Been made a fool of

[FoolishJ]

Excutiating writing this but don't feel I can talk to anyone I know, a bit embarrassed and feel ashamed.

I met someone on online dating that was a lot younger than me (him 29, me 38) and he looked older in his photo so we talked a bit then I realised his age and called a halt. He kept on at me saying age was just a number and all of that.

We started dating each other after quite a long period of online talking (five months) where I was very hesitant but he sort of had me convinced he as a mature and nice person. He was polite and friendly and just seemed like most men my own age.

The dating went really well for a couple of months and I started to actually have feeling for him. He kept saying things like that he'd told his friends about me and did I want to meet them, or asking me if I felt I could get past the age gap to be happy together as he thought we had a strong connection.

I was really sufferring from the ick factor a bit at first but then we got on so well that I worked through the issue with him to give it a proper shot and got committed to the idea of becoming a couple.

Then I found out he was seeing someone else, also older, and he had lied to me about that. I felt really foolish and used and couldn't believe someone I trusted would do that.

When I found out I got very upset and he did beg me to continue seeing him and said she meant nothing to him and that it was a mistake or whatever and I was too upset really to talk to him so asked for time and space.

I have been coping okay with it. Very hurt and sad and upset and crying a lot, but coping okay but I just noticed people posting on his facebook about him being a mature lover and loving them old and for some reason it's just broken me.

Bad enough to be lied to, led up the garden path, cheated on and left heartbroken but to be the butt of jokes publically like that...:(

I feel so used and abused and he's obviously hankered after the older woman fantasy with me and this other woman too and I feel so disgusted and hurt to have just been another notch on the bedpost after all those moths and him working hard on getting me to come round.

I can't believe he's such a pathetic shallow person. I thought the world of him. Can't believe I am such an idiot.

Block them all on Facebook so you can't upset yourself with their shitty 'banter'.

Oh and don't be taken in by his apologies or lines - you have seen the real him now.

First of all you definitely are not old at 38, there are some beautiful looking women of that age and older!

He's a very immature little boy of 29 who just couldn't help himself, I doubt he was intelligent enough to engineer it all with the intention of making you feel ill and destroyed - he didn't I'm sure, he just got carried away with the attention - again, a very emotionally childish young man - do you really want a LTR with someone that fickle, no you don't.

Enough tears, he's really not worth your time and emotional energy, time to pat yourself down and get on with life, do not let this little weasel make you feel bad about yourself, head high, get back on that dating scene, not all men are arseholes, you've just been unlucky, you have done nothing wrong OP, if anything, he will probably live to regret crossing you.

I think that there's a lot of positive stuff you can learn from this.

Firstly, and obviously, meet up earlier next time. 5 months of written communication is just setting you both up for false intimacy and overly high expectations.

Why rush in to exclusivity? Before you've even met, let alone dated?? Personally, I wouldn't court two men at the same time, but I wouldn't tell them.

Also, your boundaries are your boundaries. If a man is too young for you he's still too young for you if he nags you about it. Alternatively, if you'd date a man of a certain age, don't pretend you wouldn't. I know that you want to reduce the risk of being hurt, but getting them to promise you of their intentions is no insurance.

I'm feeling so vulnerable and rejected. I know, it hurts

I've been getting mixed messages from a man for the last few weeks, so I finally caved, and said, "look, I'm getting mixed messages here, what's going on?". And it turns out that he likes me but wants to take things slow and doesn't want to get hurt (or hurt me). It was all I could do not to burst out laughing and say, "of course we're going to get hurt".

I think it's pretty likely that most relationships end in tears. It just doesn't seem a reason to give up on love.

Are people really so pathetic that they can't resist someone throwing themselves at them? In a way I'd prefer it was that than thinking after all that time knowing me he just preferred her :(

Thanks for the supportive words. I really hope he does regret it. Probably not though. Another notch on the bedpost.

You're absolutely right redmapleleaf and I was far too close to him emotionally before the first date and of course if I had just met him and had a few dates would not have been so devastated.

I agree relationships do generally end up hurting one person, and I am all for that.

What sickened me about this was someone spending so long getting to know me and wanting to be with me, and building something only to cock it up the very minute we started seeing each other. It seems so absolutely stupid and made me feel very used.

I'm trying to buck up, thanks ladies.

Are people really so pathetic that they can't resist someone throwing themselves at them?

I guess it's flattering; it makes us feel powerful. I think the real question is, "are we so needy that we can't resist throwing ourselves at someone?".

Another notch on the bedpost.

Now look, you have to stop that. Whether he does or doesn't think that (and I don't think he does, personally; he is just an idiot with no constraint) it's only going to make you feel like meat. Such a HORRIBLE concept, for a start, and no relation to you at all in any way, shape or form.

So stop that. OK?

Restraint I think that word was

You talk as if he's 17 and you're 65! Your age gap us next to nothing but you are VERY hung up on it

You met a crap one so just chalk it up to experience and move on

I don't think the minor age gap is relevant. The fact that he's a complete tool, is.

Most of us have had these disappointments. You're understandably bereft, but you've nothing to feel silly about. Allow yourself to feel sad, but not foolish.

One of my male friends has a gf who is three years older than him, and he gets all the same jokes about preferring older women.

So I don't think you should take the FB nonsense to heart, it's almost certainly laddish banter as others have said.

Obviously the cheating is something else. What a lucky escape you've had, and what useful lessons you've learned. I doubt he'll change, and soon he'll be in his 30s and still the same pathetic unhappy player.

op, this does not NOT reflect on you. You as a person, a normal person.

I get that the age thing made you hesitant at first and that you let go and decided to give it a shot. That has made you more upset than anything.

He is the twat, his friends are childish. FGS they aren't 17, they are grown men.
Don't whatever you do go back there. Get him out of your life!

I think I was pretty lucky up to the age of 35.

Before that I had relationships bit only one painful breakup. All the others I broke up with it was mutually felt the relationship was over and it just felt fine and I wasn't destroyed or anything. That one breakup was a humdinger; but I could see he was in as much pain as I was which somehow made it all more bearable.

Then I had one really hideous one at 35, where he deely affected me. Let me down badly, lies, betrayal and it affected me. I am picking myself slowly backup and for whatever reason this man was the first one I cared about since and it's hurt me so much more than I expected.

I just feel so awful.

I do realise the start of the thread was silly. Me assuming they were belittling me and all that when they don;t even know me and all that.

What really hurts was that he lied to me, didn't care about me, and wnated her enough that he was happy to cause me such pain.

I know anyone who's been cheated on knows how it feels. I was just hoping for a little sunshine in a life that's been filled with so much pain the last few years.