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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Been made a fool of

39 replies

FoolishJ · 07/12/2015 21:57

Excutiating writing this but don't feel I can talk to anyone I know, a bit embarrassed and feel ashamed.

I met someone on online dating that was a lot younger than me (him 29, me 38) and he looked older in his photo so we talked a bit then I realised his age and called a halt. He kept on at me saying age was just a number and all of that.

We started dating each other after quite a long period of online talking (five months) where I was very hesitant but he sort of had me convinced he as a mature and nice person. He was polite and friendly and just seemed like most men my own age.

The dating went really well for a couple of months and I started to actually have feeling for him. He kept saying things like that he'd told his friends about me and did I want to meet them, or asking me if I felt I could get past the age gap to be happy together as he thought we had a strong connection.

I was really sufferring from the ick factor a bit at first but then we got on so well that I worked through the issue with him to give it a proper shot and got committed to the idea of becoming a couple.

Then I found out he was seeing someone else, also older, and he had lied to me about that. I felt really foolish and used and couldn't believe someone I trusted would do that.

When I found out I got very upset and he did beg me to continue seeing him and said she meant nothing to him and that it was a mistake or whatever and I was too upset really to talk to him so asked for time and space.

I have been coping okay with it. Very hurt and sad and upset and crying a lot, but coping okay but I just noticed people posting on his facebook about him being a mature lover and loving them old and for some reason it's just broken me.

Bad enough to be lied to, led up the garden path, cheated on and left heartbroken but to be the butt of jokes publically like that...:(

I feel so used and abused and he's obviously hankered after the older woman fantasy with me and this other woman too and I feel so disgusted and hurt to have just been another notch on the bedpost after all those moths and him working hard on getting me to come round.

I can't believe he's such a pathetic shallow person. I thought the world of him. Can't believe I am such an idiot.

OP posts:

Original poster

FoolishJ · 07/12/2015 22:01

For all I know there might have been more of us!!! He's told me he hadn't been with many women, was shy with girls.

I fell for it hook, line and sinker! I thought I was smarter than this.

OP posts:

ILiveAtTheBeach · 07/12/2015 22:02

Have you even met in person?

Original poster

FoolishJ · 07/12/2015 22:03

Yes of course, we were dating for almost three months. Talking for five months before that.

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 07/12/2015 22:07

Oh lovey, we've most of us been had at some point Doesn't make it hurt less. Block him. He is showing himself to be a Wankbadger on his own FB page. With the OLD thing, some people recommend meeting earlier, to get stuff sorted out earlier, and presumably so you haven't 'invested' in the situation as much. x

Original poster

FoolishJ · 07/12/2015 22:10

Oh but imagine. Five months of talking and him getting close to me (and it took so long because I was ikky about the age gap) and then three months of dating. Hugging, kissing, making dinner together. I thought he really liked me and cared about me. I can't believe I was so sucked in by such a liar. And "the lads" now laughing about me and calling me (and her) old meat.

I know everyone has been treated badly, but just feel so upset. My chest really hurts and I can't even cry

OP posts:

hownottofuckup · 07/12/2015 22:10

What made you think they hadn't met in person?!

Sorry OP, no wonder you're hurting.

I can see why you've taken the FB comments that way, but I doubt very much that they're about you, it's pretty standard 'banter' amongst some friends when one has a penchant for older partners. Which some people do, women as well as men.

No excuse for him not being open about dating other people though. Had you had the exclusivity chat? I understand its part of OLD

Original poster

FoolishJ · 07/12/2015 22:21

Yes, we'd had the chat before we even had our first date. I was very standoffish about dating someone so young and said I wanted it the old fashioned way, dating just one person. He agreed and said he hated the idea of me chatting with anyone else. We talked numerous times about that all the way through when we were together and he explicity said he wasn't seeing anyone else.

I know it sounds silly (and pass the sick bucket) but it felt so right with him that I was overcoming the fact that he ticked almost none of my boxes and felt on paper like a bad bet, and I was admonishing myself for being so shallow and not opening up to the possibility that I'd found love somewhere unexpected.

I was very careful, I took those five months to watch him on Facebook. There was never any other women on there, no wild parties or "laddish" behavior or comments. He was photographed on sightseeing holidays, playing golf or at dinners with friends where he was always the one single person there. He as always home on a Friday night texting me.

He just came across as a bonafide honest and nice person that this has been so shocking. He says he started seeing the other woman in the last week he was with me and that she had chased him and he'd found it hard to resist the attention and I'd believed it and almost felt sorry for him as he seemed devastated at losing me and I was even considering forgiving him.

I even introduced him to my DS, who is 12 years old and who I have only introduced to two other men in his life. I felt that confident and sure about this person.

It's just horrible to feel like this. Is he some sort of old lady addict and I was one of many? It's so hurtful.

OP posts:

Original poster

FoolishJ · 07/12/2015 22:26

I felt I was being shallow because...

He was much younger than I'd ever considered before
He wasn't as good looking as the people I would normally go out with
He had a very skinny body type
He wasn't very successful and drive is something I ususally go for
He did not own a car

All those sorts of shallow things were quite offputting but I really just liked him so much he melted my heart and I told myself to stop being so horrible and having those thoughts and let myself fall for him.

I feel so stupid because I completely trusted him, and felt that he felt lucky to have me and now I feel like a big joke!

It's also made me feel old and past it :( Nasty words to have said about you, and I know lads to banter but to be classed as old meat when I was already feeling so inadequate and confused over why he'd been with this other woman

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BreakfastLunchPasta · 07/12/2015 22:41

He's the fool, OP, not you. You deserve better.
At least you found out what a twat he is before you got too enmeshed; I know you were starting to have feelings etc, but imagine how much worse it could have been if you'd been living with him.

BreakfastLunchPasta · 07/12/2015 22:42

Also, you're bloody well not old! I'm only 40 and you're two years younger than me, so you can't possibly be old

Original poster

FoolishJ · 07/12/2015 22:46

I know.

I can't understand why I feel this bad. I almost feel ill.

It's been so hard to cope with knowing about this other woman, all the pressing throughts of him naked with her or what he said to her and what she was like. But sort of easier to cope with as I felt I was more important to him than she was. Sounds silly but it was a small comfort.

And for some really horrible reason it really bothers me that his friends know about her :(

Like he'd told me he'd not been with anyone for a long time, and that all his friends were interested to meet me and know about me and i was a bit nervous but about to go out and meet them all. I felt special. Like a special part of his life like he was in mine.

And they know about her too, seems like a silly thing to fixate on amongst the lies but it just makes me feel like I was nothing, like he was talking to them about me like I was absolutely nothing.

And there I was telling my friends how much I liked and cared about him.

It's the worst feeling. I can't stand it.

OP posts:

Original poster

FoolishJ · 07/12/2015 22:47

I didn't feel old before this! this has made me feel rotten and old and worthless and a laughing stock.

He kept saying he didn't see me that way and age had nothing to do with it. I mean, he waited such a long time and put so much work into being with me that I believed he genuinely cared about me.

OP posts:

PoppyBlossom · 07/12/2015 22:57

Sorry did you type the ages correctly, you're 38 and he's 29? You aren't significantly older than him, Id put you in the same age bracket.

I think the facebook comments are laddish ribbing of their mate, which while I can understand being hurtful of you, aren't meant maliciously in any way.

SelfLoathing · 07/12/2015 23:19

people posting on his facebook about him being a mature lover and loving them old and for some reason it's just broken me.

I think this is to do with your own sensitivity about your age.

To give you another perspective, I tend to date men who are older than me. It's a preference. Mostly because I prefer their self confidence.

I'm not a social media user, but if Iwere, my friends would probably say that kind of thing about me and men I date. It would be true. But they are all (mostly) hot, successful,wealthy,charming men. It' s no reflection on you; it's about him and what he finds attractive.

In your post, if you subsitute "old" and "mature" for "blonde" or "brunette" and you should get the point!

The fact he was dating others is more about his honest; you shouldn't feel a laughing stock because he is attracted to older women. You chose to date him and it is a perfectly legitimate attraction! Like blondes or brunettes!!

SelfLoathing · 07/12/2015 23:21

*his honesty

Hissy · 07/12/2015 23:25

My love, you have done nothing wrong other than to ignore your instincts. Last time I checked that's not a criminal offence

The age gap is a gap, but it's hardly extraordinary, please don't allow this to break or hurt you.

One thing I will say to you is that all the chatting online, or skyping/emailing in the world does not equal a relationship. It's not real untill you meet, and spend proper time together. There are north cuts to this.

You ran before you could walk with him, and HE let you down. He is the one that should be ashamed, but of course he won't
Because he's a fool.

Come on, chip up... Eyes tits and teeth....

Original poster

FoolishJ · 07/12/2015 23:35

I'm really not weird about my age . I think it was that his friends were joking as if I was a notch on the bedpost. That's what hurt so much.

It's such a shit feeling to think you know someone and they really care about you and find out they dont

OP posts:

Original poster

FoolishJ · 07/12/2015 23:37

I'm the first older woman he's had a relationship with. So it feels about me!!

Just such a double whammy to be cheated on and then joked about.

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CarpetDiem · 07/12/2015 23:55

I agree you are both in the same age bracket, ten yrs or less is same age to me.
Sounds like he has some arsehole friends on FB who are immature & have no women of any age so take the piss out of him for being attracted to SLIGHTLY older women.
Some men prefer curvier women, plus size, petite, red heads, short hair, long hair, goths etc. & they all have mates whom will comment on their taste.
Don't be so hard on yourself, it's a form of passive aggressive online bullying by his dickhead mates

Original poster

FoolishJ · 08/12/2015 00:03

Thanks so much, you have made me feel less like a laughing stock and see it diferrently.

I think I just wanted to feel like he was missing me and regretting losing me and what he did and those posts made me feel like instead of that he was getting a slap on the back for getting about.

I'd not have been upset by those posts if he'd not cheated :(

I'm feeling so vulerable and rejected.

OP posts:

CarpetDiem · 08/12/2015 00:18

OP you will feel vulnerable in this shitty situation.
Take control of this. Fill your mind with Christmas & your DS.
YOU decide what YOU want in the New Year

springydaffs · 08/12/2015 00:40

Agree the age difference is minimal.

I was puzzled you were feeling 'ikky' about it tbh - yes if you were 74 and he was 22; but 38 and 29?? Er, not much in it.

As for his wanky friends - think of all the billions walking on this planet.. they are just two or three, of little consequence in the scheme of things. Morons. Take no notice. And get off his FB page!

You've been hurt and cheated on. That's bad enough, don't add to it with all the age stuff. It's not you who should be feeling ashamed is it?

Original poster

FoolishJ · 08/12/2015 01:45

I don't know it felt a lot younger to me . I've not had a relationship with someone younger before.

You're right the real issue is lying and cheating that I have to get over.

Had a really massive cry and have a headache now. Will try and sleep. Thanks

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springydaffs · 08/12/2015 22:49

I had a relationship with a 28yo when I was 43. Had a great time but BLOODY HELL did he hurt me!

Many of my friends talk about the especial, exquisite pain younger men can inflict on us older women - or women who are older than them. Not that I'd put you in that category tbh, you were in a similar age bracket.

Take care, drink lots of water. Ime it took a while for the pain to pass but it's totally fine now, not a trace left

Original poster

FoolishJ · 08/12/2015 23:36

Thanks so much Springy. I do know we all have this happen once or twice in our lives and as everyone says "better now than after 5 years".

Had an absolutely massive cry last night, which has been a long time coming and getting started on trying to focus on DCs/ Christmas / seeing Friends and I cut him off from everything.

Good riddance and so glad I caught him at it so early.

I do agree now I have calmed down that he's the fool, not me.

OP posts:

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