bisexual boyfriend

[harrietm87]

I've been with my lovely bf for 5 years. We are both 29 and recently bought a flat together.
Everything is great and we've been talking about getting married and starting a family next year.
Only problem is he has always been open about the fact that he is bisexual and equally attracted to both men and women. He has never had a sexual experience with a man however.
Now that we're planning our future I've started to panic that he will have regrets that he never experienced this side of himself and that he might leave me or cheat. He assures me that he would never do that and wants to be with me. I know I can't predict the future but there's a foreseeable problem here that just won't arise for most people. I'm seriously thinking about whether I should break up with him and find someone less complicated. But I love him so much. What would you do?

It's an understandable concern, but I don't think it's cause to find someone less 'complicated'. I was in a not dissimilar position with my now wife before we married. She's bi; I'm hetero. However, she also identified as poly when I met her complicating things further.

We discussed this quite a lot as I am hetero monogamous, and that was the relationship I was looking for if we married.

While we were dating she did have an opportunity to have her first sexual experience with a woman; something I was happy for her to do given the openness of our discussions and my trust that this wouldn't affect our relationship. If she hadn't identified as poly and we hadn't discussed that concept quite a lot, I might not have been as comfortable with it.

We've now been married 10 years. My wife still identifies strongly as bisexual, attending BiCon etc., but we live happily as a monogamous heterosexual married couple.

Ultimately you have to decide whether you trust him and accept his reassurances, or not.

Thanks all. I have found the range of views very helpful and am grateful for all of your responses. We have discussed things extensively. He is very open and honest with me, which I appreciate. He has said that he wants to be with me and is happy to be monogamous etc. I do trust that he intends that now. However I am just also aware that he may change his mind someday. I guess the point is that anyone could, bisexual or not. No one goes into marriage expecting it to end yet 40% of them do. I guess I just feel vulnerable because we're about to ttc and I just want to make sure I'm making the right choice. I think I am though.

I think at the end of the day, you can only ever communicate so much and have so many reassurances, and the rest comes down to your gut feeling and faith in someone else!

My husband identifies as straight (oddly I would say I am probably bisexual though prefer men to women), but he could still easily come home tomorrow and tell me he wants to leave for any variety of reasons.

Life is short and it's hard to find someone who you love, who you trust, who respects you, and who is willing to make sacrifices for you. If you have that, and your gut says it's right, why throw it all away for a possibility that may or may never come to fruition?

One of my ex boyfriends was both short AND bisexual . Poor guy, luckily he found me who didn't give a toss about either (we split for reasons other than sexuality by the way).

I'm also bisexual. Neither of us had ever experienced being with the same sex yet we were totally committed to each other. Sadly, the relationship ended but I don't think it would have been a problem long-term. I am definitely NOT attracted to a wider pool of people. Believe me, I am very very picky.

I can understand your fears OP, it's natural when you're about to settle down with someone and try for a baby. But this is the risk you take in a long-term monogamous relationship. In 20 years he might decide to shag a man, equally he might decide he misses shagging 20 year old women. He might think oh I've never had sex with a prostitute, lap dancer, black woman, red head etc. Really, the possibilities are endless and you'll torture yourself thinking about it. He has given you his word that he's committed to you and isn't bothered that he hasn't been with men. That's all he can do really. It's hard to find a really good relationship so I'd be reluctant to throw it away over a load of what ifs.

I understand OP,
I am my husbands first sexual partner, it worried me he would wonder what others are like.

I got over it in our 20 years together, either he has been faithfull or so good at secret relationships it hasn't affected me.

I think if your boyfriend had any real burning desire to casually sleep with random men, he would've done so before now given how ridiculously available casual sex with men is to anyone who wants it.

I actually started a thread about this a few months back.

As a man (who happens to be bisexual) in a very happy relationship with a straight woman, hopefully I can give you another perspective on this, which should hopefully match up to your boyfriend's.

Unlike your boyfriend, I've had numerous sexual encounters with men, and most of them were thoroughly enjoyable. Do I 'miss' them, or regret not having them anymore? No - I'm still loved up with my partner to the point that I don't want to be with anyone else. Perhaps, some day in the future, I may feel a hint of lust at another man, but in the end it'll be no different to the attraction I might feel towards another woman. I certainly wouldn't act on it though- I don't think I'd ever want to do that to my partner.
If your dp is going to cheat, it will be because he's a cheater, not because he's bisexual. Obviously, you know him better than we do, but if you don't think he'd cheat with a woman, then it's unlikely that he would with a man. The fact that he's been open with you about being bi, despite never having had relations with a man, and insists that you're the only person he wants to be with is really important and is actually a very good thing for your relationship- it shows that he wants to be open and honest with you. I certainly wouldn't call him 'complicated'- I'd call him (to employ a quaint phrase), a 'catch'.

As for the MMF idea, it's something that I've done before, but I do not want to do it with DP- and actually I really don't like the idea of introducing another person (whatever their gender) to our relationship. If you're boyfriend insists that you're the only person he wants to be with, then I'd imagine he's the same.