, commitment phobia = he's just not that into you and is probably wanting into more women than he can imagine, he has absolutely no intentions towards you whatsoever and he calls the shots, ignores you for days etc.........wise up OP, the guy is taking the absolute piss out of you and you are allowing him to.

Cannot believe you are really that naïve...........really?

What Cabrinha said with bells on. This guy is a mindfucking, gaslighting prick. Please get rid and do the Freedom Programme and work on your self-esteem for a long time before dating because the only proper way to 'support' a nob like this is to tell him to go to fuck. And to answer your question, no, there's no way he will change and have a decent relationship because he enjoys fucking with people's heads too much.

Stop thinking of it as a phobia! He is a player - pure and simple.

Come on OP - focus.